Ronald McDonald
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[edit] Headline text
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[edit] Early McLife
Ronald McDonald's miraculous Mcbirth Was born On May 2nd in New York City, New York in 1957. He was born to Micheal Moore and his husband George W. bush. all though it is unsure of how Micheal and George managed to make a baby with 2 penises. The birth it's self was also a miracle as Ronald came out of micheal moore's anus. Ronald was an ugly baby,with frizzy red hair,and was an albino.
McChildhood When ronald started elementary school, he was frequentley bullied. He was mainly bullied because he wore make up to school and was albino, Ronald also was extremeley tall for his age.
McTeenager Ronald mcdonald attended South Bronx Highschool, and quickly dropped out when he was a junior because he said "highschool was hard and i hated all the people there,they used to call me bozo and they would do things like take shits in my locker, make me eat their shit" stated mcdonald in a recent interview. some of his bullies(The burger king, The Taco Bell Dog, some redhaired flrecled girl and the carl's junior/hardee's happy star)would soon pay.
[edit] Millitary
After Ronald had dropped out of school and he had robebed his parents and stole their car he got a choice to go to vietnam or jail when he was arrested. He was then shipped out to vietnam. while there, he rose to become a staff sergant. but after 13 months in vietnam, ronald was shot once in the penis and once in the thigh. He was then shipped home to the U.S.
[edit] Fast Food Job
Since ronald was a highschool dropout and a penniless vietnam veteran he couldn't get a good job and had to work at a fastfood resteraunt called "The Anus Burger" when he was 23. Ronald hated his boss deeply because he would slam ronald's face into the grill when he would be making a burger. So one day ronald marched in and beat the shit out of his boss and then killed him and dumped his body in an open field outside of new york. He then claimed ownership of the anus burger and changed the name to "McDonald's"
Rival Resteraunts when mcdonalds was getting big other resteraunts such as Taco Bell and Burger King. Ronald remembered them had men plant explosives around both of their houses and in cars. The burger king and the taco bell dog wre both killed when they got into burger kings car and turned it on then it imediatley exploded killing both.
Success The food proved popular. More than half of the population has eaten his fat foods. While the food tastes great, it is actually clumps of fried cow shit. Over 9000! people. therefore spreading a new disease called aids.
Soon his business took off, with as many as 5 chains opening a week. But not everything was going well. Suspicions arose about McDonald's former boss whom had went missing before ronald and stories started to spread that he was putting mind-control drugs in his food, (this is ridiculous of course, he only put normal drugs in his food). Soon things got serious. A warrant was passed for his arrest after an alleged kidnapping of an American child; it later turned out that the child was a Mexican, so McDonald was released.
Upon arriving back at McDonalds he discovered a thief trying to steal his secret recipe (a futile action as McDonalds burgers are made of porn pictures of children.)Ronald couldn't call the police because he reminded them of the Joker (see below), so he decided to rape this person, only to find out that he was a fictional character. Friendship soon followed and the former thief was used in McDonald's advertising campaigns. The Hamburgler was (metaphorically) born.
But these incidents made the clown see how fragile his position was, he needed to entrench himself in the American psyche. This was the start of a road which would lead Ronald to be an internationally celebrated icon. Afterwards Ronald Shmackdonald fell into a quite a crazy drug addiction for a couple of months that ended when he got the bird flu from a little eskimo boy in bangcock.z
[edit] McImmunity
Ronald McDonald, Michael Jackson,The Joker and any other clown type singer psychopath come from a blood line that is immune to all types of STDs AMAs BBCs ABC etc.... This was a great advantage to McDonald, as he could rape ANY kid without dying of STD s. He kept raping kids with STDs, unaware of the downside of this trait.
One day, in the middle of masturbating with MJ, he went into a 2 week coma. When he woke up in the gay men hospital, Michael Jackson explained, "You may be immune to dying from STDs, but that doesn't mean you don't catch them." Realizing this, he was a little more careful with choosing his kids, because now he has to insert 55 dildo sized pills up his ass every day, and even that is too much for him to handle. Some people say that Ronald kills people who know of his secret recipe and that has caused the belief that Ronald is a marauding zombie.(which is not true he is really most likely a vampire/clown monster.)
