Roman Empire

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{{about|the original Roman Empire|the New Adventures of the Roman Empire|Byzantine Empire|the 800AD re-imagining of the Roman Empire|Holy Roman Empire}}
 
 
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|+ style="margin-left: inherit; font-size: medium;" | '''Imperium Romanum'''<br>'''Roman Empire'''<br>'''Romulan Empire'''
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|+ style="margin-left: inherit; font-size: medium;" | '''Imperium Romanum'''
 
|-
 
|-
 
| align=center colspan="2" |
 
| align=center colspan="2" |
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| style="font-size:95%" colspan="2" | [[Anthem]]: "Gaul Along The Watchtower"
 
| style="font-size:95%" colspan="2" | [[Anthem]]: "Gaul Along The Watchtower"
 
|- align=center
 
|- align=center
| colspan="2" style="background:#ffffff;" |[[Image:Romulan-empire.jpg|thumb|275px|The Roman Empire at the time of its greatest extent. Notice the seven volcanoes just outside of the Neutral Zone.]]
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| colspan="2" style="background:#ffffff;" |[[Image:Romulan-empire.jpg|275px]]<br>The Roman Empire at the time of its greatest extent. Notice the seven volcanoes just outside of the Neutral Zone.
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
| '''[[Capital]]'''
 
| '''[[Capital]]'''
| [[Rome]] (later Ravenna and [[Constantinople]])
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| [[Rome]]
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
| '''Largest&nbsp;city'''
 
| '''Largest&nbsp;city'''
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|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
| '''Official&nbsp;languages'''
 
| '''Official&nbsp;languages'''
| [[Latin]], The language of love
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| [[Latin]]
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
| '''Government'''
 
| '''Government'''
| Democracy, later Monarchical Republic
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| Republic, Dictator from 46 BC-476 AD
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
| '''[[Roman Emperor|Emperor]]'''
 
| '''[[Roman Emperor|Emperor]]'''
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|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
| '''Legislative body'''
 
| '''Legislative body'''
| Romulan [[Senate]]
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| Senate
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
| '''National Heroes'''
 
| '''National Heroes'''
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|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
| '''Area'''
 
| '''Area'''
| 86 million cubic light years (+/- 5 meters<sup>3</sup>)
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| 1.5 million square miles (+/- 5 meters<sup>3</sup>)
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
| '''Population'''
 
| '''Population'''
|
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| 60 million (Estimated)<br />
Emperors: 0 to 4<br />
 
Senators: 100<br />
 
Patricians: 435<br />
 
Plebes: 5,200,004<br />
 
Dweebs: 317,937,315<br />
 
Nerds: 16<br />
 
MC's: 3<br />
 
[[Black people]]: 1 (token)<br />
 
DJ's: 1<br />
 
Crapers: 1<br />
 
Dumpasses: 200,000,000<br />
 
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
| '''National bird, the penis eagle'''
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| '''National Bird'''
 
| Two-headed mutant eagle
 
| Two-headed mutant eagle
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
| '''National religion, cockanese'''
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| '''National religion'''
 
| [[Pagan]]ism; later Christianity
 
| [[Pagan]]ism; later Christianity
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
|}
 
|}
The '''Roman Empire''' was once the most seriously bad ass states in history. They were civilised in that they liked building things and developing indoor plumbing for those who could afford it. The Romans were also incredibly cruel, killing people in the name of entertainment and crime control.
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The '''Roman Empire''' was the most powerful and technologically advanced empire in the classical ages. After founding the republic in 500 BC and until the fall of the empire in 476 AD, they went on to become masters of nearly all of Europe. "Western" culture claims its roots in the combined "Greco-Roman" culture.
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Rome was the glory and light of Europe, having built the most magnificent structures, temples and buildings. Romans invented concrete and the government ideology that democratic processes are used to elect the people who control the empire or country at question.
Rome was the only glory and light of the world, having built the most magnificent structures, temples and buildings on the massive scale. Romans invented concrete and the government ideology that democratic processes are used to elect the people who control the empire or country at question. Without the Roman Empire, the world would be an utterly boring place to live today. 100.9% of Italians are known to contain the same blood as the Romans did during the time of Jesus.<ref>Calculations done by the same organisation that determines that the number of people who watch World Cup soccer is higher than the population of the world.</ref> Only the Roman empire is more fucked up than [[Japan]].
 
   
 
==How Rome was built (in a day) by the Romans==
 
==How Rome was built (in a day) by the Romans==
 
:''For a totally biased opposing view on how Rome was built by the Romans, see [[Rome#Ancient Rome|Ancient Rome]].''
 
:''For a totally biased opposing view on how Rome was built by the Romans, see [[Rome#Ancient Rome|Ancient Rome]].''
   
There were these ancient Romans wandering around in [[Italy]], I think, or was it [[Australia]]? Who cares, it was ancient times and they didn't have anything better to do, so they built a great big [[city]] atop seven [[volcano]]es or [[something]] like that and named it "Rome"(a shorter version of the word Roman). The entire construction process took place during the night and took a total of 9 hours and 45 minutes (with a 15-minute lunch break) - hence the saying "Rome wasn't built in a day." However, little is known on how the great volcanoes once blew their tops and made the city rise up into the heavens and come down again. It was said to be set off by a man named Fartolemu, after eating many beans. This created the popular tea time quote of "Beans, beans, the more you eat the more you fart." Only after the great heart wrenching was the line, "beans, beans, good for your heart" falsely included.
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The Roman Empire took it's name from the city of Rome. It was said it's site was chosen by Romulus, the wolf brought up son of the god [[Mars]] and Princess Bar of Alba Longo. Bar's father Confectionarius disowned paternity of Romulus and his jazzier twin brother Remus and sent the boys to a Lupine adoption agency. The boys eventually returned home some years later with their four legged friends and tore Confectionarius apart.
   
