Ron Weasley

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Weasley edited
Weasley's diet consists primarily of his own hair.
“ Weasley... Hrmm...A weasel is an animal! They have no democracy! And they bite things and kill stuff, so that means that Ron Weasley is a terrorist! OMG NUKE HIM OMG!”
~ George Bush on Ron Weasley
“ We had something...at least I thought we did, but he said he loved Mr Snape, so I shot him in the testicles.”
~ Griffindore Bassist Hermoine Grainger on Ron Weasley
“ Harry Potter is pretty unrealistic, i mean a ranga with 2 friends?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Ron Weasley

Ronaldo Charlton "Ron" Weasley (March 1, 1980 - May 26, 3098) was the drummer for the classical rock band 'The Griffindore Binge Drinkers'. Regarded as the stupid, ugly, unimportant guy who nobody cares about,much like other drummers, Ron vowed to break the trend of useless drummers...and failed miserably, to such an extent that he was banned from HIS OWN GIGS! Lead singer of the drinkers, Harold Potter, said "That orange motherfucker can really suck my balls".

Life

Background

Ronald was born as the 4th child of Arthur and Molly Weasely. Just like everyone else in the family, he's A Ginger. Everywhere. He is part weasel too! Get it "Weasly"? It is also of interest that during his second visit to the town of Silent Hill he was savagely raped and sodomized my a red pyramid thing, who forcibly inserted numerous carrots up his rectum untill he bled

Education

Ron was sent to Hogwarts school for his education, after puberty FINALLY caught on with him. There he was assigned to Hagrid, who never had a wife for himself. While 'serving' Hagrid, it occurred to him that Raping girls using his wooden stick would be a much better idea. As he knew his education was complete, he stole a Ford Tempo and zoomed away to Greenville MI.(some say that Dumbledore was flying on that broom when Ron stole it, Dumbledore Hit on Snape, Ron cried 'PWND N00B' and zoomed away and the whole myth of seeing Snape in bad light started.) Before the teachings at Hogwarts he was the best child porn-star.

Hermione

Hermione hitting on ron
Ron and Hermione, seconds before the raping of Ron.

This porn-star was Ron's first Bitch. And first victim too. She fell in love with his stick. Actually, she was made to fall in love with him using his WOODEN stick. The affair went on for some time, becoming extremely emotionally complicated when Hermione was forced to have Hagrid give her an Abortion with a flaming chainsaw. Ron was also reportedly turned off by the fact that Hermione had more strength than any other witch he had ever met. They first fornicated in the Hufflepuff common room, Ronald was giving it hard to Hermoine, when another student came in. In a flash of impulse the other student sent a stunning spell at both and knocked them out, after which the student raped both Hermione and Ron. They somehow later got married but she was an abusive husband-beater who tortured Ron for his gingerness, eventually he had enough and with the help of his boyfriend Harry and his bitch Luna Lovegood they killed her and left her to be raped by a tramp called Seamus. Unfortunately though she came back and he knew he was fuc*ed.

Harry

It has often been suggested that Harry and Ron dated since Ron became pregnant after they did the do on the Hogwarts Express on the way to Hogwarts in the first book. Ron got an abortion, but they continued dating until Harry, Ron, and Dumbledore went to straight camp the summer before Harry fell for Cho. Ron eventually fell for his sister. Dumbledore failed straight camp.

Ginny

Ginny is the third member of Harry and Ron's marriage. All three of them enjoy prancing over meadows and making fairy gardens. They are ever so happy

Armpits

He has two. And they're orange. Hermione says so.

Nipples

He has a third (the location of the fourth is ambiguous and is thought to be around his left knee or "fire knee." but, further details are not being allowed out into the public....yet) It is directly below his 2nd. Which could be on either side, just like Marky Mark. It is completely covered in red hair.

The Conflicts In The Wizarding World And Ron's Role In It (Actually, Ron's The Reason)

Ron's marriage with his sister triggered a row of protests, led by Lord Voldemort and supported by Lucius Malfoy. These were the wizards who thought that the wizards should not be immoral. They thought that marrying one's sister was bad and immoral, which was of course wrong. Rest of the protesting wizards wanted the Sex Bomb called Ginny for themselves. (Licking Red Hairs - goes a poem by Snape.) But seeing that they would not get her, they joined the protests.

Marches were taken out to the Ministry, letters were written to the 'Daily Prophet', Ron's house was stoned and burned, but Ron did not relent. Support came in the form of Harry Potter, who was a former client of Hermione. He upheld Ron's right of marrying his sister. This angered the good guys, especially Lord Voldemort. When he decided to intensify the protests, Harry killed him, using his wooden stick and a freak lightning-shaped scar. This scared everyone and the protests died down. Actually, that was good as Harry did not have any more scars left.

Relationship with Harry

It's well known that Ron and Harry share a very close friendship, in a relationship that is often compared with that of George and Lennie from John Steinbeck's Of Mice And Men. Out of the two, Ron is shown to be the more cowardly - as frequently shown in the books, Ron often becomes terrified by even the slightest opposition, a fact made worse by his tendency of spontaneous urination. This even becomes an important plot point, as Harry must follow the trail of bodily fluids left behind after a shrieking Ron runs terrified from the sight of a cockroach and hid in the bushes surrounding Hogwarts.

As for Harry it has been very hard to keep up with him. When the time of the month comes by he not only has to deal with Hermonie and her little "mood swings" but also Ron's. It is said he has more than Hermione...

There has been much speculation into how close Ron and Harry's relationship is, the idea that they are more than just good friends has been spoken about often.

