Rob Van Dam
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Robbie VD is the good twin brother of Jean-Claude Van Damme. Robert and Jean Claude were said to have been separated at birth; one of the twins being a pretty-boy pansy growing up in the jungles of Detroit, and the other using his kick-ass ballet moves to become a film star from Brussels. Rob's evil brother Jean became a huge action star in the 1980's making block buster C-grade action films after he starred in "No Dick Milk For You", and rose to fame overnight as the worst actor seen since Steven Seagal's role in... well, everything! Because Jean was Rob's evil twin brother, of course Rob looked just like him, and it infuriated Rob when people would stop him in the street and ask if he was his brother Jean Claude Van Dam (JCVD).
Eventually Rob's frustration about this would get worse, and he began having uncontrollable urges to beat up people who compared him to who he would later find out in life was his evil twin brother. Rob went on to find out that Jean was his evil twin brother on Jerry Springer, during an episode called "My Daughter is a transvestite nun who I like to have sex with constantly but my wife won't film it." Ever since their first meeting Rob vowed to be better then Jean. Rob found out when he met his brother that he was a fake, he was a pansy-ass little ballet star, and Rob knew he could out shine his bro by becoming a real fighter, a real winner, a real talent, and a better actor/fake having the crap beaten out of him then his bro, so Rob decided he was going to be a professional wrestler to prove his acting skills.
edit Wrasslin Carreer
Robbie VD was trained by Mr Miagi to be a wrestler. Miagi taught Robbie VD the ways of becoming a true Jedi by dressing him up in a robe and enrolling him into acting classes. Soon Robbie VD was receiving the necessary training in acting it would take for him to become a professional wrestler, and a household name, but before any of that, Robbie tried out for WCW. He made his debut match on November 7th 1988 against that Asian dude who played the gay one in that Japanese show "Monkey Magic" in which Robbie pounded the crap out of him, and showed off his high acrobatic skills by ramming his testicle into his opponents mouth while in mid air, and being quick enough to actually be able to get off a cum shot into his opponents mouth then blocking his air ways with hid dick, leading into the first win in WCW history caused from drowning. This outcome left a bad taste in other peoples mouths too, and when confronted by the CEO of WCW, Robbie spin kicked him to the floor, then dove off the top rope with a 5-Star-Bog-Splash where Robbie would jump to the top rope, take his pants down, do a 750 flip into the air, shit on his opponent in mid air, then land on top of them squashing the bog into their eyes for a cheap win. However, Rob did not stay in the WCW for long, as he showed signs of talent and the WCW said he would be better off someplace else.
Robbie went to try out for the WWF, but they where incapable of using him as they had just employed Chuck Norris' evil twin brother, Steve Blackman. So Rob found himself answering a call for someone to come work for a hand job at the ECW. Rob made his debut in ECW against Shamu The Whale in hopes WWF might see he too can kick the shit out of pandas and marine animals, but soon focused on becoming the #1 attraction for ECW after he became addicted to the handouts ECW owner Paul Heyman gave out every Monday night.
Rob would become the ECW champion a few years later and decide his services where so fuckin' fantastic that the WWF would have to call him now.
Jerry Lawler signed a contract to allow ECW to be part of the WWF in a cross promotion to boost ratings against the WCW and re-runs of Full-House. The ECW was stated by Jerry Lawler to mean "Wankers Who Can't Wrestle," except for the man dubbed Mr. Monday Afternoon, Robbie VD. Rob was brought back later after the crossover stint by Lawler to take on Bon Jovi and show the world what this kid could do. Robbie VD would be quite impressive, but would soon head back to ECW after Lawler told him to fuck off back to where he came from for stiffing Lawler on the late fee's owed to Blockbuster video after Robbie failed to return a copy of "Debbie Does Dallas" by 7:30 the following evening after he rented it.
edit The Whole Fuckin' Show
Rob headed back to the ECW with his tail between his legs, but soon was back on his feet as a top name billing for the company. In fact, he became the whole fuckin' show. Each show would consist of Rob being the whole show, starting off by changing the ECWs name to R.V.D. He would then introduce the show by himself, then start the first bout by having Rob Van Dam vs. Rob Van Dam, then a hardcore match of Rob VD vs. Rob VD, then a tag team match of Robbie V.D & Robbie VD vs. Robbie VD & Robbie VD, then a ladder match between Robbie VD and Robbie VD with special guest and referee, Robbie VD. Then a scaffold involving tables, ladders and barbwire explosives 'n shit match featuring Robbie VD taking on Robbie VD and finally the heavyweight championship main event where Robbie VD would defend his title against Robbie VD, all while Robbie VD commentated the entire event.
