Roberto Carlos Braga
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|Roberto Carlos Braga|
|Born||19 April 1941|
Cachoeiro de Itapemirim, Espirito Santo, Brazil
|Known for||-Having only one leg|
|Spouse||Cleonice Rossi, 1968-79 (divorced)|
Myrian Rios, 1979-90 (divorced)
Maria Rita Simões, 1995-99 (her death)
|Children||Rafael Braga (illegitimate, born 1966?)|
Ana Paula Rossi (stepdaughter, 1966-2011)
Segundinho Braga (born 1969)
Luciana Braga (born 1971)
For the NOT fangirly (but obviously funnier) version, click here.
Roberto Carlos Braga (born April 19, 1941), known simply as Roberto Carlos (or "o Rei"), is a Brazilian singer, lefty, midget
(not really, but he is short), and widower who, among other things, has OCD. But, before all this, he was something of a player. Unfortunately, almost anyone who ever had sex with him eventually died some horrible, cancerous death. Read on, so you can be warned.
edit Early life and family
“Lady Laura! abrazame fuerte, Lady Laura! y cuentame un cuento, Lady Laura! un beso otra vez, Lady Laura!”
Roberto Carlos was born 19 April 1941, in a random little town, in a little house, on the top of a hill. And one day when he was six years old, being as stupid as any male, he somehow got in the way of an oncoming train, got ran over, and had his right leg chopped off. He has since then used a prosthesis, but nobody cares, really.
At the age of nine, he did his first performance on the radio, in a contest for children. (First prize was a fistful of candy.) Not surprisingly, every girl under the age of ten (including Simone Bittencourt de Oliveira, one year old at the time) became wet. And then all those girls were like, "Mommy? Why am I wet?"
His mom was called "Lady Laura" because her name was, you guessed it, Laura. Roberto Carlos loved his mom. He loved her so much, that he wrote a song about her. Naturally, it was called Lady Laura. Unfortunately, she died 17 April 2010, aged 96, two days before her son became...69. Worst. Birthday. Ever.
Nobody seems to care about his father. All we know is that his name was Robertino Braga (how redundant, but it's true), and he was born in 1896 and died in 1980. Roberto also made a song about him, it's called Meu querido, meu velho, meu amigo (My dear old man, my friend).
Believe it or not, Roberto Carlos has (or had) three older siblings: two unimaginatively named brothers, Lauro Roberto and Carlos Alberto; and a sister, Norma, whom he called Norminha. No one seems to know if any of them are still alive, but nobody cares.
edit Early career
He started out in 1959, when he was 17 years old, and was basically the Justin Bieber of his time, ecxept that unlike Justin Bieber, His Royal Sexiness was actually cute and actually had talent. Anyway, he did some really cool albums, and it makes you want to dance, no? Some fairly awesome songs from those years included "Quero que vá tudo pro inferno" (I want everything to go to hell), which was in 1965, and it was about being lonely, and not caring about anything else, but just because of the word "inferno" (hell), he no longer does it live (as I said before, he has OCD). Another awesome song: "Ilegal, imoral, ou engorda" (Illegal, immoral, or fattening). This song is about....doing "stuff that I don't want to do" and eating "stuff that I'm not supposed to eat." Funny, isn't it?
Which brings us to...
edit Later career (and the resulting
awful awesome fashion sense)
“Over my head, the clouds are running on in the blue sky! While on the sad who are worn, life is so harder and people cry. Like the clouds, everybody here has gone astray, but he can show them how to better find the right way!”
Somewhere around 1970, Roberto Carlos got into religion, and stopped naming his albums (which he made once every year). Also, he started wearing clothes that were only blue, white, or some combination of the two colors. And to top it all off, he has lately taken to wearing stuff that is at least one size too big, and because it is either white or a white shade of blue, it makes him look like one of those hobos that just walked out of rehab. Nobody cares, really. But still, it's just really weird.
Most of his songs from the 1970s, onward, are about sex. For more details, read this page.
On the contrary, he also did a whole lot of religious music. The stickiest song: "Jesus Cristo" (1970). It was available in Portuguese, Spanish, English, and Italian. The English version ("Jesus Christ," 1971) is a grammatical failure. Curiously enough, ten years later, in 1981, he did a whole album in English, and it was grammatically correct. Weird.
edit Personal life
“Sex, what do I need it for?”
