Rock Wars of 2050

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“Give me Rock or, give me a Twinkie. I really don't care which.”

~ Fat punk on Rock

“Remeber that time when all the rockers got together and fought MTV and won and nine eleveeeeeeeeeen.”

~ Willie Nelson on making a song about rock

Contents 1 The Beginning 2 The Resistance 3 Destruction of the Moon 4 The Triple Alliance 5 Back to the Past 6 The Second Coming of Man Whose Name Starts With J 7 The Final Battle 8 The Survivors 9 The Aftermath 10 Fun Facts

[edit] The Beginning

In the spring of 2050, Viacom, and its poser television station MTV led a crusade to crush Rock & Roll once and for all! There were various attempts to destroy Rock & Roll before, including the assassination of John Lennon, the transformation of Genesis from an ultra-prog rock band into a pop act, or the much more recent assasinations of Cliff Burton and Dimebag Darrell in a try to destroy Metallica and Pantera, the brain-washing of the MTV hating Nirvana to pollute the rock gene pool, which failed when Cobain broke free of the mind-control squid and shot himself, and the planned Irish revolt against Dave Mustaine and Megadeth. MTV, leading the crusade used its master general, Carson Daly to commanded the Grand Army of Popular Music. These armies contained various legions, including the "Pimp Rappa's," the "Teenboppers," the "Popular Punks," there was always a reinforcement legion of "The Alternative Crowd." However, the most feared of the legions were the legendary fighters "The Emo Kids." Armies of 14 year-old girls with cut wrists, bad rappers, "punk" rockers, and various others frequently shown on MTV set out to purge the planet of all things rock. Under the watchful command of Generals Avril Lavigne and Bam Margera, they forced the few remaining rock bands underground. They joined forces with Heavy Metal, which had been underground since the crippling effect of Nirvana. As powerful as Viacom, and its various cable network underlings were, the underground was a force that, much like lice and Ray Mears, were hard to kill. These rock bands became known as the tr00 warriors, named this by the members of the Hard Rock and Heavy Metal Council, it was in remembrance of the Classic Rock warriors that had upheld all things awesome in the Seventies.

[edit] The Resistance

As large, and as protected the underground was, the remaining Rock and Roll bands knew that they had to save the souls of millions of would be rockers. With nothing left but hope, rocker Steven Tyler assembled a ragtag group of rock guerillas, including Whitesnake, Trent Reznor, Keith Richards, Iron Maiden (Who where helping just because they wanted to), Motley Crue, Slash, Alice Cooper, Dave Mustaine, Black Sabbath, ZZ Top, Motorhead, Van Halen, Kiss, Deep Purple, AC/DC and at the very end, Avenged Sevenfold as well as the remaining members of the Pantera (all still freaking hammered, of course). They conducted nearly nightly raids on Carson Daily's mobile death fortress on the Moon. Tragedy first struck when Carson's 2nd in command, Admiral Eminem struck down Lars Ulrich during a botched koala bear bombardment. Although it was a glorious day for the sound quality of snare drums, the loss of a warrior who represented so much in percussive creativity was devastating. But then again, Ulrich had been a nag anyway (see Napster), but at least he did not play a "Hard-ass Metaller" facade like, say Disturbed or Slipknot. Nevertheless, the rock guerillas soon struck back, under the command of generals Slash and Angus Young, due to the death of general Steven Tyler who was murdered by Sir Paul McCartney and Bono who were once part of the resistance but switched sides for unknown reasons (see section "people who ran out of creativity" for more information), by cornering and applying an atomic wedgie to Justin Timberlake. Tommy Lee, who had been a fan of Ulrich's music, decided that this was not enough. So he, along with Nikki Sixx and Mick Mars, stormed an MTV2 outpost under the command of Admiral Rihanna. While Mick held off the preppy girls under her command, Tommy used his manly charm to seduce Rihanna into bed, where Nikki continually smashed a T-Bird on her head. Nuclear Assault Testament,Sepultura with the Cavalera Brothers And Overkill lead several guerillas, including the famous battle against Limp Bizkit Korn and Eminem, Where John Conelly Shoved his Gibson Flying V up Fred Dursts ass while brandmate Lilker and That awesome drummer released their fooking fury, while overkill preformed their insane overkill techniques to destroy korn, Chuck billy and Eric Peterson Was dueling Eminem and his D.j Resulting in peterson Bashing the D.Js skull with an amazing solo on his Dean after billy bitt Eminems head off. These early battles toughened the resistance, showed them what was necessarily. But the war would still drag on. General Young was brutally killed on the same day whilst duelling his brainwashed brother Malcolm Young, who unexpectedly turned Super Saiyan just as Angus was about to deliver the killing blow. Angus attempted to keep up, with the Super Saiyan, but that set his fingers on fire, putting him in too much pain to continue the battle. Malcom than belted out an awesome solo at the defenseless Angus, Gutting him and exploding his head. Malcolm than claimed The SG Of Legend as his own. (Which turned him 5000000000000 times Super Saiyan.)

