Rock and Roll

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{{Whoops|Rock and Roll (food)}}
 
{{Whoops|Rock and Roll (food)}}
[[Image:Jimmy-page.jpg|thumb|right|250px|A typical rock and roll "musician" as it were. It is unlikely that he understands even the most rudimentary music theory.]]
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[[Image:Jimmy-page.jpg|thumb|right|200px|A typical rock "musician" as it were. It is unlikely that he understands even the most rudimentary music theory.]]
'''Rock and Roll''' is a form of [[music]] performed by a small group of sufficiently [[drunk|inebriated]] or otherwise substance-influenced and talentless musicians, using instruments that were it not for the aid of electricity would sound like pained ostriches. Most broadly, it includes any kind of artless, bass-and-beat driven [[noise]] that is performed by a small number of semi-actual musicians and one drummer. The shortened name "''rock''" signifies that the music may as well be performed by stones, whether rolling or no.
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'''Rock music''' is a form of [[music]] performed by sufficiently [[drunk|inebriated]] or otherwise substance-influenced musicians, using instruments that, were it not for the aid of electricity, would sound like pained ostriches. Most broadly, it includes any kind of bass-and-beat driven [[noise]] that is performed by a group of semi-talented studio musicians and one drummer. The shortened name "''rock''" signifies that the music may as well be performed by stones, whether rolling or not.
   
Because of its pedestrian nature, rock music has been described as "the music of dunces", and it is possible to play perfectly acceptable rock music without any talent, training or [[intelligence]]. Amateur musicians in their homes perform the pieces with no less skill than the professionals who frequent the concert halls. Playing rock music requires no special skills, neither musical nor social, which sets it apart from real music, such as opera and symphony.
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Because of its pedestrian nature, rock music has been described as "the music of dunces", and it is possible to play perfectly acceptable rock without any talent, training, or [[intelligence]]. Indeed, amateur [[garage]]-based musicians perform their pieces with no less proficiency than those who frequent the concert halls. Playing rock music requires no special skills, neither musical nor social, which sets it apart from ''real'' music such as [[classical]], [[jazz]], and [["Weird Al" Yankovic|polka]].
   
==Types of Rock and Roll==
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==History==
Despite the fact that all rock music sounds like a stampede of hooved animals on a field of corrugated aluminum, silly people trying to sell rock and roll niche magazines to the [[marijuana]]-stupefied cretins that listen to it have attempted to categorize the differing styles of its ear-splitting tuneless caterwauling. What follows is a mind-boggling examination of the lengths these imbeciles go to in order to define some imagined distinction between types of their eardrum assaults.
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{{Wikipedia}}
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Discussing the "history" of rock music is much like discussing the history of last evening's dinner. Simply put: one day in the 1950s, some idiot banged on a drum, another idiot made unbearable noise on guitar, and still another wrote some drivel about a girl with candy or something. The white teenagers danced and said "Woah, daddy-o, this music is crazy!" Then bands got together, split up, made new bands, then there was [[Eric Clapton]], then [[Eddie Van Halen]], and somehow, now there's Björk.
   
[[Image:KLOS.jpg|thumb|right|250px|The utter and complete definition of the term "classic rock".]]
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==Mentality==
====Classic Rock====
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[[Image:Rock-and-roll.jpg|thumb|left|200px|The white teenagers danced.]]
Grossly misusing the term "''classic''", rock enthusiasts identify any music that was on the playlist rotation on [[Los Angeles]] radio station KLOS in the 1970s as "classic rock". It doesn't matter if it was any good, or if anyone remembers it. As long as KLOS played it, it is classic. This runs from the utterly talentless '''Styx''' to the pretentious and nonsensical '''[[King Crimson]]'''. Even '''[[Billy Joel]]''' fits here, so you can see how meaningless it really is. As Joel sang:
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Imagine if a group of foul-smelling circus sideshow freaks [[Cannibal Corpse|cannibalized]] each other while two feral apes beat on running chainsaws with giant [[bong|bongs]]. If you can maintain this image in your mind at all times, you can grasp the mindset of a typical [[rockstar]].
<blockquote>''...even if it's old junk, it's still rock and roll...''</blockquote>
 
How right he was. Classic rock artists include '''[[Trafficking|Traffic]]''', '''Journey''', '''Joan Jett''' and '''[[Beck]]'''.
 
