Rogue Wan: A Star Wars Tragedy

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Rogue Wan: A Star Wars Tragedy
Rogue1
Rogue Wan.
Directed by Gareth Edwards
Written by Two completely different historical accounts.
Starring Fallen Comrades
Various Cameos
Music by Not John Williams
Production
company
Distributed by Disney
Release date(s) December 16, 2016
Running time 2 hours (extended edtion 4 hours)
Country United States
Language English
Budget A lot
Box office A Metric Ton of Gold

Rogue Wan: A Star Wars Tragedy (also known as One Rogue Tragedy) is a 2016 film pitched to the Disney Executives by John Knoll after he stopped himself from discussing the TV-adaptation with others back in 2003. He figured that it couldn’t work beside the prequels, being so long ago, far, far away from it. The Documentary is told from both the Stardust's Memoir's, along with eyewitness accounts from C3PO and R2-D2. The number of rewrites and reshoots made fans initially worried that the film that everyone-already-knew-the-end-to may not be released. It is the first documentary in the Star Wars Cinematic Universe and serves as padding to help people get their fix so they can survive until Episode 8. If you are reading this after Episode 8, may the Force help you.

The Movie contained a lot actors dying, then used necromancy to get dead actors in to help finish the story, which angered some people. It made a profit. This also is the first movie which Disney had absolutely no objections to all the protagonists biting the bullet. Director Gareth Edwards thought they may have missed a memo, but to this very day, no Disney employee has come forward saying otherwise.

edit Plot

Please note that the following documentary is taken from a DVD extra on the ‘’Star Wars Rebels:Season 5 - Shoulda stuck with Clone Wars’’[1] disc. The character’s names and backstories were changed to be memorable for children and tone down the overall age rating (see Cast Section).

edit Part I: Title Crawl

“How do you make something unique? You give it something that makes it stand out from the crowd. But what if you want to make a movie stand out inside it's cinematic universe? Rob it of what made it unique in the first place.”
~ iMovie Maker Expert

The Galaxy is in a tight spot. The Government of the Republic has been turned into a mockery thanks to the now-exiled Jar Jar Binks. Many planets are now opting to remove themselves from the system. In order to put them in their place, the Empire makes a bold move to increase their Stormtrooper presence. The poorly executed move screws everything up, many turning the Troopers into a joke.

So the Empire employs Bill Nye to create a crack team of designers to build a Ball of Death, capable of hovering over a planet menacingly. Under stress, Lead Engineer Clemont flees the project to a farm with his family. Struggling to make ends meet, they set up an Air BNB which is picked up by Bill who indentures him back into the fold. Only his daughter Stardust Magic escapes with the help of out-of-line Comedian Deathbed Greg.

15 years have now passed, the main lead Stardust is has now been arrested due to minor littering offensives and is being taken by accident to the Rebel Base. Flying straight into a disaster waiting to happen…

edit Part II: Background

The documentary starts with history surrounding the Great Balls of Death, as it is hard to differentiate between them. Shortly after the Fall of the Empire, they started popping up like crazy. Galactic Historian Piki Rewog explains to the audience all the Balls of Death, to help them understand which ones will be talked about.

  1. The Original, which Count Dooku grossly underestimated how much fuel they needed to get that thing into orbit. It operated for a couple of minutes.
  2. The Empire’s 1st one. The first of two Ball that will be the focus of the Documentary.
  3. The Empire’s 2nd one. In most historical accounts it doesn’t make the list due to not being constructed completely.
  4. The Arms Race. Countless ones were created when the Galaxy got into that really bad depression in order to give people jobs and a livelihood. The statisticians began to mysteriously vanish after calculating terribly low chances of surviving, so doing maths was banned for a bit.
  5. Psycho Chen’s Masterpiece. Destroyed all the Arms Race Balls in a single multi-strike hit. The second and final focus of the documentary.

C3PO and R2D2 began their recounts to the audience explaining how reason that Ball 5 exists is due to history behind the plans of Ball 2. This documentary sets out to show how everyone is under the wrong impression, that rebel spies didn’t steal them. No one knows for certain what happened.

edit Part III:The Identity of the “Spies”

The one who ruined the peaceful Empire rule for everyone is a woman called Stardust. She received a compulsory community service around the time that the second Ball of Death was completed. Under the threat of being evicted as she was behind on her rent, she uploaded stand-up videos to the Internet for ad revenue. The comedian Deathbed Greg featured heavily in these videos, along with stardust as he was her adopted father. The Rebel Alliance noticed from these videos her relation to Greg, so they move quickly to secure her.

