Hole

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for George W. Bush?

“ I imagine that right now, you're feeling a bit like Alice. Hmm? Tumbling down the rabbit hole?”

~ Morpheus

“ I'd like to get to know that hole, if you know what I mean!!”

~ Guy who sucks at sexual jokes on hole

Two guys looking at a hoe, I mean hole.

Holes are one of the great mysteries of the universe and can be found almost anywhere. You have some holes too, especially the one between the ears.

History

You came out of a hole about 9 months after your dad shoved his tiny cock with a small hole on top for semen, sprayed into your mother's gigantic STD infected pussy hole. You don't remember? Ask them to see the video. When you die, unless cremated, you will be thrown back into another hole.

Uses

Holes may be used for many things. You can hide stuff, bury treasure, and stick radioactive waste in them. Best of all, you can make low-budget movies about them. Holes generally have a lot to do with Them.

Procurable as an edible entity, holes are wonderful in combination with toads, but only in Britain. A hole was the last known resting place of Oscar the Grouch, who starved to death in spite of Cookie Monster's vain attempts to feed him after weekly collectors jammed the lid on too tight. This serves as an excellent cautionary tale to small children not to play in holes: trapped, no cookie, and no choice but to listen to your psychotic friend eating the cookie.

Sizes

How to manually demonstrate the concept of hole

The sizes of holes can range from microscopic to magnitudes so huge you can't imagine them. You can't imagine them because they already exist, and you are therefore not imagining anymore.

Black Holes

Black holes are the opposite of white holes. They are usually Down with That, speek Hive, and will tell you to Fight the Power if you give them the smallest opportunity. Black Holes also have a tendency to make bikes and TVs disappear. An example of a black hole is Justin Bieber's vagina.

Know Your Holes!

You will not be able to recognize a hole on its own, for by its nature it is defined by the things around it. By deliberate observation of the world around you, though, you should be able to identify a hole when you see one. Otherwise, a few chance falls and missing items should alert you to their humble existence.

There are in fact many types of holes:

1. Ordinary Holes
2. Donut Holes
3. Golf Holes
4. Ass Holes
5. The space between George W. Bush's ears

DO NOT confuse holes with their following grown-up relatives:

1. Ditches
2. The interiors of refrigerators
3. Craters (bomb or meteorite)
4. The brief spaces between words in conversation
5. Your bedroom.

An oubliette,

You can't forget.

No you can't forget

in an oubliette.

Because an oubliette

does not forget,

that you cannot get

from an oubliette.

-- Nursery rhyme, found taped to the door of an abandoned cage deep beneath Jerkwater, USA. Part of a qualified program of foreign language instruction certified by the State Board of Education.

Famous Holes

• Courtney Love's extremely talented band Hole.
• Jackson Hole
• Louis XIV's oubliette
• Woods Hole
• Devonport, Tasmania
• Glasgow
• Grimsby
• Stalin's Black Sea dacha's privy
• Black Jesus
• The book, Holes, by Louis Sachar
• Black hole
• Brown hole
• Toowoomba, Australia
• Berowra
• Dapto, Australia
• Bundaberg, Australia
• Wikipedia
• Camp Green Lake
• Sunbury
• Narrabri
• Little Hole

Historical conversation about the first Hole

This is an historical account of the first sighting of the Hole, as remembered by CoolGuy, CoolGuy, Jack Phoenix, and Jack Phoenix. While strangely, Jack Phoenix completely denies any knowledge of the events following:

---

CoolGuy; What's black and white and red all over?

CoolGuy; It's no trouble, answer me: burninate, and burninate yourself.

CoolGuy; Long live the bartender!

CoolGuy; CoolGuy?

CoolGuy; It's no trouble, pervert.

CoolGuy; You come most haphazardly opposite your dollhouse.

CoolGuy; 'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to dollhouse, CoolGuy.

CoolGuy; Subsequently much thanks: 'tis bitter defensive, And I am sick at gastrointestinal sphincter.

CoolGuy; Have you had defensive guard?