The birth of the Roman Empire was started by 151 leaders. Alexia Gay, Truabia Abnormal, Goldust Having-Erection and Motheir Fuckair are just a few and are the only ones mentioned in this. As the growing threat from Syracuse increased, these 4 leaders devised a new plan to unite their people together under one common banner. But they would need to built a fortified town first that could shelter them from hostile invaders. Therefore, they went to the nearby quarry and shouted "Fuck you Syracuse, we, the people of Itaromaly will have our vengeance!" And so, the ground shook and boulders of rocks began to tumble down from the mountain tops. Those boulders assembled to form a gigantic wall, around 3 meters high. So those four leaders lead their people to settle within these great walls. As time passes, the settlement had also flourished. Gold coins poured into their treasury. And so they named this city Rome, capital of the seven hills. The four leaders soon fought amongst each other over the control of power. In the end, all four of them died, but who cares they were noobs!! And so a new leader was elected, Mario Burosu. Mario told great lies, saying that the Syracusians murdered their great four leaders, including the founding father of Rome, and that we must avenge their death. So Mario amassed a huge infantry and besieged the bloody town of Syracuse. Mario died during the siege, but his successor Coweatshit Barca managed to break through the Syracusians defense and raze the city to the ground.
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Deciding they needed a new start, Romulus and Remus looked elsewhere to set up shop in Italy. They chose the site of Seven Hills for Seven Valleys and called it [[Oregon]]. Remus objected and was killed for dissent. Romulus's companions agreed to call the new city Romulusville until it was shortened to Rome. This was supposed to have happened in 753 BC from which the Romans then based their calendar. Rome was then ruled by a series of kings until the last one Tarquin Finbintin-Super-Dufurus was deposed in 509. Those Romans with clean togas declared their city a Republic and rewarded themselves with sinecures, young secretaries and pork barrels.
   
==The Legions==
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==The Republic Expands==
The Legion was divided into three lines: Hastatii, Principes and Trarii. The only legionary to have a book written about himself, even though not of officer class was Asterix the Legionary.
 
   
==The First Rulers==
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Roman historians like Livy claimed that Rome and its people were quite happy to stay at home and watch gladiator games but it was their jealous neighbours that forced them to take action. Growth was slow for the first couple of centuries with Romans more often killing each other over status and toga length than being bothered with other people.
Like in all history, there are rulers that you can't measure with. This is true for the first rulers of Rome. First there was Sabolster the Infinite. She was the ruler who discovered infinity when she tried to talk for an infinite amount of time. She turned purple and fell into a well. Next there was Collosal the Wassel. After two years of ruling she ate five million crabby patties. She then sunk into the earth ended up in china and floated up into the sky. She is still up there and she causes solar eclipses with her body. Coincidently this is where the expression "You'll dig to china" came from. Then there was the three Vella brothers. The first two don't count but the third named Vinnie always said "Come On" pronounced "Kem En". He once said this to Red The Merciless and so Red badmintoned him to death. There was Grube the Boob who suffered the same fate as Collosal. Finally there was The Great Ernzo who once smashed a camera with his face. He looked in a mirror one day and killed himself. This became known as the first accidental suicide. There were of course good rulers like ruler Jamisis Perkisis who killed three of the most savage people in Romes history. First there Donald the Duck and his dreaded kilculater, Attila the Nun nicked named SPG and her dread armpit hair, and finally the dreaded Kasandras the viking and her dreaded army of L. Labos's
 
However there was none more horrible then the dreaded EssPeeEss who gave Perkisis a paper cut then hit him with the kilculater. After he died, EssPeeEss converted the Romans into a people of morality and good manners. They were neat and tidy and clean. The entire foundation of Rome would have foundered had BB Cough not intervened with her dreaded State Fair. She was the ruler when Caesar attacked. She was nearly defeat by the underground opperations of Augustis Sipis. What happened to him is still a mystery.
 
   
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But like a pot of purple red paint, Rome's frontiers moved north, south, earth, wind and fire. Rome's armies saw and conquered. All the time Rome was developing its constitutional set up with a Senate, A House of Plebians and two Consuls who were supposed to represent the Republic at garden parties and forum opening events. If for some reason Rome's enemies were impolite and invaded during the election timetable, a dictator would be appointed.
   
Oh, and then there was this 'Republic' thing, where the kings got bored and were like, 'You dudes rule yourselves'.
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By about 330 BC, the Romans had successfully destroyed the Cisalpine Gauls (Asterix-Italians in Lombardy) and the Etruscans. They then looked south to where the Greeks had been coming to Italy to set up their own colonies and restaurant chains. Rome also came across another rival, the city of Carthage. This eventually led to wars with the Greeks, Macedonians and Carthaginians - during which by design or accident, Rome successfully crushed them all and placed their Italian feet all around the Mediterranean Sea. Those who weren't initially conquered (like Egypt) were reduced to client kingdom status which meant essentially a long period of self abasement before formal conquest.
   
==Roman Inventions==
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One aspect of all this expansion was the growth of the Romano-Army-Slave complex where a successful politician would become a general and take a generous backhanders. Initially the republic took a very dim view of this and extolled traditional Roman values of stoicism and 'taking it on the chin'. But greed got the better of everyone with the power.
   
The Romans were the innovaters of the 1st century, and were known for inventing a large variety of things. From language to weapons to board games, it seemed the Romans were leaving the other Races behind in dust. Some typical and famous roman inventions include:
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==The Legions==
   
===The Salad===
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The sharp end of Roman expansion came via their famous legions. A legion was divided into three lines: Hastatii, or as the legion called them "the new guys". They were generally the first to get stabbed by the hordes of Gauls, Carthaginians and Celtics the standard roman legion came up against. Next in the meat grinder is the Principes. These are the men who the reeking barbarians missed on the first time though and so as a reward get to die slightly later on compered to the other poor bastards. The last line is the Trarii, they consisted of all the cretins, wealthy men who usually let the good soldiers die in their place, this attitude was highly valued and the Trarii could look forward to a large pension and long life, excluding those who traditionally got fed to lions after being made to dig the newest grand roman sewers whist being whipped by an angry mob because of their tyranny.
   