At the same time, Accidental Indecisive Assassin and his robot companion, Battlefront E-Sport Champion C2SO are recalled from the field. Leaving one dead informant who was added into the documentary’s reenactment for continuity and people who live under rocks. It was true however, that the assassin killed a lot of people by accident. R2D2 confirms that his reckless behaviour and total disregard for droids nearly ended his life twice.

Finally, defecting pilot Hal Goose makes his way to Deathbed Greg, with plans from – by absolute coincidence – Stardust’s father and lead design of Ball 2, Clemont. Hal nearly has a fatal indicent when he misses his space exit to the 3rd Tatootine. He finds Deathbed Greg by speaking subtitled English. Greg didn’t trust him at first and set a massive squid on him to read his thoughts. Biologist Chium Wriga explains that said squids don’t exist, it is a bit weird to see aquatic life on a desert planet.

(It is worth mentioning there are two other “spies”, Blind Batman and his Guide Dog. They’re not important to the narrative here. Batman isn’t in the last bit as he can’t pass the Rebel’s medical so he can’t fight, there are no records confirming if Guide Dog stayed too.)

edit Part IV:The Failed Retrieval

“They didn’t take out the Planet as the Ball required Admin Privileges. Clemont was smart, I’ll give him that.”
~ R2-D2’s commentary on the Ball of Death Plans
“Myth busted. There is no way anyone could’ve taken out that many Stormtroopers. Someone likes to tell stories.”
~ Taken from Mythbusters’ Star Wars Special

An indentured Stardust, reluctant Assassin and a catering droid all get in a ship (no punchline). Assassin’s first moment of brilliance finally arrives, he leaves the brilliant robot strategist on-board. Inside the city they meet Batman and Guide Dog, who have lost their jobs thanks to stormtroppers seizing their Temple assets. The locals, in the form of the Kyber Fractal Clan fight for their jobs and wealth, directly in front of the Rogue team. While the legends say otherwise, the team hid in the name of self-preservation. After the firefight dies down, KFC blames them for losing and takes to the Prisoner Of War Camp.

C2SO infiltrates the POW camp by remotely accessing KFC’s own C2SO droid. Stardust can see Greg thanks to the droid’s ‘clan cred’. Goose finally stops acting for an Oscar in his cell after getting the all-clear poke from Batman. The mental scaring he endured from the scared squid’s assault would haunt him to his grave (So, in total another 6 hours.). Greg and Stardust watch Clemont message as the Ball of Death arrives. Re-enactment replacement Tarkin and Bill Nye try their best to light the planet up with the Ball, but only manage a poor trickle.

The Kyber Temple gets recked and the shrapnel flies unrealistically everywhere. C2SO performs a legitimate multi-altitude drift to avoid the flying debree. Greg stays behind, telling Stardust to take the Empire to court for his assisted suicide. Aboard the ship, Stardust realises no-one has a camera, so no-one snapped a photo on their non-existent smartphones. The Assassin remedies the situation by forcing Hal to detour to her father’s lab to get a testimony. Galactic legal expert Earni Bucker explains that this type of Evidence had been outlawed from the courts because dictatorship.

edit Part V:Unnecessary Detour

The team fly to the Empire’s lab, a newly renovated clone factory – as denoted by the stormy conditions. Here the team really starts to go rogue, deciding not to band together as a tight stealth unit but walk right into the night and catch hypothermia. Stardust – having learnt what her mother’s crystal actually is from Batman – want to be reincarnated right away, so she climbs the service ladder heading straight into danger. Her climbing skills clearly show that the Great Grapple Hook Shortage (which was occurring at the time) affected everyone’s death wishes.

Assassin saw her climbing, but got the false impression that he was supposed to be on sniper duty, as said in the Rebel radio chatter. While the rebel ships are preparing to storm the place, Bill Nye descends from the sky. There are no surviving documents explaining why he was there coincidentally. The Imperial coroner report on the incident do say that the following casualties occurred sometime during the planned kidnapping.

