From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
A bloke called DaViD ROM once told me that in the far future, one of his descendants would grow up to be a big-earred communist, who would spend several years working as an engineer and bartender for nothing, before one day becoming rich thanks to the retirement of the man his estranged mum would end up sleeping with.
Some say that his mum will be an unattractive naturist and a very talented stockbroker. All we know is that she hasn't been born yet, and as Rom's family has always been sexist there is little point in dwelling on her. Despite her tendency not to wear clothes, it seems she will wear the trousers in the family. Her husband, legend has it, will turn out to be a mediocre businessman. However, from what I can tell he will end up being very religious and a staunch capitalist, meaning that his wife's tendency to do his work for him will be an immense source of shame.
On the other hand, DaViD hinted that Rom's brother would be an honest, hard-working pillar of the community. His many occupations over the years will include getting his customers drunk, running dishonest gambling rings, selling conventional and biogenic weapons, being an accessory to some of the biggest smuggling and robbery operations in history, designing interactive pornography and employing younger members of his family on slave-like wages. He will spend his spare time tricking his employees into giving him sexual favours, drinking with war criminals and verbally abusing members of his family. Feeling that this person sounded too perfect to be true, I repeatedly tried to press DaViD for any details about Quark's flaws. Alas, he snapped, ruining my Playstation in the process. Fragile bastard.
Thankfully, DaViD does have several clones, and one of them told me about Rom's wives. The first - a mail-order bride - comes across as a moneygrabbing slut who couldn't keep her knickers on, gave birth to a son and then abandoned him to avoid the capitalist scourge of having to pay for childcare. The second does not sound as interesting or principled a person, although in the interests of balance I should also mention that she will have a nice rack. Which is just as well, because marrying into a family as sexist as Rom's, you are bound to be spending a lot of time adding herbs and spices to the meal you've been slaving over all day in the kitchen.
The aforementioned son, Egg Nog, will go on to be raised by Quark and Rom. For reasons I cannot comprehend, despite this perfect upbringing Egg Nog will end up in a line of work where he will kill thousands of people, on behalf of the North American
Space Armada Star Fleet Aaarrrgh... I think the official name is NASA Federation.
Rom will start his working life in his brother's pub, as a slave. After an illustrious career in which he will start a union, organise strikes, shag a foreign roulette girl and attempt to murder his saint of a brother, Rom will eventually decide that the time is right time to move on to better things. He will therefore resign in order to clean train station toilets on the night shift, for no money. After doing some unpaid overtime for an Irish slavedriver, and identifying a covert attempt to shut down the railway line, he will then be promoted to doing the day shift for no money, before losing his job and being thrown in prison for planting landmines on the very same line. Shortly after his release, one of the many men his mum is acquainted with will make him king of the communist republic of Ferengi: his outstanding CV makes him the perfect man for the job. Assuming, of course, that Rom is ever born in the first place, because the childless DaViD doesn't strike me as someone with much of a future, and his only family of note is Wray - a Nephew, AKA "Blue Ray".