This highly unlikely tale of valor blah blah blah features the slapstick comedy of three wacky dudes who never manage to realize how frigging big China is and decide they want the whole slab of cheese for their respective selves.
In the green corner is Liu Bei, a morbidly delusional man with pendulous ear lobes who believes he is the descendent of Vishnu, the Hindu god, and wishes to restore his ancestor's fictitious kingdom of glory. In the red corner is Sun Quan, the third in a line of drop-like-flies kings that enforce strict inbreeding in their clan. Lastly, in the blue corner is Cao Cao, who had no particular noteworthy qualities. (Technically, there were 4 kingdoms. But no one cares about those Nanman jerks.)
Liu Bei, Sun Quan, Cow Cow, and a few other random people clash in this heroic saga in which heads fly, maidens cry, villages are pillaged, and no one asks why.
The Rocking Out of The Yellow Turbins
In the town of Bangagong, China, about 1900 years ago, three young singer/songwriters emerged and captured the hearts of a restless and opium-hungry Chinese youth. Local peasant Zhang Jza united his brothers Zhang Bza and Zhang Lza to start a boy band which would create an unprecedented stir in the then young Chinese music industry, "The Yellow Turbins". Contemporary music critic, Juice Lee, described the trio as so:
"The Yellow Turbins are hot. They have Bza the pretty boy, Lza, the tough one, and Jza, the ...leader. They totally break the mold of the boy band formula that has prevailed for the last 125 years, which prescribes having a rigid Confucian type with hair parted down the middle, a rigid Confucian type wearing a fez, and a rigid Confucian type with his hair parted somewhat differently every album. The Yellow Turbins have sass, panache, and most of all, zazz."
In absolutely no relation to the above, one year after the debut of the Yellow Turbins' first album an uprising led by yellow bandana-wearing rebels discontented with the tyrannical rule of the corrupt Chinese emperor began and created monumental chaos across the land.
Getting In There
In an attempt to suppress the rebellion, the emperor called out for military powers across China to brutally massacre the primarily poor peasant army that was threatening the utter bliss of the elite class. Answering the call were Liu Bei, Sun Jian, and a band of other faceless warlord wannabes who would sell out their people for a few bushels of rice and a goat from the emperor. After a mass deploying of troops, the rebellion was put down in time for lunch. However, amidst the hullabaloo, the emperor was frozen in carbonite by male ex-porn star, Ron "The Dong" Zhuo, who would then seize power and commence orgies on a scale of which would never again be duplicated. The Dong ushered in an age of unheard of bloodshed and poverty among the commoners, and everybody was bitching about it.
Severely Truncated Summary of Approximately 500 Pages of Story
Liu Bei and his two drinking buddies roam the land in search of the hottest babes in China. Coa Coa gets a headache. The head of the Sun Clan, Sun Jian kicks some ass, then dies of inbred genes. Sun Jian's son, Sun Ce, inherits the throne, kicks some ass, and dies of inbred genes. Sun Ce's inbred brother, Sun Quan, inherits the throne and then begins a new family tradition of doing absolutely nothing. The Dong's hired gun, Lu Bu rips China a gaping new asshole. Noble forces write biting letters of criticism to the oppressive Dong, to which he remains unfazed. Barely fuckable bitch gets primo boob job and distracts The Dong long enough for Lu Bu to fatally impale him in the throat with a sharpened wooden chopstick hurled from 400 feet away, the closest distance Lu Bu was allowed to stand from The Dong when holding a foreign object. Mega-horse "Silly Wed Wabbit" wins third consecutive China Derby. Liu Bei trades three top generals for the first pick of the military draft and selects reclusive hermaphrodite Zhuge Liang to serve as his strategist for a salary of 6 pints of Red Bull and a $3.25 signing bonus (both very lucrative at the time). Lu Bu grows tired of killing pansies so he leaves Earth to find and fight the only person in the universe capable of rivaling his strength - Bruce Lee. Cocoa then takes advantage of Lu Bu's sudden disappearance and claims that he killed Lu Bu, then proceeds to bask in the glory before a meteorite thrown down by a pissed Lu Bu lands on him, making his headache even worse. Various shit happens.
Coo Coo Beats Off and Gains Vast Expanse of Territory
In the Year of the Woolly Mammoth, wealthy oil tycoon Yuan Shao was at the height of his power, ruling over a long stretch of northern provinces which dwarfed the combined mass of territory held by any other warlord. However, one day Cao Corn beat off and it all became his. Calico then became the most powerful warlord in the land.
