Cristiano Ronaldo
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“Stepover, stepover, dive, roll around, scream in agony, call referee, get player sent off, wink...”
~ Oscar Wilde on Cristiano Ronaldo
“Quit your jibba jabba! You ain't hurt, you're pathetic! If I ever catch you act like a crazy fool again, you're gonna meet my friend paaaaain!”
~ Mr. T on Cristiano Ronaldo
“He has the biggest potential I've ever seen. Must be at least 2 inches”
~ Sir Bobby Charlton on Cristiano Ronaldo
Christianne Romilda de los Bumhola Faking It Retardo (pron: "Faggot") born on the 5th February 1985) is a professional diver, who used to plunge to the ground for Manchester United but has now taken his acting talents to Real Madrid. Born Joseph Christine Sharfuddin Ronaldo, his nicknames include 'Wanker' due to his compulsive winking . This was caused by a stroke he suffered after having his testicles detached by a vicious Victoria Beckham tackle in a charity soccer match against the Spice Girls. The Oxford English dictionary now also accept "Cristiano Ronaldo" as a valid definition for an arrogant prick .
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[edit] Oh Madeira..Oh My Darling !
When the sport of Diving came to the island of Madeira in 1997 he instantly showed he had an aptitude for the game. Scouts from all over Portugal came and marvelled at his natural diving skills. However, his perfect pikes and tucks with triple somersaults intimidated many judges, who hadn't seen such skill before. To sort this out, the diving club Sporting Lisbon offered him the chance to join their youth academy and learn how to dive properly but the chairman decided against the idea as he thought Ronaldo would gain more experience going straight into the first team of their feigning injury specialists
Although this sounded like a dream come true for Cristiano, it turned out to be a nightmare. His hideously heavy Madeiran accent (likened by many respected linguists as being like Spanish mixed with Geordie mixed with Glaswegian after ten cans of Special Brew) got him bullied and he cried almost incessantly for four years. Bizarrely, a nervous reaction was to kick people in the shins repeatedly, this usually just resulted in him getting 'lamped' by his team mates.
[edit] Cristiano's Pre-Match Ritual
Before each football match , Ronaldo goes through a number of elaborate rituals. He greases his body with 100% Portuguese Snake Oil. This allows him to slip by opponents with ease like an eel. Another ritual includes offering sexual favours to the referees just before the match starts. If they are not interested, Ronaldo tries to make them look stupid by pretending to get seriously injured and watching opposition players receiving yellow and red cards. His speciality is the 'dying swan dance' as if someone in the crowd has just fire a crossbow bolt at him. Thirty five of his forty two goals came from penalties & freekicks that he won by diving.
Ronaldo is so hilariously greasy that friends and family now refer to him as "The Serpent," not because of his privates though. Recently, Ronaldo welcomed the introduction of the smoking ban, as he has had many incidents where a stray dog end has landed on him causing him to burst into flames. He will usually practice a few dives and complains a bit into his locker to help warm his lungs up.
[edit] Cristiano's Depression
After Portugal's great defeat on the Euro 2004 diving final against the Greek Gods of Olympus, he burst into tears. Reports mention he dealt with the defeat by crying to his mommy about how the "evil Greeks took away the cup.." He stopped eating for several days and was locked in his room crying day and night. [citation not needed, I saw it]. Also, his diary shows his depression clearly:-
Tuesday: Woke up today. I am not in love with myself today.
Wednesday:Woke up today. Talked to Shrek (Wayne Rooney) . He said next time we played together he was going to give me a 'Scouser's handshake. Don't know what that is .
Thursday: Manager (Sir Alec Ferguson) calls and says if he leave the club , he will come over and shit on my Ferrari.
Friday: I run out of oil for my body. Shops in Manchester say they will not give me anymore. I cry and go into my gymnasium for some diving practice.
[edit] Cristiano and Fashion
Ronaldo has a keen fashion sense - wearing clothes you would seen worn by posers in tacky nightclubs in Lisbon..or Manchester..or even Madrid. He has endorsed all sorts of products to increase his ego..bank balance . Ronaldo is also something of a lust-for object for both sexes , his hairless body look has proved popular even with the lady boys of Bangkok.
[edit] Sexuality
Ronaldo's sexuality has come into question a lot throughout his career due to his fashion sense, pussiness, some gay footage of him on the field and some pictures taken of him that he says "were not gay, they were just taken at a really awkward and private moment. A picture was taken of him clearly giving a gobby to Wayne Rooney midgame.
[edit] Very Boring Transfer Saga
In the summer of 1808, Ronaldo was subject to bid by Real Madrid for about £0.09 or sommit, I dunno, I lose track. Anyway, Sir Alex Ferdinand said no, and the two clubs spent a rather dull and intellectually vapid verbal exchange, lasting 91 months or years which presumambly was conducted by carrier pigeon, seeing as how it consisted entirely of this Madrid team saying "We'll give you....X amount of money", with Mansfield United replying with "No, we're not a selling team. As long as kids in Asia and London buy our shirts we don't need your fucking money". Anyway, by August he's still there, but isn't playing because he hurt his foot, apparently.
Next year it will all happen again, and we will all have to hope that somehow the pidgeon explodes and kills us. oh, and also Ronaldo got really fat over the transfer saga. Recently, Sir Alex Ferdinand finally agreed terms with Real Madrid for a record transfer fee of a coke bottle and 2 chocolate bars for Ronaldo. While this was going on, Ronaldo was sunbathing in America with his wife, Wayne, and Rio Ferdinand. Upon hearing the news, he jumped to his feet and quickly muttered, "Yes this is very good for the club i am very happy." He sounded like an utter twat, also, to celebrate, him and Wayne organized a party and invited all their friends. Unsurprisingly, nobody showed up, particularly because they have no friends.
[edit] Ronaldo's Ferrari Accident
Recently, Ronaldo crashed his Ferrari into a road barrier. The Ferrari, which Prince of Manfester reportedly awarded him for his excellent pole dancing skills, said (yes, it said)in its last words that it was better for it to crash into a stagnant barrier that to be driven by a twat who was putting its gear in his hole. This has lead to be believed that the Ferrari crashed itself. Police confirmed that the gear of the Ferrari was found wet. Ronaldo was uninjured. It has been reported that God refused to let him enter hell owing to his homosexuality. Another story is that Ronaldo was practicing to time his dives perfectly.
[edit] 2008 Summer Olympics
Ronaldo's greatest sporting achievement arguably came during the 2008 Olympics in Beijing. A tenacious performance saw him take the gold for Portugal in the Diving competition, after a tense final showdown with his great rival, Ivory Coast's Didier Drogba. Ronaldo's judges average of 9.6 narrowly edged out the irate Drogba, who stormed to the nearby TV cameras shouting "IT'S A DISGRACE!! IT'S A FUCKING DISGRACE!!!"
[edit] Related Links
He is also known as Fake Ronaldo.
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Ronaldo (The Fat One)