“I Lipom Wasligu, Imperial Coroner, confirm that the following people have passed.

  • Battle Station Structural Engineer – Shot Dead (See Appendix A)
  • Lead Superlaser Optics Engineer – Shot Dead (See Appendix B)
  • Lead Superlaser Optics Engineer’s Assistant – Shot Dead (See Appendix C)
  • Propulsion system Engineer – Shot Dead (See Appendix D)
  • Propulsion system mechanic and her Apprentice – Shot Dead (See Appendix E)
  • Specially trained backup Ball of Death Driver – Shot Dead (See Appendix F)
  • Hypermatter Reactor Engineer -Shot Dead (See Appendix G)
  • Reactor Refueler – Radiation Poisoning (See Appendix H)
  • Clemont – thrown by the explosion of a photon torpedo by the rebel forces, suffered internal bleeding and died (See Appendix I)
  • Bill Nye’s Guards (#49F22 to #485HD) - thrown by the explosion of the platform (See Appendix J) (Please inform OH&S we need a safety railing, see Appendix K)
  • Various Rebel Ships Pilots – On closer inspection weren’t killed when they were shot out of the sky. Per the black boxes, they fell out of the sky due to a gallon-to-litres conversion error. Gravity killed them. (See Appendix L)
  • Anti-Air Turret Personal – Dead, blown to pieces by a falling rebel ship. Witnesses said that there was a ground rebel fighter firing blind into the sky and caused the “one-in-a-million” shot. (See Appendix M)

I have attached the necessary reports (See Appendix N) and suggest you change your shareholders (See Appendix O).”

Our Rogue team amazingly made it out alive and returned empty-handed.

edit Part VI:Denial of Service: The Final Straw

“...The Executive agrees that the evidence for its existence is extremely obvious. It is agreed by all members that a small espionage team will be dispatched to retrieve the plans. This measure will ensure that our men and women will not dissert us...”
~ 5th Extraordinary Rebellion Meeting

Despite the Rogue team knowing that no one has hard evidence and the Rebel Leaders only accept hard evidence, they head back to base empty handed. [2] Stardust pays off the crowd to cheer at her argument to make everything sound more credible. This bold move made their testimonies sound legitimate and triggered section 3 of the Rebel’s Constitution. The leaders didn’t clarify this at the Ordinary Meeting and just went ahead with their Extraordinary Meeting after doing some internet research.

At the time of the Extraordinary Meeting, Stardust was overheard by R2D2 about her dissatisfaction for the “lack of effort”. She then decides to “rebel” – which is ironic. Their plan is to attack a secure the plans from a military base, which may/may not be there. Once again Lead Strategist Brabra Gingrin explains that a small team of 40 soldiers shouldn’t made it past the parking lot. He showed the interviewer records that proved Batman never made it aboard as he was considered blind and didn’t count as a solder.

Regardless, the rebel rebellion unit managed to rebel by confusing air traffic control saying they were “Going Rogue” and “they should watch out”. Foolishly, control granted their request to leave as they had a lot of planes that were running out of fuel and needed their attention. So all the members of this rebel team left from the base, from this point on, no one really knows what happened.


edit Part VII:The Convoluted/Infiltration/Settlement for the Plans

“Would I say that it could’ve been avoided? By the Maker yes!”
~ C3PO
“It is by some small miracle that I got the plans. We were on that ship originally to deliver and pick up takeaway orders.”
~ R2D2
Rogue One Phallicness Photograph

The above photograph was taken by a Rebellion Solider supposedly around the time of the battle, however it was discredited 3 years ago for being too phallic.

No one can find any record of who and how exactly the plans got into rebel hands. Rebel historians say it was spies, other hold the opinion there was a battle. The planet which the fight occurred doesn’t exist, which should make this impossible until you consider the Ball of Death. What we do know is that Rebel historians explain that the plans were transmitted out of there, the Empire’s Global Transmission Logs disprove this. This suggests that the plans were made it out by foot, but this doesn’t make sense either. The Empire was too well fortified.