Named after their great leader, who suffered from greed of food and power, invented a meal which tasted like crap and had little energy in it. The Caesar Salad was the beginning of a new trend, where people could sacrifice the choice to eat very tasty but unhealthy food and die young, or eat healthy stuff with no taste or energy and live to a very old (but rather boring) age. Mcdonalds borrowed Caesar's great innovation and deep fried salads, which happened to still be enough for the Health department, who granted it a tick of approval for the word "Salad".
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Roman politicians were adept at career switching between life on wheeler-dealing to leading the armies of the republic against enemies (real ones or imagined). Generals like [[Pompey]] and [[Julius Caesar]] happily switched between the two. It could make you very wealthy if you were careful not to 'flash the cash' too easily.
   
===The Square Shield===
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==Republic to an Empire==
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[[File:Romans001.jpg|thumb|right|200px|Get off your couch and join The Romans.]]
   
Back in 900BC, the roman troops had round shields like most normal people back in those times, yet as pizza was becoming more and more delicious, and newer and tastless food nobody likes (called salads) were invented, there was a record number of 29 cases of a soldier suffering from teeth and jaw pain after taking a bite out of a shield thinking that it was a mozerrella pizza. This lead to the production of square shields so that the soldiers weren't fighting with shields with bite holes in them, while cursing at their mate who just "Bit a hole into my protector!"
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By the last century B.C., the Roman Republic had run out of 'civilised' opponents to obliterate so those who ran it started upon each other gold and glory. Rival generals [[Marius]] and [[Sulla]] took turns to take de facto full control. They were called dictators rather than emperors but amounted to the same thing. In the end a certain Roman with a long nose and bad haircut come out on top. He was called [[Julius Caesar]].
   
===The Short Sword===
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Caesar defeated his last opponent Pompey and then got into literal bed with Queen [[Cleopatra]] of Egypt. He liked that power, no more messy compromises with wicked Romans who couldn't keep their oaths or promises. Caesar became a Rome's first [[Mussolini]], a strutting dictator and believed he was impossible until pushed down the Senate's stairs and knifed by his former friend [[Brutus]].
   
The Romans suffered from poor mentality and confidence when their sword was bigger than their own dick, so to make themselves feel better, they carried short swords (or Gladius Stabbers) which were the same size as their actual penis's. The average length of these swords would normally be 2 inches (5cm) in most situations, and about 8 inches (20cm)while they were watching the emperor's wife give an "inspirational" speech to the troops before the battle. There were some cases of the emperors modelling swords of 20 inches, before authorities measured him up with a ruler (Such as Augustus) who then would tell them that his dick was not as big as his sword, so they would confiscate the weapon and keep it locked in a safe place for their own use (and bragging rights).
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Though Caesar was dead, many others wanted to follow his example. In fact you had to be a 'caesar' to become a 'Caesar' - an opportunity [[Augustus|Octavian Caesar]] chose. He in turn took total power eventually but decided to be called [[Roman Emperor]] rather than dictator as he was concerned that everyone would just call him 'Dic' for short. So was born the Roman Empire.
   
===The Roman Candle===
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==Julio-Claudians==
   
As the Roman Empire reached it's peak, Rome was crammed with food from all over the known world. Many Romans became fat due to this large increase in food and one day the sun was blocked by their fat arse's. To combat this, Malasian dwarfs were drafted in to rescue the city. However the dwarfs were currently engaged in an arduous battle with the noodle peoples, aided by their close allies, the Netto shelf stackers, and had to be bribed away from this war using stilton cheese and cheap, freshly shaven hookers. After many months debating on how to solve the problem (and tiffin with the hookers) the dwarves invented the Roman Candle. To be honest, it was just a normal candle but with a different name. The light from these candles saved the city and allowed more time for tiffin.
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Augustus (as the rebadged Octavian was called) had a contradictory view that he had 'restored' the Roman Republic but that ultimate authority ought to be exercised by him and his family. A bit like [[North Korea]] with their Kim Dynasty. Augustus and his second wife Livia were unable to do this as they remained childless. However Augustus had a daughter Julia from her previous marriage and Livia had two sons from her first spouse - [[Tiberius]] and Drusus. Add in the family (adopted or otherwise) of Augustus's sister Octavia, there were plenty of Julio-Claudians to invite over for the Saturnalia Orgy at Christmas.
   
==Caesar gets greedy==
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Though Augustus had beaten his rivals, the frontiers of the Roman Empire were not safe. An attempt to bring togas and wine to the German barbarians across the Rhine and Danube frontiers failed when [[Herman the German]] wiped out three legions in 9 AD and the Parthians remained a regular enemy ready to 'stir it up' to cause issues.
So anyhow, these ancient Romans in Rome, after 700-odd years of deliberating, decided to pick an [[Roman Emperor|emperor]] so they could have an empire already. Well the first rulers of the area were dumbasses. There was [[Julius Caesar]], but he doesn't really count because he wasn't really an emperor, but was, in fact, a [[dictator]] because he crossed the Rubicon when [[nobody]] was looking to play some dice, and the citizens of Rome were really pissed off about that saying, "Who the [[heck]] does Caesar think he is, dictator or something?" He had [[epilepsy]], on the other hand. He is best remembered for his delicious salad and for the famous saying ''I saw, I conquered, and I came.'' Although less remembered by historians today, since the texts were partially lost under some big fire or something. It was promptly cut off to ''I came''.
 
   
Caesar then invaded all of Gaul and killed 4 billion Gauls all by himself and all 100 of his Centurions killed another 6 billion Gauls and enslaved 5 billion other Gauls, but the rest of them (at least 3 zillion Gauls) were hiding in a big [[tree]] and eventually grew within the tree. Caesar then returned home to Rome, being extra careful not to cross the Rubicon this time, because he had already crossed it once already, as historical records will attest. Caesar then proceeded to annoy [[everybody]] in Rome about how amazingly [[l33t]] he was, so a bunch of annoyed Romans held a big [[conspiracy theory]] in a toilet behind a theatre, and they decided right then and there to kill Caesar after pledging eternal allegiance at each other. After those odd rulers the imfamouse Mellon came to rule. Mellon was known for his ability to suck a cock from 40 miles away. He thought he was a great ruler but he was only good at sucking cock and taking it up the butt. His most famouse saying was "Give me cock and ill suck it, Give me cock and ill take it, but give me pussie and ill run away".
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==Tiberius==
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Then there was [[Tiberius]], a bitter old [[man]] who liked to listen to [[Michael Jackson|Michaelus Jacksonus]], molest little boys, and swim in his private pool with some little boys he liked to call "my little fishies." He went abroad in search of his long lost [[children]], who were stolen in infancy by [[pirate]]s. However, he got tired of searching, so he retired to Crete and left his number one hired goon Sejanus in charge of Rome. Bad move.
=="Caesar" is hard to spell properly==
 
Also notice that the contributors to this most [[excellent]] article know how to spell "Caesar" properly, unlike many an ignorant clod being churned out by today's defective education system, which comes only after years of hard study in [[college]], where you have to know how to spell "Caesar". Unless, of course, you're one of those pedants who insists on using the [[ligature|fancy a-and-e-joined-together-thingy]], in which case [[HowTo:Get a life you mother fucker|get a life you mother fucker]]. Okay, where was I?
 