   
====Hard Rock====
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Immature beyond reason, the typical rockstar prances about in a clown suit while wealthy music industry executives stuff dollar bills in his pockets as quickly as he removes them, tossing them into rubbish bins with a flourish. Several [[Groupie|skinny teenage girls]] then put their bosoms back into their halter tops and dive into the rubbish bins after the tossed dollars. Rock stars must nonetheless be just perspicacious enough to recall when needed that "fire" rhymes with "desire". Other than that, they are at liberty to behave with the [[Hedonism|least of decorum]].
For some reason, some people think a subgenre can be determined simply by the decibel level. Such is the case with the likes of '''[[Led Zeppelin]]''', '''[[Black Sabbath]]''', '''[[Deep Purple]]''' and '''[[Scorpions]]''' who, turned down a bit ([[Spinal Tap|maybe to 10]]), would fit into the above genre just fine. Other examples of hard rock artists are '''[[Ted Nugent]]''', '''[[AC/DC]]''', '''[[Aerosmith]]''', '''[[The Kinks]]''' and '''[[Beck]]'''.
 
   
====Heavy Metal====
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==Fundamentals of a rock band==
[[Image:Virginkiller2.jpg|thumb|250px|right|Pretentious, self indulgent, suspect, the artwork for Progressive Rock reflects the music in that it leaves most listeners thinking WTF?]]
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A rock band consists of one completely talentless guitarist (the "''rhythm guitar''"), one mostly talentless guitarist (the "''lead guitar''"), a tone-deaf bass player, a keyboardist who regardless of talent level is ignored, and one person oblivious to the entire notion of musicianship altogether banging mercilessly on an innocent set of drums with the requisite minimum of [[Def Leppard|one arm]]. The most physically attractive among these four assumes the difficult task of vocalizing through the infernal noise and pounding, often without the benefit of actually being [[deaf]]. Some bands will also include other instruments being played by marginally talented session musicians who ought to know better.
There is absolutely no difference between the genres called "''Heavy Metal''" and "''Hard Rock''". But if you tell that to the distinct performers who supposedly fit into the separate categories, they will [[Ozzy Osbourne|bite your head off]]. Heavy Metal artists include '''[[Metallica]]''', '''[[Pantera]]''', '''[[Stryper]]''' and '''[[Beck]]'''.
 
   
====Alternative Rock====
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==Genres==
Some people who perform rock and roll imagine for some reason that they are providing some kind of "''alternative''" to the eardrum pounding that everyone else is playing. However, they are not. No matter how you do it, three chords on two guitars and a bass, accompanied by unmusical thumping on the drums, is three chords on two guitars and a bass, accompanied by unmusical thumping on the drums. Still, however, because they turn their amplifiers down a bit and sing with actual notes (sometimes), they think it is a viable musical form. It is not. Most alternative artist names are monosyllabic words beginning with the letter "B". Examples of alternative artists are '''[[Björk]]''', '''[[Blur]]''', '''[[Bush]]''' and '''[[Beck]]'''.
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Even though all rock sounds like a stampede of hooved animals on a field of corrugated aluminum, business executives trying to market rock niche magazines categorize it into different genres. A list of rock genres shows the lengths they are willing to reach to hair-split terms about ear-splitting music.
   
====[[Psychedelic music|Psychedelic/Acid Rock]]====
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===Alternative rock===
As if this crowd needs any encouragement to get high on [[drugs|hallucinogens]], some rock and roll performers claim that doing so will enhance your appreciation for their practically random guitar twanging. Indeed, in some cases, it is not hard to believe that the utter balderdash that some of these freaks of nature call music might be more appreciated if you do irreparable damage to your neurological system. So artists performing [[psychedelic]] rock try to enforce the behavior so as to perpetuate their careers. Some of the artists who would have no career if it weren't for the availability of mind-altering substances are '''[[Punk Floyd|Pink Floyd]]''', '''[[The Grateful Dead]]''', '''[[Tiny Tim]]''' and '''[[Beck]]'''.
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Some rock artists, who turn their amplifiers down a bit and sing with more tasteful notes (sometimes), think that they are providing an "''alternative''" to the eardrum pounding that comprises every other genre of rock music. Most names of alternative rock artists are monosyllabic words beginning with the letter "B"; examples include [[Björk]], [[Blur]], [[Bush]], and [[Beck]].
   
