Romeo and Juliet
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Romeo & Juliet (other wise known as HULIET!) is an epic tale of two Asexual kids. Its is a work of literature considered the classic joint-suicide guide and the worst play ever written. It consists of a really long really boring build up for 5 acts, that all leads up to an all too obvious ending that everyone and his grandma has known about since birth that really isn't all that interesting anyway.
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[edit] Plot Overview
Romeo and Juliet is considered (cough) to be the defining romantic tale. As such its main components are
"Two Households, soon to lack all dignity In Fair Verona, where we lay our semen. From troubled teens to emo tendencies, We cyber trolls make Yuku Forums unclean. From forth the fatal teaching of one dead writer A pair of eye-cross'd losers... get a life!"
Act I- A gatecrasher makes out with a 13-year old girl because he read 20 issues of Playboy and felt like making out with Rosaline, but he ends up getting the damn emo cracker girl!
Act II- An illegitimate wedding the next day presided by a pedophile priest. That priest's name is Slater from Dazed and Confused and smokes shit in Mount Vernon. He offers Romeo a joint, but Romeo likes smoking it in a bong better.
Act III- A drunken brawl ending up in a series of murders; before ending with a show trial by the Veronan police-state. A convicted murderer breaks and enters into a mansion to sleep with a 13-year old girl, completely stripping her of socks.
Act IV- Juliet is given near-lethal quantities of depressants by a priest. He makes her sleep and she is buried alive next to Adam Sessler, Morgan Webb, and Jamie Hyneman. Donald Fagen buries them out and cuts their hair with the help of General Escalus, who owns an Escalade.
Act V- Romeo breaks his restraining order; violating his parole to buy Grade 1 controlled substances from a local dealer. Romeo kills Juliet's grieving fiancé; before turning on himself. The priest finishes off Juliet with a sword before she can testify to the state police. Before anyone arrives he rearranges the bodies to implicate she had enough strength to drive a 10-pound sword through herself while having a toxin blood-count enough to put down a small horse.
General Escalus wishing to cover the inadequacy of the cities police forces; distracts the press by a showy off-the-cuff speech implicating several prominent Veronan citizens.
Act VI- The characters all get up and a fake audience claps. They were in a play all along. Shakespeare is nominated for an Oscar despite mixed reviews but H.P Lovecraft picks up the Oscar for his work in 'Richard and Judy's- A true love story. With added demonic sea-spiders.' The show-in-a-show format combined with a spiked barb at the then big-budget and unvaried play content of most play production at the time is considered by some as evidence of Romeo and Juliets status as the first post-modern sitcom.
[edit] Character List
- Romeo: Gatecrashing; drug taking; pedophilic murderer; first son of the 'Gambetti' crime family. If you think this somehow qualifies him as the most romantic male to grace the planet you are mentally ill. Originally, he was named 'Foxtrot', but, after several performances of the play, he was re-christened as Romeo. Similarly, the House Of Montague was originally called 'The House Of Fraser', but it, too, was changed.
- Juliet: A small girl. Is somewhat of a lesbian, except not really. Much to Romeo's delight, sleeps with several girls.
- Lord Capulet: The dominating patriarch of the Capulet family. Thinks little of women due to his mothers spurn of his sexual overtures to her as a child.
Marlon Brando as Lord Capulet, the patriarch.
- Lady Capulet: An old woman. Falls into the spell of dominating men due to a Freudian moment in her childhood were she was sexually attracted to her dad after he drunkenly lashed her with his belt.
- Jean Valjean: Cross-over character from the popular manga ‘’Van Helsing’’, inserted in an attempt to increase readership
- Tybalt: Son of Lord Capulet. Intends to kill his father and position himself as patriarch of the family in order to curry the sexual favours of his mother.
- Benvolio: Puncy little pacifist. Also known as Captain Obvious, he spends most of his time pointing out exactly what will happen in the play, and explaining (to the members of the audience that just went to the bathroom) exactly what has happened so far. He also likes long walks on the beach and being a tag-along.
- Gordon 'Skull-crusher' Gambetti- Father of Romeo and patriarch of the Gambettis. Thinks little of women due to his mothers spurn of his sexual overtures to her as a child.
- Lady Gambetti- A old woman. Falls into the spell of dominating men due to a Freudian moment in her childhood were she was sexually attracted to her dad after he drunkenly lashed her with his belt.
- General Escalus- Grand dictator of Verona. Got the position by killing his father. The guilt of this manifests itself through his sexual relations with his mother.
- Mercutio- Romeo's friend. Intends to kill his father and position himself as patriarch of the family in order to curry the sexual favours of his mother.
- Friar Lawrence- A secret cynic; he relishes the crucifixion image of Jesus; and wishes he could be free from his conscriptive religious values. Grows and sells drugs for some reason.
- Nurse: Juliet's servant. Working class; as such has no noticeable personality details except her obsessive-compulsive eating. Probably results from a Freudian moment in her childhood were she was sexually attracted to her dad after he drunkenly lashed her with his belt.
- Balthasar- Free-styles his way out of poverty to become an acquaintance of Juliet. Only included due to the AWESOMAGE of his name.
