RollerCoaster Tycoon 3

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“My very fast computer ran this game perfectly! There was no lag at all!”
Shot0099 - Copy

RollerCoaster Tycoon 3, showing a completed Roller Coaster.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about RollerCoaster Tycoon 3.

RollerCoaster Tycoon 3 is a very expensive cheap compatible computer game designed by Apple for the Microsoft Windows platform. The game is the latest in the current RCT series, all consisting of an amusement park simulation with shops, rides, guests and of course tons of no lag!

edit When the game was being 'made'

Chris Sawyer had spent half his life creating RollerCoater Tycoon 1 and 2 before Apple discovered his success. Apple got jealous, and demanded to turn the great classic game into 3D. Chris of course wanted to get tons of money, so he helped Apple build the game from scratch. They included new exciting features such as what the peeps (see below) saw, random shops that almost no one would buy stuff at, illegal use of famous bands and detailed vomit simulations. Of course, because it's 3D, they had to include some lines of code that will make your super fast computer run twice as slow. But they knew it was worth it.

Many Apple executives spent hours and hours studying miles of code to make sure that each of five hundred different peeps had been rendered correctly. Unfortunately, their computer was infected with a virus, and since they didn't have Norton Antivirus, the code was lost! Oh shit! That's why lots of the peeps look like malformed monsters.

edit The game is shipped... kinda!

When the game was first delivered, in less than seven days and eight nights, over 100,000 copies had been sent. Sadly, as the aircraft that was taking the games from Apple's headquarters to somewhere was flying, many of the copies blew up because some Idiot, who was flying the plane, left the back door open and only two copies, which both somehow broke into for sections, managed to stay in the airplane. Of course, nothing too important was lost from the broken copies, after all, the coding that kept the game from getting too laggy isn't that important, which is why most of the fastest computers are able to stand it. Of course, the slowest computers won't be able to load it up at all!

edit The main parts of the game

RollerCoaster Tycoon 3's game is made up of three menus, each one containing nudity, or, if you got the Europen version, a well known virus that is very rare. The three menus are as follows:

edit Play

This will load up fifty viruses which will each lag up the game, one by one. Oh, it will also show more options to allow to, like, 'play' the game!

edit Tools

This will allow you to create war zones, or at they call them, theme parks, be able to create an army, or a couple of peeps, build roadways to attack countries, or in their case rollercoasters, and be able to help build top secret headquarters, or in this case build basic structures.

edit Settings

This will give you the option to pretty much do everything from making the park as graphically amazing as possible (see pic) to blowing up your computer. Mostly the latter.

edit The scenarios

The incredibly easy scenarios consist of basic to complex park management involving seeing how long you can last without blowing up peeps, trying to not over price the bathroom cost, and seeing how long you can stand that darned inspector.

edit The Inspector

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The Park Inspector in the middle of hard work

Unlike the previous games in the series, RCT3 introduces an amazing new feature, that can walk, communicate with you, piss and even attack the peeps in your park! The new Inspector is a well loved peep that helps to make sure that your park is safe and doesn't risk anything bad, such as puke in the sky, peeps going to the bathroom in places they shouldn't, etc. The park inspector does have problems though, as many people whom have been to his parks have witnessed (and even have picture evidence of) the park inspector murdering people, breaking down rides, and even trying to commit suicide! But on the positive side, the Inspector has a very strong heart!

The park inspector loves roller coasters, as seen here he is about to ride a very fast dangerous ride!

The park inspector can be annoying at times, but that's what the simple drag and drop tool that RCT3 on purposely added is for. Simply click on the park inspector (the closer to his stomach, the better!) and then choose the pincher icon, which will show a huge crane-like object, most likely known as your mouse, with the inspector's only hair hanging from the tip! He likes to [ dance and wave, as he gets exciting, waiting to see where you will put him. Sadly, the most damage that is possible is feeding him to the lions... yet he is still alive to this day!


The park inspector's amazing looking swim suit, which clearly explains why he doesn't have a wife! Left: A peep humping an inflatable, a common practice.

The park inspector also has an amazing swim suit, that only professionals dare look at! The park inspector refuses to tell us where, how, when, or even why he got the ONLY swim suit. All we know is.... 'you come up with an ending to that sentence!'

edit The adventures with peeps

The peeps,

Purple Earful Egghead People

are well known to do something called 'riding' on the rides that you may or may not put in your park. They contribute green goo at times, widely known as 'puke' although we all know it's just a compliment.

edit Glitches

The European version turns into a werewolf every full moon!

Apart from this, there are no glitches. Assuming you are using the European version of course.

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