UnScripts:Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead

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Two Elizabethans are flipping a coin. Rozencrantz (Hereafter 'Ros') is a bit stupid, Guildenstern (Hereafter 'Guil') is the straight man. There's lots of comedic potential right there, I can tell you...


Guil: Who said that?


Ros: What?


Guil: Someone just described us and our circumstances!


Ros: (innocently) Well it wasn't me!


Guil: What?


Ros: What?


Guil: What did you say?


Ros: 'Well it wasn't me.'


Guil:(angrily) Before that!


Ros: 'What?'


Guil:What?


Ros:(Frantically) I said 'What'!


Guil:What?


Ros: Huh?


Guil: Shut up


A slience ensues


Guil: What's this play about anyway?


Ros: What?


Guil: You know the play, the play we're in...


Ros: Hamlet?


Guil: No


Ros: Then what?


Guil: Well, it's sort of Hamlet...


Ros: How?


Guil: Well, it's sort of a parody


Ros: (curious) Parody?


Guil: Yes


Ros: Well ...


Guil: Well technically right now we're in a parody of a parody, as this is Uncyclopedia


Ros: What's that?


Guil: Huh?


Ros: Get back to the point!


Guil: What's the point of 'Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead'?


Ros: (terrified) We're dead?


Guil: Well, obviously not.


Ros: Obviously.


Guil: Which is more than I can say for the writing!


(Crickets) Guil sighs


Ros: Maybe it's about the insignificane and absurdity of life, the limits of language, the obscurity of the average human's existance, the general pointlessness of it all ...


Silence


Guil: What


Hamlet enters


HAMLET: My excellent good friends! How dost thou, Guildenstern? Ah, Rosencrantz! Good lads, how do ye both?


Ros: As the indifferent children of the earth.


Guil: Happy, in that we are not over-happy; On fortune's cap we are not the very button.


HAMLET: Nor the soles of her shoe?


Ros: Neither, my lord.


HAMLET: Then you live about her waist, or in the middle of her favours?


Guil: 'Faith, her privates we.


HAMLET: In the secret parts of fortune? O, most true; she is a strumpet. What's the news?


Ros: None, my lord, but that the world's grown honest.


HAMLET Then is doomsday near: but your news is not true. Let me question more in particular: what have you, my good friends, deserved at the hands of fortune, that she sends you to prison hither?


Hamlet Exits

Guil: What happened there?


Ros: (despondantly) I don't know


Guil: It's almost as if the playwright copied and pasted large sections of Hamlet to fill time!


Ros: To fill time?


Guil: Who do you think you are? Solid Snake?


Ros: (innocently) What do you mean?


Guil: You're always repeating what I say, but in the form of a question


Ros: Repeating what you say?


Guil: Yes


Ros: Yes?


Guil: This is terrible


Ros: What is?


Guil: The play, it's just a cross between Waiting for Godot and Hamlet, it doesn't even have make any sense ...


Ros: WHAT??


(Crickets)

Field-cricket

The play is notoriously difficult to produce, due to the large number of live crickets required.

Ros: So who wrote 'Rozencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead'


Guil: (terrified) We're dead?


Ros: No, you buffoon, that's the name of the play


Guil: I thought you were the stupid one?!?


Ros: I thought I was the straight man?!?


Guil: No, we switched places just now


Ros: Oh


Guil: Yeah ...


Ros: SO! who wrote it?


Guil: It?


Ros: Please...


Guil: It is pleased?


Ros: (sighs)


Guil: Who is Please?


Ros: (furiously) I'm the idiot, you're the straight man!


Guil: I'm the idiot? You're the straight man?!?!


Ros: (earth shattering violence) WHO WROTE THE PLAY?!?!?


Guil: Thomas Stoppard.


Ros: What?


Guil: You mean 'who'


Ros: Sorry ; Who?


Guil: Tom Stoppard


Ros: Oh


(Silence)


Ros: What's he like?


Guil: His parents were Austrian ...


Ros: Australian?


Guil: No, Austrian.


Ros: Australian?


Guil: (impatient) NO! AUSTRIAN!


Ros: Australian?


(Silence)

Ros: Australian?


Guil: Please...


Ros: Who?


Guil: (sighs)


(Silence) (crickets)

Guil: Well, I guess there's nothing left to do except die ...


Ros: Surely not!


Guil: Don't call me Shirley


Ros: That's an old Naked Gun joke


Guil: What?


Ros: Who?


Guil: Who's on now?


Ros: Who's on first?


Guil: What?


THE END

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