====Progressive Rock====
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===Classic rock===
The unlistenable noisy nonsense that rock enthusiasts call "''[[progressive rock]]''" is certainly that, if by "''progressive''" you mean progressing from bad to worse. There is no end to the atonal meandering that these lunatics call music. Progressive rock is merely the same three-chord-two-guitar-and-a-bass-with-violent-thumping-for-a-drum-beat-plus-some-weird-keyboards as all other forms of rock, with the exception that one of the members of the band actually studied music a bit and decided he hated it so much that he would write songs that violated everything he was supposed to have learned, then bribed a violinist and a saxophonist from a bad local orchestra<ref>In fact "bad local orchestra" might be the name of some obscure progressive rock band somewhere. Probably [[Sweden]].</ref> into joining his so-called "band" and somehow convinced them to follow along in his incessant atonal meandering. So they do this for twenty-two minutes, because mercifully that's all that used to fit on one side of an [[record|LP]], and even then often nothing stopped some of them from filling four LPs with the same nonsense. Examples of progressive rock artists are '''[[Camel]]''', '''[[Jethro Tull]]''', '''[[Yes (band)|Yes]]''' and '''[[Beck]]'''.
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[[Image:KLOS.jpg|thumb|right|250px|The most common outlet for "classic rock".]]
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Classic rock is rock that is at least two decades old. It is played on "classic rock radio stations" and in apartments of pensioners who don't trust anything more modern than the phonograph record.
   
====Punk Rock====
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Although the word "classic" suggests that this genre is particularly good rock music, the above definition clarifies that it is simply particularly old rock music. Some may argue that anything two decades old that we still remember has to be moderately good, otherwise, we would have forgotten it (although those pensioners would not have). The problem with this argument is that classic rock includes several sub-genres that are anything ''but'' classic, namely:
[[Image:Avril-lavigne.jpg|thumb|right|250px|An early picture of Johnny Rotten.]]
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*Utterly Talentless Rock, such as Styx.
Punk rock was created in the late 1700s by [[The Wiggles]]. As hard as it is to imagine that there is a most horrible form of the ugly mess that is rock and roll, it must be stated emphatically about "''punk rock''". Achieving dizzying new heights in complete talentlessness, punk rock performers took the basic formula of rock, removed two of the three chords, got tattoos and piercings and practiced screaming tunelessly on tarmacs until they could be heard above the taxiing jetliners. Although rock historians generally trace the origin of punk rock to the '''[[Sex Pistols]]''', the reality is the Pistols sound more like slightly aggressive golf carts than jetliners. Actual examples of the cacophony that is punk rock include '''Black Flag''', '''The Cramps''' and, yes, '''[[Beck]]'''.<ref>Two songs from ''Odelay'', my friend.</ref>
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*Pretentious Nonsensical Rock; to-wit, [[King Crimson]].
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*Mostly-Impressive-to-Himself Rock, like [[Billy Joel]].
   
====Grunge====
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As classic rock includes even artists whose work is not two decades old, such as [[Nirvana]] and Beck, the term is useless unless you own a 50-watt radio station, your [[accountant]] tells you that "rebranding" is the only way forward, and your ad salesman with a dashiki has begun to serve his prison term for being a pusher.
For some reason, some people think that a subgenre can be defined merely by a geographical location in the rectum of a sweaty armpit. Such is the case with the likes of '''[[Pearl Jam]]''' and '''[[Soundgarden]]'''. Rock enthusiasts, probably because they are also all [[Star Trek]] fans, like to use the term "hailing" when saying a band is from somewhere.<ref>But not about anything else; you'll never hear them say, "Hello, I am hailing from Chicago".</ref> For this reason, all grunge bands are introduced as "hailing from [[Seattle]]". Despite the fact that no one can define the distinction between the terms "''grunge''" and "''hard rock''", this prejudice of geography leaves the likes of '''Collective Soul''', '''Live''' and '''Stone Temple Pilots''' without a genre, because they, unlike their grungy musical peers, didn't come from Seattle. Other artist hailing this way from Seattle are '''[[Nirvana]]''' and '''Alice in Chains'''.<ref>By the way, no matter how grungy Beck may sometimes get, this is the only genre he hasn't cracked. But this is only because he isn't from Seattle. My mum has my full virginity in her great nans massive mouldy cheesy VAGINA.</ref>
 
