Ronnie James Dio
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Didn't this guy do Black Sabbath covers?”
~ Dumbshit on Dio
“Wait a minute...this man is loved by everyone, yet no one suspects him of being the anti-christ. Ah, the bloody Apocalypse is just getting to my head again”
~ Oscar Wilde on DioTemplate:Prediction
Ronnie James Dio (???? - ) is really actually Satan himself. Nobody is more Metal than Ronnie James Dio, and hence he has earned the title of Heavymetal Alchemist. He is known to go out on long walks wearing no pants. If Ozzy Osbourne is Iron Man, then certainly Ronnie James Dio is Titanium (that's how his girlfriends use to call him [not to be confused with Magic Rings, which is how the Planeteers use to call him]). Several men have attempted to be more metal than Dio, but they all have failed and have been cast into the pit of the unworthy, forced to haul pails of tears away from Emo concerts. When it comes to Metal, you might as well bow down to Dio. In fact, if he was more Metal, he'd probably die of lead poisoning. Dio created the legendary devil horns that is seen at almost every "rock" concert today. If you did not know that, or if you have ever done the devil horns at a Fall Out Boy concert, hell, if you've even BEEN to a Fall Out Boy concert, go pull a Kurt Cobain and kiss a shotgun.
Judas Priest once tried to out-metal Dio in 1985 after releasing Screaming for Vergeance and Defenders of the Faith. Dio got pissed off and banned the Priest from making real metal for a few years (Yeah, he can do that). The result was 'Turbo.' Later, in 1990 Judas Priest again tried to out-metal Dio. Dio responded with a direct attack on Judas Priest. Dio attacked with such ferocity that Rob Halford left Judas Priest to sulk. It is also rumored that Bruce Dickinson has been known to match Dio, however he is too passive to give a shit about anything not about Iron Maiden or eliminating Sharon Osbourne or World War II. Dickinson's bandmate, Iron Maiden bassist Steve Harris, was extremely close to out-metalling Dio in 1983 (After having written 'The Trooper'), but Dio's release of 1984's Holy Diver increased his metal power by 27%, and thus he managed to defeat Harris in an alchemy duel. Harris attempted to avenge his dishonorable defeat with the massive 1984-'85 World Slavery Tour, but was again defeated by Dio. This left horrible marks on Harris, causing Iron Maiden to experiment with synthesizers, but giving Dio the highly honourable title of Heavymetal Alchemist.
The origins of Dio are a mystery even to Satan, but some suspect anal fisting and alien abductions are involved. What is known is that he was officially the tallest midget in the world, ever, at 4' 3", however he doesn't seem to have grown anymore since. He could have also been the first person created by the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Either way, Dio was found at the age of one by a traveling pimp from Spain simply known as Captain Falcon in a gutter somewhere within the Kingdom of Wales (modern day Republic of Bestial Pleasures). Dio was brought back with the captain to his home in Pamplona, Spain, where he was subsequently forgotten and left to be raised by the bulls which plagued the city with random uprisings every 7th of July. Before he left however, he made sure the child would not forget his given name of Dio, a name he still bears today with great pride.
From the bulls Dio learned many great things about eye laser beams (though not an official user, it is rumored he is an unregistered eye-laser practitioner), bestiality (though some attribute that to his Welsh ancestry) and how to effectively slaughter his enemies with high pitched screams and shredding guitar solos. He is also known to radiate manliness. He excelled in the annual festival of breast running and was even described as a "little tit" by Ernest Hemingway.
Whatever it is, Dio is the timeless man who never gets older.
At age 15 in a tearful goodbye he left his bull family to join a group of explorers headed to Lithuania to follow where he suspected his adopted father might have gone to gather more answers. Before he organized his trip however, he entered what many consider his "wild" period, in which rampant anal fisting and kitten huffing orgies resulted in the accidental conception of ET the extraterrestrial, as well as other more well known people such as future president of UGoGirl Oprah Winfrey.
It was during this period that the Kingdom of Wales was thrown into a state of disorder, seeking a successor. Dio seized the opportunity and found himself Duke of the entire empire of Flanders, having landed 350 miles off course. Dio remained unsatisfied, and in his efforts later known as the Third War of the Hair united Flanders, Wales, and the Duchy of New Austin (back then called "Paris") under the great Welsh Flag, making him the first Grandmaster of the Golden Fleece.
Contents |
[edit] Musical Career
Ronnie started out in a space rock band known as Elf, but he left after he decided they 'sounded too much like Pink Floyd'. Then he moved on to collaborate with renowned Ritchie Blackmore in a project known as Rainbow, which he again left because he thought the name 'sounded too gay'. Finally, he joined Black Sabbath, a popular Christian Rock band, which he thought 'sounded just right', but he was kicked out after only two albums for his apparent love of paganism. Resigned to the fact he would never be hired by another band due to the fact he was already over 560 years old at that point, he started a solo project.
Initially, his solo band was wildy successful, spawning such varied hits as 'Rainbow in the Dark', 'Dark and Light', 'Starlight Rainbow', 'Rainbow Starlight', 'Killing the Dragon', 'Resurrecting the Dragon', 'Dragon Omlette', 'Somehow Disrupting the Ordinary Life Cycle of the Dragon', and 'Holy Guyver' (originally planned to be a song called "Oh MacGyver"). But his band soon ran into various personnel problems. Guitarists in Dio's band were notoriously short-lived, often due to the difficulty of playing complex solos while dancing in concentric circles on the top of an animatronic dragon statue. Also, Dio's later albums were criticized as being too experimental, often featuring oddities such as a 15-banjo accompaniment. Dio has made several returns to his classic formula, but has never quite regained the status he once had.