Sources claim that the AT-ATs were present at the battle, this makes no sense as their firepower is made for attack and they would’ve caused a lot of friendly-fire. The shield gate being destroyed by a Star Destroyer is also falsified, reasons being that the accounts behind it’s destruction are too phallic. Darth Vader, despite popular belief was repairing himself when the fight occurred. If he was present, his force wielding powers would’ve prevented the plans from leaving in the first place. The only way plans slipped through is if you consider that Hal the pilot drove an Imperial registered cargo ship, picked the plans up somehow and left. But this cannot be proven, as the Rebellion destroyed all documents and covered up their failures. Failures which lead to the collapse of intergalactic peace and stability.

Instead of getting the truth, we received myths. Batman, a blind soul being able to walk calmly through a live battlefield of stormtroopers to press a button. The Assassin, falling from the (possibly non-existent) data tower and discovering that his legs weren’t broken, rushing in to save the day. Everyone valiantly giving their lives.

The only thing for certain is that the Rogue Team died that day, and somehow the plans landed in the Rebellion’s lap.

Which brings us to the problems caused by Stardust’s reincarnation crystal.

edit Part VII: Aftermath

“I deny that the Knights of Ren, myself included, aren’t reincarnated from this incident you speak of. Now go away.”
~ Psycho Chen
Bouncywikilogo
For those who would rather not see the truth and believe the blatant lies they are told, Wikipedia have an article about... the incident .

It is commonplace today that people believe that the Ball of Death’s plans were given from CGI Layer to Psycho Chen. Most people fail to consider that isn’t a present you give someone trying to cope with being the child in messy divorce proceedings. So the documentary proposes that Stardust and her Team successfully cheated their deaths to get better lives. R2D2 furthers this claim to have overheard Stardust’s “Plan B” at the rebel base, which involved being rebirthed through the force by use of her crystal.

But when they awoke, they discovered that the Universe was in the exact same place when they left it. So Stardust managed to get to Chen and told him about his mother’s plans, then prompted him to “Rebel”. Thus creating one rogue tragedy, making history to repeat itself again.

Shortly after the release of this film, C3PO and R2D2 had their memories of the events mysteriously erased. All people who worked on the production vanished and the documentary was replaced with a glorified, historically inaccurate account.

edit Cast

  • Stardust Magic (Felicity Jones as Jyn Erso), a woman who is the mother to Rey[3]. She had meant to serve community service for the Empire (dressed as a ladybug to pick up litter) but by accident sent off to the Rebel base. This was due to Human Resources having a problem with her name, as she used many aliases in her life to cover her terrible credit rating[4].
  • Accidental Indecisive Assassin (Diego Luna as Cassian Andor) He used to work at the counter at a fast food chain, changed careers after various corporate shifts. He discovered his innate hitman abilities once realising he caused a mass food poisoning and several dangerous fat fires, by accident. He hates the Empire for installing self-ordering machines, making him unemployed. He joined the Rebels because he thought they were against these efficiency practices. They weren't.
  • Ben Nye that Director Guy (Ben Mendelsohn as Orson Krennic), the Director of Advanced Weapons Research for the Imperial Military. Hired straight out of university, lied his way through the interview and most famous for having the shortest turn-around of engineers and scientists. He hates negativity and kills anyone who believes that a planet-destroying laser could be fixed to something smaller and harder to hit.
  • Batman Bel Phong (Donnie Yen as Chirrut Îmwe). He is the craziest risk-taker in the entire galaxy. Mainly because he is blind and can't read anything, especially Braille. At 12, He sold his eyeballs online in exchange for the ability to call upon the Forces of the Universe. Parents hated his life choices and he left home on a Gap Year, but got lost at the Kybher temple as he didn't see any exit signs.
  • Clemont (Mads Mikkelsen as Galen Erso). Jyn's father and a research scientist. Believed that the future came early thanks to the science of Kybher lasers. He was promoted by Empire to cut as many corners as he could with the construction of the Spinny Beach Ball Of Death. He put way too many flaws[5] in and struggled to come up with a reasonable explanation for this, in case an inquiry was launched into its failure. He decided to first flee and hide, then when that failed he told Hal the pilot to send the plans to the rebels - so they could take the blame instead[6].
  • Catering to Self Orders (C2SO) (Alan Tudyk as K-2SO). A robot that used to work at a fast food chain. The Assassin tried to order something one day while trying to be nostalgic about his life. C2SO took his order and it isn’t clear if the Assassin screwed up punching it in or C2SO failed to send it all off, but someone stuffed up. As compensation, C2SO was given instead of payment as the food chain struggled with the ongoing costs of robot maintenance. C2SO played a lot of strategy E-Sports to support them as the participation rules didn’t ban robots before moving to the rebellion.
  • Hal Goose (Riz Ahmed as Bodhi Rook), An Imperial pilot who defects after learning that his new post on the Ball Of Death is unsafe due to dodgy construction. He doesn't have much else to offer as he usually is far away from the fighting. Somehow alright with terrible weather conditions, once flew through a Hurricane, didn't feel a thing.
  • Guide Dog (Jiang Wen as Baze Malbus) Proud owner of the Khyber Temple thanks to Order 66. He takes Batman under his wing after noticing that tourists kept asking Batman for tours instead of him. One pair of discoloured glass eyes later and they were the best of friends[7].
  • Deathbed Greg (Forest Whitaker as Saw Gerrera[8]) Leader of the Kybher Fractal Clan and was really good at verbally abusing the Empire. Met Clemont during his years being a stand-up comedian at the resort. But he caught a really bad throat bug from an open mic night sometime later that quickly spiralled into a terminal illness.

