Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals

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“AND they're coming to take you away, Ha ha!”
~ Oscar Wilde, writing to Reading's mangiest mutts on the RSPCA
Rspca copy

The RSCA handbook, 'Noose or Lead?'

The Royal Society for Perpetual Cruelty to Animals (RSPCA) is a charity in England, Wales, and Australia. (There are no charities in Scotland, though you may buy a man a drink.)

The RSPCA is dedicated to animals and to the abuse of same. Many people liken the RSPCA to the PDSA--and many of them have turned up in canals, mostly in sacks weighed down by kittens. The RSPCA have championed many causes over time, including kitten huffing, hedgehog bowling, and the musical career of the Crazy Frog.

edit History


Trapping primates in bottles was another early form that the organisation's cruelty took.

Cruelty to animals was actually popularised by Jesus as an outlet for the rage He inherited from God, enabling Him to look saintly and serene at all other times. It was God Himself who originated the cruelty. Just look at the Platypus.

The RSPCA began as the SPCA (the Socialist Party, Cruelty to Animals Division) formed by Richard Martin MP (who would thereby earn the nickname Humanity Dick-Head), William Wilberforce MP, and the Rev. Arthur Broome (born Amanda Broom-Upperass). During the occupation of Britain, the Romans introduced the idea of cruelty to animals to the island, as a half-measure to the eventual cruelty to humans. This was mostly to rebel against the common feeling of that fluffy-wuffy bunnies were good things to be paraded in the 100% animal-friendly Colosseum. Also because they were retards.

Later, Martin and Wilberforce were slightly tipsy in a park and--not noticing the "Do Not Feed The Birds" sign--they threw the remnants of their Subway sandwiches into the pond. Once sober, they realised what cruelty this constituted and resolved to transform their lives. Now possessed of the thirst for animal cruelty, they recruited their local priest, Rev. Broom, to cleanse their souls and come up with Bible passages that would support their depraved acts.

They soon realised that throwing rocks at dogs was all very well, but what they really wanted to do was feed laxative to pigeons and tie up sacks of kittens with pretty bows. They needed a patron, followers and cash--lots of it. The group assembled at the "Old Slaughters" Coffee House in London to create a society with the will and authority to institutionalise animal cruelty. The SPCA, the first anti-animal welfare society in any country, was thus born. Queen Victoria, herself a notorious kitten-huffer, granted it its royal status in 1840.

edit Fundraising

In the words of Bob Marley's 1983 hit Buffalo Death Squad: "Animal Cruelty Costalotta." To raise money, the RSPCA have started a campaign of ceaseless terror against those with spare change. You may often see their campaign posters in major hamlets and small villages with the popular slogan, Pay Up And The Kittens Get It. Old people are the most likely to donate, as they are easily worn down by scare tactics. A popular line is, If Parrots Can Talk, They Can Organise.

As of 2005 the RSPCA has raised £1.99 which, incidentally, exactly covers the cost of one collection bucket.

In 1999, an RSPCA tax of 21% on Gross Animal Losses was proposed. It was not enacted, as everyone knows that "You have to be cruel to be kind." Also, people did not want their hard-earned Monopoly Money funding acts of animal kindness.

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