With global situations growing worse by the day for The Resistance, General Slash ordered an excursion into the caves of Old Italy to find the Archwizard Ronnie James Dio, the last of the Prophets. The mission was to be carried out in the Still of the Night, so naturally General Slash ordered Whitesnake to lead the expedition. They set off with Def Leppard and Thin Lizzy to locate Dio. Along the way they encountered some resistance in the form of 50 Cent and other rap artists who nobody had ever heard of because they're all shit, but fortunately Phil Lynott (somehow alive again; historians are debating how this occurred) and Thin Lizzy summoned Thunder and Lighting to destroy the rap artists. The mere sound of decent music, and the resulting thunderstorm, blew all the rap artists to shreds, and so the merry expeditionary force headed on. However, the Still of the Night proved too dark, even for Whitesnake to see through, and the group got lost. Def Leppard offered to help by lending the group their Rocket, but upon this offer all of the band members suddenly transformed into deaf leopards. This, after a bit of a sing-song, a few beers, and many women, was decided to be the fault of Pendulum, an evil Drum N' Bass band. Immediately, the groups gave Dio a call on the phone, left him a message saying they were "coming to find him but might be late", and hunted Pendulum down. After searching for Pendulum to restore the useless band of deaf leopards into Def Leppard again, Whitesnake and Thin Lizzy located Pendulum, hiding away in a hole in the ground near Tikrit, Iraq. Whitesnake and Thin Lizzy joined forces, riffed off together, but Pendulum fought back. It was a tough, laborious fight, with members of each band and one of the deaf leopards injured, but after intense fighting, rock proved victorious and Pendulum were crushed. The deaf leopards transformed back into Def Leppard, and, joined by Whitesnake and Thin Lizzy, boarded a rocket flown by Joe Elliot, headed for "Dio's Not-So-Secret-Secret-Cave".

Dio knew the locations of the descendants of the first rock band. Dio, who at this point had mastered the powers of fire, wind, ice, and being very short, used his dark powers to call forth the mythical rockers from the far corners of the earth. A blinding light then engulfed the excursion party and a stairway from heaven appeared, and a band, none other than Led Zeppelin, walked down. With their lackey Chris Cornell, whom they'd send out to buy them their daily regiment of liquor and LSD. With the sheer destructive force of Led Zeppelin and the black magic of Dio at their side, it seemed as if the Resistance would finally get their break (and Jack Daniel's Tennessee Whiskey). Many legendary metal bands were instilled with hope for their cause when they saw Led Zeppelin descend from heaven, including Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Maiden,Manowar and the remaining members of Pantera (With Zakk Wylde on guitar duties filling in for Dimebag Darrell). They held reunion tours around the world and slaughtered millions of emos.

As a side note, it should be noted (hence the note, making this part of the sentence completely unnecessary) that Tyler created an elite group early on consisting of Slash, Brian May, and ZZ Top, who together, managed to destroy Malcolm Young and reclaim The SG Of Legend. However, this much hair was deemed way to dangerous to keep in one place as memories of the horrible Chin Battle between Bruce Campbell and Jay Leno resurfaced. The group was completely disbanded, though not before the destruction of Saturn. Why Saturn was destroyed, no one knows, that's just the way it was. Now move on to the next paragraph, asshole.

