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“How are you going to survive without Rob? He's like your main dude.”
“I don't know. I'm like your main dude.”
“He's not really one of us, you know.”Halloween night in the middle of July, to Mom Zombie and Ernest Zombie, the heir of a major earwax-cleaning company. At the tender age of nine, his millionaire parents took him to see 101 Dalmatians. Upon returning home, Rob's parents were shot and killed by a mugger who also wanted to see Dalmatians but didn't use Moviefone and couldn't get tickets.
Forever scarred by the incident, young Zombie vowed to rid the world of evildoers. Training rigorously by going to the YMCA once a week, Rob vowed to be a formidable foe to criminals everywhere. But something was missing.
"Criminals are a superstitious and cowardly lot", thought Zombie "so my disguise must be able to strike terror into their hearts. I must be a creature of the night, smelly, rotting and viridian..." As if responding to his desires, a reanimated corpse crashed through the window and attempted to eat his brains. After fending off the creature with a big plastic dildo and a slingshot, Robert realized his new moniker. "I shall become a Zombie...Rob Zombie." (which coincidentally was already his name).
That very second, the zombie that tried to eat him lurched up and began to munch on Rob's cerebellum. And from that moment on, Rob Zombie was born.
Note that Rob Zombie is still a virgin and looking for pussy so if you're at one of his concerts, bring protection.
And so Rob Zombie roamed the streets at night, casting fear into the hearts of criminals, indigestion into the stomachs of old men with diapers andthe homeless.
Today, Rob hosts a children's show on his local public access station. At first, many mothers of the angry letter-writing variety were opposed, but he has since slain and eaten all of them. As a reminder, he keeps their severed organs in a jar in a corner of the "House of Fickle Fairys" on his show. 64% of children report that this is their favorite part of the show, says a survey conducted by the Children's Network Association of America. However, due to health and safety legal reasons, they have since been removed, as one of the child actors on the show vwas given food poisoning after finding his way into the jar and eating them. After his television show was ruined, he decided to start a band with Glen Danzig but was thrown out five minutes later. This was known as Samhain. His pioneering theological work is all too easily overlooked; Rob Zombie discovered that Jesus lived his life in a cheap hotel at the edge of Route 66, founding a pilgrimage unbeknownst to christianity so far. His heroes are Coach Z and The Fonz.
- Off Da Chain (1940) *May never have actually existed
- Vulgar Display of Pedophilla (1948) *The only album people knew about
- Iraqi Oil iz 2 Bad (1955) *Was George Washington Carver's favorite music
- Filler (1965) *Sold 100 Million Copies on Mars
- HIStory of Modern Earth (1971 1/2) **First music to be released on High Distortion Laser DVD
- Dark Side of the Moonwalk (1975)
- Invisible (1991)
- Bucket of Shit - Unplugged (2003) * Performed without his trademark bucket
- Number 2s (2003) *Has 2,000 of Jackson's best jazz operas
- Little Minority Yum Yum (2007) *Released on 15 October