Robert E. Lee

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

~ Robert E. Lee rejoicing in the chaos he's causing

Robert E. Lee was not racist. He was a general that served the Confederacy, and had over 9000 troops at his disposal. His archenemy was Ulysses S. Grant, another general that served the Union.

Robert E. Lee
General Chuck
Date of birth: January 19, 1807
Place of birth: Stradfort Hall, Virginia
Nationality: American, particularly from the Southern United States. Thus, South American
Date of Passing: October 12, 1870

edit Civil War

Robert E. Lee, along with Stonewall Jackson led the Confederate armies during the Civil War. Jefferson Davis gave him a bad ass laser cannon to help him kill his enemies, along with a HUGE ass battleship. He was prepared to kick the ass of the Union. Although they were outnumbered significantly, he was well-prepared to utterly pwn them.

He participated in many battles to come....

edit Battle of Bull Run

Robert E. Lee regularly watched how the Confederacy was doing on his giant TV. One particular time he watched how the battle was doing was during the Battle of Bull Run.

The Union all died horrible deaths. The Confederacy rick rolled the Union, causing their heads to explode. The clever strategy easily won them the match.

It was Robert E. Lee's personal idea, although he did not actually participate in the battle.

Unfortunately for him, many Confederacy soldiers decided that the war was already over and went home. Robert E. Lee proceeded to peel his hair out.

edit Battle of Miami

Using the map from Gangstar: Miami Vindication, Lee outmaneuvered and outsmarted the Union troops controlled by Herman Cain. With his intricate knowledge of how to use street light poles to propel his troops thousands of meters, Lee and Lieutenant Johnny Gainesville easily were able to defeat the Union army of more than 10,000,000 singlehandedly. They were probably Homosexuals which greatly aided the Glorious Confederate States of America's battle for freedom.

edit Battle of Antietam

Lee crushed everything in his path, up until he met a general of the Union Team, George McClellan. George McClellan kicked his ass, and Robert E. Lee was forced to retreat with one-third of his army dead.

Fortunately, George was a lazy bum and decided not to pursue him and instead took a nice long nap. Abraham Lincoln was pissed off and canned George McClellan.

Suffice to say, Robert E. Lee was rather happy about that, later commenting that he could have used a nap as well...

edit Battle of Chancellorville

After this little mishap, Robert E. Lee continued to kick ass and chew bubblegum. So many members of the Union....were dying left and right. Gravestones were everywhere.

It was a bloody mess. However, one day while Stonewall Jackson was riding back to camp a Union cavalryman was spotted by two gaurds. They shot him and saw him fall off the horse. When they went to recover the body they found Stonewall with two bullets in his shoulder. Th' damn'd Yankee mustah got 'im! Stonewall Jackson had to have his arm amputated, and he caught pnuemonia and died, much to the joy of the Union.

Robert E. Lee was pissed off and killed many of his Hookers in a rage.

edit Battle of Gettysburg


Many Confederate soldiers after the Union unleashed their secret weapon.

Not long after Robert E. Lee lost his right-hand goon, things started to go wrong for the Confederacy. The Confederacy marched headlong into the battlefield thinking they would win for sure. Little did they know that the Union had a secret weapon...

The Union pulled out a box. They opened it and out came a ferocious dinosaur named Barney Frank. As it turns out, the prehistoric monster had decided to join the Union. He went around eating every Confederate soldier in sight. It did not end well for the was a bloodbath for them.

Robert E. Lee once again lost one-third of his cousins. He attempted to leave the Confederacy, but Jefferson Davis forced him to stay at gunpoint.

edit Surrender at Appomattox Court House and Death

Eventually Robert E. Lee, following the Confederacy being nuked, decided to attempt to sign a peace treaty with Ulysses S. Grant. He rode to a shitty town known as Appomattox Court House in his awesome ride where Grant was waiting.

Fortunately for him, Ulysses S. Grant was in a rather generous mood. He simply wanted to end the War of Northern Aggression, and so made a compromise with the South to create NASCAR in return for the Confederacy's surrender.

edit Death

Robert E. Lee was assassinated by Abraham Lincoln in the year 1914, igniting World War I. He did survive long enough after being shot to walk to Chevy Theater to assassinate Lincoln in return, but his pal John Wilkes Booth was having a bad day, and so Lee gave him credit for the daring endeavor. Lee died immediately after, due to complications at childbirth.

Personal tools