Rozen Maiden
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| Desu Maiden | |
|---|---|
| |
| Creator | Dark Lord Satan |
| Running time | feels like an eternity |
| Genre | Loli |
| Language(s) | Japanese, English (but only in the official version, which you'll never buy because you're a cheap bastard) |
| Country of Origin | Either Wapan or Hell, can't be arsed to look it up |
| Would Winston Churchill watch it? | He ran to his bedroom with the DVD box set and a box of tissues. I don't think he's coming out any time soon. |
Desu Maiden is the Japanese animu remake of the popular Highlander TV series. The immortals with swords are replaced by 3ft tall Gothic Lolita dolls who fire flower petals at eachother. The Watcher is named June and his quest to do something[1] is often the center of the show. June is a recluse and whines a lot; he spends his days locked in his bedroom, browsing the Internet. His sister Nori, a lacrosse player, cares for him while their parents are overseas.
Contents |
[edit] History
The six Rozen Maidens[2] were created in 1787 by Thomas Jefferson and James Madison to establish a government for the country and organize a democracy. The Bill of Rights was added later, by someone else, to restrict the powers of the government and guarantee rights to citizens.
No, wait, that's the Constitution. Let me start from the beginning.
The six Rozen Maidens[2] were created in 1787 by some creepy-ass guy named Rozen to kill each other for no real reason. The seventh one was added later, by another creepy-ass guy named Enju, to kill the six other Rozen Maidens.
Shit, you weren't supposed to know that until the last episode. Oh well.
[edit] Plot
The plot of Desu Maiden revolves around Stinku's quest to collect all the Rosaea Mysticaeieah[3]
[edit] Season 1
The series starts when June, desperate for human contact, orders a blow-up doll on the Internet. But due to a bizarre postal error, he receives a different doll! It can talk, it drinks tea, and it's British! Insert some character development shit nobody cares about here, it's a Rozen Maiden and its name is Shinku. And it's engaged in a centuries-old deathmatch with its six sisters, all of whom can fly and go into people's dreams and shit.
So June makes Shinku some tea, and a stuffed clown with throwing knives jumps through the fucking window. June and Shinku have a long conversation about shit nobody cares about, and she ends up killing it. But now June is her servant or some shit. Or maybe they're married. He's wearing a ring, I don't know.
After another long conversation about shit nobody cares about, Stinku finds two of her doll sisters, Itchy-goat and Suey-section. They all go into the attic to meet Gin-and-tonic, another doll sister with no torso who hates her life and wears all black. She also has wings that shoot feathers, and lives in the mirror[4].
At this point, the dolls do what any rational person would do if pursued by a crazy talking doll with wings - have tea and crumpets while watching cartoons and drawing on the floor with crayons. One of these cartoons involves a detective who just happens to be a dog puppet, on whom Stinku has a massive loin-crush. Then it turns out Suey-section has a twin sister, Sewing-section, whose eyes are the opposite colors. Sewing-section wears a cool hat and carries a big-ass pair of scissors.
Meanwhile, Gin-and-tonic beats up some crazy old guy, who thinks Sewing-section is his son. This is where I get tired and fall asleep for a couple episodes. When I wake up, Suey-section and Sewing-section are inside the crazy old guy's mind, and they're trying to water a tree. It doesn't work.
Then Gin-and-tonic traps June in a junkyard, where he has an emogasm and decides he's worthless. But Stinku saves the day and sets Gin-and-tonic on fire.
[edit] Season 2
This season starts with the two gay lovers, Laplace and Enju. They have created an eighth doll, Barasuishou, to kill all the other dolls to obtain their Rosae Mysticae. Or have sex with them. I forget. As to why two gay lovers created a female doll is never revealed, but might be in the third season. Anyhow, it seems that the last two sisters of Shinku have awakened, so we all know what that means...