 
==The Triumvirate is born==
 
Now, these Roman guys were so upset that they paid [[hired goon]]s to shoot Caesar, and his last words were "''Et tu, Brute?''", which is [[Italian]] (or maybe [[Latin]]) for "Idiots, I told you like 5 times already that I didn't want [[mayonnaise]] on my salad. Now, make it again! Oh [[crap]], I believe I've just been shot through the [[lungs]] like, say, 47 times, or something". Instead of using the accustive third person singular, he made the grandiose mistake of using the [[laxative]] case, which also made him prone to diarrhea.
 
{{Turkey history}}
 
Soon after Caesar realized that these were, in fact, his last words, he died already, which was vaguely appropriate, seeing as he was still wondering if he should have used the [[accusative]] case or [[laxative]] case. So then Caesar's former associates [[Edward Elric|Cassius the Drama Queen]] (who was so small he couldn't be seen by the naked eye); [[Brutus]] the Pontifex Maximus of the [[Inuyasha|GerManicus]] fandom; [[Mark Antony]]; and King [[Cleopatra]] who was actually a man with an eye patch; formed what is known as a "Triumvirate", which is not a declension and means "Rule by four power-hungry [[iguana]]s". Unfortunately, my Latin (or [[Greek]]) isn't so good (despite my impressive college education), so I don't know if iguanas have anything to do with this.
 
 
And then these four Triumvirates had a really big argument, and it got so bad that they all killed each other.
 
 
==Augustus confuses the hell out of everybody==
 
Then, when nobody was looking, this guy called Octavian declared himself Emperor, but this was okay by the ancient Romans because, unlike Julius Caesar, Octavian changed his name to [[Augustus]], which confused the heck out of [[everybody]]. Augustus then tried to invade [[France]], or maybe it was [[Spain]], or perhaps nothing, since neither of those countries actually existed way back then. They were both called Gaul, which was divided into three parts at the time for some reason, but nobody knows what the third part was supposed to be because France and Spain are already accounted for (but my personal [[theory]] is that the third part eventually became [[Luxembourg]]). Augustus remained in power for about a billion years and then [[death|died]] from [[Ebola]] and got a whole [[month]] named after him.
 
 
==How James T. Kirk got his middle name==
 
Then there was [[Tiberius]], a bitter old [[man]] who liked to listen to [[Michael Jackson|Michaelus Jacksonus]], molest little boys, and swim in his private pool with some little boys he liked to call "my little fishies." He went abroad in search of his long lost [[children]], who were stolen in infancy by [[pirate]]s. However, he got tired of searching, so he retired to Crete and left his number one hired goon Sejanus in charge of Rome. Bad move.
 
 
===Sejanus, who wasn't really an Emperor===
 
Sejanus was quickly dispatched or something, just like Julius Caesar, because he went mad after stumbling upon Al Gore giving a rant about global warming. The drone of Gore's voice caused the brain circuits in Sejanus' head to warm on a global scale, thus causing him to become a blood-sucking liberal terrorist, so George Bush nuked him. (Actually, they just pushed Sejanus down the steps.)
 
 
===Tiberius gets a brilliant idea===
 
So, Tiberius adopted his semi-grandnephew Caligula, which is Latin (or Italian) for "murderously insane inhuman [[monster]] wearing [[cute]] little [[boots|booties]]". So it was safe for Tiberius to die already, having left Rome in good hands. But not before reaping his "little fishies".
 
   
 
==Caligula goes overboard==
 
==Caligula goes overboard==
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==Nerva takes charge==
 
==Nerva takes charge==
[[image:Nerva1.jpg|right|thumb|80px|Who's this old guy?]]
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[[image:Nerva1.jpg|right|thumb|180px|Who's this old guy?]]
Domitian was replaced by a doddery old man called [[Nerva]] who got his name because he had a nerve! Nerva was too old to do very much but what he did do pissed off the Praetorian Guard who promptly stormed his palace and told the emperor to his face that, by Jupiter, he had a nerve! Nerva didn't care but he did adopt a well-oiled and muscly man called [[Trajan]] to be his heir which pleased the Praetorian guard because they were all [[gay]] like most soldiers of the period. Thanks to the popularity of Trajan's tight buns Nerva was allowed to finish his reign in peace, eventually dying of being old in [[98]]AD. After his death Trajan accepted the imperial power from the senate and agreed with them that his predecessor should be declared a god. This lead to the voice of the gods booming into the senate chamber to tell the senators that they had a nerve! This is thought to be the only time the gods make a joke in the senate chamber.
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Domitian was replaced by a doddery old man called [[Nerva]] who got his name because he had a nerve! Nerva was too old to do very much but what he did do pissed off the Praetorian Guard who promptly stormed his palace and told the emperor to his face that, by Jupiter, he had a nerve! Nerva didn't care but he did adopt a well-oiled and muscly man called [[Trajan]] to be his heir which pleased the Praetorian guard because they were all [[gay]] like most soldiers of the period. Thanks to the popularity of Trajan's tight buns Nerva was allowed to finish his reign in peace, eventually dying of being old in 98 AD. After his death Trajan accepted the imperial power from the senate and agreed with them that his predecessor should be declared a god. This lead to the voice of the gods booming into the senate chamber to tell the senators that they had a nerve! This is thought to be the only time the gods make a joke in the senate chamber.
   