[edit] Destruction of the Moon

With their newfound allies, The Resistance led a large scale assault on Carson Daily's moon base. However, Carson had a surprise of his own, countering the attack with Fall Out Boy and Avril Lavigne. After a long and drawn out battle, Led Zeppelin, With Jimmy Page on The SG Of Legend, held down MTV's forces, having the rest of the Resistance flee, as Zep would self destruct, blowing up the moon, as well as destroying Carson, his minions and The double-necked SG Of Legend. After a tearful goodbye, General Slash led his forces back to Earth, alive thanks to the valient efforts of Led Zeppelin. However, they could not rest long, as it had turned out that the Carson on the moon was only a clone!

Realizing his masters had been tricked, Chris Cornell at this point became a nomad warrior, who would avenge the deaths of Led Zeppelin, by sneaking into the UN Global Headquarters located in Bel-Air, California. There, he swiftly assassinated Fresh President of the World (and MTV lackey) Will Smith. However, he would not escape alive, as he was afterwards captured by MTV authorities who interrogated him for days for the location of the base of General Slash and his men. After 13 days, Carson himself appeared, offering him amnesty if he would divulge the location of the base of The Resistance. Cornell simply smiled, and said "I know what to do... I'm gonna fuck... fuck... fuck... fuck you..." before Carson unceremoniously shot him in the forehead.

[edit] The Triple Alliance

After their defeat at the battle of the Moon, Daly created a pact with Colin Powell and John Travolta that allowed them to bring back Disco. Fortunately, the undead portal also allowed Sid Vicious, Glenn Danzig (Misfits era), Johnny Ramone, and Joe Strummer (all the REAL punk rockers), , Randy Rhoads, Keith Moon, John Lennon, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Cliff Burton, and Dimebag Darrell, to come back too. They agreed to form an Alliance of Death with Black Sabbath and Judas Priest and get rid of disco just like they did in the 70's. The Who And The Rolling Stones tried to take disco down by invading it with Rock-n-Roll to no avail, so by the time the 70's was over with, Ozzy Osbourne and his elite band of Generals decided to 'bring em home. This was good, because Disco sucks. Like, a lot. All the guys back then were real girls, not cool girls like Motley Crue and stuff like that. So yeah, that wasn't that hard.

[edit] Back to the Past

Kurt Cobain was soon resurrected by MTV as Zombie-Cobain and sent him back in time with explicit instructions to reform Nirvana and not kill himself this time, so he may destroy rock and roll before Keith Richards would be able to assemble his band of freedom fighters, thus bringing victory to MTV. In retaliation, The Resistance sent the Motor City God of Rock Ted Nugent back in time to deal with this menace. In a climactic battle, Ted crashed a Nirvana concert and played 'Wang Dang Sweet Poontang,' which brought Zombie-Cobain to his senses. Awakened from his MTV brainwashing, he knew what he had to do. Zombie-Cobain heroically shot himself in the head with a shotgun (much like Courtney Love did in his previous life). Also going back in time was the recently reincarnated Dimebag Darrell, along with his brother Vinnie Paul Abbott. The Duo then began to crash as many grunge concerts as they could, including Pearl Jam, Generation X, and Soundgarden. This was ineffective, so Buckethead was summoned and he played Spider-Crawl with John Entwistle on bass and giant spiders attacked and maliciously killed these non-rockers. This, along with Cobain's heroism, bought precious time for Rock and Roll.

[edit] The Second Coming of Man Whose Name Starts With J

The Resistance was weary, and its last hope lay with the chance that the large Rock & Roll section of VH1 could pull through for them. But MTV was watching its sister closly, and the moment it saw a chance that a Rock person at VH1 was doing something to help the rockers, they were eliminated. Carson Daily soon ordered the replacing of VH1's rock section with more Celebreality shows, a gimic the channel had been running for almost half a century. With their last hope crushed by the Carson Daily's iron fist, the Resistance feared that it would just fade away into the underground, and never be seen again by the likes of someone who doesn't spent countless hours listening to music or admiring James Hetfield's dick, and surfing music websites. But Alice Cooper had an idea. He used his witch powers to channel a signal through a group of death and blackmetalheads, right to Satan. Satan, who was a fan of Cooper's work (Feeding My Frankenstein had helped him quite a lot when he decided to get a Frankenstein Monster as a pet), then connected him with God, who turned out to be a Prog rocker (Which explains the existence of many, many things). God decided that MTV had to be crushed and that Rock & Roll should prevail so he arranged for Jimi Hendrix to be brought back to life. He also let Gandhi go too, because God was getting quite annoyed by him, as that little Indian is quite annoying. C'thulhu,who had also gotten the message, restored Lars Ulrich and Cliff Burton to life due to the publicity he got from them. The Resistance had hope. Jimi used his guitar playing, now even better after studying with many other dead artists, to summon the spirits of many fallen rockers, including that of Syd Barrett, Rick Wright, the original line-up of Lynyrd Skynyrd and Zach De La Roacha (WAIT!!! he is not dead!!!(oh yeah his career is...)). Jimi set up an appointment with MTV's legions to have a Final Battle.