This continued on for a few more years until ECW was foreclosed and bought out by the WWE due to Robbie VD being injured by Robbie VD then suing the owner (Robbie VD) for compensation. To this day Robbie VD still owes Robbie VD six bucks.
Once ECW went tits up, it wasn't long before Vince McMahon called upon the services of Robbie to be one of the top ECW showmen for his newly purchased faction. He employed Robbie VD on the basis that he didn't try to be the whole fuckin' show any more, as that would clash with Triple-H doing the same thing at the time. Rob agreed to it and debuted in the now WWE with his fellow ECW clansman, Enter Sandman, Shamu and Tommy The Tank Engine. They formed the ECW alliance and took on the WWE and WCW alliance in a clash of the titans called, "WWE Bought Your Sorry Asses Out, Guess who will be the victors here, go on, seriously, have a guess." in which the WWE won in the end of the battle.
After the war between the 3 brands settled down, they were switched to 3 nights a week for the different brands to compete on. Of course Robbie VD was the main man for ECW and would show the WWE masters of the universe that he was better and more skilled then any diva they had. He became the WCW champion 3 times and won the money shot to the face at Wrestlefakia that year, reprising his WCW debut match where he became the first man in Wrestling history to drown an opponent via forced fellatio, but WWE cease to believe any one would remember it, so they claimed it for themselves as usual, just like the claim they had the first ever Ladder match or the first wrestler in history to refuse to put anyone else over them... no wait, they did have Hulk Hogan first, so scratch that last part.
Rob then announced he was going to show a new finishing move like no one had ever seen before, called the "Van Halen Sperminator." After heightening the audience's anticipation, he showed it off during the following match against Arnold Shitslinger (The Evil Twin Brother of Arnold Schwarzenegger): He knocked Arnie down, then mocked him with his own catch phrase, "I'll be back." Robbie then turned to head out of the ring, jumped the rope to the other side, dropped his leotards, and jerked off furiously until he climaxed, shooting his load across the ring from one side of the ring to the other, where it splattered directly between Arnie's eyes. Rob then did the 5-Star-Bog-Splash to win the match. It was one of the best moves in professional wrestling history, even though Shane McMahon had done the same thing 2 years earlier, but WWE no longer acknowledge Shane's existence due to him buying out WCW, and therefore, the "no one ever saw it" rule applied to him too. Robbie still holds not only the WWE record, but the world record for the only man able to shoot his load over 15 feet while doing the splits and not performing it on Guinness World Records.
edit The Big One: Rob vs. Jean-Claude
The big day had finally come in June of 2004; finally Robbie VD was a popular and well respected professional wrestler known all around the world. He had driven his evil twin brother's fame into the ground. No one remembered Jean-Claude anymore. Robbie VD was the main man at long last. However, this only infuriated his evil twin brother. The following night on the WWE taping of "Raw is a Fucking Bore" Rob was kicking someone's ass, Jean-Claude unexpectedly ran down to ringside and interfered in the match, performing an elegant ballet twist in the air and following it up with a tap dance number across the ring. This was enough to shock Robbie VD who was then pinned by Nicolas Rage (The evil twin brother of Nicholas Cage) who came out of no where as well. Robbie got to his feet and stared down his brother in a rage, followed by the announcement that WWE TV was out of time, and hopefully this feud would continue to take place next Monday night instead of in the wrestling right that very minute.... typical of WWE stealing ideas from WCW, again with the "no saw it, who cares if we do it now" rule.
The following week on Raw, Robbie VD called out his evil twin brother Jean-Claude to get his ass out into the ring and end this war of wars that had been accumulating between the two for 30 years, even though they had never met since they were separated at birth. But hey, it's the WWE, storylines aren't meant to make total sense. Jean-Claude then appeared to the tune of "Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairy's". The two stared each other down eye-to-eye as the crowd waited to see what was about to escalate. Then, from out of no-where, Dolph Lundgren and Goldturd attacked Robbie VD from behind in unspeakable ways. Well, we can speak of it actually, Dolph kept sticking his fingers up his own ass and forcing Robbie to smell them while Goldturd jacked off on the crowed and chanted "who's next?"... quite a stupid gimmick, but the crowed loved to be involved in the action somehow. Soon Dolph's good twin brother He Man and Gillberg (guess whose evil twin brother) came running to the ring to save Robbie VD from an ass-pounding which led to a huge un-booked scuttle. When the security and referees broke up the two, Rob grabbed the mic and issued the 3 of them to a challenge at the next MacGyver Series. This led both teams to look for an extra man for the 4 on 4 event. It also gave Robbie time to shower off the smell of Dolphs ass that had been wiped under Robbies nose in an illegal but crowed pleasing maneuver known as the "Dirty Sanchez".