Rons frequent visits to Harry's room and possibly bed have been noticed on several occasions. But also his many visits to the headmasters office, which has mysteriously been sound proofed recently, suggest Harry may not be the only man for him.

“Me and Harry... Well... we were...like...like...friends, thats all nothing more! We were best friends so close, he was a brilliant friend as well...his brilliant personality, his amazing hair, his voice, his amazing eyes, the way he would look at me, we shared sweets, homework, a room...a bunk bed and we did everything together. we played quiditch together. we also did lots of stuff to each other, like stripping each other and having sex. shit... did i just fucking say that... i,uh, DAMN IT, HARRY'S GONNA GIVE IT TO ME HARD TONIGHT AND IT'LL HURT!!... shit

~ Ron on his relationship with Harry.

Some of Ron's spells

Run away: Ron runs away

Death

Ron was murdered by an outraged Hermione, while he was frolicking with his older brother, Percy. Completely evny that Ron was spending time with him and not her, she shouted the incanation "Ronnikus Explodicus". Ron's head blow off, and many mourned at his small funeral held in his mother's basement (budget problems).

Ron's death can be viewed here: http://youtube.com/watch?v=VFd4RgU6Ko4

The Image Makeover

J K Rowling

When Ron realised that people fear him and don't respect him, he paused fucking Ginny, took out some leprachaun gold, sat on his broom, flew on and around London, and hired an unemployed woman to write a series of books about himself and the Wizarding world in general. The books were an immediate hit in the Muggle world. Their smashing success made even some wizards read them. The powerful charm placed on the books' pages made the Muggles believe the crap written inside the books. Children started believing that when they turned 11 they would be whisked away to Hogwarts to learn magic and have sex with the famous Hermione Granger. They started believing that Lord Voldemort was a bad guy and Harry killed him because he had killed Harry's parents. And Ginny is Ron's sister and she is married off to Harry, which was, of course, crap.

Ministry!!!

After Ron knew that the Wizards were no more against him, he appointed himself their Minister. He gave Harry the status of Savior. J K Rowling did not need anything because the books made her filthy rich anyway. She decided to keep merchandising, with films and stuff, to keep the money rolling in however.

Future Work

After playing himself in the films of the super successful Harry Potter books, Ron is considering becoming similar to Arnold Schwarzenegger, and become a King of Wizardkind, and Actor. He is currently signed up to appear in M. Night Shyamalan's musical remake of The Wizard of Oz Movie, due out 2010. He also has scheduled appearances on the Oprah Winfrey Show, and The Apprentice.

Ronese

Ron has been known to be the only funny person in the Harry Potter films because of his increasingly shitty quotes and breaking voice. It has sparked so much attention to nerds world over that an official language was created called "Ronese". Slowly catching up with bullshit fantasies from movies like Jedi-ism, Ronese is being spoken by 250'000.564 (85%) Ron-lookalikes and wannabes around the world, mainly in towns situated in far way mountain regions like Switzerland and the Himalayas to escape having the shit bagged out of them by normal people. Phrases include:

  • "Bwwillliant!"
  • "Blaahdy Haa-uhll"
  • "Oi doint loik spoiduhs"
  • "Shuddup Hawwy"
  • "Uughh, freeheadeddoggyslobber"
  • "Twoll bowgiees"

Controversy

Sexuality

Ron's sexuality is a point of contention among fans. Though many claim that, while Ron and Harry hold a close relation, the two are merely friends. However, several scenes in the books dispute this theory. In the first book, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, Harry is shown late at night pleasuring himself while thinking of Ron. Later, in The Order of the Phoenix, the two share an extended makeout session in Chapters 17, 24 and 38. In the seventh book, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows, Chapters 20-26 consist solely of various sexual interactions between Harry and Ron. Rumor has it that J.K. Rowling, in desperation to pad the final book, merely directly copied scenes from the thousands of fanfiction already written about the coupling of the two.

Cannibalism

It has been suggested by reliable sources that Ron had acquired his mother's taste for human flesh. Though his cannibalistic tendencies were glossed over by J. K. Rowling, there were several subtle references. For example, in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Ron is quoted to say: "Man, I am so hungry for you Harry. It's gonna be yummy tonight!" though this could be taken as a reference to his bisexuality. However, in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, he states: "I really want to eat some warm human flesh! Right now! Meaty meaty! I like eating humans!" Ron has said that he has been completely misquoted here, and is far too cowardly to possibly eat a human. This claim still leaves the mystery which surrounds Lord Voldemort's body, which was found in Ron's bed, covered in Ron's bodily fluids, and with a chunk of leg missing.

Gingers

The National Association for the Advancement of Gingers (NAAG) reports that J.K Rowling's depiction of Ron Weasley in both Harry Potter movies and books portrays gingers in a negative light. Reddy McIrish, head of the NAAG, complains that, "The Harry Potter book series would lead elementary and junior high school students to believe that gingers are a shy, self conscious bunch, who automatically defer to, and seek the authority of, a more commonly hair colored best friend." The NAAG also claims that the book perpetuates the stereotype that gingers are clumsy, nervous, and poor; when only the last one is true.

Harry Potter
Characters Hairy Potter · Ron Weasley · Albus Dumbledore · Severus Snape · Sirius Black · Luna Lovegood · Dobby · Lord Voldemort
Books List of Harry Potter Books · J.K. Rowling · First Draft · Catholic Church Version · Worst 100 Harry Potter Spin-off Novel Series of All Time
Places Hogwarts
Misc. Ripoffs · Snape kills Dumbledore · Dumbledore's closet · Potter's Sexuality · Inevitable Musical (Sequel)
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