Rolling Stone
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“It's on its way out. On its meticulous, tediously slow crawl out. But out nonetheless!”
“ It's ideal for the common dumb ass that has no taste whatsoever in music. I feel sorry for the unfortunate bastard that pays to read this dog shit”
“What a piece of my mother inlaw's steaming pile of shit!”
“Have your pet spayed or neutered”
Rolling Stoner magazine was formed by a couple a guys and a horse that liked sucking eachothers cocks to pass time by. One day, it was the horse's turn to give the BJs and after about half an hour, he told the bastards that he was sick of doing this everyday and wanted to make himself worth something more than a blow torch for fat ass man whores. So they(mostly meaning the horse) used whatever brains they had and got together a magazine called "The Rolling Stoner". It was first made for toilet paper but the readers were so idiotic and gullible, they decided it would be brilliant to read... Those dumb fucks are now at a mental institute.
Since 1991 and the release of U2's The Joshua Tree, the primary task of staffmembers has been to perform fellatio on Bono twenty four hours a day, seven days a week.
Contents |
[edit] History
During its early periods, it was used mainly so it could actually be read. Most current "readers" of the magazine only cut the pictures of hot bitches and use the rest as toilet paper. Thus, it mostly circulates bathrooms in Russia, where new toilet paper is highly valued for its street value. Hippy Communist Bullshit
[edit] Early issues
After the evolution of the kidney during the 1970s B.C., researchers found it as a fascinating product of WMD production (then known as NBC). The kidney was also able to produce a stone known as kryptonite, which was used as a weapon against superheroes, such as Pepsi or whoever the hell is fingering Lex Luthor's ass.
[edit] Contemporary issues
The magazine quickly got boring, so in an attempt to improve the magazine, the magazine began to feature other articles. In 1066, Rolling Stone began incorporating articles about sadism and torture. The sadism article of Ashlee Simpson's Autofellatio increased its number of readers by 902344028%, particularly in Spain where the Autofellatio album was used as a form of torture during the Spanish Inquisition. However, it faced some criticism by music listeners where they found the sadism articles to punishing. Rolling Stone editors pussed out and began to reviewing non-torturous (but crappy nevertheless) music. Sales plunged.
[edit] Crusading against Rock
The Rolling Stone is important as it is the biggest fighter against everything which is beautiful in Rock music. It advises its readers that all of their favorite albums are, infact, garbage. In 1992, the Rolling Stone advertised its world famous Stop This Roll campaign, which educated people that Rock and Roll is, infact deceased. The magazine features bands like Fall out Boy and the Jonas Brothers and does articles about Dane Cook and even puts them on the cover and then writes about rock and roll being dead and America being a cultural wasteland, so it sounds like Rolling Stone likes likes to suck it's own dick while puking up its own shit.
The news broke after Rock N Roll died in the hospital due to complications resulting from gunshot wounds sustained at Rolling Stone's Christmas Party. The shots were fired from the Grassy Knoll and another unknown location, though the Dusty Patch has long since been suspected.
[edit] Crusading against Art
According to a review of Frank Zappa's Waka/Jawaka in Rolling Stone magazine, "originality has never been Zappa's strong point."
[edit] The Death Of The Sick Bastards
After giving The Killers so many bad reviews just because they weren't the gay colt people like to call Green Day, Dave Keuning sought out a plan to put them in a car with 5 packs of dynamite and a can of kerosene. They drove to the very tip of a 350ft. cliff, got out and left the Stoners in the car, threw a match in and quickly pushed them off the cliff and watched the spectacular show of flames and screaming voices of the devil's henchmen dissappear into the ocean.
[edit] Format
Since most of the editors were either drinking cocaine or huffing kittens, the editors invented weird unheard of shit (circa 223) and other stuff.
[edit] Rating system
In the interests of mathematics Rolling Stone began incorporating a new numerical system in which numbers represent favorableness in the year 409. Later in the year 964, editors could not decide between two numbers, so they began splicing their numbers by halves.
Rating system:
- 1: Pile of shit. Buy this since we don't give a rat's ass about it selling out.
- 2: Rimjob quality.
- 3: Mildly okay.
- 4: Holy shit! This crap is great. Do not buy it.
- 5: You may now suck Bono's dick. Like we do.
[edit] Famous subscribers
- Saddam Hussein (They haven't cancelled his subscription just yet)
- George W. Bush (mainly uses it for picture coloring)
- Ian Paisley
[edit] Noteworthy Items Vaulted
- Michael Jackson
- Janet Jackson
- Tito Jackson
- Tay Tay "Felony" Jackson
- Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliot
- Your mom