 
==Trajan sorts it out: the adoptive emperors==
 
==Trajan sorts it out: the adoptive emperors==
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==A Transsexual Teenager Becomes Emperor of Rome==
 
==A Transsexual Teenager Becomes Emperor of Rome==
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[[File:J-Bieb.jpg|thumb|left|200px|Elagabalus:Before the tattoos.]]
 
One gender-confused individual from Syria called [[Elagabalus]] who was in his/her hormone-soaked adolescence wound up, for some reason, becoming Emperor of Rome. (The process of determining the next emperor usually consisted of contacting the last emperor when drunk and bonking him on the head to see what he says next, which is how this happened at all.) Elagabalus then proceeded to throw wild night parties in the Imperial Palace and ignore his/her mom. Meanwhile, he/she had sex with a lot of women and gay men and asked for a vagina. Really. In addition, Elagabalus worshipped a rock, and he decided that it was a good idea to make Romans worship that rock, too. Being polytheistic idolators, Romans normally wouldn't have a problem with this, but the rock thing was a bit on the nutty side even for them. So the Romans got a caveman to bonk him over the head so they could have someone who was less of a party dude as an emperor.
 
One gender-confused individual from Syria called [[Elagabalus]] who was in his/her hormone-soaked adolescence wound up, for some reason, becoming Emperor of Rome. (The process of determining the next emperor usually consisted of contacting the last emperor when drunk and bonking him on the head to see what he says next, which is how this happened at all.) Elagabalus then proceeded to throw wild night parties in the Imperial Palace and ignore his/her mom. Meanwhile, he/she had sex with a lot of women and gay men and asked for a vagina. Really. In addition, Elagabalus worshipped a rock, and he decided that it was a good idea to make Romans worship that rock, too. Being polytheistic idolators, Romans normally wouldn't have a problem with this, but the rock thing was a bit on the nutty side even for them. So the Romans got a caveman to bonk him over the head so they could have someone who was less of a party dude as an emperor.
   
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[[Image:John-Hunter-three-stooges-toga.jpg|right|thumb|250px|Roman Senators around the time of the collapse of the West, not giving a shit because they're going to get some barbarian [[sex|poon-tang]].]]
 
[[Image:John-Hunter-three-stooges-toga.jpg|right|thumb|250px|Roman Senators around the time of the collapse of the West, not giving a shit because they're going to get some barbarian [[sex|poon-tang]].]]
 
One day the Roman Empire began to decline. The Emperor [[Diocletian]], divided it up into four pieces which he handed over to four of his best friends called "The Terarchy" and promptly retired to grow cabbages. This weakened the state even further and when the Tetrarchy paid Diocletian a visit to ask how to stop fighting each other he told them to go away because he was minding his cabbages. And then there were a lot more civil wars. And famine. And disease. And Christians. And [[Attila the Hun]] who got his ass kicked by Flavius Aetius . And tax lawyers. And general WTH-ness running chaos throughout the empire. And the Romans forgot how to conjugate their Latin verbs properly, which annoyed their seventh-period teachers.
 
One day the Roman Empire began to decline. The Emperor [[Diocletian]], divided it up into four pieces which he handed over to four of his best friends called "The Terarchy" and promptly retired to grow cabbages. This weakened the state even further and when the Tetrarchy paid Diocletian a visit to ask how to stop fighting each other he told them to go away because he was minding his cabbages. And then there were a lot more civil wars. And famine. And disease. And Christians. And [[Attila the Hun]] who got his ass kicked by Flavius Aetius . And tax lawyers. And general WTH-ness running chaos throughout the empire. And the Romans forgot how to conjugate their Latin verbs properly, which annoyed their seventh-period teachers.
 
===Chapter 2: The Next Chapter===
 
This is one of the darkest chapters of the Fall of the Roman Empire, literally as there was no moon that night and the power was out for several hours. All the Romans ran around like crazy and screamed, "We've fallen, we've fallen, we've fallen to [[Goths|barbarians]]! Except for the Greek eastern part of the Empire!"
 
 
===Chapter 3: The Byzantine Empire strikes back===
 
So like, there was this guy named Justinian. And he had a [[your mom|hot mama]] of a wife. They rigged some races, and almost got killed, but they were alright. So then, the Persians came and said, "Hey." Then the Muslims came and were like, "Woah." Then the Christian [[Crusade]]rs came and said, "Man." But then the Muslims said, "Nuh uh." Then someone forgot to lock a door.
 
 
''For a fuller explanation, see [[Byzantine Empire]].''
 
   
 
===Another theory===
 
===Another theory===
Line 155: Line 148:
   
 
==The accomplishments of the Roman empire==
 
==The accomplishments of the Roman empire==
  +
[[File:20081103leo.jpg|thumb|right|200px|[[Attila the Hun]] and Pope Leo agree to meet at a later date. This time Leo will be paying.]]
 
The Roman empire was quite famous for its relatively advanced technology, most of which may have originated in [[Greece]], which the Romans conquered. They then promptly started telling everyone "Oh, this here piece of artwork?... oh, um, that's mine. Yep, I made it all myself. Yep, of course, those Greeks will tell you differently, but who are you going to listen to?". The Romans were also attributed with the creation of the legion, which is, entirely by coincidence, very much like the Greek [[phalanx]]. Their one achievement not linked with the Greeks was the innovative idea of having blithering maniacs rule the country. This was later expanded upon by the medieval [[Europeans]], who began a program of systematically inbreeding their royalty. This great idea lead to many modern-day benefits, such as hemophilia and frequent insanity.
 
The Roman empire was quite famous for its relatively advanced technology, most of which may have originated in [[Greece]], which the Romans conquered. They then promptly started telling everyone "Oh, this here piece of artwork?... oh, um, that's mine. Yep, I made it all myself. Yep, of course, those Greeks will tell you differently, but who are you going to listen to?". The Romans were also attributed with the creation of the legion, which is, entirely by coincidence, very much like the Greek [[phalanx]]. Their one achievement not linked with the Greeks was the innovative idea of having blithering maniacs rule the country. This was later expanded upon by the medieval [[Europeans]], who began a program of systematically inbreeding their royalty. This great idea lead to many modern-day benefits, such as hemophilia and frequent insanity.
   