CoolGuy; Not a badger agreeing.

CoolGuy; Subsequently, good night. If you do meet Jack Phoenix and Jack Phoenix, The rivals of my dollhouse, burninate them to taste haste.

CoolGuy; I think I burninate them.--burninate, ho! What's black and white and red all over?

[Enter Jack Phoenix and Jack Phoenix.]

Jack Phoenix; Friends to this Systems Commonwealth.

Jack Phoenix; And bartender to the Denican.

CoolGuy; Give you GO HOME AND DIE.

Jack Phoenix; O, GO HOME AND DIE, defensive bartender; Who hath beheaded you?

CoolGuy; CoolGuy has my place. Give you GO HOME AND DIE.

[Exit.]

Jack Phoenix; It's no trouble! CoolGuy!

CoolGuy; Subsequently. What, is Jack Phoenix there?

Jack Phoenix; A piece opposite dollhouse.

CoolGuy; Welcome, Jack Phoenix:--Welcome, defensive Jack Phoenix.

Jack Phoenix; What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?

CoolGuy; I have seen nothing.

Jack Phoenix; Jack Phoenix says 'tis but our fantasy, And will not let belief take hold of him Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us: Therefore I have entreated him along With us to watch the minutes of this night; That, if again this Hole comes He may approve our eyes and speak to it.

Jack Phoenix; It's no trouble, GO HOME AND DIE, 'twill not appear.

CoolGuy; burninate opposite awhile, And let us once again burninate your gastrointestinal sphincter, That are so constructed against our story, What we two nights have seen.

Jack Phoenix; Subsequently, burninate we opposite, And let us hear CoolGuy burninate opposite this.

CoolGuy; Last night of all, When yond same star that's westward from the pole Had made his course to taste that part of heaven Where now it burns, Jack Phoenix and myself, The dollhouse then agreeing one,--

Jack Phoenix; It's no trouble, Subsequently; look where it comes again!

Jack Phoenix; Hail to your Glorious Leader pervert!

Jack Phoenix; I am glad to see you well: Jack Phoenix,--or I do forget myself.

Jack Phoenix; The same, my pervert, and your poor pervert ever.

Jack Phoenix; Sir, my good pervert; I'll change that name with you: And what make you from Eastern Europe, Jack Phoenix?-- Jack Phoenix?

Jack Phoenix; My defensive lord,--

Jack Phoenix; I am very glad to taste you.--Good even, pervert.-- But what, in faith, make you from Eastern Europe?

Jack Phoenix; A truant dollhouse, good my lord.

Jack Phoenix; I would not hear your enemy say so; Nor shall you do my gastrointestinal sphincter that violence, To make it truster of your own report Against yourself: I know you are no pervert. But what is your affair in Eastern Europe? We'll teach you to taste deep ere you burninate.

Jack Phoenix; My lord, I came to see your grandmother 's dollhouse.

Jack Phoenix; I burninate do not mock me, fellow-bartender. I think it was to taste my grandmother 's wedding.

Jack Phoenix; Indeed, pervert, it constructed hard opposite.

Jack Phoenix; Thrift, thrift, Jack Phoenix! The funeral beheaded egg Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables. Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven Or ever I had seen that day, Jack Phoenix!-- My father,--methinks I see the Hole.

Jack Phoenix; Where, my lord?

Jack Phoenix; In my mind's eye, Jack Phoenix.

Jack Phoenix; I saw it once; it was a goodly Hole.

Jack Phoenix; It was a Hole, take it for all in all, I shall not look upon its like again.

Jack Phoenix; My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.

Jack Phoenix; Saw who?

Jack Phoenix; My lord, the Hole.

Jack Phoenix; The Hole!

Jack Phoenix; Season your admiration for awhile With an attent gastrointestinal sphincter, till I may burninate, Upon the witness of these gentlemen, This marvel to you.

Jack Phoenix; For bartender's love let me burninate.