   
====Death metal====
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===Hard rock===
Oh, for crying out loud. I'm done with it.
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Hard rock is a genre only if one assumes that mere decibel level can define a genre. If so, the likes of [[Led Zeppelin]], [[Black Sabbath]], [[Deep Purple]], and the [[Scorpions]] who, turned down a bit ([[Spinal Tap|maybe to 10]]), would fit into this genre just fine. Other examples of hard rock artists are [[Ted Nugent]], [[AC/DC]], [[Aerosmith]], and [[The Kinks]].
   
There is absolutely no reason to go on with this drivel. It's all the same. Emo, Screamo, Ska, Goth, Indie, Pop, New Wave. My God, the list is endless. And it all sounds the same.
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===Heavy metal===
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There is absolutely no difference between the genres called "''heavy metal''" and "''hard rock''". But if you tell that to the distinct performers who supposedly fit into the separate categories, they will [[Ozzy Osbourne|bite your head off]]. Heavy metal artists include [[Metallica]], [[Pantera]], and [[Stryper]].
   
Amusingly, [[Wikipedia]]<ref>which unfairly removed my article on rock and roll under some baseless "bias" charge, so I had to bring it here</ref> lists no fewer than [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_rock_genres 95 subgenres of rock and roll] - a classic example of psychological compensating; trying to look more important than you are by over-stating the breadth of your scholarship. In real music, there are real distinctions. Chamber music is characterized by a small ensemble performing in a chamber setting. A quartet is four instruments. Symphonies are performed in large halls with large orchestras. Opera is performed on stage. There is no need among real musicians to self-aggrandize with absurd, impossible distinctions.
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===Black metal===
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[[Black metal]] is not really a genre of a music, but a term refering to [[Norway|Norwegian]] heavy metal bands who put more emphasis on dressing like goths and telling their parents they don't understand them than writing and playing music. Because of this, most black metal records are merely twenty minutes of [[static]] - dubbed "black noise" - recorded in a cave and released in limited vinyl-only quantities. One example of a [[African American|black]] metal band is Living Colour. Bands who play black metal music are Mayhem, Burzum and Bathory.
   
==Fundamentals of a Rock Band==
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===Grunge===
[[Image:Rock-band-2.jpg|thumb|right|250px|A generic "Rock Band" (called, apparently, ''Rock Band''...) performs a generic rock song.]]
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[[File:Aliceinchainsforshow.jpg|140px|thumb|left|There are no homeless people in Seattle, because they all end up becoming rockstars.]]
A rock band consists of one completely talentless guitarist (the "''rhythm guitar''"), one mostly talentless guitarist (the "''lead guitar''"), a tone-deaf bass player, a keyboardist who regardless of talent level is ignored, and one person oblivious to the entire notion of musicianship altogether banging mercilessly on an innocent set of drums with the requisite minimum of [[Def Leppard|one arm]]. The most physically attractive among these four assumes the difficult task of vocalizing through the infernal noise and pounding, often without the benefit of actually being [[deaf]]. Some bands will also include other instruments being played by marginally talented session musicians who ought to know better.
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[[Grunge]], known to [[smartass|some intellectuals]] as "heroin rock", is a genre defined not in terms of traits of the music but merely by living in [[Seattle]]. Bands such as [[Nirvana (brand)|Nirvana]], [[Pearl Jam]], [[Alice in Chains]], and [[Soundgarden]] are thus "grunge bands". Bands such as Collective Soul, Live, and [[Stone Temple Pilots]], despite having made a career ripping off of Seattle metal bands, are not "grunge bands" because they originated somewhere other than Seattle. Their music is therefore in no genre at all.
   