[edit] The Final Battle

The final battle began on the barrens of Old Hollywood. MTV had set up many defenses throughout the battlefield. Master General Carson himself was commanding the legions of MTV. General Akon, now second in command after the death of General Eminem after his fight with Chuck Billy, had stationed his battalion of bad rappers at the end of the Sunset Strip. General Slash had placed the bulk of his forces inside the strip itself. He, along with Dio, Alice Cooper, Yngwie Malmsteen and Steve Vai had to keep the strip under the resistances control. The bands Metallica, Anthrax, Slayer, Thrashold,Sepultura,Exodus,Kreator,Megadeath and Testament snuck up the hill to the Hollywood sign and caught General Avril Lavigne by surprise. What followed was a huge fight between the greatest Thrash Metal-ists and the most annoying songwriter in history. Lynyrd Skynyrd (the entire band, for God also let them go too) held down all of G-Unit in a glorious feat which included Gibson SG's, three buses, a plane, a trained eagle, and 24 Macadamia Nuts. Then, out of the horizon a lone knight appeared. The resistances saw this and were given hope. But on closer look it was realized that the knight was indeed the one true savior Axl Rose! General Slash then rode out to meet the once almighty whom had fallen, passing to him the key to Chinese Democracy, the monster that could save the world and end the war. Axl snake danced past the bullets and the electric shreds but no! He was taken down by the traitorous Tommy Thayer, a mere private in the ranks of rock. Gene Simmons quickly disposed of his former ally by impaling him on his own guitar, after trusting Gene and being put under the spell of the tongue. As Gene carried the Rose, MTV sent the Jonas Brothers into the battle. Their crappy singing voices killed Peter Crisis and Paul Stanley, but Ace Frehley made manage to kill two of the Jonas Brothers with a rousing rendition of Shock Me. Unfortunately, Ace self destructed after singing this wonderful song. Gene Simmons disemboweled the last Jonas Brother with his axe bass guitar. MTV then brought forth a new champion. MTV created a giant mechanical Christina Aguilera that created fear throughout the cosmos. However, suddenly a bright light in the shape of three inter-twinning circles appeared in the sky with great aura. Four bright CD's of all new material then dropped out of the sky like an atomic bomb. Aguilera, having no idea what this sign in the sky meant, meanwhile walked over to them and attempted to pick them up, when she was suddenly assimilated into what came to be the almighty Chinese Democracy appearing from the sky, all was silent as Slash unleashed it upon the earth, piercing with it's guitar driven melodies and Buckethead like ownage. The fallen lord (Rose) then gathered what was left of the resistance and in remembrance of the sacrifice of his rock compadres led a full on assault backed by the mighty monster known as Chinese Democracy. General Carson Daly was immediately pulled into submission by the punishing riffs of Rose's siren like screams whilst Slash pounded upon General Akon, crushing his pathetic rap attack with a raw guitar solo. In the dying embers of the battle the juggernauting monster Chinese Democracy, Rose and Slash set their sights upon MTV, with privates Sorum and McKagan and field marshall Stradlin unleashed the ultimate weapon, the forbidden, totally we should not be playing this live "One In A Million", MTV swarmed by the backlash and angry critics over the song being played, ran away. Their retreat was cut off by Glenn Tipton, KK Downing, Adrian Smith, Dave Murray, Janick Gers, Yngwie Malmsteen, Steve Vai, Joe Satriani and, the resurrected Dimebag Darrel. They played so fast that the rest of MTV's army exploded. The few survivors of MTV hid among the bodies of their fallen comrades only to be betrayed by its much cooler sibling MTV2, who angrily smashed a guitar into a 350 stack amp, the raw electrical discharge, combined with Rose and Slash's aural assault, imploded MTV upon impact. Rock had prevailed.....because the infighting had finished. All was well in the land of rock, and someday the bastard son of MTV, MTV Hits, vowed vengeance.