However recently, Black Sabbath hired him again after he defeated the evil Ozzy Osbourne, forming the band Heaven and Hell in the process. He now resides in their secret underground Canadian lair.
[edit] Superhero
As a superhero, Dio has powers of super strength, flight, sonic blasts, and (supposedly, though he has never unveiled it) demonic summoning. He is also said to be able to control machines, but one day most of them got angry at him and left to go get rich in Vegas. He is only vulnerable to flowers, which he believes are an intoxicating substance that will deprive him of his sanity, and scissors, because like Samson, his strength comes from his hair being as long, tangled, and mangy as possible. He may or may not have an invisible spider monkey sidekick named Vivian. He is also said to be vulnerable to Lightning, however this is because he was struck by lighting and it shrunk him small and made his hair so grungy, that he never got the usual 10,000,000 women every week, it was now reduced to 10 women a week.
Dio's most noted skill, however, is the ability to Kick Major Mythical Ass. As a consequence of this power, anything involved with Dio, anything he touches and anything that interests him is immediately credited with being awesomely mythical, and cannot be destroyed by anything. Except by Elton John's ability to Swallow Major Phallus. To begin to understand Dio's humongous mystical powers, it is imperative to observe the fact that J.R.R Tolkien actually spawned from one of Dio's turds, due to the immense amounts of magic energy present in the fecal matter. It is also rumoured , (though not confirmed), that Dio was the inspiration for Tolkien's 'Gollum' character in his best selling book 'Wankers Cramp: The Causes, Symptoms & Cures'
[edit] Super Powers
Few people know but Dio's magical voice can not only tame dragons, but it can cause entire crowds of people to sing in unison. Not only that, but he possesses the uncanny ability to use a mic stand as a reach weapon (this is because he is also a ninja). He gives it a twirl, and then a spin. Combined with his potent vocal attack... Yeah, you're pretty much fucked. It has also been suggested that, like Kerry King, Dio has the ability to rip a hole in the fabric of reality and cast his enemies into the abyss. This however is one of his most basic attacks and he only really uses it to solve day to day problems.
It has also been proven that if Dio points his famous devil horns at you, your urine will consist of a mixture of lambs blood and concentrated evil. Your urine spray pattern will also be in the shape of an upside down pentagram.
Dio also has a strong psychic link with mythical beasts and has been known to use tigers to do his bidding. When riding into battle Dio mounts his legendary steed, a mighty steel tiger which can leap between dimensions. His name is Julian.
[edit] His Musical Inspiration
Dio's musical inspirations come solely from his diet. He drinks nothing but robot piss which he claims 'greases his internal creative wheels' and he eats nothing but pizza. He refuses to eat pizza with a fork as it is deemed unmanly and girly and does not befit his 'Godlike' image. However, when writing and recording his albums, the pizza binges cease and he turns to the curry. Dio has his curry's imported especially from the imaginative country of Ringofstingostan. Over the years Dio's critic's have deduced that the hotter the curry in this creative process, the better the eventual album (and subsequent shit). In 1994, This nearly led to Dio's timely death as after a particualrly bad arse burner, Dio's entire intestinal tract fell out of his own balloon knot. Unfortunatly he survived, but the album 'There's Blood In My Arse Water' was eventually abandoned. However, one single regarding this incident survives called 'My Porcelain Shambles' This was released in Dio's head in late summer 1997 to great acclaim from all who never heard it.
[edit] Dungeons & Dragons
Not very many people know that Dio did in fact create Dungeons & Dragons in 1292, with fellow co-Dragon slayer/Knight (turned Dark Knight) King Diamond. King Diamond and Dio quite often sit together and play, Dio being the highest Magician ever. Dio is a level 10,000 Magical Dragontamer, while King Diamond is only a level 7,666 Hellspawn Warrior.
It should be noted that Dio always rolls natural 20s. Always.
[edit] Influences
Dio recently stated in an interview with Black Sabbath Fanzine "Radio Times" that he has based his entire career on the work of Girls Aloud. And also that guy who's randomly placed in the background.
[edit] God of Metal
Dio is the actual God of Metal. This he has always been, since the beginning of time (except for a short period when time stood still at the Iron Hill), and this he will always remain untill the end of time. An alternative list of Gods of Metal exists, which contains the following succession:
- Atum (?? - 200 B.C.)
- Lo Pan (200 B.C. - 1975)
- Lemmy Kilmister (1975 - 1985)
-
James Hatfield(1985 - 1984) - Zeus (1984 - 1999)
- Fidel Castro (1999 - 2007)
- King Tut (2007 - now)
This list may be considered truthfull; however, one must always keep in mind that the actual God of Metal is Dio, and that He will always stand above the Gods from this list.
| Preceded by: none | God of Metal The beginning of time - The end of time | Succeeded by: none |
[edit] See Also
- Dungeons & Dragons
- Dio Brando, probably a bastard child of Ronnie James Dio and Marlon Brando.
- Heavy Metal
- Ronnie James Dio's Big Book of Nursery Rhymes
- midget
- Trinity Blood
