Rock Band (video game)

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Rock Band.
“If the strum bar wasn't so gay I could totally get a 100% on "Green Grass".”
~ Oscar Wilde on Rock Band
“Rock Band isn't a ripoff of guitar hero. The guys who created Guitar Hero moved on to create Rock Band... but wait, Guitar Hero was still first on the market, so I guess they're ripping off themselves... D'ah, my head!”
~ That Guy on Paradoxes

Rock Band, also known as Drum Hero, is a video game created by Harmonix and published by EA with the cooperation of Satan and Vin Diesel. Release date for Xbox 360 and Playstation 3 versions of the game is November 23, 2007, and Judgement Day for Europe. It is also scheduled to be released on the Wii, but a year and a half later than the European version, and with worse graphics and a bad online system. Oh and some people think Guitar Hero 3 is going to outsell Rock Band or be more successful, but that's not true. Rock Band creators are known to make up fictional bands to promote the game, the last of such is one they called The Beatles, solely created for the promotion of the game.

Setlist

Rock Band is a very original game that came from practically out of nowhere and surprised anyone stupid enough to think The Dark Knight sucked. It utilizes a unique feature called star power Overdrive which makes the virtual crowd go wild. Think of it as steroids for your plastic guitar. It's poorly designed to offer the full experience of being in a real band to you and your untalented friends. That's right, you get to experience it all for yourself: the drugs, the women (and every drunk encounter here and there maybe a dude), but most importantly the eyeliner. This game is like Spinal Tap taken to the next level, so if you're ready to crank it up to eleven, stay inside all day, and lose every friend you have, head to the nearest Best Buy and grab a copy of Rock Band.

The game allows all wannabe rockers to play on four different difficulties. Easy is for handicapped children, amputees, pets, fetuses, and Paris Hilton. Medium is for beginners or washed-up rockers like Brett Michaels. Hard is for younger children with no lives , while expert demolishes the lives of people over 11. Like Guitar Hero, Legendary is also a difficulty that can be accessed after successfully beating the game on Expert. Legendary can also only be played if every instrument is occupied by an individual. You'll notice in this difficulty setting, new colors will flash on the screen in a rainbow fashion, completely blinding all players while the game dishes out loud frequency noise that will drop any player to the floor, scrambling to hit any button they can (This is because all songs are automatically set to Rick Astley song covers when the Legendary difficulty is chosen). The drummer should still be able to hit the bass pedal. Even if you turn the volume down on your TV set, the video console overrides this, and auto puts the volume on max, just in case you were trying to wimp out. Once any song ends, as do the epilepsy inducing lights, and ear destroying frequency noise. If your friends are dumb enough, you can attempt any other song on Legendary, or click retry, since it's obvious you'll never beat any song.

In addition to these five modes there is a sixth mode known as Chuck Norris mode, which players need to roundhouse kick every single note in a song in order to complete. Currently no one but Chuck Norris himself has been able to unlock this mode, though it is rumored that a paper containing the cheat code is buried somewhere underneath his beard.

Unfortunately, Guitar Hero 3 was released approximately .056 milliseconds before Rock Band and was quickly bought by every nerd in the United States. Nerds made up more than 99.9934564974567% of Rock Band's demographic, and the game only sold two copies. Guitar Hero 3, on the other hand, achieved a Guinness world record in "most sales by a music guitar peripheral game that sucks balls but still sells".