Line 164: Line 158:
 
*[[Claudius]]
 
*[[Claudius]]
 
*[[Nero]]
 
*[[Nero]]
  +
*[[Trajan]]
 
*[[Hadrian]]
 
*[[Hadrian]]
 
*[[Commodus]]
 
*[[Commodus]]
 
*[[Constantine]]
 
*[[Constantine]]
*[[Benedict XVI]]
+
*[[Theosidius]]
*[[Emperor Palpatine]]
+
*
*[[Charlemagne]]
 
 
   
 
== Fall of the Empire ==
 
== Fall of the Empire ==
Line 185: Line 180:
 
*[[Cicero]]
 
*[[Cicero]]
 
*[[Brutus]]
 
*[[Brutus]]
*[[Biggus Dickus]]
 
*[[John McCain|Maccanius]]
 
   
 
==See also==
 
==See also==
 
*[[The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]]
 
*[[The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]]
*[[Woman Empire]]
 
*[[De Bello Gallico]]
 
 
*[[Fall Of The Roman Empire (video game)|This event in history also happens to be in video game form]]
 
*[[Fall Of The Roman Empire (video game)|This event in history also happens to be in video game form]]
 
{{Civilization}}
 
{{Civilization}}
 
{{RomanEmperors}}
 
{{RomanEmperors}}
+
{{romans}}
   
 
==References==
 
==References==

Latest revision as of 13:53, January 24, 2016

Imperium Romanum
Spqr Stfure
(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
Motto: Homo sapiens non urinat in ventum.
Anthem: "Gaul Along The Watchtower"
Romulan-empire
The Roman Empire at the time of its greatest extent. Notice the seven volcanoes just outside of the Neutral Zone.
Capital Rome
Largest city Rome or Alexandria
Official languages Latin
Government Republic, Dictator from 46 BC-476 AD
Emperor Imperator Caesar Anyone Pius Felix Augustus
Legislative body Senate
National Heroes Romulus, Remus, Crassus, Crapus, Gaius Julius Cæsar, iClaudius, Homo Sexualis, Caligula, Spartacus, Don Corleone, Johnius Stamosius, Liksalotapus, Attila the Hun.
Currency Large blocks of salt and the original Euro
Area 1.5 million square miles (+/- 5 meters3)
Population 60 million (Estimated)
National Bird Two-headed mutant eagle
National religion Paganism; later Christianity

The Roman Empire was the most powerful and technologically advanced empire in the classical ages. After founding the republic in 500 BC and until the fall of the empire in 476 AD, they went on to become masters of nearly all of Europe. "Western" culture claims its roots in the combined "Greco-Roman" culture. Rome was the glory and light of Europe, having built the most magnificent structures, temples and buildings. Romans invented concrete and the government ideology that democratic processes are used to elect the people who control the empire or country at question.

edit How Rome was built (in a day) by the Romans

For a totally biased opposing view on how Rome was built by the Romans, see Ancient Rome.

The Roman Empire took it's name from the city of Rome. It was said it's site was chosen by Romulus, the wolf brought up son of the god Mars and Princess Bar of Alba Longo. Bar's father Confectionarius disowned paternity of Romulus and his jazzier twin brother Remus and sent the boys to a Lupine adoption agency. The boys eventually returned home some years later with their four legged friends and tore Confectionarius apart.

Deciding they needed a new start, Romulus and Remus looked elsewhere to set up shop in Italy. They chose the site of Seven Hills for Seven Valleys and called it Oregon. Remus objected and was killed for dissent. Romulus's companions agreed to call the new city Romulusville until it was shortened to Rome. This was supposed to have happened in 753 BC from which the Romans then based their calendar. Rome was then ruled by a series of kings until the last one Tarquin Finbintin-Super-Dufurus was deposed in 509. Those Romans with clean togas declared their city a Republic and rewarded themselves with sinecures, young secretaries and pork barrels.

edit The Republic Expands

Roman historians like Livy claimed that Rome and its people were quite happy to stay at home and watch gladiator games but it was their jealous neighbours that forced them to take action. Growth was slow for the first couple of centuries with Romans more often killing each other over status and toga length than being bothered with other people.

But like a pot of purple red paint, Rome's frontiers moved north, south, earth, wind and fire. Rome's armies saw and conquered. All the time Rome was developing its constitutional set up with a Senate, A House of Plebians and two Consuls who were supposed to represent the Republic at garden parties and forum opening events. If for some reason Rome's enemies were impolite and invaded during the election timetable, a dictator would be appointed.

By about 330 BC, the Romans had successfully destroyed the Cisalpine Gauls (Asterix-Italians in Lombardy) and the Etruscans. They then looked south to where the Greeks had been coming to Italy to set up their own colonies and restaurant chains. Rome also came across another rival, the city of Carthage. This eventually led to wars with the Greeks, Macedonians and Carthaginians - during which by design or accident, Rome successfully crushed them all and placed their Italian feet all around the Mediterranean Sea. Those who weren't initially conquered (like Egypt) were reduced to client kingdom status which meant essentially a long period of self abasement before formal conquest.

One aspect of all this expansion was the growth of the Romano-Army-Slave complex where a successful politician would become a general and take a generous backhanders. Initially the republic took a very dim view of this and extolled traditional Roman values of stoicism and 'taking it on the chin'. But greed got the better of everyone with the power.

edit The Legions

The sharp end of Roman expansion came via their famous legions. A legion was divided into three lines: Hastatii, or as the legion called them "the new guys". They were generally the first to get stabbed by the hordes of Gauls, Carthaginians and Celtics the standard roman legion came up against. Next in the meat grinder is the Principes. These are the men who the reeking barbarians missed on the first time though and so as a reward get to die slightly later on compered to the other poor bastards. The last line is the Trarii, they consisted of all the cretins, wealthy men who usually let the good soldiers die in their place, this attitude was highly valued and the Trarii could look forward to a large pension and long life, excluding those who traditionally got fed to lions after being made to dig the newest grand roman sewers whist being whipped by an angry mob because of their tyranny.

