Rolf Harris
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“G'day mate! You're readin' me ahticle! Nah, do ya have any vehgemite?”
~ Rolf Harris on being from the world's dumpster
Rolf Harris, not to be mistaken for ROFL Harris, Rolf or Rudolf the red-nosed reindeer, is the notorious London east end crime lord and a lookalike for Col. Sanders, and the wobbleboard player for Pearl Jam. He is also a suspected paedophile after claims were raised that he abused chilren on the set of his show Rolf's Cartoon Cum.
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[edit] Early life
Rolf Harris was born in a swimming pool in Australia (though it was rumoured he was actually born in a Kangaroo's pouch, hence his nickname "Rolfaroo"). Some say he was sent by satan to rule the world (and KFC for that matter) He was initially Christened Jake Peg, (adding "the" later on as an adult). He was a three legged former waltz champion, but his distant cousin Colonel Sanders, (himself a look-a-like of Rolf), was infuriated with this as it was scary for children seeing a picture of Rolf on several KFC Advertisments. He paid for his leg to be removed, and it was then used, in theory, for the 2nd line of the Swastika on the Nazi flag. When he was 16 he found out his real parents were Zac Efron and Lindsey Lohan.
[edit] Recent years
Once the ruler of Egypt, this psychotic maniac now appears regularly on television, hypnotizing those foolish enough to watch with his mind-bogglingly insane pieces of art. He then takes those hypnotized by his spells back to his evil lair (which is, in reality, his shed) and kills them quickly and painlessly. Nobody is quite sure why he does this; it would seem as though the great king has finally snapped. But as long as it makes him happy, no one is that bothered.
Harris is known well to British TV viewers as the presenter of Animal Hospital, documenting the activity of a veterinary practice. Rolf lends a helping hand killing off happy little puppies, snapping ducks' legs, huffing chickens, and breaking tragic news to small children in overfull-joyful song and dance.
He has also started working part time in Castle Park, in Colchester, where he is known to spend most of his time preventing children from succeeding in their attempts to capture the elusive chicken duck (though Rolf calls it a Mandarin Duck).
Rolf also took part in a charlie chaplin look-alike contest, placing an admirable 4th.
At the age of just 8, Rolf reached the international finals of The Extreme Tiddlywinks Championship, which took place in Moscow, Russia. Unfortunately due to neck strain, Rolf was only able to place fifth, just behind Samuel L Jackson.
[edit] Sex life
Rolf has been know not only to use his didgeridoo in very humerous songs about australian animals that are about to DIE, yeah extinction sucks for this animal loving wanna-be-a-vet-doctor presenter. He is now expressing his feelings, as shown in his 2004 single "suck on my didgeridoo" relised in October. Very similar to his 1966 single "Hev Yew Gotta Pecca, Boy?" showing that... yes he is a pervert.
[edit] Recent Survey Results
In a specially commissioned poll of the "Animal Hospital" cast, Eight out of ten cats preferred Rolf Harris to being nailed by their tails to a plank and taking part in "Spin the Cat" contests at Village Fetes.
[edit] Inventor and celebrity
In 1978, Rolf's like of animals and chickens led him to be snapped up by KFC as their company logo -- something which, to this day, he still denies.
Rolf is also the famed inventor of the "Wobble Board", a useless instrument that Tom Cruise is believed to have mastered. "Wobble Board's" are said to be made of melted down copies of unsold "The Best Of Rolf Harris" CD's.
He is also the inventor of Jell-o, first used as an edible substance, and then as a substance that killed small furry creatures.
His work with "Animal Hospital" inspired him to contribute a number of other ideas to make life safer for God's creatures. In the mid 80's, he patented the parachute for safety conscious Lemmings, but the invention which really mattered to him, and which occupied a significant amount of his time was the Electric Cat Greaser.
The idea was a simple one. The cat would be placed into a machine and would emerge caked in axle grease, thus enabling it to run faster. However as soon as he had the device up and running he ran into a snag: where on earth was he going to find an electric Cat?
However Rolf is not able to cum to somebody discouraged too easily and he immediatly began a series of attempts at Cat Electrification which involved concealing 45,000 volt electricity cables in plates of "Kit-e-Cat". His neighbours were appalled. Not only did they not believe that Rolf had installed an entire electric substation in his garden as "art", but the area had become home to a number of bald, blue smoking Cats which had never been seen in the area before. However the injunction they took against him led to his perfecting the "Smokeless Cat" simply by giving up experimenting.
His hobbies include playing the didgeridoo and dancing with his third leg. He also loves tickling witchiti grubs and researching about who built ayers rock.
Alleged acts of Bestiality after his hit single, "Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport" followed after the working title to the song was leaked as Bestiality's Best, Boys. (Shagawallaby). Notable verses included "Put your spunk in a skunk," and "Intercourse with a Horse."
He spends his nights tying kangaroos down for sport with his extra leg and two little boys from the stairway of heaven.
Rofl Harris also invented the dildoridoo which is a hybrid of the dildo and the didgeridoo. It creates bowel shaking vibrations. When he first showed this monumental instrument to a prominent female Australian politician, bystanders were astonished to hear him utter those immortal words, "Can you guess what it is yet?"
He was last seen practicing dentistry in Canada.
The creator of Star Wars, George Lucas, hired Rolf on several occasions as a stunt double for himself in case of any suicidal fans of the trilogy. The only things the fans didn't understand was the extra leg and the Australian accent, but that was quickly dismissed as a costume design that didn't quite make the movie but would have replaced Chewbacca.
He is currently being hunted down after he killed 76 people due to wobble boarding while high after a 48 hour acid and crack binge.
[edit] Rolf and Terrorism
On September 3rd 2003, Rolf Made a Goatist outburst on Animal Hospital, the public outcry led to the formation of the Goats Liberation Front by local drunk aristocrat Sir Ramix. Since then Rolf has become the target of various terrorist attacks, with only his didgeridoo for protection the future looks bleak. In 2007, he died from a heroin overdose.
| Preceded by: Bon Scott | God of Australia 1947-2005 | Succeeded by: Mega-Rolf |