On the next episode of Raw the following week, the teams met to make the match official for the following weeks PPV. Rob's team found Rocky Balboa and Jean-Claude found Rambo, who the guest commentator, Sylvester Stallone, said both looked like pussies. The challenge was set, and was to be the first time Rob and Jean-Claude squared off. The PPV match was epic: First, Rambo pinned Rocky after blowing his head off with a machine gun, then Gillberg defeated Goldberg by asking him how it felt to be the guy who fucked up Bret The Shit Man Fart's career, which led to Goldberg running away crying with his head in his hands like the little bitch that he is, then Jean-Claude was tagged in and so was Robbie VD. The clash battled out for a while until Jean-Claude realized there was no one to say "cut" when he chipped a nail, so he tagged Rambo back in. Rambo, however, was defeated by He-Man and Gillberg in a double team that Robbie tagged in moments later. Jean-Claude then pinned Gillberg and He-Man with a pair of ruby slippers and sent Dolph off to find him a contract for "Universal Soldier part 4." So it was all now down to just the two brothers, left to meet face-to-face at long last... cept that one time at band camp, when Jean Claude stuck a flute in his pussy, and the cat whistled Dixie for a month every time it farted.
Jean-Claude started performing dances to Swan Lake, which gave Robbie VD the opportunity to club Van-Damme over the head with a chair. He then told him to hold it while he executed a drop kick, which was nice of his evil twin brother to do, as everyone knows in a real bar fight if you ask your opponent to hold some furniture for you while you proceed to run into a wall for momentum and come running back at them with your arm held out, you are guaranteed to win the fight. Now with Jean-Claude laying on the floor, Robbie VD performed the Van Sperminator effectively before hitting the Bog Splash for the win. Robbie VD celebrated for this long sought after victory, achieving what he had set out to do. During his celebration, Van-Damme would return to his feet, like he had come back from the dead. Van-Damme then attacked Robbie VD from behind with a nice kickboxing move, knocking Robbie to the floor. Referees and Security tried to stop Jean-Claude, but he was too good and kicked their asses right over the top ropes. One referee even hit the ropes and spun in them 3 times, being tied up in them by his neck. Robbie VD was weak, but he managed to get to his feet and have time to reminisce back to 20 years ago when Mr. Miagi told him about a move that, if done right, would make your opponent go away and not come back in the sequel.
Robbie VD, feeling weak and done for, snapped out of his flashback, rose to his feet, lifted one knee into the air, and held his arms out to the side above his head as Jean-Claude looked at Robbie and came towards him to finish him off. Then, in a split second, just as Van Damme was in reach, Robbie's knee swung down while his other leg kicked up and he kicked Van-Damme with authority right in the jaw. Van Damme's eyes rolled into the back of his head as spit flew out of his mouth and he fell to the ground, bouncing his head on the canvas a few times before passing out.... his final words where "hey, I did that in Street Fighter, and you stole it from me, fuck you, Robbie"
Robbie had defeated his brother once and for all. The entire crowd and all the wrestlers in the WWE flowed towards the ring, clapping and cheering Van Dam as they hoisted him up in the air and bounced him around on their hands like he was on a trampoline. Robbie then got down off the crowd when he saw his old lover, Jerry Lawler, who decided their love was not worth ending over a bill for 6 bucks. The two hugged and kissed and celebrated the rest of the night while Robbie screamed out "Aidriannnnnnnnnnnnnnn's evil twin sister".
edit T.N. F'N A (Rated TV-14)
Robbie's popularity never diminished, but that means dick in the WWE. So Rob found himself no longer employed by the WWE, working on the independent circuit. Then he went and joined TNA Wrestling. Apparently, no one has a clue he is working for them, not even Rob himself. He mainly keeps to himself and can be seen in the locker rooms getting high at every opportunity.
He was due to main-event TNA's Victory Road pay-per-view, but he showed up high on weed as usual. Fortunately his opponent was Jeff Hardy who happened to be high too, so no one noticed. The resulting match was voted Most Entertaining TNA match of the year, beating off literally no competition.
edit Signature Moves
- 5-Star-Bog-Splash - Rob grabs Darrel Hannah and throws her off the top rope of the heartbreak hotel onto his opponent. Then he climbs to the top rope, flips off into the air, shits on his opponent then lands on them via the soft cushioning fall of his own fecal matter.
- Van Halen Sperminator - Rob stands on one corner post of the ring jerking his cock like it's a guitar, while the opponent lays in the other corner. He uses speed and agility to blast cum right between his foe's eyes, then usually follows it with a splash.
- Split Legged Moon Suck - He will force his opponent into a corner, then climb it before doing the splits, rolling back on the rope and forcing his opponents to choke on his testicles while he bites into theirs.
- The Dam Incapacitate - Rob throws a chair to his opponent who will catch it, then performs a forward roll before jumping up and kicking the chair into the other guys balls.