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“I salute you, sir!”
His Most Supreme High Lordship Excellency Robert Mugabe of the 22nd Electoral Battlefleet's Farmers Alliance in Zimbabwe is a politician, freedom-fighter, elder statesman, economist, and noted agriculturalist. His people have recently re-elected him as President of Zimbabwe, the country over which Mugabe has held humble stewardship since 1980.
On February 24th, 1924, Robert Mugabe was born in Matibiri village, Southern Rhodesia. The two older Mugabe brothers were very popular figures in the village and always helped with the hunting, the farming and the community festivals. They died. Robert was not popular or even remotely sociable, preferring to spend time alone fishing, reading books or playing "ethnic cleansing" with his toy soldiers.
Robert Mugabe was often alienated during his student years due to his habit of talking to himself and yelling obscenities at anyone who didn't share in his radical hatred of the governing authorities. During this period he also gained his trademark hatred of the white race, a hilarious little personality quirk that has endeared him to many, whilst admittedly putting him into conflict with a few.
In 1960, a newly politicised Robert returned to his native Southern Rhodesia, determined to fight the imperial colonialist man. The brutal suppression of the African people was an act that he felt foreigners were not entitled to carry out. Mugabe became a prominent member of the ZANU party, alongside Ndabaningi Sithole .
It was a tough time for politics in what was to become Zimbabwe. Following Mugabe's political elevation there were a series of mysterious deaths amongst his rival activists. It was a miracle that Mugabe managed to avoid the many tragic car crashes of the period. Some blamed the fashion to drive cars riddled with bullet-holes. Others simply assigned it to fate. The gods wanted Mugabe to reach the top.
In 1980, after many years of furious campaigning, Mugabe, as leader of ZANU, was elected as Prime Minister of Zimbabwe, the first black leader of the country. Around the world Mugabe was hailed as a statesman, diplomat and hero to the anti-imperialist cause. Zimbabwe was free. Mugabe was free. Mugabe was free to launch a brutal attack on the opposition-supporting Ndebele people. Zimbabwe was soon free of 10,000 of them.
In recent years Mugabe has been praised locally and internationally for his excellent management of Zimbabwe's economy, introducing the theorem of de-digitation where the value of a currency is protected by removing several digits to prevent inflation. His administration's successful economic policies have led to Zimbabwe becoming a great economic power which periodically provides financial aid to impoverished nations such as the United States of America and Britain. Robert Mugabe also pioneered methods of cost control by vastly improving the country's agricultural output by removing unskilled white farm workers and replacing them with midgets. However, his most recent and, as many consider, most significant work is that of the concept of denial. Mugabe has stated that simply ignoring all economic problems and passing blame is more effective than reform, giving such examples as China's great leap forward.
As is well known, Zimbabwe has had a slight problem with inflation. Through his ingenious economic understanding, Mugabe's solution proved simple but effective. In a giant strike against the devils of poverty, he simply decided the best idea would be to force each and every merchant to cut down prices on food. As a result of this brilliant, revolutionary way to combat poverty, Mugabe received the annual 2007 "Why didn't anyone think of that before?!" award.
As of 2008, Zimbabwe is one of the richest countries on earth, where the average citizen is a trillionare. In fact, Zimbabweans are so rich that, whenever there is a power cut, Zimbabweans often resort to burning a couple of billion dollars just to keep warm! Now tell me that isn't wealth in action!
Many men have tried and failed to unseat Mugabe from power in Zimbabwe. Mugabe is one of Africa's greatest politicians, whose charm, natural wit and legions of government sponsored thugs have maintained a longstanding love affair with the Zimbabwean people. His great personal popularity is such that despite the minor inflation problems, the agricultural slowdown and the widespread hatred directed towards his government, Mugabe was still expected to win the 2008 general election.
The outcome was something of a surprise. Morgan Tsvangirai, the leader of the opposing MDC party, put in an outstanding showing at the polls. It is very much to his credit that it took several weeks and many recounts to determine that Mugabe hadn't lost. Tsvangirai may not have won the first round of voting, but he had won Mugabe's respect, so much so that Mugabe agreed to help the staging of one his opponent's rallies. On this day, Mugabe's dilligent helpers welcomed their MDC brothers with celebratory fireworks, rockthrowing, and gunshots. This touching show of electoral sportsmanship brought many a tear to a grieving mother's eye.
In the election run-off, Mugabe soundly beat the villainous would-be dictator Morgan Tsvangirai with a remarkable 100% victory result. This was believed to have been the most successful election victory since Saddam Hussein's superb re-election in 2000. Mugabe is thought to have done well with urban voters, white farmers, and even managed to convert many MDC supporters after reminding them that 'the devil man' Gordon Brown was trying to lay claim to Mr Mugabe's economic successes as President.
Titles and Honors held by Robert Mugabe
- President of Zimbabwe (1987 - when the police get tired arms)
- Mr Stupid Moustache (Africa) (1989, 1995, 2001, 2005, 2007)
- Being Robert Mugabe Special Medal
- Being Robert Mugabe Extra Special Medal
- Being Robert Mugabe Patriotic Star (with oak leaves)
- Josef Stalin Award for Violent Suppression of Opposition (2008)
- Slobodan Milosevic Prize for Pretend Democracy (2007, 2008)
British Knight of the Garter (honorary)
- President, Fuck Britain Society (African branch)