Some other people acted out a role in this movie, but they died with names long forgotten or you already knew exactly who they were as they appeared before/after this movie. So what is the point?

edit Production

edit Development

Because of how the movie industry goes these days, Director Gareth Edwards had a lot to do. He worked on making the events a Vietnam-like war, but the characters had to be not likeable so no one felt sorry at the end. Given no breathing-room on this, the writers quickly got to work trying to cover up the lack of historical facts with amazing, totally-fabricated action scenes. The film crew went a bit nuts with camera and shot a lot, but there wasn't any continuity. So the marketing department received a bunch of shots which weren't in the final edit. The editors privately expressed how Hollywood trailers today allowed them to pad everything with fades to give it some sense that they knew what they doing.

With half the budget gone, the producers only then figured out that no existing film could be used. The Merchandising team then had to come in to take large chunks of the working story out to sell as toys and books to recover their loses, in case the box-office sales were low. The original script-writer left due to his ideas being blocked behind a larger paywall. To give everyone more time, Disney Managers pushed the film back to be Christmas Present for their children. The real big reason for the delay is expressed in detail below.

edit Necromancy controversy

Main article: Grand Moff Tarkin

During the first couple of weeks following worldwide release it came to public’s attention that the casting directors had hired a necromancer to revive Tarkin to play his role. The necromancer had numerous objections, being it went against her personal ethics and the blaring fact that he had been cremated. The casting directors and the necromancer settled on calling his spirit from the after-life and patching it with CGI. Many other cast members found his presence on set jarring. The Acting Guild didn’t like the thought not having to pay a ghost to perform acting service and threatened to take them to court for interfering with a corpse.

Tensions reached an unbearable level, the directors came forward to reveal how they would never attempt this again. Turns out that Tarkin – being a ghost – would float instead of walk. Subsequently, the Computer Animation Department had to watch and rewatch The Curse of Frankenstien, Dracula, Various Sherlock Holmes stories and two non-canon Doctor Who Films to draw them in. His role in the original Star Wars couldn’t be used as a reference as he wore slippers, which didn’t make the cut. Then the ghost started to fade over the course of the shoot, a quarter of the scenes needed to be shot again. In the end the necromancer had to go to hospital due to the amount of blood she donated to make the Dark Ritual work. The producers scrapped this idea and moved to using a droid impersonator. No one battered an eyelid.