Difficulties

  • Super Specially Mentally Challenged - One note. You don't even have to hit it either. In fact, you get more points if you don't hit it. Be aware, this is only for the people who decided that threatening to kill a President is safer then eating a piece of toast outside.
  • Special - One note, one time. Can you hit it and make the crowd love you, or will you miss it and fail at life?
  • Super Easy - Cranking it up, this is: one note, twice. Bring that shit on.
  • Easy - Three different notes and a lot of time to hit them. This level is only difficult for people with no rhythm whatsoever, which means that it'd be pretty funny if you could get them to dance with the music, too.
  • Medium - Too hard for people on easy, too simple for anyone who can actually play an instrument. Medium is good for people who can beat easy or any level below it, but not good for people who can't actually play hard.
  • Hard - For people who think that they rock but can't actually manage expert. Also for people who think medium is just too easy.
  • Expert - If you can play expert, and you don't actually play an instrument, you need to be thankful. If you do play on expert and play an instrument, then go fuck yourself with a guitar (or drumsticks for those with small buttholes). You win.
  • Legendary - If you, and your friends are all blind and deaf, give it a shot. DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME, KIDS!
  • Super Legendary - Same as "Legendary", but you can't touch any of the instruments, or they will electrocute you.
  • Super-Duper Legendary - Same as "Super Legendary", but after playing the instruments while they are electrocuting you the instruments are on fire, and the plastic is melting onto your flesh.
  • Super Duper Dibilier Legendary - Same as "Super Duper Legendary", but the instruments set you on fire as well.
  • Chuck Norris Mode - In this mode you have to roundhouse kick every single note and not miss one. FOR ASIAN KIDS/CHUCK NORRIS ONLY!

Peripherals

Rock Band will be available in a bundle, which includes the game, a toy mic, one toy guitar, and one set of toy drums that is guaranteed to malfunction within 20 nanoseconds of being set up at a Best Buy kiosk since small children are encouraged to whack them repeatedly with sticks. With these toy instruments you will be able to recreate the same sounds a real band makes, except no one'll care! That's just plain swell.

Unfortunately for you, they left out the other guitar. This was supposed to be a four player game, but it's not, because the bundle sucks. You get to go buy another one. Separate peripherals will cost you another $79, or you could just give up and go buy the first two Guitar Hero games.

Soundtrack

The Rock Band soundtrack consists of only one song, and it is "Silver" by The Pixies. Due to the intense difficulty of this song, none of the fans have yet complained (due to the fact that only two people have the game and they are both nerds). I kid you not when I say that very few people have managed to gold star this beast on the drums. The bass line is very rough, and as Harmonix loves to bash bassists, they made the song exactly the same on all difficulties. The guitar part is so fast in this song that you can't hear it and also not play it. And the singing... well you just can't sing this. Even though this track has the difficulty you thought belonged to Guitar Hero, people are not bashing the game. In fact, people love the song so much that a lot of them, including super shredder George Dubya Bush (one of the two nerds that have the game), have said "If silver was a real object I'd make love to it."

Sequel

It is rumored that a sequel to Rock Band will never be released. We recommend you to not get Rock Band 2. After all, Guitar Hero World Tour is a piece of shit. The recent video game list came in and it has just been confirmed that nothing will beat Rock Band in the video game sales. America had had enough tragedies like 9/11 and Hurricane Katrina, so why does Activision have to keep buying all the good games and making them suck?

Dear god! They're making Lego Rock Band!

Scientist have confirmed if Activision buys out the hit series rock band, the world will internally explode. After so Chuck Norris will kill any survivors that have managed to float through space without an atmosphere. Also Activision will release a crappy version of Rock Band, and the world will explode again.

Controversy

Being good at this game is said to help you get laid in College, and parties worldwide where this game is played. This is false. Instead most individuals are beaten and raped with the guitars and the drum sticks, and consequently found beating their own instruments in their dorms. The mic also works perfectly as an anal probe, resulting in people hearing the singer scream for miles around.

It is also believed being good at Rock Band automatically makes you efficient at playing REAL instruments. This is false. A self proclaimed band simply known as "Rock Band " attempted to play on stage during Ozzfest 2007. They were beat, with REAL guitars, and REAL drum sticks, while Axl Rose used his microphone as an anal probe on the proposed singer. Later Axl was recorded saying he was jealous, that he could never hit the high note that singer did during that stunt.

See Also

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