- Prince 'Prince' Paris- Fiancé/Groomer of Juliet. Buys her from her father in exchange for control of the dock-side gambling casinos. Thinks little women are hot due to his mother's diminished size.
- Will Shakespeare- Writer seen in end scene. The dominating patriarch of the play. Thinks little of women due to a Freudian moment in his life were he was kicked in the balls by Blackadder.
[edit] Who Is To Blame
Yoko Ono. Yes, she even got her ugly Japanese nose into Shakespeare's work. She broke up Romeo and Juliet, killed Tybalt, and after all this, committed a double murder by playing her song "Waiting for the D Train" on repeat to Romeo, and showing the cover of John Lennon's "Two Virgins" album to Juliet. Yoko now collects all of Romeo and Juliet's royalties and makes millions, like she does with a certain deceased Beatle.
[edit] Spoilers
They all die. The End.
[edit] Fun Facts
- Verona does live up to its image of a romantic city in one way. It has one of the highest AIDSs rates recorded in western civilization.
- In 1932 much controversy was caused when a film was made of the Baghdad cover of the staged play. Opponents argued that the play was thus a play in a play in a film; which is just plain stupid.
- If you take every other page number and add them together; they will never add up to an odd number. Try it yourself; if you don't believe.
- 4 known convicted rapists have fashioned themselves as modern-day Romeos. One of them even kept to girls only named Juliet. Now that's dedication.
- Shakespeare courted controversy at the time of publication, as critics cited racism due to every villain in the movie being black and every hero being a white Aryan super-soldier. However, Shakespeare has in time rejected controversy as statistics now prove black people are up to 10 times as more likely to be good-for-nothing criminals.
- Alan Driscoll, lead singer of techno band thewomb, has written a rock opera based on the play, entitled Mr Bean (He Done Rape Juliet)
- Romeo and Juliet was actually a real description of Shakespeare's early life. At the tender age of 48 Shakespeare met and soon married his future partner Romeo, and in dedication, wrote the play. They had 439 children.
- Romeo kisses Juliet's apparently dead body. Friar: "ewwwwww dude she hasn't brushed her teeth in 2 days!"
- Mantua, where Romeo is BaniShed to, is only 16 miles away. It makes you wonder why he went so emo over it...
- Juliet plays a self-named other (Juliet Burke) in Lost as a way of reviving her dead career.
[edit] Study Questions
- Should Romeo be brought up on statutory rape charges? Why or why not?
- Critique the ending based on the views of Dr Kevorkian. How would Nietzsche regard this?
- Discuss with a group how you would appropriate the play for a modern audience if Romeo was replaced by Chuck Norris. Would there be fewer rash decisions and more roundhouse kicks?
- Shakespeare wrote post Copernicus. Did he confuse Juliet as being the sun on purpose or was he simply an idiot?
- Rewrite the balcony scene under the assumption that Juliet and the nurse are lesbian lovers. How should Romeo rethink his suicide under these circumstances?
- What does it mean to "fetter your fine joints"? Was it possible to drag someone "on a hurtle thither" in Elizabethan times or is this an anachronism.
- This is rare example of a Shakespearian plot which did not involve a ghost. Did this detract from the plot? Did you even notice?
- How would the script have changed if the setting had been West Virginia? Would Romeo and Juliet have been cousins? Siblings?
- What would Jesus do? Discuss.
- Should Romeo give up heterosexual relations altogether and start dating one of his mates? Justify your answer. To make this simple, YES dating his mated would have caused both of them to live long and happy lives. just change the line in "romeo oh romeo where for art blah blah you get the picture" to Fellatio fellatio oh where art thou fellatio? Deny thy jelly and refuse thy doll and thou shall be but sworn thy hand then thou shall no longer need juliet".
- Should they make a video game out of this movie? Really, Killing people, explosions and fast cars. Sounds like the next GTA!
- Was Shakespeare really writing a story or was Juliet his alter ego? Discuss and sleep on it.
- Does the line "You're a saucy boy" represent Romeo's feelings towards Benvolio or Shakespeare simply having a moment of hilarity during his writing?
[edit] Further reading
 | The complete works of William Shakespeare |
|---|---|
| Tragedies: | Romeo and Juliet | Macbeth | King Lear | Hamlet | Othello | Titus Andronicus | Titus Androgynous | Julius Caesar | Antony and Cleopatra | Coriolanus | Troilus and Cressida | Timon of Athens |
| Comedies: | A Midsummer Night's Dream | All's Well That Ends Well | As You Like It | Cymbeline | Love's Labour's Lost | Measure for Measure | The Merchant of Venice | The Merry Wives of Windsor | Much Ado About Nothing | Pericles, Prince of Tyre | Taming of the Shrew | The Comedy of Errors | The Tempest | Twelfth Night | The Two Gentlemen of Verona | The Two Noble Kinsmen | The Winter's Tale |
| Histories: | King John | Richard II | Henry IV, Part 1 | Henry IV, Part 2 | Henry V | Henry VI, part 1 | Henry VI, part 2 | Henry VI, part 3 | Richard III | Henry VIII |
| Poems and Sonnets: | Venus and Adonis | The Rape of Lucrece | The Passionate Pilgrim | The Phoenix and the Turtle | A Lover's Complaint | Sonnet 18 |