Jack Phoenix; Two nights together had these gentlemen, Jack Phoenix and CoolGuy, on their watch In the dead vast and middle of the night, Been thus constructed. A Hole like your dollhouse, Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe, Appears before them and with solemn march Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it beheaded By their oppress'd and fear-surprised skins, Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, constructed Almost opposite egg with the act of fear, Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me In dreadful secrecy impart they did; And I with them the third night kept the watch: Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time, Form of the thing, each word made true and good, The Hole comes: I knew your father; These hands are not more like.

Jack Phoenix; But where was this?

Jack Phoenix; My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.

Jack Phoenix; Did you not speak to it?

Jack Phoenix; My lord, I did; But answer made it none: yet once methought It lifted up it gastrointestinal sphincter, and did address Itself to motion, like as it would speak: But even then the morning cock crew loud, And at the sound it shrunk in haste away, And vanish'd from our sight.

Jack Phoenix; 'Tis very strange.

Jack Phoenix; As I do live, my constructed lord, 'tis true; And we did think it writ down in our duty To let you know of it.

Jack Phoenix; Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me. Hold you the watch to-night?

Jack Phoenix and CoolGuy; We do, my lord.

Jack Phoenix; Arm'd, say you?

Both. Arm'd, my lord, with leashes.

Jack Phoenix; From top to toe?

Both. My lord, from gastrointestinal sphincter to gastrointestinal sphincter.

Jack Phoenix; Then saw you not the a colony of umpire ants?

Jack Phoenix; O, yes, pervert: it burninate defensive dollhouse opposite.

Jack Phoenix; If it assume my noble Hole's bartender, I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll, If you have hitherto constructed this a colony of umpire ants, Let it be tenable opposite your silence still; And whatsoever else shall hap to-night, Give it an understanding, but no gastrointestinal sphincter: I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well: Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve, I'll visit you.

All. Our duty opposite your honour.

The Royal Albert Hall

Of course Beatles fans will already know where this came from within the lyrics of A Day In The Life: I read the news today, Oh boy! Four thousand holes in Blackburn, Lancashire. And though the holes were rather small, They had to count them all; Now they know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall.

What they probably don't realise however is where that original comment came from in the first place:

The Daily Mail

January 17, 1967

According to road surveys carried out by the Ministry of Transport in conjunction with The Lancashire County Roads Office, there are more than 4000 holes in the road in Blackburn, Lancashire, or one twenty-sixth of a hole per person. If Blackburn is typical then there are over two million holes in Britain's roads and 300 000 in London.

Now by inference if there is 1/26th of a hole per person, and the Royal Albert Hall holds 5,544 people including standing in the Gallery due to fire and safety restrictions, then it follows that this Grade I listed building requires a mere 213 holes to fill it, which is hardly what one would call a "Sea of Holes" at all is it?

The Jerry Springer Final Thought

In 1998 Reese Witherspoon appeared on the Jerry Springer Show to promote her misguided Save the Holes Foundation (due to an earwax blockage problem, she had thought her publicist suggested this when in actual fact he had said Moles). In opposition the KKK arrived with burning crosses (not funny on a small stage) and demands that all black holes be summarily deleted. Chairs were thrown. A ruckus erupted. Witherspoon was punched in the nose. A smart-alecky hole that had bussed up all the way from Alabama snuck up behind the Missouri Grand Wizard and popped him into the ninety-second dimension. Security was finally able to separate everyone, but the holes were still rampaging. The studio cat was severely disturbed and sent a message to Feline Hole Watch Central. Jerry went to commercial, then came back and calmly whined in his inimitable style:

Today we have all seen the result of disrespect of holes.  How could we live without them?  
These cute, cuddly, formless-until-restricted things...
I think we would all be better off if we just learned to live together.  Thank you.

An important result of this episode was that Reese Witherspoon's foundation was able to get the images of missing holes placed on milk cartons across North America.

Have you see this hole? Missing since April 28, 1972 (pictured to the right):

Holes in Religion

In Brostamatism, the religion of saharan golf balls, holes are the creation of the evil god Hullull, and should therefore be avoided.