[edit] The Rise and Fall of Ronald McDonald
McDonald couldn't help but lose popularity with each passing single and it seemed he was destined for the big time beating. Fast cars, luxurious mansions, chihuahuas ... he wished for it all. As a hobby he would chew on dildos, until one accidentally vibrated and knocked most of his teeth out. He got much of his talent from his brother, Michael Jackson; both of whom used cosmetic surgery in an attempt to further their careers. It was at this point in his life when everything started to go wrong. Firstly, notorious ex-girlfriend Michelle Jochum told the press that she was expecting a love-child with McDonald. Jochum had also expressed her love for Scientology and so was not the ideal mother for McDonald's baby. McDonald denied any relation had ever taken place, but DNA testing later proved otherwise. This affair was detailed in McDonald's 1991 single "Silly Bitch". This is the video:
Secondly, McDonald began to push his father, The Joker, out of the limelight with the release of his 1991 EP "Ain't No Jokin' My Joker (I'm the New Clown Prince of Crime)". This lead his whole family to criticize the quality of Ronald's, and eventually publicly denounce him. The Joker now resides on the planet McDonald's Land Def Con 5, with most of the family. He is currently dating Delta Goodrem and Australia's Princess Edna simultaneously, thanks to the country's lax laws on bigamy.
[edit] McBankrupt,McDepression,McExecution
It all started when Colonel Sanders joined in with Taco Bell, and shortly after Taco bell dog "accidentally" getting ran over, increasing the colonels money he rolls in. After owning two businesses, the Colonel felt that he had much unneeded competition, from the likes of McDonalds, Burger King, Wendy's. and the almighty Jack in the Box. He realized to make it big he first must take all of them down, and with Jack near untouchable, twisting a confuted plot that making Jack feel safe and convinced when he takes Ronalds, The kings, and Wendy's bank accounts. Ronald losing his business, went into a depression along with the others, his wife Birdie leaving and having to pay for the one night stand, with the girls treating him like dirt. He contemplated suicide sixteen times, and one attempt which left him without a pinky toe on his left foot. The Colonel comes to all 3 restaurant owners plotting to overthrow Jack. All willing to do what it takes, even poor sweet wendy, who had to go to prostitution the last two months, joined in on the scheme.
3 weeks later, Jack was strolling along when The King, Ronald, and Wendy popped from a alleyway holding him up. Ronald got to close and Jack stole his gun and shot point blank range in the forehead. Now Wendy goes into a frantic and Jack permits her to leave since she is a pathetic woman and would feel disgusted wasting a bullet, making run from the scene. During this exchange the king pulled out his meat cleaver and stuck Jack in the chest, expecting death to overcome him, the King runs off; Colonel Sanders was across the street in an apartment of a friends to scout out. Colonel leaves and sees Jack still alive and paramedics rushing in, having the Colonel escape the scene. Jack recovers and sends a a wanted poster to selected people for the King. The king comes to the col asking for help, an over the col can't refuse, feeling it would be the perfect time to eliminate Jack and The King. They confront Jack with the king shooting Jack 67 bullets threw Jacks Styrofoam head before he releaized what had happened. The Col almost immediately kills the King and reported it self defense and said he tried to save Jack, making him a hero.
The Colonel eventually became the number one fast food power internationally, with the competition dead, as Wendy went into a deeper depression and suicide with 15 nyquil pills and vodka. 10 years later the Burger Bandit finds reports of the Colonel consulting Ronald during this period and went to his house at midnight and strangled the Colonel to death, then dying in a mist of bullets when the swat team arrived. Ronald was later resurrected and got back with Birdie and forgot this mishap, stuffing the Burger Bandit and putting him in his office. Jeremy Koerner was then found guilty of the alleged crimes against the colonel. he served two weeks in prison and was forced to eat fried chicken before he was violently drawn and quartered. But Ronalds success didn't last long this time, as the King was soon ressurected by an unknown force. The king is now plotting revenge against the colonel, Jack, and Ronald
Ronald and Birdie's 1st daughter born.
Finally, he suffered an attempt on his life, when fellow gangster rapper, the late, great Threepac fired 8 rounds at him with a cabbage-rifle. He survived, but spent the next 4 months in a series of hospitals, as no single hospital would accept him for more than two weeks after a series of other disappearing patients.
McDonald recovered and released his new album Mr. T Ain't Got Shit On Me in 1991, which sparked the hit single Butt Fights'. McDonald realised that he could have died in the attempt on his life, and decided to live each day as if it were his last.
[edit] Ron the McDon
Ronald, with more power in the food chain industry than ever, has created a racket throughout his food chain in order to insure he would be the only food chain industry in the United States. He hired several McHitmen to kill the Col. and the King. Wendy, who had been resurected, was still in depression, so he didn't need to worry about her. But things went downhill after a few years as a botched attempt on the Col. ended violently.Ronald has since shut down his racket and is slowly in a decline in business.
