Rocky Mountain Oysters

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Rocky Mountain Oysters are a specialty dish invented by the jolly ranchers of the world who believe it is not only possible but delicious to eat the entire beef steer, from snout to anus.

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This migrant worker is specially trained at Rocky Mountain Oyster harvesting, which requires a gentle touch and a steady hand to ensure that Oyster is heavy with natural Oyster juices.

Rocky Mountain Oysters begin their journey to our dinner table “un sack”, where they ripen and mature, marinating in their own special salty juices. Specially trained migrant workers gently reach into the growing environment and cup the sack, gently weighing the oysters with their soft silky hands. They are then harvested at the peak of their flavor and processed for our enjoyment on the dinner table.

Eating Rocky Mountain Oysters is our civic duty

But why eat Rocky Mountain oysters one might ask. Just like we eat veal so the rest of the children of the world can get fresh milk to grow healthy and strong, we eat bull and calf testicles so beef cattle can grow big and strong and meaty. So by eating this gift full of healthy hormones, we help to ensure that McDonalds and Taco Bell will always have a steady stream of meaty beefy products which they sell at drive-thru's world wide.

Not everyone in the world is as fortunate as we are in being able to eat Rocky Mountain Oysters, and children should be reminded that somewhere in Australia, poor children have nothing else to eat but Vegemite.

Rocky Mountain Oysters: it's what’s for dinner

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Housewives throughout the civilized world often ask, “How can I serve Rocky Mountain Oysters?" Well, we’re glad that you asked. According to the late Julia Child, it is important that all Rocky Mountain Oysters be washed, peeled, and soaked in a milky rich eggy bath. From there, you are limited only by your imagination; for example, see these recipes:

  • Broiled Rocky Mountain Oysters served in a heavy crème sauce for those romantic evenings.
  • In a hurry? Try Kraft Foods' Easy Oysters toaster pastries.
  • For the gourmet, envelop those tasty sacks in a simple sauce made from tofu, heated to 98.8 degrees and then lightly salted—vwell ahh (as the French say), Oysters a la Crème of Dyke.
  • Parboiled Rocky Mountain Oysters, served soft, make the perfect breakfast for your working man. And don't forget that whole wheat toast so he can sop up that rich oystery goodness.
  • Pop in ice cube trays, poke with a tongue depressor and into the deep freeze for a welcome Oyster Icy treat for the kiddies on hot summer days.
  • Dredged in bread crumbs and fried golden brown, Fried Oysters Southern style with okra and greens is a favorite that will make you up and cry "I'd shut my mouth but this is gooood eatin."
  • Rocky Mountain Oyster Fondue is a dish meant for sharing. Want something more exotic? Try them in a dark chocolate fondue—yum!
  • Rocky Mountain Oysters can even be rolled and coated with an outer layer of walnuts, cashews or pecans for an Oyster Nut Ball especially made for that impromptu party on the patio.
  • Gram or Gramps on a restricted diet? Try Rocky Mountain Oyster Rarebit, made with wholesome Kraft Foods Velveeta over melba toast for that easy to digest, easy-cheesy goodness.

And gals, ever have your friends over for a "girls night" and bridge but not know what to snack on? Try calf-sized mini Rocky Mountain Oyster Poppers—their rich and creamy texture are the convivial treat that stimulates the conversation and satisfies the hunger within.

And best of all, Rocky Mountain Oysters are the perfect complement to enjoying a hearty Merlot or crisp Chardonnay.

Are Oyster Crackers made with Rocky Mountain Oysters?

You betcha.

Grand Forks Rocky Mountain Oyster Festival

Each April, the town of Grand Forks in the Dakotas is host and home to the Grand Forks Rocky Mountain Oyster Festival. For 2006 the theme is “Great Balls of Fire” celebrating the Oyster in spicy Mexican foods like Chili and Tamales.

During the daytime, the festival is a perfect place to spend the day with the whole family. Rides, carny games and food really put that polyester you’re wearing to the test, and kids really get a kick out of having their photo taken with Testy, the official mascot of the festival.

Evenings, however, are reserved for adults and start off with the nightly sack testing contests when an average gal—just like you—can have a shot at the big one: the $69,000 dollar grand prize for best warm hands in the "Nut Fondle" contest. Couples can enter into the “Married People's Munch and Crunch” contest that pits couple against couple with participants eating their way through an Oyster until their lips lock.

Rocky Mountain Oyster Producers Association

All Rocky Mountain Oysters that are certified by the Rocky Mountain Oyster Producers Association are jam packed with bovine hormones that young children need to grow and thrive on. Only the best Oysters pass the test. Those that fail to make the grade are shipped to Great Britain where they are happily consumed after they’ve been pickled in vinegar and red beet juice.

See also

  • Ribald Orgies of North Dakota
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