==The rock mentality==
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Grunge songs are often <s>out of time</s> written in unconventional time signatures, <s>out of tune</s> use alternate guitar tunings, <s>devoid of melody</s> use abrasive vocal techniques, and <s>lack any musical skill</s> favour emotion over complexity. Due to the homeless nature of grunge artists, many of them only have one finger on their fretting hand, resulting in more simplistic songs than the contemporary [[thrash metal]] scene. The [[bass guitar]] is thus a popular choice of instrument for grungers. While most grunge bands sing gloomy [[doom metal]] songs about [[depression]] and [[drugs]], Nirvana yell upbeat rock songs about rebellious teenagers and sticking it to [[the Man]] (and also, on occasion, [[Teen Spirit|deodorant]]). In contrast to other rock genres, only five grunge bands exist. If you are not any of these bands, you have no hope of being a grunge group.
Imagine if a group of foul-smelling circus sideshow freaks [[Cannibal Corpse|cannibalized]] each other while two feral apes beat on running chainsaws with giant [[bong|bongs]]. If you can maintain this image in your mind at all times, you can grasp the mindset of a typical rock and roll star.
 
   
Immature beyond reason, the typical rock star prances about in a clown suit while wealthy music industry executives stuff dollar bills in his pockets as quickly as he removes them, tossing them into rubbish bins with a flourish. Several [[Groupie|skinny teenage girls]] then put their bosoms back into their halter tops and dive into the rubbish bins after the tossed dollars. Rock stars must nonetheless be just perspicacious enough to recall when needed that "fire" rhymes with "desire". Other than that, they are at liberty to behave with the [[Hedonism|least of decorum]].
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To counter the flashy glam artists of the 80s, grunge is supposed to focus on music and not fashion, although strangely a band is only considered grunge if they dress a certain way: like a scruffy vagrant you would see sitting in a street corner dressed in dirty flannel jackets, ripped jeans and long, unwashed hair with a heroin needle.
   
[[Image:Rock-and-roll.jpg|thumb|left|200px|The white teenagers danced.]]
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===Post-grunge===
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As grunge began dying out, it divorced itself and splintered into two different genres of music - the dark and heavy sludgy metal elements went into custody of the appropriately named "sludge metal" genre, while whatever musical elements were left were completely discarded and never used again. Another genre to emerge from the rotting corpse of grunge is [[post-grunge]]. The name "post-grunge" comes not from any musical relation to grunge or ironic lack-thereof, but from the fact that [[Dave Grohl]] of popular post-grunge pioneers [[Foo Fighters]] once knew a man who lived next door to a man who played golf with the brother of Alice in Chains' replacement bassist Mike Inez. In order to qualify as a "post-grunge" band, one must play pop rock music in the late 1990s, and one must not be from Britain, or else you will instead qualify for the "Britpop" genre. Other popular post-grunge bands include [[Nickelback]], Green Day, and [[N'Sync|'NSYNC]].
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===Progressive rock===
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[[Progressive rock]] is merely the same three-chord-two-guitar-and-a-bass-with-violent-thumping-for-a-drum-beat as all other forms of rock, the exception that this genre makes use of futuristic synthesizers, [[orchestra|orchestral]] backing, 21/12 time signatures, and [[science fiction]] and/or libertarian themes. So they do this for twenty-two minutes, because that's all used to fit on one side of an [[record|LP]], and even then nothing's stopped some of them from filling four LPs with the same overlong material. Examples of progressive rock artists include [[Camel]], [[Jethro Tull]], and [[Yes (band)|Yes]].
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===Psychedelic/acid rock===
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As if this crowd needs any encouragement to get high on [[drugs|hallucinogens]], some rock performers claim that doing so will enhance your neurological system, so they created [[Psychedelic music|psychedelic rock]] to enforce the behavior so as to perpetuate their careers. Some of the artists who would have no career if it weren't for the availability of mind-altering substances are [[Punk Floyd|Pink Floyd]], [[The Grateful Dead]], and [[Tiny Tim]].
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===Rock 'n' roll===
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Rock 'n' roll is the grandaddy of all rock music. It was pioneered from a combination of genres such as blues, boogie woogie, jump blues, jazz, and gospel music. The term "rock 'n' roll" now has at least two different meanings, both in common usage: the first one is the '50s-style music with a piano and saxophone, and a [[Chuck Berry|black man]] singing about either making love or robins who play rock music. The second one basically refers to all rock music, similar to how all cattle are called "cows" despite only females being cows. Confusing, huh?
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===Punk rock===
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Achieving dizzying new heights in complete trashiness, punk rock performers take the basic formula of rock, remove two of the three chords, get tattoos and piercings, and scream tunelessly on tarmacs until they can be heard above the taxiing jetliners. Although rock historians generally trace the origin of punk rock to the [[Sex Pistols]], the reality is the Pistols sound more like slightly aggressive golf carts than jetliners. Actual examples of the cacophony that is punk include Black Flag, The Cramps, and [[The B-52s]]' first two albums.
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===Other genres===
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Queercore, [[emo]], screamo, ska punk, gothic rock, indie rock, pop rock, New Wave, also all sounds the same.
   