[edit] Ronald in his McDay off
Now McDonald's life took a turn for the bizarre. He took up several furry creatures as companions and turned them into his new crew (a trait learned from his brother). One of his members, the "Hamburgeler" as he liked to be called, managed to steal several different secret formulas from rivals(Not all burger related). One of the Hamburgekers most notable achievements was the McFlurry, which was a cheaper version of the Dairy Mafia Queen's Blizzard. He also stole the queen's crown jewels and Rosie O'Donald's virginity. His once youthful and boyish good looks were replaced by that of a weathered old man. His locks began to curl and his tanned complexion became more and more pale. It was becoming obvious to all and sundry that something was amiss. His penis took a sharp turn to the left. Yes, that's right kids: Ronald is now 100% gay; as gay as the day is long.
This meant that he would work extra hard to seduce men of all ages with his fast food chain.The Burger King thinking Mcdonald was crazy killed Ronald ,but it was just a clone. He slaughtered and served several women who ate there once they were fat enough, and sold them off to men hungry for oral sex. He calmed down after getting pregnant with his first child, but a warehouse full of bead meatbags would later lead to an arrest.
Appearing on an Oprah special in the mid 80s, McDonald told the millions watching that he was happy in his life and that everything was fine. He also made it quite clear that he was not undergoing cosmetic surgery again, and try to remake his old face. Despite his lies, evidence that his face was undergoing some kind of transformation was finally obvious when he was spotted out shopping complete with large bulbous red nose and a fake vagina. Those closest to him who have agreed to speak to the media have blamed McDonald's clown-like appearance on his obsession with the circus and the countless times as a child when his father whipped him to within an inch of his life while dressed like a ringmaster.Vagina.
The characteristically orange overall is from his days at Guantanamo Bay. It was after a birthday party in McDonald's, Kabul, where he terrorized kids with stupid jokes, balloons and singing. He was detained and immediately deported to Guantanamo.
[edit] McArrest
On August 28th, 1989, McDonald was detained at Fort Lauderdale International Airport and later arrested for attempted Big Mac smuggling. He was returning from a "spiritual vacation" (read "underage sex holiday") in Afghanistan and his suitcase was filled almost entirely with Big Macs and McBig McDildos. McDonald took a plea bargain and served just six months in gay men prison, but wanted to stay longer because he enjoyed raping men in the showers. Inside. While He Even Loves Birdie The Early bird to improve her shit After being released from Gay Men Prison there was an incident at the Mcdonalds shit fest. A 25 year old women received third degree burns from spilling coffee on herself. A later interview with the faggot himself, Ronald apologized and had finally outed his embarassing addiction to sticking his penis in hot coffee. Ronald ran away, leaving customers staring at their coffee.
In 2004, McDonald was caught at a diner in Mississippi, ass fucking little boys in the washroom. He was arrested and put away in the local prison in Kosciusko, where he was let out on bail by a "mystery man". He also pleaded guilty to calling the payphone at a diner in New Jersey every night at exactly midnight since 1998 looking for "manly love" It was even covered in the hit magazine, Weird N.J.. When asked for comment he replied "I need a man badly, I can't live without one!"
In 2008 he was arrested for removing lettuce from every tenth Big Mac sold, replacing it with Marijuana however he was released after giving the marijuana to the judge saying "It will make you happy and send you on a wonderful adventure"
However it is suspected that marijuana is still a secret ingredient in the making of the Big Mac due to several children and toddlers have been reported seeing Ronald raping them. However, it is unknown if these raping hallucinations really were side effects due to a rash found down under in the shape and colours of Ronald McDonald's head.
Ronald proved these further marijuana allegations wrong when he ate a Big Mac and at first he was fine then later in the month he was reported to have raped a GIRL. That is when everyone knew marujuana was in the burger. He was in a "Correctional Rape facility" for two months
[edit] McClones
[edit] McDonald's Business Life
McDonald is not just renowned for his worldwide raping rapping weird singing status. "status". He is now in fact the head of the 'McDonald's' corporation (AKA FuckDonald's). In November 1996, a failing businessman by the name Ray Croach approached the rapper after hearing of his triple-platinum failure. He did not know the reason why his fast food joint, Salmonella, was sub ceding but believed a new face like Ronald McDonald's would make it look better. After months of being stalked and receiving hate mail, McDonald gave in to Kroc and signed a $10 million contract that would almost overshadow his rap career.
