Robert E. Lee
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Robert E. Lee should really consider shaving the top of his head completely, like me!”
~ Martin Van Buren on Robert E. Lee
“Sure, Lee can handle a gun... but can he handle ME?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Robert E. Lee
“The 'E' stands for 'Excellent'.”
~ Ulysses S. Grant on Robert E. Lee
Robert E. Lee (1807-1870), or, as his club buddies call him, the iron horse, is a man of note in American history for his actions in the Civil War, in which he fought for the both sides. The first Asian-American military general, he dealt with many important situations like The Beatle of Gettysburg and the Impeachment of Richard Nixon. He had the most battle spirit of all the Confederate men, and a large beard that he once lost a sandwich in.
Contents |
[edit] Early Life
Robert E. Lee (aka Winston Churchill) was born at the age of 73 in the Great State of Atlantis.He was fascinated by war, and began plotting ways to invade Peru and raid farms to steal their llamas. He was first called into war when he was 22, fighting as a general in the War of Everett Milton III. This war had started because a dweebish student had not received a trivial part in his school play. Milton and his army of Math team members atacked and raided much of Georgia before Lee was called in. When he arrived, he ended the war single-handedly by pulling a one-handed lever labeled "END WAR".In highschool, Lee was voted by his peers as "most likely to secede"
[edit] The Secession of the South
As many know, the secession of the South was a major reason for the Civil War. The South seceded because of a man named John Brown. He had made attacks on slaveowners and assaulted Harper Lee's Ferry, a federal arsenal that was operated by a descendent of General Lee (Harper Lee). Lee tried to prevent the attack on the ferry, but failed, giving Brown what he wanted: a strike against the South. Lee was deeply angered by Brown and proposed that the south should secede. He meant that the people should pick up the South and move it somewhere else, but the government interpreted it as "Leave the Union".
[edit] The Invention of the Rebel Yell
Robert E. Lee also created the rebel yell. In those days, there were no other means of communication on a battlefield besides shouting. Lee figured that if his army screamed and hollered loud enough, the Union would not be able to hear the orders of its own generals. He was right, and subsequently the Confederacy won the first battle of the Civil War. A few cries recorded in the war were "Ok! Ok! Just don't shoot!", "Jumpin Jahosefat!", "I need to poo", "Woo, woo, woo!", and "God! I broke a nail!".
[edit] Lee and Gettysburg
When Lee and his army entered Gettysburg, he and fellow general James Longstreet took refuge in an old farmhouse. They picked that place because of their mutual love of the smell of cowpies and pigs' feet. This was later to be the basis of the popular movie Brokeback Mountain. While there, Lee said to Longstreet, "James, I don't think we can win this war." Longstreet replied, "Just have hope. President Jefferson Davis has hope. I have hope. If Ronald Reagan were here, he'd have hope, too!" Around that time, the Confederates were winning. They pushed the Union back, surrounding them on a hill. However, the Confederate troops were ordered into a defensive position, and reinforcements arrived for the Union led by General John Reynolds. Reynolds was killed after entering the town by a flying casserole dish, thrown by an angry northerner who was trying to hit her husband.
Records from Major-General George G. Meade claim Lee was too defensive, holding the line while the Union soaked up territory, ultimately losing the war. The REAL story is that the Confederates won! For a small time, there was a Confederate States of America, along with the CBI (Confederate Bureau of Investigation). The reason why there are no Confederate States today is because of a deal between Lee and former presidents Martin Van Buren and James K. Polk. Van Buren, hungry for more votes the next time he ran for election, wanted to bring the South back to the Union. Polk also wanted the South back so that he could buy all the Southern Comfort brand whiskey he wanted, so as to get drunk at his parties. Lee agreed to surrender to the Union in exchange for muscle car magazines, lifetime membership at Costco, and a twenty-year-supply of pudding skins.
[edit] After the War
[edit] Lee's Creation of Texas Tim's Hot Sauce
Robert E. Lee had a passion for hot sauce ever since he was a small child. After the war, he had a lot of spare time on his hands, so he began to contemplate daily about a new flavor of hot sauce. His good friend, Timothy Shepard, visited him from Texas around the time he was contemplating. With him he brought a basket full of hot sauces. Lee studied the sauces like a nerd studies the Quadratic Theorem, taking several ingredients from different sauces and mixing them together. After the sauce fermented, he tasted it. The new sauce was so potent, it took three gallons of drinking water too cool his throat. It quickly became apparent that he had made the world's spiciest hot sauce, which he named after his friend who had helped him to create it. The sauce is a deadly sauce that can leave somebody with the ring of fire for days. Even weeks! In his spare time , the general was partial to a bit of soft pornography. He had a dong that you could shake your stick at. Rumours of a relationship with kaiser wilhelm have yet to be proved.
[edit] Family
Robert E. Lee is the great grandfather of British actress Jennifer Ehle (real name, Jennifer E. Lee). WHAT?