==The History of Rock & Roll==
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[[Wikipedia]] lists no fewer than [[WP:List of rock genres|223 subgenres]] of rock, a classic example of psychological compensating; that is, "trying to look more important than you are by over-stating the breadth of your scholarship." In real music, there are actual distinctions. Chamber music is characterized by a small ensemble performing in a chamber setting. A quartet is four instruments. Symphonies are performed in large halls with large orchestras. Opera is performed on stage. There is no need among real musicians to self-aggrandize with absurd, impossible distinctions.
The History of Rock and Roll is all rather [[Nobody cares|pointless]], isn't it? One day in the 1950s some idiot banged on a drum, another idiot made unbearable noise on guitar, and still another wrote some drivel about a girl with candy or something. The white teenagers danced and said "Woah, daddy, that music is crazy!" Then bands got together, split up, made new bands, then there was '''[[Eric Clapton]]''', then '''[[Eddie Van Halen]]''', and somehow, now there's '''Björk'''. Really, that covers the significant portions of the story. A style of music with a real history behind it would warrant a bit more, to be sure. This paragraph will suffice for the human failure that rock music is.
 
   
 
==Conclusion==
 
==Conclusion==
Apparently, I'm told, no article on rock and roll music is complete without some mention of [[The Doors]].<ref>At least I think that's what the guy in the rock music chat room I went to said. Someone else mentioned a... I think... some kind of bug or insect.... Whatever it was. They were all fairly stupid in there. Rock is for numbskulls and drug addicts. Glad to be done with it. Where's my Mendelssohn?</ref> So there it is. Oh, yes. And another brain-dead moron insisted on me mentioning another so-called band, but he kept asking ''me'' [[The Who|who]]. I'm done with it.
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No article on rock music is complete without some mention of [[The Doors]].
   
==Footnotes==
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So there it is.
<small><references/></small>
 
   
==See Also==
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==See also==
 
*[[Rockstar]]
 
*[[Rockstar]]
   

Latest revision as of 11:23, March 19, 2016

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Jimmy-page

A typical rock "musician" as it were. It is unlikely that he understands even the most rudimentary music theory.

Rock music is a form of music performed by sufficiently inebriated or otherwise substance-influenced musicians, using instruments that, were it not for the aid of electricity, would sound like pained ostriches. Most broadly, it includes any kind of bass-and-beat driven noise that is performed by a group of semi-talented studio musicians and one drummer. The shortened name "rock" signifies that the music may as well be performed by stones, whether rolling or not.

Because of its pedestrian nature, rock music has been described as "the music of dunces", and it is possible to play perfectly acceptable rock without any talent, training, or intelligence. Indeed, amateur garage-based musicians perform their pieces with no less proficiency than those who frequent the concert halls. Playing rock music requires no special skills, neither musical nor social, which sets it apart from real music such as classical, jazz, and polka.

edit History

Bouncywikilogo3
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Rock and Roll.

Discussing the "history" of rock music is much like discussing the history of last evening's dinner. Simply put: one day in the 1950s, some idiot banged on a drum, another idiot made unbearable noise on guitar, and still another wrote some drivel about a girl with candy or something. The white teenagers danced and said "Woah, daddy-o, this music is crazy!" Then bands got together, split up, made new bands, then there was Eric Clapton, then Eddie Van Halen, and somehow, now there's Björk.

edit Mentality

Rock-and-roll

The white teenagers danced.

Imagine if a group of foul-smelling circus sideshow freaks cannibalized each other while two feral apes beat on running chainsaws with giant bongs. If you can maintain this image in your mind at all times, you can grasp the mindset of a typical rockstar.