However, this didn’t silence talk about the controversy. Critics still are still wry that this kind of crazy antics will probably occur in the future[9]. Questions are being raised regarding the need for insurance payouts to actors and if you can apply it to other platforms. Big unpopular YouTubers have expressed interest in having access to this kind of technology to help with gaining views from interviewing famous people on their shows.

edit Reception

edit Teaser trailer criticism

The trailer teaser (i.e. a trailer for a trailer) got a ton of bad press for not actually being a trailer. Reactions from reactors on Youtube were over-exaggerated, but pained as they had to do it a second time. Sentimental people reminded themselves of a time where you got a trailer that wasn’t chopped up and filled with fades for padding. None of the characters were introduced by name and many of the trailer scenes were cut of the actual movie itself[10]. But it is universally agreed upon that every single visible scene was dense and so much was going on.

edit #DumpStarWars

The other bizarre occurrence that happened during the movie’s development with Twitter. For those who never heard of the social media platform, it's a passing-thought recorder. In the now-deleted tweet, one person compared the Empire as white nationalists and another said the Rebellion a multi-cultural group led by women. To some Star Wars fans, it sounded like the movie had been ruined. A campaign to boycott the movie using a hashtag began. It fell on deaf ears as people used it to talk trash about the prequels. To prove that these claims had no influence over the movie, see the table below.

A Selection of the Supposed 2016 American Political References in Rogue One
Movie Example Possible interpretation Probable Future Audience Interpretation
Removal of Black/Grey Stormtroopers The Empire is Racist. There is a lot of Stormtroopers, that’s good because Episode 4 happens after this.
A surprising amount of support against Bill, causing him to get kicked out of the Ball of Death. The Empire has lost the men who know how to work the system. Tarkin has to be there for Episode 4. This is how he got there.
All of the main protagonists are able to take out waves of heavily armoured Stormtroopers The Rebellion is good at taking out The Empire. Stormtroopers are still disposable as ever.
The Khyber Fractal Clan are also able to take out heavily armoured Stormtroopers The Empire can’t protect us. Stormtroopers are still disposable as ever.
The Pilot making it seem over the radio that the is more men than there actually is. The Rebellion have a support from the traditional media outlets. The Rebels have a good strategy.
Not a single female figure holds a position inside the Empire.  ??? Who Cares? It's set before a 70's film.
Vote for Stardust Strong Leader with cheesy dialogue Stardust is the lead character
Hate Vader He’s good for about four minutes, you feel sorry for the people he’s obliterating. He’ll lose sight of the bigger picture - in this case, the plans - because he’s caught up in the present moment. I’m glad he didn’t make a large appearance. It wasn't his story. He did wreck a lot of stuff for the time he was there. It was awesome.

edit Critical reception

Jar jar rogue oneV2

In order of appearance (left to right): woman, Jar Jar Binks, man

In terms of actual ratings, everyone gave it a nod and went about their day. Some people didn’t like the use of a CGI Carrie Fisher or the reviving Peter Cushing. Many conspiracy theories surfaced saying that the movie somehow knew that the CGI Characters’ would be dead. The theory went further down the rabbit hole to talk about Jar Jar Binks involvement in the film. The theory even showed a still taken from the movie to prove that he was involved at some point. Somehow being cut before release, presumably in order to preserve the actor’s life. This was meant to prove that the Darth Jar Jar theory had some relevance with the new movies. Regardless, it is unknown at this time what purpose he had in the film.


edit Footnotes

  1. A cartoon show set around the same time period. You can identify it by the Lightsabers as they have a width of a pencil. Everytime they collide you think they’re going to break off and hit someone in the face.
  2. Even though that Photographer Rororo the 3rd is living proof that you can take a photo (hard evidence) of the Ball of Death and not die.
  3. That is entirely possible as Stardust's Mother was a Jedi in an early version of the script
  4. If you would like to read more about Stardust's actual upbringing with Greg, read Rebel Rising when it comes out six months after the movie.
  5. The final straw was when he insulated the shielding for the reactor with dynamite, because it was dirt cheap.
  6. If you would like some more information on Clemont's Weapon Testing Adventures see Catalyst: A Rogue One Novel. Available when the movie comes out.
  7. If you want to know why Batman and Guide Dog lost their jobs at the Temple read Guardians of the Whills, six months after the movie is released.
  8. It should be noted that this character first appeared in the animated series Star Wars: The Clone Wars and was created by George Lucas. It is understandable if you didn't make this connection to this already existing character as he originally had blue eyes and an orange streak in this black hair. Then green eyes. Then brown ones.
  9. Given that $1,000,000,000,000 insurance payout Disney got after the unexpected passing of Carrie Fisher, no really should be worried just yet.
  10. This didn’t stop Lego from using a scene in an advertisement for a Lego Set.
Personal tools
projects