Roberto Carlos has been married three times, but since two of them are dead, nobody cares about the third, which was actually the second.
Sometime in the 1960s, Roberto Carlos destroyed some woman's marriage to some other guy. She had a daughter who might be his, but nobody cares, so it was never confirmed. And, when he was 25, Roberto had a random girlfriend, Maria Lucila Torres, who gave him an illegitimate son. However, since she was only a random girlfriend, she never told him she carried his child. Well, he finally found out sometime in the 1990s, and he also found out that his ex-girlfriend was living rather miserably. So he helped her, but then she died of breast cancer.
In 1968, he married his first wife, Cleonice Rossi (known as "Nice"). She already had a two year old daughter from a previous marriage (I guess), but he adopted her, so nobody cares. Nice also gave him two children of his own, but in 1979, they got divorced. Then, in 1990, she, too, died of breast cancer.
In 1979, after divorcing his first wife, Roberto married his second wife, the actress and porn model Myrian Rios. This marriage, strangely enough, also lasted eleven years, but only the Portuguese Wikipedia and myheritage.com actually believe they were married. No children were produced of this union, and frankly there is nothing notable about her beyond the fact that she is the only one of his three wives to still be alive today.
In 1991, he got reunited with a young woman, twenty years younger than him, named Maria Rita Simões. Naturally, they fell in love, and, in 1995, they got married. Unfortunately, their happiness did not last long. Maria Rita died, 19 December 1999, aged 38...of cancer. I guess it made for a very unhappy Christmas, seeing as he no longer had anyone with whom to do things nobody cares about. The funny thing is, in the months before Maria Rita died, Roberto was known to say, "Faith can move mountains!" But when she died, he lost faith in God for approximately three seconds; then he came up with these inspiring words:
“Faith cannot move mountains, but it can help you walk around the mountain, or climb up one side so you can get down on the other side.”
On 16 April 2011, Ana Paula, his stepdaughter, died of a heart attack, literally in her husband's arms. She was 44 or 45. That was just really, really awkward, as it was three days before his 70th birthday.
His youngest daughter, Luciana, is one awkward chick. To illustrate, here is an awkward pic.
edit 2012 and shit
In November of 2012, the King released an album, Esse cara sou eu. It only has four songs, but the album does not disappoint!
- Esse cara sou eu (That man is me)
- Furdúncio ("stir", as in "causing a stir")
- A mulher que eu amo (The woman I love)
- A volta (The return)
edit Did you know?
- In Brazil, a lot of people have the last name "Braga," but almost none of them are related.
- Evidently, not every brasileiro dreams of fat ladies, because if they did, Roberto Carlos would never have been born (his mom was tiny).
- Roberto Carlos has recorded songs in five languages: Portuguese, Spanish, Italian, French, and English (in order of frequency). Nobody gives a crap.
- Although everyone can agree that Roberto's second wife is named Miriam Rios, nobody can agree on how to spell "Miriam." Other spellings: Mirian, Myrian, Myriam.
- Another thing: When Roberto was married with Mirian, he was insanely jealous with her. So when he found out that she had done some naked pictures, he bought the rights to them, so that other men wouldn't get any ideas. Unfortunately, if you go on Google Images and search "Miriam Rios," you're going to see those pictures.
edit See also
- HowTo:Write incoherently
- Old people
- UnBooks:Sexually suggestive songs by Roberto Carlos
edit Some random pictures
- ↑ His real name is Roberto Carlos Braga, Segundo. Creative, isn't it? Also known
- ↑ probably because they never had sex
- ↑ They had originally met in 1977, by the strange coincidence of Maria Rita being his stepdaughter's friend. But because of the age difference, and the fact that she was only sixteen at the time, Maria Rita's father did not approve.
- ↑ Apparently, wide age gaps run in the family. His own parents were 18 years apart.
- ↑ The Portuguese Wikipedia doesn't go into detail, simply saying she had cancer "in all of the organs." But then, who said you had to trust the Wikipedia in any language?