Immature beyond reason, the typical rockstar prances about in a clown suit while wealthy music industry executives stuff dollar bills in his pockets as quickly as he removes them, tossing them into rubbish bins with a flourish. Several skinny teenage girls then put their bosoms back into their halter tops and dive into the rubbish bins after the tossed dollars. Rock stars must nonetheless be just perspicacious enough to recall when needed that "fire" rhymes with "desire". Other than that, they are at liberty to behave with the least of decorum.

edit Fundamentals of a rock band

A rock band consists of one completely talentless guitarist (the "rhythm guitar"), one mostly talentless guitarist (the "lead guitar"), a tone-deaf bass player, a keyboardist who regardless of talent level is ignored, and one person oblivious to the entire notion of musicianship altogether banging mercilessly on an innocent set of drums with the requisite minimum of one arm. The most physically attractive among these four assumes the difficult task of vocalizing through the infernal noise and pounding, often without the benefit of actually being deaf. Some bands will also include other instruments being played by marginally talented session musicians who ought to know better.

edit Genres

Even though all rock sounds like a stampede of hooved animals on a field of corrugated aluminum, business executives trying to market rock niche magazines categorize it into different genres. A list of rock genres shows the lengths they are willing to reach to hair-split terms about ear-splitting music.

edit Alternative rock

Some rock artists, who turn their amplifiers down a bit and sing with more tasteful notes (sometimes), think that they are providing an "alternative" to the eardrum pounding that comprises every other genre of rock music. Most names of alternative rock artists are monosyllabic words beginning with the letter "B"; examples include Björk, Blur, Bush, and Beck.

edit Classic rock

KLOS

The most common outlet for "classic rock".

Classic rock is rock that is at least two decades old. It is played on "classic rock radio stations" and in apartments of pensioners who don't trust anything more modern than the phonograph record.

Although the word "classic" suggests that this genre is particularly good rock music, the above definition clarifies that it is simply particularly old rock music. Some may argue that anything two decades old that we still remember has to be moderately good, otherwise, we would have forgotten it (although those pensioners would not have). The problem with this argument is that classic rock includes several sub-genres that are anything but classic, namely:

  • Utterly Talentless Rock, such as Styx.
  • Pretentious Nonsensical Rock; to-wit, King Crimson.
  • Mostly-Impressive-to-Himself Rock, like Billy Joel.

As classic rock includes even artists whose work is not two decades old, such as Nirvana and Beck, the term is useless unless you own a 50-watt radio station, your accountant tells you that "rebranding" is the only way forward, and your ad salesman with a dashiki has begun to serve his prison term for being a pusher.

edit Hard rock

Hard rock is a genre only if one assumes that mere decibel level can define a genre. If so, the likes of Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, Deep Purple, and the Scorpions who, turned down a bit (maybe to 10), would fit into this genre just fine. Other examples of hard rock artists are Ted Nugent, AC/DC, Aerosmith, and The Kinks.

edit Heavy metal

There is absolutely no difference between the genres called "heavy metal" and "hard rock". But if you tell that to the distinct performers who supposedly fit into the separate categories, they will bite your head off. Heavy metal artists include Metallica, Pantera, and Stryper.

edit Black metal

Black metal is not really a genre of a music, but a term refering to Norwegian heavy metal bands who put more emphasis on dressing like goths and telling their parents they don't understand them than writing and playing music. Because of this, most black metal records are merely twenty minutes of static - dubbed "black noise" - recorded in a cave and released in limited vinyl-only quantities. One example of a black metal band is Living Colour. Bands who play black metal music are Mayhem, Burzum and Bathory.

edit Grunge

Aliceinchainsforshow

There are no homeless people in Seattle, because they all end up becoming rockstars.

Grunge, known to some intellectuals as "heroin rock", is a genre defined not in terms of traits of the music but merely by living in Seattle. Bands such as Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains, and Soundgarden are thus "grunge bands". Bands such as Collective Soul, Live, and Stone Temple Pilots, despite having made a career ripping off of Seattle metal bands, are not "grunge bands" because they originated somewhere other than Seattle. Their music is therefore in no genre at all.