During his early years, McDonald was interested in the adult entertainment business. His main partner was Ronald McJeremy in the production of the movies San Francisco: Wild Nights, I'm So Ronny Tonite, Eat My Big Mac and Ron v. Ron: The Sex of the Century.
Together, McDonald and Kroc created the world's top food corporation, knocking KFC from the long held position. The mixture of addictive crap food and a clown rapper was just too irresistible to America and children of the world. With this initial success, McDonald decided send the other members of his rap group Mc Unit to countries around the globe and spread the chain's grasps. Big P tripled the yearly gross; Miss Birdie Fly proved a hit in 5 countries; Kid Fiddler however did not seem to have any appeal.
With his change in appearance, McDonald became obsessed with his fast food chain. He fired Kroc and entitled himself, 'de Furher' of McDonald's. Seeing that he was the biggest success with children, he began to invite them to his McRanch, calling them the McKiddies. No one was to know what went on in his ranch until 2005. He also added supersize option to every meal, but had to cut down the size after the disastrous 'Supersize Pee' documentary. The kids remained untouched. After being fired, Kroc went into television underneath the motormouth name Alton Brown.
[edit] McDonald today
McDonald's 1995 albums: Yo Kids Need to Eat Yo Food to Grow Up Phat Like Me and Shut Yo' Fuckin' Face, Bitch! , which were finally released to non-McDonaldians in September 2005 was an immediate flop, shifting just 8 copies in a two week period and spelling financial disaster for McDonald. This had been just the icing on the deep fried cake that is McDonald's downfall. With no extension to his current record deal, McDonald had taken to releasing Greatest Hits album after Greatest Hits album before leaving Sony to join independent label, "Shit Music" and recently released his new solo project "Ron - By Request Only" - a modern take on the easy listening classics of yesteryear.
McDonald has recently been under the spotlight for his controversial scheme to give money to fellow rappers if they include references to his fast food chain in their music and following further allegations that he had been allowing children to sleep in his bed, he was taken to court and narrowly acquitted of being involved with five child actors within the space of four months. Ronald McDonald may also own part of your penis/vagina. He currently controls every kid with these:
Ronald recently opened a charin of Booger King resturaunts that serve poisonous food to the customers in the hope that people would sue Burger King for all of there problems.
Recently McDonald was sued for bait and switch at a Pittsburgh Booger King. During the trial the brother and bodyguard of the victim ,Ross Lugar and Alex Stoyanoff , attacked Ronald and damaged his face beyond reconition. Ronald has decided to go under the knife once again to repair his face.
In May of 2009 Ronald announced he is in a relationship with the fameous politition Bob Barr and that they will be married in June.
McDonald recently purchased the Arby's chain in a useless effort to destroy Burger King.
But We All Know Fred's Snack Station of Loughborough, Sells Miracle Burgers and Will Eventually make McDonalds His Biatch
[edit] Ronald and the McTarot
For a short time in Japan, Ronald was a tarot card reader operating under the pseudonym "DONALDO" (Japanese : ドナルド) He gave up his tarot reading practice and renounced his New Age views on religion when he discovered that tarot cards were originally made for games. He now thinks its more fun to play card games with tarot cards and has become the tarot game movement's most well known spokesperson.
[edit] Ronald McDonald and McCafe's
Ronald McDonald has recently undergone a long love affair short lived with cafes. He likes the open live gay music, and has been known to strum an acoustic penis once or twice and do a set of buttcheeks. He has recently attempted to make a female repellant and only make those little boys sit with him in the cushy lounging areas to promote raping and child porn in the proud tradition of McDonald's.
This hasn't worked to everyone's tastes; many straight people have complained that their poetry books have been ruined by the amount of weiner cheese that accumulates through thumbing their penises while eating penis fries and cum wraps. Also, some intellectuals have stated that they have become dumber while attempting to masturbate and eat a cock at the same time. Ronald McDonald has not substantiated any of these claims, but he has offered dildos to ease the tension.
[edit] True McDentity
Many Police officers have tried to discover who Ronald McDonald truly is and why he commits horrible crimes. Finally on August 24th 2008, they made a horrific discovery. They discovered that in Ronald McDonald is in reality the son of Batman's arch foe, The Joker. Ronald was taken into custody and confessed it all. He had left many signs about this identity, such as his famous quote "Put a Smile on" and "We love to see you smile". Ronald confessed that his food was his deadliest weapon and that he planned to have America eliminated. He then broke free of his chains and ran laughing and jumped out the window (forgetting it was the seventh floor). McDonalds scooped up his body and made him into a Happy Meal! Yay!
