Roger Taylor
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“R-r-r-r-r-roger Taylor!”
~ Freddie Mercury on Roger Taylor
“Drummer, dentist, and tailor. Roger Taylor does it all!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Roger Taylor
Roger Taylor was born on a day that no one can necessarily remember in 1949, except for the Queen of England who clapped eyes on li'l Roger when he was about to pee, albeit straight from the womb. Asked by a diligent though slightly illiterate nurse how much the newly-born had urinated, HRH discreetly and poetically replied, "Oh, goodness us, I mean, meadows, endless meadows of the yellow stuff. Frightfully productive!". This inspired said nurse to write Roger Meddows-Taylor on his birth certificate, and his band to call itself after the visiting Royal, contrary to unreliable, campy rumours that made both Oscar Wilde and Susan Sontag wet their pants in hindsight. In his teens, the good-old fashioned lover boy developed a routine that flabbergasted even priapic heroes such as Bob Pant and Lemmie of Motorhead: he introduced himself as Roger Taylor to one groupie and as Roger Meddows to the next before his re-entrance as Roger Meddows-Taylor, the double-barrelled playboy to the hapless third. His mother was a contortionist in the Barnum & Bailey Circus and his father was out of work due to his incontrollable addiction to potatoes. Roger became a man very quickly. When he was only in 4th grade, he weighed 200 pounds and enjoyed inflicting temporary amnesia on his schoolmates by pummeling them in their heads with rugby balls. He would then jog back into the locker room, put on a mesh muscle shirt and cut school to pump iron.
[edit] Adolescence
Later in his teen years, Roger became fascinated with the causes of gingivitis, halitosis and the fact that his new friend Freddie Bulsara had four more teeth than he should have, and decided to pursue a career in dentistry. But he had a problem- what would happen to his muscles? He then decided to become a drummer for his friend Brian's band, Vile, a name that he had come up with to compromise with the fact that he had given up being a dentist. As his fame in the newly named band Queen grew, Roger satisfied his secret cravings for the smell of gasoline and the sweet taste of antifreeze and became a mechanic, under the pseudonym of Ron Weasley. This career was short lived, however, although his career as a mechanic was of inspiration to author JK Rowling. She immediately began writing stories about Roger's car fixer life, turning him into a similar-looking character of the same name.
[edit] Personal Life
He has been the subject of homoerotic fiction in which he was paired with one of his band members, mostly Brian May. Roger had a long-lived and fruitful relationship with his band mate John Deacon, but no one has written a slash about them because the vision of them in romantic postitions causes blindness and anal leakage. The relationship produced innumerable illegitimate children, the birth of which is evidenced by the frequent in-studio screeching during his labors. In fact, the opera section of "Bohemian Rhapsody" is an unaltered recording of the birth of Roger's triplets. He is also rumored about being in love with his car.
[edit] Trivia
- Roger Taylor is cooler than you.
- Over 11,000 people have reported deafness caused by hearing Roger Taylor's falsetto.
- He played most of his shows asleep.
- Much to Freddie's amusement, he tried to dye his hair before a show, only to turn it a striking shade of green.
- Roger Taylor is friends with Eric Cartman
- Roger would probably go shag somebody, mainly himself!
- Even though he's a drummer, he likes music, and can even sing !
- Roger Taylor can defeat Chuck Norris.
- His cell phone carrier is Sprint, which is why Sprint occasionally has poor service; his voice destroys reception.
- Roger Taylor stole the cookies from the cookie jar.
- Roger Taylor has his own line of alarm clocks and burglar alarms in Italy. Consequently, more people report to work on time and the crime rate has gone down. There is also an increase in deaf businessmen and robbers with ringing in the ears.
- Roger Taylor lost the Game.
- Roger has five children (that he knows of) that are all in fact clones of various aspects of him e.g his eldest son sounds exactly like him, his second son looks exactly like him and is a drummer.