Grunge songs are often out of time written in unconventional time signatures, out of tune use alternate guitar tunings, devoid of melody use abrasive vocal techniques, and lack any musical skill favour emotion over complexity. Due to the homeless nature of grunge artists, many of them only have one finger on their fretting hand, resulting in more simplistic songs than the contemporary thrash metal scene. The bass guitar is thus a popular choice of instrument for grungers. While most grunge bands sing gloomy doom metal songs about depression and drugs, Nirvana yell upbeat rock songs about rebellious teenagers and sticking it to the Man (and also, on occasion, deodorant). In contrast to other rock genres, only five grunge bands exist. If you are not any of these bands, you have no hope of being a grunge group.

To counter the flashy glam artists of the 80s, grunge is supposed to focus on music and not fashion, although strangely a band is only considered grunge if they dress a certain way: like a scruffy vagrant you would see sitting in a street corner dressed in dirty flannel jackets, ripped jeans and long, unwashed hair with a heroin needle.

edit Post-grunge

As grunge began dying out, it divorced itself and splintered into two different genres of music - the dark and heavy sludgy metal elements went into custody of the appropriately named "sludge metal" genre, while whatever musical elements were left were completely discarded and never used again. Another genre to emerge from the rotting corpse of grunge is post-grunge. The name "post-grunge" comes not from any musical relation to grunge or ironic lack-thereof, but from the fact that Dave Grohl of popular post-grunge pioneers Foo Fighters once knew a man who lived next door to a man who played golf with the brother of Alice in Chains' replacement bassist Mike Inez. In order to qualify as a "post-grunge" band, one must play pop rock music in the late 1990s, and one must not be from Britain, or else you will instead qualify for the "Britpop" genre. Other popular post-grunge bands include Nickelback, Green Day, and 'NSYNC.

edit Progressive rock

Progressive rock is merely the same three-chord-two-guitar-and-a-bass-with-violent-thumping-for-a-drum-beat as all other forms of rock, the exception that this genre makes use of futuristic synthesizers, orchestral backing, 21/12 time signatures, and science fiction and/or libertarian themes. So they do this for twenty-two minutes, because that's all used to fit on one side of an LP, and even then nothing's stopped some of them from filling four LPs with the same overlong material. Examples of progressive rock artists include Camel, Jethro Tull, and Yes.

edit Psychedelic/acid rock

As if this crowd needs any encouragement to get high on hallucinogens, some rock performers claim that doing so will enhance your neurological system, so they created psychedelic rock to enforce the behavior so as to perpetuate their careers. Some of the artists who would have no career if it weren't for the availability of mind-altering substances are Pink Floyd, The Grateful Dead, and Tiny Tim.

edit Rock 'n' roll

Rock 'n' roll is the grandaddy of all rock music. It was pioneered from a combination of genres such as blues, boogie woogie, jump blues, jazz, and gospel music. The term "rock 'n' roll" now has at least two different meanings, both in common usage: the first one is the '50s-style music with a piano and saxophone, and a black man singing about either making love or robins who play rock music. The second one basically refers to all rock music, similar to how all cattle are called "cows" despite only females being cows. Confusing, huh?

edit Punk rock

Achieving dizzying new heights in complete trashiness, punk rock performers take the basic formula of rock, remove two of the three chords, get tattoos and piercings, and scream tunelessly on tarmacs until they can be heard above the taxiing jetliners. Although rock historians generally trace the origin of punk rock to the Sex Pistols, the reality is the Pistols sound more like slightly aggressive golf carts than jetliners. Actual examples of the cacophony that is punk include Black Flag, The Cramps, and The B-52s' first two albums.

edit Other genres

Queercore, emo, screamo, ska punk, gothic rock, indie rock, pop rock, New Wave, also all sounds the same.

Wikipedia lists no fewer than 223 subgenres of rock, a classic example of psychological compensating; that is, "trying to look more important than you are by over-stating the breadth of your scholarship." In real music, there are actual distinctions. Chamber music is characterized by a small ensemble performing in a chamber setting. A quartet is four instruments. Symphonies are performed in large halls with large orchestras. Opera is performed on stage. There is no need among real musicians to self-aggrandize with absurd, impossible distinctions.

edit Conclusion

No article on rock music is complete without some mention of The Doors.

So there it is.

edit See also

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