Roman politicians were adept at career switching between life on wheeler-dealing to leading the armies of the republic against enemies (real ones or imagined). Generals like Pompey and Julius Caesar happily switched between the two. It could make you very wealthy if you were careful not to 'flash the cash' too easily.

edit Republic to an Empire

Romans001

Get off your couch and join The Romans.

By the last century B.C., the Roman Republic had run out of 'civilised' opponents to obliterate so those who ran it started upon each other gold and glory. Rival generals Marius and Sulla took turns to take de facto full control. They were called dictators rather than emperors but amounted to the same thing. In the end a certain Roman with a long nose and bad haircut come out on top. He was called Julius Caesar.

Caesar defeated his last opponent Pompey and then got into literal bed with Queen Cleopatra of Egypt. He liked that power, no more messy compromises with wicked Romans who couldn't keep their oaths or promises. Caesar became a Rome's first Mussolini, a strutting dictator and believed he was impossible until pushed down the Senate's stairs and knifed by his former friend Brutus.

Though Caesar was dead, many others wanted to follow his example. In fact you had to be a 'caesar' to become a 'Caesar' - an opportunity Octavian Caesar chose. He in turn took total power eventually but decided to be called Roman Emperor rather than dictator as he was concerned that everyone would just call him 'Dic' for short. So was born the Roman Empire.

edit Julio-Claudians

Augustus (as the rebadged Octavian was called) had a contradictory view that he had 'restored' the Roman Republic but that ultimate authority ought to be exercised by him and his family. A bit like North Korea with their Kim Dynasty. Augustus and his second wife Livia were unable to do this as they remained childless. However Augustus had a daughter Julia from her previous marriage and Livia had two sons from her first spouse - Tiberius and Drusus. Add in the family (adopted or otherwise) of Augustus's sister Octavia, there were plenty of Julio-Claudians to invite over for the Saturnalia Orgy at Christmas.

Though Augustus had beaten his rivals, the frontiers of the Roman Empire were not safe. An attempt to bring togas and wine to the German barbarians across the Rhine and Danube frontiers failed when Herman the German wiped out three legions in 9 AD and the Parthians remained a regular enemy ready to 'stir it up' to cause issues.

edit Tiberius

Then there was Tiberius, a bitter old man who liked to listen to Michaelus Jacksonus, molest little boys, and swim in his private pool with some little boys he liked to call "my little fishies." He went abroad in search of his long lost children, who were stolen in infancy by pirates. However, he got tired of searching, so he retired to Crete and left his number one hired goon Sejanus in charge of Rome. Bad move.

edit Caligula goes overboard

Caligula bust

WTF!!? Dude, you can't give a horse political office!

Caligula became Emperor, and everybody was like "OH SNAP!!!" because Caligula did all kinds of crazy things; like, for example, he declared himself a god; refused to honor his commitment to the Columbia House LP club after he sent in the penny taped to the postcard and got the Allman Brothers' Eat A Peach and Cheap Trick's Live At Buddokan; tried to kill his younger brother and himself; talked to statues; invaded the United Kingdom; butchered his pregnant wife; made his horse Vice Emperor; voted for George W. Bush twice; wrote the unfunny plagiarism article for Uncyclopedia; and other unbelievable stuff. He was later diagnosed with Caligula Syndrome, and thus was forced to ride the handicapped chariot (retard chariot) to the forum.

Fortunately, Caligula was eventually shot through the lungs billions and billions of times by 47 independently-acting disgruntled assassins simultaneously. What are the odds of that?

edit A return to normality

The next Emperor was some guy named Claudius Furius Horsa, who was born with a limp, hid behind a curtain because he was scared for his life, and had a speech impediment. Anyhow, he turned out to be a fine Emperor, even if he was a tad boring and was infamous for his bestiality and crossdressing, so Rome collectively breathed much easier. Then Claudius' wife suddenly decided to hate him. She fed him a poisoned shroom, so he died.

edit Caligula Lite

Nero

Nero, who never even saw a DVD

Then Nero the Antichrist became emperor in a much contested re-count that was finally settled by a notorious game of tic-tac-toe. Nero did all kinds of loony things as well, probably because he was insane and, possibly the Antichrist, though this claim is hotly debated.[1]

Nero was not quite as bad as Caligula, but he still managed make a name for himself in the competitive field of professional eeeeevil. He threw innocent lions to ravenous Christians in Are You Hungry Enough To Eat A Barbary Lion?, the first reality television show; he set fire to his costly fiddle and played a tuba while it burned; he executed every surviving member of his family and every official in his administration because he thought it was funny. It actually was kind of funny, since he'd previously promised them he'd not execute them until the end of his reign.

Then Nero executed himself as a performance art piece.

edit Year of the Four Emperors and the Flava Flavian Emperors

Having got bored of only having one Emperor, the Romans decided it'd be more fun to have four of them, but unfortunately due to a particularly serious bout of putsch (a disease particularly fatal to Emperors), only one survived to the end of the year: Vespasian. He decided it'd be a good idea to use the huge amounts of Roman cash to start on a massive building spree; so began the construction of the Colosseum, a new forum (created PHP version I.II), and Mount Vesuvius (an early Roman space pad). After ten years without much excessive killing, he died of boredom, and there was much rejoicing amongst the Romans as they hoped his son would be more interesting and bloodthirsty. Titus (hehehe TIT-us) wasn't sufficiently bloodthirsty, but a pyromaniac, causing another fire in Rome, and setting off Mt Vesuvius a few weeks too early; scuppering the Roman plans for space domination. He ruled for only two years and died after setting fire to his toga. Domitian (Latin for Domino), was the evil younger brother of Titus, and managed to finish the Colosseum, destroy the Roman economy, and marry his niece. He was completely paranoid, and decided that it was better to be paranoid with good reason than not, and so set about making enemies. He started killing people suspected of conspiracies; giving his wife, the Senate, and his bodyguards the idea of one. He was correspondingly stabbed to death by Stephanus, who only managed a paltry seven blows. This led to him being booed off the pitch by angry assassination fans, and much groaning about the corrupted institution of assassination to this day.

edit Nerva takes charge

Nerva1

Who's this old guy?