Shortly after, MTV Hits was born and struck fear into the hearts of our heroes. But all of a sudden, Eddie Van Halen came out of a volcano with the Frankenstrat of Hope and played eruption. While he did this volcanoes around the world erupted, destroying nearly all of MTV Hits's army.

The remainder of the army was destroyed in an operation led by General Dickinson (with his elite unit, Iron Maiden) and King Crimson

[edit] The Survivors

Sadly, the war took most of our heroes' lives, and there were only a few known survivors...that we know of. The survivors included General Slash and Corporal Trent Reznor. The other survivors were Mick Jagger and Keith Richards, who have been rejected by both heaven and hell, Paul McCartney (was being beaten by his wife at the time and could not join the resistance until the end), Michael Angelo Batio and John Lennon, who had to come back from the dead because the rockers were getting their ass kicked by MTV's secret weapon Carson Daily (who is not funny at all by the way). Ozzy and Friends traveled to Tokyo where they created a new Hear N' Aid with the other survivors of the war. Dio, getting mad that Ozzy copied his idea, hired Gene Simmons to press charges. The outcome was the copyright infringement wars of 2051. Tony Iommi also survived by creating a 'safe zone' around himself inside which all chavs, (c)rappers, posers, emo kids, MTV warriors etc. perished in slow and painful ways due to the Power of the Original Riff. Also found in this zone after the war was the injured Rob Halford, who had heroically single-handedly murdered every single member of Slipknot. Finally, there was Buckethead, whom played a key role for the Resistance. He had heard of secret plans for MTV to release the army's of Britney Spears and the Baldwomen, and Ashlee Simpson and her frightening LipSynchers. Buckethead stopped them days before they were about to attack the resistance head on. He summoned the spirits of dead chickens to fight them, and eventually got pissed and transformed into a giant robot and smashed....everything. Nowadays, Buckethead operates Bucketheadland with Les Claypool, one whom did not participate in the wars because he felt like it. Sheer awesome allowed Joe Perry to resurrect General Tyler. Van Halen also lived through the war. And so did The Ramones, The Clash, and every other Punk Band known to man.

There are, however, stories about more survivors of the war, thought we don't know if they are true or not, we always hope.

Ted Nugent is rumored to still be alive after his adventures in the past. Some say he encased himself in solid uranium at the South Pole, where he is sleeping in case another evil force threatens Rock and Roll again in the future. Some say he got the cat scratch fever. However, nobody knows for sure...

Also the four kings of Thrash metal with their thrash sons bands did not die after the final battle. They were raised to heaven just like Mother Mary was and forever thrash with Jesus, who is a huge fan of the Slayer album "God hates us all".

Despite the fact that they pretty much killed each other, Angus Young and brother, (no longer Super Sayan Malcolm Young, were resurrected, because they're AC/DC, I mean come on, if God only let one go AC/DC wouldn't be here today with their new album touring...

Radiohead was still recording their seventh album, Crazy-eyed Angsty Guy in 2050, therefore they did not participate in the war. It was because Johnny Greenwood was screwing up his telecaster and Thom Yorke was busy looking for a drum machine in the intrawebs.

Motorhead got a new album out. Ace of Base.

Guns N' Roses embarked on the Survivor tour of 2052, selling out stadiums with their stories of rock and triumph.

Thin Lizzy did survive the conflict, but unfortunately Phil Lynott was brutally struck down and killed by Jay-Z. (the death of Lynott was, however, avenged, as John Sykes smashed many a Les Paul against Jay-Z's face). As a form of gratitude, the surviving band members of Thin Lizzy asked Sykes to tour with them.

Whitesnake and Def Leppard each pulled through, and as true victors, decided to go for a tour together in 2058. However, the war had taken a slight toll on Coverdale's and Elliot's voices - but who cares? They still rock!

