Robot Wars

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Robots Wars
Robot wars
Directed by N/A
Written by N/A
Starring Jeremy Clarkson

Craig Charles
Jonathan Pearce

Produced by Some ginger
Distributed by BBC 2 & then Five.
Release date Once upon a time.
Runtime Too long.
Language English
Budget Too much.
IMDb page


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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Robot Wars.
“My 5 year old daughter is harder than your robot”
~ Roboteer insulting their opponent by comparing it to their barbie loving daughter, sexism alert
“Robot ears stand by”
~ announcer on a tannoy
“You've got no chance you melon, we'll destroy that worthless piece of poop you call a flipping good machine”
~ Roboteers on more prime time TV smack talk with their 'nemesis'

Robot Wars was a sort-of popular TV show in both the USA and the UK, running from 1997 until 2004. Having peaked so early in its first full season with the original presenter, Jeremy Clarkson. Once Craig Charles took up the vacant position of presenter after the first series, the show was mainly popular because most guys like to see things smashed up and thrown around while being set on fire. Although you may think that nerdy virgins would be most keen on the show, most of the contestants were middle aged builders, plumbers, electricians and engineers that all had a wife and kids (more than you will ever get), and most of the viewers were fathers and sons. The show was eventually cancelled in 2004 after so much media controversy surrounding the naming of the ‘House Robots’. It transpired that the House Robots (that were made by Jonathan Pearce, who was also the narrator) were actually all named after sexually suggestive phrases, subtle euphemisms and much, much darker material.

Media Controversy (House Robot Names & Hidden Meanings)

Sergeant Bash

Sergeant Bash was such a devious & subtly named robot. Most people never made the link between the robot’s name and Jonathan Pearce’s porn star name in the early 80s. Sergeant Bash was a somewhat sex-crazed robot would constantly harass Matilda, a co-House Robot, eventually leading to a restraining order against Sergeant Bash, which meant he could never stick his turret inside her Stegosaur-arse.

Shunt

‘Shunt’ may sound dangerously similar to a German saying the word ‘cunt’ but that’s actually not what makes this robot’s name a bit risqué. In fact, the word ‘shunt’ has more than one definition other than one thing pushing another with some force. One definition is: “A passage by which a bodily fluid is moved from one place to another”. Now try and tell me that the word ‘shunt’ doesn’t sound a lot like ‘penis’ to you. Maybe the British media are the only ones in the world that can make an innocent dictionary definition seem sexy.

Cquote1 I can't believe he just kept going at you while you were immobilised, what a Shunt! Cquote2

—Jeremy Clarkson

Matilda

Matilda’ may not seem as sexually perverse as you might think. Hell, it sounds like a normal girl’s name, barring the freak with the movie title of the same name. But taking into account the theme of sexual depravity, for arguments sake let’s say it’s more of a porn star name. Be honest, you’d love to fuck a few Matildas.

Robot

My money's on this guy

Mr. Psycho

‘Mr. Psycho’ seems like a perfectly suitable name for a robot that is supposed to be intimidating to the contestants. Wrong. You’ve probably met a few ‘Mr. Psychos’ in your lifetime, he picks up anyone he wants, taking them to one side and then forcefully fucks them.

Dead Metal

Originally named, ‘Dead Wood’, Jonathan Pearce thought that the connotations of erectile dysfunction may not be as subtle as he needed to be able to get away with it, hence the last minute change in name.

Sir Killalot

‘Sir Killalot’ was originally named, ‘Sir Killalotofhookers’, but for reasons similar to Dead Metal’s change of name Pearce thought that subtlety was probably the key to success. It was often rumoured that the name change was the main reason behind Jeremy Clarkson leaving the show, since he came up with Sir Killalot’s original name.

Cquote1 Oh and Sir Killalot has his pincers on Sergeant Bash's turret, it's getting hot in here! Cquote2

—Jonathan Pearce

Growler

...Like you even need an explanation for the naming of this robot. Growler was introduced when Pearce began running out of the master-minded names for the robots. Growler was among the last two robots to be introduced before Robot Wars got cancelled, and it was because of this indiscrete naming that Pearce eventually came to admit he’d been abusing his role of naming robots for his own sick personal gain. The word ‘growler’ was obviously a reference to the noises old women who are about to climax make when having a good seeing to. Behave Jonathan!

The Refbot

The naming of this robot is clearly just another pornographic cliché. If Robot Wars ever returns to TV it is highly likely you’ll see Cheerleaderbot, MILFbot, Hungryforcockbot, Slutbot & other robots with pornographic connotations. Pearce created Refbot purely to fuel his masochistic desire for robot-punishment in porn.

Sentinel

The media couldn’t really get to grips with Pearce’s naming on Sentinel. The dictionary defines a sentinel as, “a person or thing that watches or stands as if watching”. The best the newspapers could muster on this name was that it was another term for a voyeur, or dogger. It could even be that Pearce wanted a red herring so all the robot names would, at first glance, seem non-sexually related. As usual however, most people think the red herring thing is bullshit because everyone knows how dirty Pearce is, that rapscallion.

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Did you know...
Most of the contestants on Robot Wars used their robots to open beer cans and destroy their neighbors car.
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