The Battle of Chibi
In the year of the Fuzzy Bunny, Cocao Puff threatened Sun Quan that he would send an army of "unprecedented burliness" down to his southern provinces to purge China of the Sun Clan and their rampant inbreeding. Himself a silent proponent of inbreeding, Liu Bei sent rising star of the war strategy world (and hermaphrodite), Zhuge Liang to aid the genetically inferior Sun Clan. In an elaborate strategy involving time travel and 500 donkeycart-loads of cigarettes, Zhuge Liang and Zhou You, captain of the Sun Clan's navy, devised a plan by which Lil' Cow Wow's soldiers would have their growth stunted in their childhood, significantly decreasing their stature by the time Cowabunga launched his attack on Sun Quan. The strategy was a success, and Cucca's 3 foot 5 inch tall soldiers were annihilated by Liu Bei and Sun Quan's allied forces, whose men were the full grown Chinese height of approximately 4 feet and 7 inches. Adding insult to injury, veteran Sun Clan general Huang Gai invented the flamethrower and frigging torched all of Cucamonga's little boats.
As Cucumber's men writhed in agony and charred to death amidst the sea of flames, Zhou Yu had the quote "Hot enough for ya?" painted in red on a cliff overlooking the site of the battle, which would later inspire countless obnoxious one-liners in Hollywood films featuring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis.
The Actual Three Kingdoms
As Zhou Yu and his men celebrated their victory with mass beer bonging and unprotected man-sex, Liu Bei went to his two powerful cousins to ask for the land they owned. When they refused, Liu Bei released a (doctored) photo to the media that showed the two having a three-way with a Filipina hooker. Amidst the scandal that followed, Liu Bei was able to take control of their land as well as the rest of western China. At last, the land was finally split into the three kingdoms that the title so enticingly refers to.
And then, the ROMANCE!
Nah, this never really happens. Pretty misleading title, actually.
AHEM! Getting back on track...
In the year of the Fat Platypus, Sun Quan surprises everyone and actually does something. Tired of his sister always complaining about having to live in a hole in the ground, Sun Quan decides to build her a house in the trendy Jing province. However, this was complicated by the fact that Liu Bei's drinking buddy Guan Yu owned Jing and had in place a strict No Bitches policy. Sun Quan then decides to take it by force and orders his general Lu Meng to kill Liu Bei's best bud. In a highly convoluted plan involving ice cream and Skittles, Lu Meng tricks Guan Yu's men into following an ice cream truck into Inner Mongolia. He then quickly builds a sizable wall to keep them from coming back in. Lastly, Lu Meng sends Guan Yu a king-size bag of poisoned Skittles, which Guan Yu eagerly devours without question, and then drops dead. The mission was a great success for the Sun Clan, until Guan Yu (who was now a ghost) made Lu Meng's head explode and used his body to punch Sun Quan in the crotch, instantly making him sterile. To add insult to injury (or rather, injury to injury), the now pissed-off Liu Bei sent an army of 70 million soldiers into Wu, found every man with the word Sun in their name, and cut their balls off. Being a primarily inbred territory, this reduced the fertile male population of Wu to roughly a baker’s dozen.
Zhuge Gets His Groove Back
The period of persistent civil war ravaged on, and famine became epidemic. As Chinese policy for starvation tended to lean toward “woman and children first”, the female population was now decimated, leaving the remaining men to their own resources. Taking advantage of this new trend, successor to the recently croaked Liu Bei, Zhuge Liang, proliferated a new method of warfare that more reflected the tastes of the modern male populace – a Fashion War. Vastly outnumbered in troops, Zhuge popularized competitive fashion modeling competitions participated in by team representatives to replace the passé stabbing of each other in the gut with spears. Being fabulous by nature, Zhuge would clean up at most competitions, much to the chagrin of bitter rival and head fruitcake of the northern Wei Kingdom, Sima Yi. Sima Yi would be bested at every turn by Zhuge, who purposely wore the same outfit as Sima at the latter’s birthday bashes, and staged what is historically considered the first ever Pride March by sending his hottest, most flamboyant men prancing into Sima’s territory in the infamous Hot Northern Campaign Spectacular. In the end, Sima would outlive Zhuge, who died of AIDS. However, the battle would ultimately be won by Zhuge, whose deathbed instructions to his men were to erect a life-size mannequin of him wearing Luis Vuiton’s new Autumn ensemble (which was not even yet revealed to the public) and to reveal it to Sima from a distance. Mortified by this sight of what he thought to be a live and unspeakably chic Zhuge, Sima retreated to his chambers and died of envy.
The Conclusion to the Three Kingdoms Era
Historians have yet to discover how this period of war and heroism ended, or determine who could be considered the winner of it. However, out of pure fear of him coming back to life and possibly killing his entire family with one swipe of his halberd, one prominent scholar has offered Lu Bu as the honorary Grand Champion of the Three Kingdoms Era.