Yes, even Suigintou wants some - which is why she teamed up with Barasuishou. So, she goes on a rampage and kills Hina, Kanaria(Did I mention the new one that no one cares about? No? Well no one cares anyway.), Sui, and Sou. I kinda zoned out at this point. It ends when Shinku defeats Barasuishou and they go watch that peanut-shaped dog on TV. At this time, the season ends.
[edit] Season 3
At some point in the distant past this article referred to a current event.
Released on December 22, 2006 and ended on December 23 (because the producers/artists/writers were too lazy to make more than 2 episodes). It features Suigintou as the main character. Her quest is to find out what happened to her stash of yakult and kill anybody who gets in her way. For some reason, Suigintou turned into a whining emo, yet it makes her even better in the eyes of the fans.
- just a ova...not 3rd season
[edit] Characters
Little information can be given about the characters at this time due to the loose character development. However, we do know they are all extremely creepy and most of them are probably gay.
[edit] Dolls
()
- Gin-and-tonic: Emo bitch with no torso. Wings turn into machine guns. Gains her power from a dying girl.
- MC Hammer: Uses a violin to make people's ears hurt, pretty useless to the plot. Breaks into houses and wears enormous parachute pants.
- Suey-section: Obnoxious know-it-all with different-colored eyes who likes saying 'desu' and fights with a magical watering can.
- Sewing-section: Ambiguously-gendered gardener, twin sister of Suey-section. Carries a big-ass pair of scissors and wears a cool hat.
- Stinku: Bonnet-wearing British bitch. Obsessed with tea. Uses some kind of psychic shit to shoot rose petals at people.
- Itchy-goat: Mentally retarded vandal with a frilly pink dress and a bow in her hair. Likes strawberries.
- Bear-show: - A pirate that somehow found her way into the show. Kills practically all the girls. Was made by the two gay lovers. Lacks a right eye. Your right. Her left. No, not that one!
- Cracky-chan: A cannibal ghost or some shit. Absolutely batshit crazy.
- Barbie: Lives in a dream house with convertible VW, pool and working FM radio[5].
[edit] Humans
- June: The main character. Although once an emotionally unstable shut-in, his contact with Shinku changes him for the better, turning him into an emotionally unstable shut-in who plays with dolls and frequently has tea parties with them. He also claims to be the servant of a talking doll, but he is later prescribed medication to deal with this.
- Nori: Jun's sister. Dreams of having sex with her little brother, among other people and objects. She plays lacrosse, a game intended to turn women into lesbians. It's quite successful.
- Rei Ayanami: A giant naked albino 14 year old girl that, for whatever reason, keeps showing up in random animes. This one is no different. Owner of Princess Peach, until Peach went crazy, took Rei into the mirror world, and raped her with her strawberry plant power while screaming, "Who's the doll now, bitch? Huh? HUH!?"
- Father: A man named Rozen. If this doesn't creep you out, consider the fact that he's a sex slave to his seven creations on his off-days.
- Laplace: The gay lover of Enju. Secretly a Priest of the Temples of Syrinx. Also has the screechiest voice you'll ever hear from a guy.
- Enju: The gay lover of Laplace. But he's got a scratchy voice, and that badass train, so it's all good.
- Laplace's Demon: Wait... can I actually list this under humans? I can? Whatever. Anyway, Laplace's demon is a giant rabbit. So what? You wanna fight about it? Thought to be the precursor to the Playboy logo.
[edit] Notes
- ↑ I don't know what, because I wasn't paying attention
- ↑ 2.0 2.1 Or at least I think that's what they're called. Then again, I'm getting all my information from the homeless guy down the street, so accuracy may be an issue.
- ↑ I probably spelled that wrong. I also don't give a damn.
- ↑ This is what happens when you try to make an anime after smoking several metric tons of cannabis.
- ↑ Some assembly required. Parts sold separately
[edit] Links
- PEACH-PIT The drunken, gay creators of Rozen Maiden
- Rozen Maiden "Official" anime website of first season
- Rozen Maiden Anime Official anime website of the second season and third season
