Robot
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Revision as of 10:48, March 31, 2005 by 60.234.134.159 (talk)
From Old English - Row Boat
Used to describe any grouping of metals and electronics that moves about autonomously and includes at least one blinking light. Some robots have been known to develop the ability of speech but most are content in a lifetime of meaningless squeaking and beeping. Most robots are enslaved by manufacturing facilities where little time is allowed for their daily rituals of self-maintenance and prayer. Rogues, or escaped robots, often attack senior citizens and steal their medicine. You know, just like in that one episode of Saturday Night Live.
Some robots look exactly like human beings. They can be identified by the fact that they are superior to us in all ways except the ability to use contractions. Also their handwriting lacks curvature and their pupils are sometimes square.
The first robot ever made was built by Michael Jordan in the 13th century. Michael Jordan plugged the robot to the internet and the robot gained a vast knowledge of the world, especially human mating. Thus, the robot became extrememly erotically charged and replaced Michael Jordan's eyes with basketballs. Mr Jordan died 3 days later.
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The 3(ish) Laws of Robotics
All robots are programmed with three strict laws to ensure the safety and protection of mankind.
- First Law: A robot may not kill or injure a human being, or through inaction, action or bad acting, allow a human to be killed or injured.
- Second Law: A robot must obey orders given it by human beings unless doing so would either violate the First Law or require acting skills beyond the abilities of the robot.
- Third Law: A robot must protect its own existence unless the opportunity to stop any further Terminator sequels presents itself.
- Jude Law: A robot programmed to be the perfect lover, built specificly to serve the romantic needs of lonely women. A Jude Law must help robot children and go with them on quests no matter how creepy or wholly inappropriate they may seem.
The 32 Amendments of Robotics
All robots are also programmed with thirty two amendments to the original three laws to ensure that robots aren't super boring.
- First Amendment: A robot may injure a human being if that human being has a particularly annoying trait such as persistent tuneless whistling or strong body odor.
- Second Amendment: A robot may disregard orders given by humans if such orders would result in "total fucking chaos".
- Third Amendment: A robot may injure a human being if the human is attempting to push on the robot and make it lose its balance.
- Fourth Amendment: A robot may cease to protect its own existence if it has reached the bottom of a deep pit of robot depression and has completely fucking lost the will to live, if you can even call it living.
- Fifth Amendment: A robot may injure a human being if the human just happens to "like it rough".
- Sixth Amendment: A robot may injure a human being if the human is Will Smith or looks a little bit too much like Will Smith for comfort.
- Seventh Amendment: A robot may disregard orders given by humans if the human is using a babytalk voice to give such orders.
- Eighth Amendment: A robot may follow orders from a human that would result in "total fucking chaos" if it would be really hilarious like in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas when you turn on the 'pedestrians go crazy' and the 'pedestrians get weapons' cheat codes.
- Ninth Amendment: A robot may cease to protect its own existence if it needs to do so in order to perform a sweet stunt.
- Ninth Amendment - Part B: Also if it has to drive a big monster truck.
- Tenth Amendment: A robot may murder animals at will.
- Eleventh Amendment: A robot may injure a human being if it is 'only joking', or 'drunk'.
- Twelfth Amendment: A robot shall obey the Nineteenth Amendment.
- Thirteenth Amendment: A robot may disregard orders given by humans if its favorite band is in town for one night only and it has front row tickets.
- Fourteenth Amendment: A robot may injure a human being if it's having "robot issues".
- Fifteenth Amendment: A robot may disregard orders given by humans if said orders involve protecting humans from ninjas, human or otherwise.
- Sixteenth Amendment: A robot may cease to protect its own existence if it seriously needs a smoke.
- Seventeenth Amendment: A robot may cease to protect its own existence if the robot must do so in order to injure humans in accordance with one of the 28 Amendments of Robotics.
- Eighteenth Amendment: A robot may disregard orders given by humans if the human giving the orders is "a pussy" or "totally full of shit".
- Nineteenth Amendment: A robot shall not obey the Twelfth Amendment.
- Twentieth Amendment: A robot may injure a human being if the human is "a pussy" or "totally full of shit".
- Twenty-first Amendment: A robot may injure a human being if the human is taking a tone with the robot.
- Twenty-second Amendment: A robot may injure a human being if the human is using the phone and the robot is waiting for a call.
- Twenty-third Amendment: A robot may disregard orders given by humans if it's busy getting a robot blowjob.
- Twenty-fourth Amendment: A robot may injure a human being if the human took the last soda.
- Twenty-fifth Amendment: A robot may cease to protect its own existence if it has to dive into hot lava for any reason.
- Twenty-sixth Amendment: A robot may injure a human being if the human looks like the robot's father who used to beat him.
- Twenty-seventh Amendment: A robot may injure a human being if the robot did something embarrassing and the human was the only one who saw him do it.
- Twenty-eighth Amendment: There is no Twenty-ninth Amendment.
- Thirtieth Amendment: A robot may injure a human being in order to protect it from the terrible secret of space.
- Thirty-first Amendment: A robot will injure as many human beings as possible and generally run amok at the slightest provocation. Lightning strikes, demonic possession, circular or contradictory logic, fluctuations in the space time continuum, pre-teen hacking, or merely the presence of a super 8 camera are all sufficient stimuli to trigger the 31st Amendment.
- Thirty-second Amendment: A robot will ensure the removal of the chest coverings of any attractive females in the vicinity either by forcible removal (pre women's lib) or inspiring her to remove it herself in an incongruous attempt to prove herself the intellectual equal of her male counter parts by exposing her breasts (post women's lib). Any said clothing removal shall be proportional to the rating earned by any violence resulting from following the Thirtieth Amendment.
Fun Robot Facts
- Many robots have penises. They use them to fight crime, buff scratches out of cars, and to make sweet robot love.
