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Roger Stone: Mafia Pinstripes.

Roger Jason Stone Jr. (born August 27, 1952) is U.S. President Don Trumpolini's official consigliere for providing lies, threats, and harm to anyone who has children or pets. Stone's fearsome reputation has helped to promote the Trumpolini dynasty into the First Organized Crime Family of the United States.

StonesEdit

Roger "Rogue" Stone grew up in Lewisboro, New York, and was the younger brother of Oliver Stone and Sly Stone. He went against his family's inherent liberalism of Papa "Rollin'" Stone and opposed multiculturalism.

Nixon careerEdit

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Roger Stone's tattoo of Richard Nixon. Not shown: Nixon's arse with his tattoo of Roger Stone.

Roger become an early, fevered conservative supporter of Richard Nixon in the early 1970s. So impressed was Nixon of the young Roger's unbridled political lust enthusiasm that he had a tattoo of his young helper on his right buttock. Stone went further and had Nixon's face steam-pressed onto his back.

Stone tried to defend Nixon during the Watergate scandal and made a list of enemies who should be "rubbed out". To his surprise, Nixon baulked at straight murder and said he only wanted "sustained character assassination". Stone blamed Nixon's years in Congress and the Senate for his squeamishness but still admired his hero.

Meet the TrumpolinisEdit

During the presidency of Ronald Reagan, the Republican Party's move to the further right-wing and an aggressive foreign policy against the USSR and others were welcomed by Stone. But he always regarded the Democrat Party as a greater evil who needed to be crushed. Thinking that perhaps politics via conventional methods wasn't working, he decided to befriend an ambitious Mafia family known as the Trumpolini.

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Roger Stone.

The Trumpolini family claimed they had provided research and help for Francis Ford Coppola's Godfather films. The then-family patriarch Fredo Trumpolini had said that street crime, fixed betting scams, and monkey-wrenching trade union organizers was "small-time stuff" and the family should move into criminal real estate. Fredo's youngest son Donaldino (rather than the elder, drunker Roberto) supported his father and also said he wanted to go into American politics to support the family. Seeing an opening, Stone volunteered to work as the Trumpolinis' legal attorney or consigliere.

Strongman PoliticsEdit

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Roger Stone in England, disguised as a cricket umpire.

Stone still considered himself as a "Republican" but became convinced that the U.S. needed a charismatic leader. He flattered Don Trumpolini and showed him movies of Benito Mussolini. Stone said that what was needed was someone who had the "fun" of Mussolini with the ruthlessness of Adolf Hitler. It was around this time Don Trumpolini broke a habit of a lifetime about reading and thumbed his way through a copy of Mein Kampf, given to Don by his self-hating gay Jew McCarthyist friend Roy Cohn.

In 1999, Fredo Trumpolini died, removing the last barrier to Don's wider ambitions. Stone supported The Don's idea to run as Reform Party candidate for president, though here Stone and Don were outflanked by the fierce Catholic fundamentalist Pat Buchanan who got that party's nomination.

Following this relative failure, Stone encouraged Trumpolini to move from cameo roles on television to getting a main gig there. Stone got this idea from his own experience of being invited on television as an "enfant terrible", ready to say outrageous allegations and statements. Trumpolini agreed and so The Apprentice was born; Trumpolini also agreed to anglicize his name to "Donald Trump".

John Birth SocietyEdit

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Logo of the John Birth Society.

Stone had long been a member of the John Birth Society which had been in the forefront of conspiracy theories. John Birth had been an early associate of Stone and his close friend Paul Manafort until he was shot by the Black Panthers in the 1990s. Stone was convinced the murder had been inspired by then-Senator Barack Obama in league with the liberal-Muslim-marxist-Democrats. In retaliation, Stone claimed the now-President Obama was an illegal alien, originally named Barry Soetoro who had been undercover as a soul singer.

This campaign got the attention of Donald Trump, who considered running as an independent against milquetoast centrist Mitt Romney in the 2012 Presidential election. Stone advised against this approach, as he wanted Trump to capture the Republican Party.

2016 election dirty workEdit

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If you have Alex Jones in your corner, you're well and truly Rogered.

“We're doing well. We're winning bigly. In Trump I Trust.”
~ Roger Stone

Stone was an avid political dirt collector and liked WikiLeaks for their continuing vendetta against Hillary Clinton. He later learnt that WikiLeaks was relying on its intelligence from Vladimir Putin's army of Russian bots hacking into supposedly secure servers. In 2015, Stone travelled to London for a political event but then managed to sneak into the Ecuador embassy, where WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was hiding as a "political refugee" from Swedish justice over accusations of sexual assault. The two men bonded; Assange would act as the deniable conduit for secrets to Stone if he could somehow get the Americans to drop their threats of a one-way trip to Guantanamo Bay.

In 2015, the newly-branded "Donald Trump" announced he was going to see the Republican Party's presidential nomination for the 2016 elections. Other Republicans mocked Trump's ambition but they hadn't counted that Stone had enough dirt on all the other candidates — real dirt, plus a lot of fake dirt for good measure.

To Stone's immense satisfaction and inflated ego, his "dirt" worked. The Republican rivals to Trump were blown away; Jeb Bush in particular received a lorry load of manure dropped on his front step. Adding in Trump's own pitiless campaign methods, the Party of the Elephant was cooked. Now it was the turn for Stone's main enemies, the Democrats and Hillary Clinton.

The Stone crumblesEdit

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"Don't worry Roger, plead guilty and Good Ol' Donny will look after yah."

“Don't you bastards squeal. In Trump I Trust.”
~ Roger Stone

Stone took full credit for the election of Trump in November. This lead to many on his own side wishing to take down the arrogant fixer... including, ironically, Donald Trump. "There was only one sun in the sky and it's called Donald... not Roger," the president was alleged to have said, but Stone took this as a sign of his boss's cruel sense OF humor.

Throughout 2017, as the Robert Mueller investigation started, it soon took a great interest in Stone and his London (and Russian) connections. Lesser criminals blabbed away but Stone kept his council. He instead put the heat on his own minions, telling them to lie and go to jail to protect the president. "Don's got your backs," he would keep saying to them, "Take jail time if you have to."

ArrestEdit

“Never heard of him.”
~ Donald Trump on Roger Stone

In January 2019, the Mueller Investigation called in the FBI to bring Stone in for questioning. Stone claimed he was going to win and in return, see everyone he hated in jail in his place. It was all lies, but he admitted they were "pretty convincing for anyone who wasn't a biased liberal." Stone wasn't going to worry; "Donald Trump will free me," he said, "isn't that right Don? What... you mean he's blocked my number??"