The Joker denied reports that Ronald McDonald was his son, saying that Ronald McDonald "was a fucked up clown to begin with. He wasn't my son and to this day I never laid claim on him. I'm glad that hasbeen met his fate!" DNA tests proved that the self proclaimed King of Fast Food was NOT the son of the Clown Prince of Crime.
[edit] Discography Mc
- 5-Piece Chicken Dinner and Large Fries, Y'all! (1988)
- Mr. T Ain't Got Shit on Me (1991)
- Ain't No Jokin' My Joker (I'm the New Clown Prince of Crime) (An EP released to attack his father, The Joker) (1991)
- Ya Fucked Now, Fatass! (An EP released in response to the Ron Jeremy supposedly getting fat from McDonald's) (1992)
- McDonald's in Da House (Just Call and We'll Deliver to Yo' Door) (1993)
- Royale With Cheese (1994)
- Yo' Kids Need to Eat Yo' Food to Grow Up Phat Like Me (1995) now just $0.99!
- Big n' nasty (suck these mcnuggets) feat:Snoop Dogg (Off Snoop Doggs upcoming album titled: "Puppy fucker")
- The Clown Who's Down (ICP diss) off Ronalds new album: "Straight clownin"
- I want to Fry like an eagle (steve miller remix)feat Willam Hung'ry (also off "straight clownin")
- Fuck Dat Count Burgula's (2000)
- Birdie the early bird's uncle is hidden from McDonald's Breakfast Meals (2000)
- Big Mac Makes You Phat (2000)
- That Shit Ain't Mine (A spoken word album in retalliation to recent child-porn/food poisoning accusations) (2001)
- Run Coyote's or You're Mah Bitch (2001)
- Colonel Sanders Sucks Less Dick Than Me ('Cause He Ain't Got Kids) (2002)
- Run Phat Man, Run (2003)
- What'd Ya Say 'Bout a Ho's Fillet-o-Fish? (2003)
- Carl's Nigga Star Up the Ass (2004)
- Bitch Mac: Da Big Mac! (2004)
- Niggaz Ain't Ready for Chicken Selects! (2005)
- Fuck That Nigga Burger King! (2006)
- Not anything too hard (This album calls Birdie the early bird pleasing her husband NOT how to be STUPID
- McFlurry From the Toilet (2007)
- Turn You in to a Big Mac Pimp (2007)
- Blood Ketchup (The Joker Diss Part II) (2008)
- Walken Can Suck My Straw (Diss to the Walken who shot him in a drive by - MC Ronald would eventually survive six shots to the face) (2008)
- Hamburglar's Mom (Has Got it Going On) (Hamburglar diss tape) (2007, uncovered in 2008)
- Wendy Ain't Nothin' But a Ho!!! (In My Garden) (A sell-out album available to kids) (coming 2009)
- Nigga, I'm Broke (coming 2009)
- Grimace Can Fuck Off cause The Clown is Back! (Grimace diss tape) (1996) (Just Discovered)
- I'm Lovin the drips from my Cock (Single) (2009) (From the album Pubes in my mouth)
- Cum Shot America (Single) (2009) Released June 2009, Collaboration With Marilyn Manson
- Armagoddmanmotherfuckinmcdonald (Single) (2009)
- The High End Of The Fall Of Mcdonalds(2009 Album awaiting release)
- Running To the edge of the frie (Single) (November 2009)
In addition, Ronald has sang backup vocals on a number of top ten singles, including Peg by Steely Dan, Steal Away by Robbie Dupree, and Magnet and Steel by Walter Egan. Shortly after His Live8 duet with Eminem, he appeared as "Young Alex" in flashback scenes in Kubrick's A Clockwork Orange Soda.
[edit] McActors
At any given time, there are dozens, or possibly hundreds, of actors retained by McDonald's to appear as Ronald McDonald in restaurants and events. It is assumed, however, that the company uses only one actor at a time to play the character in national television commercials. Following is a list of such primary Ronald actors.
- Bruce Wayne (Gotham City, 1963 – 1966)
- Michael Jackson (worked for 6 months in 1995 before being fired when jealous Catholic preists got pissed off)
- Russell Crowe (2000 - )
- Petey Piranha (2008-2008)
- The Joker (impersonated his son from 1999 - 2005)
[edit] McReferences
Incase you couldn't be bothered to read all that, the point we were trying to get across was that Ronald is a sick paedophile
[edit] See Also
- Fatlas
- BCU
- McDonald's
- Feud Food: Drive-Thru Deathmatch
- Clown
- Incest
- The Joker, Ronald McDonald's father.
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