Led Zeppelin is rumored to be out there still, telling stories of the war to the far off inhabitants of villages that can be found Over The Hills And Far Away. there have been a few reports of the greatest warriors who destroyed themselves to keep rock great, but... Wherever they are, we know they are the best and will never forget them. God and Satan have been a couple of the reporters, seeing that Led Zeppelin created them and is able to come and go as they please.

And after all this mayhem, every rock band came together and played one final version of Live and Let Die. Paul McCartney was pissed because he claimed that it was his song, but John Lennon became The Walrus and killed him.

Iron Maiden survived, but was driven into near obscurity. Rumour has it that they are re-gathering in strength for a final sweep after the fight to clear up any MTV resistance, under the command of General Dickinson.

The Who survived; however, Keith Moon was made to go back to the lobby for re-judgment. John Entwistle was subsequently captured by Aragog, king of the spiders, for involving the spider race in a war that was not theirs to fight. He is still being held prisoner somewhere in the Forbidden Forest. Pete Townshend and Roger Daltrey have grown in closeness since the departure of their bandmates and continue to tour despite the fact that they are old.

Lynyrd Skynyrd come from the Dark Abyss to hold the biggest rock concert of all time. Every rock band from 1940 on was there, whether their members were dead or alive. At the end of the concert, all the bands came together onstage and played a 365 days, 9 hours, and 12 minute long version of Free Bird. And as an encore a 365 days, 9 hours, and 12 minute long version of Sweet Home Alabama.

Even the legendary Prog-Rockers of old, King Crimson, Yes and Pink Floyd somehow managed to free themselves of their self-imposed philosophical isolation which lasted through most of the War and played mindbogglingly difficult and virtuosic guitar, mellotron, synth, drum and bass solos, to get rid of the last traces of commercial music.

ROCK WILL PREVAIL!

[edit] The Aftermath

• Christina Aguilera is the 52nd daughter of Oscar Wilde.
• Jim Morrison merged with Kim Thayil and became Super Mohammed
• Mohammed is danish.
• Osama Bin Laden and George Bush own MTV.
• Osama Bin Laden and his band, My Chemical Jihad release their first single.
• The meaning of MTV in Chinese is ['the other circle', 'http://flororojo.foros.st']
• Metallica are tr00 again.
• Buckethead changed his name to Jordan in the Night Of The Slunk because We Are One.
• The prophet Axl Rose returned to claim the land that was not his in the first place.
• An upcoming rocker named Dave J found Led Zeppelin and they taught him well, so he was allowed to tour with them, along with his friend Frankie L.
• General jhoc jacob performed the master of puppets solo using his teeth while drinking chuckvidal!
• shitknot/slipcock died, the first theory was that they realized that they suck and they sound like a dog having a diarrhea, the second theory is that they saw something.............., they saw a chocoBATOK! :P

[edit] Fun Facts

• Johnny Knoxville is in fact 3 plates of spaghetti.
• No animals (except Bono) were harmed in the making of this war.
• Willie Nelson was stoned to death for writing a song in support of rock. (and no rocks were used in his stoning. Just Marijuana.
• The only war with positive repercussions.
• Sleater-Kinney is in fact the name of the pope.
• Buckethead became the god of Jordan and The night of the slunk because We are one.
• \m/
• \m/,
• Black Sabbath became huge. No, seriously. They grew, like, 18 feet tall. Except Ronnie James Dio. He shrunk.
• Axl Rose came out of hiding and unleashed Chinese Democracy on the world. He did, and it killed in a mass onslaught of blood and guitars.
• The Darkness Believe in a thing called Love. As do I.
• Support group SOHMD (Survivors of the Hair Metal Days) was formed By fellow bands Tesla and Poison to support fellow Rock Soldiers (Ace is back and he told you so). The group was formed to preserve the rites of SEX, DRUGS, AND ROCK-N-ROLL by providing the basic needs of the men that fought so hard: hair extensions (thanks a lot, Bret Michaels), Reality Shows(oh no, not another Rock of Love-The Geriatric Bus) and Groupies(not another Tawney Kitaen). So please watch your local PBS station for the next campaign (they do it for the 60's and 70's music) and give. A musician's mind is a terrible thing to waste...Hey, they were already wasted, so scratch that idea.
• No one knows about Emo