A rockstar is a subspecies of humans, known for its attraction towards flashing lights and glittery objects. Exact numbers of the species' population is not known, as a standard criteria for determining what is a rockstar and what is not, has not yet been created. Rockstars are a very volatile species, and often take it upon themselves to improve the gene pool. (See survival and sociology below)
The rockstar is a deviation of homo sapiens . Though appearing after the arrival of homo sapiens, many refuse to acknowlege the rockstar as an evolved form of life, but instead as a mutant of the musician species. Several furious squabbles have broken out regarding the original rockstar. One faction insists that rockstars must be part of the homo sapiens geoastronomical classification, which therefore rules out the likes of The Doors, Led Zeppelin, the Rolling Stones (all inanimate objects). A more lienient subfaction insists on permitting anything with a homo sapiens classification to be called a rockstar, therefore permitting the Beatles (Homo sapiens coleoptera), and the Eagles (Homo sapiens Falconiformes)to fall under the category. Due to this incessant fighting, many researchers have broken lifelong friendships and split up their investigative teams.
Rockstars have an appetite for destruction, which is often measured on a GNR index. The GNR index is calibrated as follows:
- Guns: the most dangerous level. These rockstars have the potential to put anyone who confronts them on the stairway to heaven, or in some cases, the highway to hell.
- Neurotic: these rockstars may be paranoid, or just stoned.
- Roses: every one has its thorn.
During any episode of selfishness or destruction, rockstars are often heard to utter their common vocalization which sounds a great deal like the human phrase "I'll do whatever I damn well please". This is an action directly stemming from the rockstars becoming used to having homo sapiens give them money and gifts, and believing that everything is now theirs.
The common rockstar can be found almost anywhere in the world. Many have a debilitating vocal problem which causes them to speak only with the aid of a talisman referred to as a "mic". When with their mic, rockstars often behave in an unorthodox manner. In an unknown year, someone decided that this strange behaviour was entertaining and charged admission to have people observe the rockstar and his/her mic. Since then, these observations have grown in size, with the most bizarre rockstars requiring stadiums with capacities in the thousands to hold all of the observers.
Because rockstars spend so much time touring for the observers, they do not often enjoy a sendentary life. As such they often own upwards of one house. These houses are also massive so that the rockstar can use the time spent being lost in the corridors to counteract their lack of travelling while at home.
The Rockstar in Captivity
Many rockstars congregate in noisy packs called bands. These bands are usually taken into captivity from local watering holes, which they frequent. A general rule to follow is that all captive bands were feral bands of musicians, and feral bands usually have at least one member with the dormant rockstar gene. Once in captivity, the dormant rockstar gene awakens and the musicians metamorphazise into rockstars. A common start to the process is the introduction of the musician to a substance otherwise foreign to them.
They are then sold to companies which specialize in holding rockstar observation sessions. Before allowing the rockstar back into the eye of the public, he/she/they first are recorded and introduced to the public sonically. While many claim the live performances of the rockstars are much better than the recordings, the recordings themselves delight millions. If the recordings are sucessful, then the rockstar is allowed to have a microphone that is attached to live amplifiers and released for a period of approximately two hours in the evenings for observation.
Once the rockstar has traversed at least the whole of one country, they are released back into a form of semi-captivity. They are free most of the day, but are required to create a record within a certain timespan. If they fail, they do not pass go, and they don't collect $200. Instead, the company subjects them to severe harassment. This harassment causes high temperatures on the part of the rockstar, which damages, or burns, the rockstar gene to the point of ineffectivity. The company then releases the "burnouts" into the wild as "normal" humans.
In several documentated cases, rockstars have been known to subsist on money alone. Rockstars are also known for their vulnerability towards addictive drugs. These drugs include, alcohol (in vast amounts), pot, meth, heroin, cocaine, kittens, booze, weed (especially dandelions), candy, schmack, crack, and anything else ending in "-ack".
Rockstars are highly prized for their apparent sexuality. This makes them the primary prey for another subspecies of humans known commonly as the "groupie". Though the groupie thinks it is a parasite, it is often unknowingly part of a mutalism relationship. If the groupie discovers the relationship is revealed to be one of mutalism, it will attack. While the rockstar is techincally the prey, very rarely does a rockstar fall to a groupie. Rockstars, when threatened, summon demons known as bouncers to repel the groupie. If the groupie continues to attack, the rockstars use their massive powers of influence to banish the groupie to a set distance indefinitely.
It is rare for a rockstar to mate for life. This is mainly because rockstars by nature spend little time with their mate. They do, on occasion, reproduce. Due to the rockstar gene being completely recessive, a very low number of these couplings result in rockstar offspring. There is also a very low percentage of female rockstars, which limits the chances a pureblood offspring.
In a genetic pruning mechanism, rockstars often give their offspring mocking names (such as fruits, colours, or colours of fruit). This further decreases the number of rockstar-type offspring, because the gene is fragile at a young age and will completely recede from the offspring's DNA spiral if subject to harsh ridicule.
Rockstars also subject themselves to genetic pruning. The rockstar community is so small that they are exceedingly strict about the pureness of the bloodline. On more than one occasion, a rockstar has taken the initiative to better the line by removing him/her/itself from it completely.
Many times this noble deed is confused with accident. Rockstars are peaceful, loveable, and curious creatures by nature. As such, a great deal of them die while innocently experimenting with drugs. Others are simply do not handle being alone well. Many of these are G's on the GNR scale, who need to be violent but have no one but themselves to subject to violence.
After a period of roughly ten years, many rockstars begin to grow a conscience. In no way is this due to the pressure of fans referring to them as sellouts. Once again, this is simply a self-preservatory action. A conscience results in rockstars taking their mics and visiting world leaders. Topics of discussion usually pertain to war, peace, environmental issues, foreign policy, as well as the possibility of a national day of celebration in the rockstar's honour. For more information, see Bono.
Many people question whether this is actually rockstar behaviour, since it implies a care for someone other than themselves. This is actually the most devious of all rockstar behaviours, because the rockstars simply want to have the planet to be in its best possible condition for as long as they inhabit/rule it.
We just want to stop for a minute and tell you that you guys have been the best goddamn crowd we've ever had. We want to thank each and every one of you for coming out and reading this page. It's been one hell of a head trip. This one's for you guys. Okay, now, when we get to the period, make sure you breathe, alright! This one's your sentence, so read! If you're too stoned to read, and I know some of you are, then I want you to scream so loud that the whole city knows where you're at and that you're having good time!
Well, look who's back, and why haven't you left? Now, get your lighters and those cell phones out and hold 'em up high. Lighters up, cells up, wave 'em around. Okay, ready?
- [ringing power chord with cymbal]
- (optional blast of pyrotechnics)
Thank you, you've been an awesome bunch of readers. Good night [your city here]!