Domitian was replaced by a doddery old man called Nerva who got his name because he had a nerve! Nerva was too old to do very much but what he did do pissed off the Praetorian Guard who promptly stormed his palace and told the emperor to his face that, by Jupiter, he had a nerve! Nerva didn't care but he did adopt a well-oiled and muscly man called Trajan to be his heir which pleased the Praetorian guard because they were all gay like most soldiers of the period. Thanks to the popularity of Trajan's tight buns Nerva was allowed to finish his reign in peace, eventually dying of being old in 98 AD. After his death Trajan accepted the imperial power from the senate and agreed with them that his predecessor should be declared a god. This lead to the voice of the gods booming into the senate chamber to tell the senators that they had a nerve! This is thought to be the only time the gods make a joke in the senate chamber.

edit Trajan sorts it out: the adoptive emperors

TrajanEmp

"Trajan's gonna knock you out! Mama said knock you out!" (then shag you).

Apius6

Wild Haggis mother with family.

Not only was Trajan a fine figure of a man, he also broke with recent tradition in the empire by ruling for well over a decade and continuing Nerva's policy of choosing emperors by adoption rather than passing the most powerful office in the known world onto your insane next of kin. He was succeeded by Hadrian, another gay man who distinguished himself by having a beard and therefore being a bear. This bearded fellow is best remembered for building a wall in Britain to keep the haggis-guzzling Caledonians at bay. Hadrian adopted another big bearded man to replace him called Antoninus Pius who foolishly invaded Scotland because of his lust for haggis. Despite some success in procuring haggis, irn bru and Deep-fried Mars Bars for the Roman world the occupation was abandonded by Antoninus's bearded follow-up Marcus Aurelius. Marcus was a scholarly man who divided his time between reading philosophical works such as Reflections on That Joke the Gods Did About Nerva and fighting Germans. He co-ruled with another emperor called Lucius Verus but no one really cares about him (he had a beard which shouldn't surprise anyone). Because Marcus was a wise and learned ruler he decided that he should be succeeded by his vain, stupid and insane son Commodus. Nice one, Marcus.

edit Commodus: that emperor's a nutter!

Following his father's death and his own accession to the imperial office, Commodus returned to Rome from the German frontier and hid himself away in his palace surrounded by whores and other important officials, drinking wine and engaging in squelchy-sex. The people of Rome became sick of their overly-shy emperor and demanded he come out and play. They asked for it, the stupid cunts, he came out into the sunshine, started naming the days of the week after himself, renamed Rome as "Commodusisfuckingawesomepolis" following a small fire at a pudding shop which he argued had "destroyed the old city" and started dressing-up as Hercules and picking fights with senators in the Colosseum. This was too much for the Roman aristocracy who conspired to have him killed until dead. They crafted a plan to piss off Russell Crowe, and so have him do it. He said he liked eating grass and so licking grass was the last thing he did.

edit A Transsexual Teenager Becomes Emperor of Rome

J-Bieb

Elagabalus:Before the tattoos.

One gender-confused individual from Syria called Elagabalus who was in his/her hormone-soaked adolescence wound up, for some reason, becoming Emperor of Rome. (The process of determining the next emperor usually consisted of contacting the last emperor when drunk and bonking him on the head to see what he says next, which is how this happened at all.) Elagabalus then proceeded to throw wild night parties in the Imperial Palace and ignore his/her mom. Meanwhile, he/she had sex with a lot of women and gay men and asked for a vagina. Really. In addition, Elagabalus worshipped a rock, and he decided that it was a good idea to make Romans worship that rock, too. Being polytheistic idolators, Romans normally wouldn't have a problem with this, but the rock thing was a bit on the nutty side even for them. So the Romans got a caveman to bonk him over the head so they could have someone who was less of a party dude as an emperor.

edit Gibbon writes a bestseller

Then there was a whole bunch of other Emperors nobody really cares about; the Roman Empire fell; and some guy named Edward Gibbon wrote a book about it. The end.

edit Fall of the Roman Empire

edit Chapter 1: The End

John-Hunter-three-stooges-toga

Roman Senators around the time of the collapse of the West, not giving a shit because they're going to get some barbarian poon-tang.

One day the Roman Empire began to decline. The Emperor Diocletian, divided it up into four pieces which he handed over to four of his best friends called "The Terarchy" and promptly retired to grow cabbages. This weakened the state even further and when the Tetrarchy paid Diocletian a visit to ask how to stop fighting each other he told them to go away because he was minding his cabbages. And then there were a lot more civil wars. And famine. And disease. And Christians. And Attila the Hun who got his ass kicked by Flavius Aetius . And tax lawyers. And general WTH-ness running chaos throughout the empire. And the Romans forgot how to conjugate their Latin verbs properly, which annoyed their seventh-period teachers.

edit Another theory

Another scientific theory proclaims that the fall of the Roman Empire was due to the Roman numeral system. Without a zero, ancient Roman programmers had no way of successfully terminating their C programs. This led to massive memory leak, which caused the fall.

edit The accomplishments of the Roman empire

20081103leo

Attila the Hun and Pope Leo agree to meet at a later date. This time Leo will be paying.

The Roman empire was quite famous for its relatively advanced technology, most of which may have originated in Greece, which the Romans conquered. They then promptly started telling everyone "Oh, this here piece of artwork?... oh, um, that's mine. Yep, I made it all myself. Yep, of course, those Greeks will tell you differently, but who are you going to listen to?". The Romans were also attributed with the creation of the legion, which is, entirely by coincidence, very much like the Greek phalanx. Their one achievement not linked with the Greeks was the innovative idea of having blithering maniacs rule the country. This was later expanded upon by the medieval Europeans, who began a program of systematically inbreeding their royalty. This great idea lead to many modern-day benefits, such as hemophilia and frequent insanity.

edit Famous Roman Emperors

edit Fall of the Empire

The fall of the empire is largely as a result of their failure to invade Maghull, which Caesar labelled the town of the walking dead.

edit Famous Roman Generals

edit Famous Roman Senators

edit See also



edit References

  1. see Alan Aldas The Number of the Beast Reconsidered

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