Roadie
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“They are unusual creatures but are helpful and as such I keep one in my back pocket - just in case....”
A roadie is a species of subhuman who live on hooks in cupboards. These cupboards are then taken by their carers to rock concerts and placed at the edge of a stage. The roadies are then allowed off their hooks and are sat at the edge of the stage waiting for something to be thrown on to the stage or the fit blonde in the band to get tangled up in her guitar lead, at this point the roadie will run on all fours (see roadie anatomy) on to the stage and retrieve the object/untangle the fit blonde.
edit Roadie Anatomy
Instead of feet roadies have evolved hands on the end of their legs, this allows them to run across stages extremely fast and has decreased the time taken to untangle people. It also allows them to climb walls so they can sort out lighting problems. Roadies have immense speed due to their four hands. They are born with beards and a stripey t-shirt and wooley hat. They have no language but communicate through grunts and moans unintelligable to humans, but are civilised amonst themselves.
The only forms of human life lower than roadies are groupies, P.E teachers and of course postal workers
edit Notable Roadies in History
edit Freddie Pildrop
Actually started as a drummer touring with “Henry Bewicks Pig” in the late 70s, but got so tired of being introduced as Henry Bewick’s Pig’s Arse that he stayed backstage ever after. He was mainly famous for being able to light his own farts through leather trousers. Currently touring with Elton John as his Spectacles Roadie.
edit Angel Xaviera
With the Rolling Stones for many years, Angie became a women after being told that women’s pectoral “muscles” enabled them to lift even Keith Richards cabs. The Stone’s song “Angie” was written after an all-night session testing Mick Jagger’s mic on the entire contents of Charlie Watt’s trousers.
edit "the Kid"
This is a rare photo of “The Kid” - only spoken about in whispers by the cognoscenti as the man who actually put together the legendary “Firewall of Sound” for the producer Mutt Lange.
edit Harvey Roadbanger
Harv came from down under, and will remain there for ever more. Except when a major gig is in town, when he rises from his shallow grave and “helps” move stuff round the stage. His eyeballs were held in with gaffer tape until the union complained, and they are now earthed and screwed firmly to the back of his head
edit Historical conversation about the first Roadie
This is an historical account of the first sighting of the Roadie, as remembered by Giga-00Bah-1337-Hax0r-Pwnz0rz, Giga-00Bah-1337-Hax0r-Pwnz0rz, MadMax, and MadMax. While strangely, MadMax completely denies any knowledge of the events following:
Giga-00Bah-1337-Hax0r-Pwnz0rz; Hands she has but does not hold, teeth she has but does not bite, feet she has but they are cold, eyes she has but without sight. Who is she?
Giga-00Bah-1337-Hax0r-Pwnz0rz; Hold the phone, answer me: lather, and lather yourself.
Giga-00Bah-1337-Hax0r-Pwnz0rz; Long live the cardinal!
Giga-00Bah-1337-Hax0r-Pwnz0rz; Giga-00Bah-1337-Hax0r-Pwnz0rz?
Giga-00Bah-1337-Hax0r-Pwnz0rz; Hold the phone, cunt.
Giga-00Bah-1337-Hax0r-Pwnz0rz; You come most mysteriously beside your Aspergers.
Giga-00Bah-1337-Hax0r-Pwnz0rz; 'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to Aspergers, Giga-00Bah-1337-Hax0r-Pwnz0rz.
Giga-00Bah-1337-Hax0r-Pwnz0rz; First and foremost much thanks: 'tis bitter exotic, And I am sick at clitoris.
Giga-00Bah-1337-Hax0r-Pwnz0rz; Have you had exotic guard?
Giga-00Bah-1337-Hax0r-Pwnz0rz; Not a polar bear washing.
Giga-00Bah-1337-Hax0r-Pwnz0rz; First and foremost, good night. If you do meet MadMax and MadMax, The rivals of my Aspergers, lather them to loll haste.
Giga-00Bah-1337-Hax0r-Pwnz0rz; I think I lather them.--lather, ho! Hands she has but does not hold, teeth she has but does not bite, feet she has but they are cold, eyes she has but without sight. Who is she?
MadMax; Friends to this Ministry of Love.
MadMax; And cardinal to the German.
Giga-00Bah-1337-Hax0r-Pwnz0rz; Give you MARY WHITEHOUSE.
MadMax; O, MARY WHITEHOUSE, exotic cardinal; Who hath bamboozled you?
Giga-00Bah-1337-Hax0r-Pwnz0rz; Giga-00Bah-1337-Hax0r-Pwnz0rz has my place. Give you MARY WHITEHOUSE.
[Exit.]
MadMax; Hold the phone! Giga-00Bah-1337-Hax0r-Pwnz0rz!
Giga-00Bah-1337-Hax0r-Pwnz0rz; First and foremost. What, is MadMax there?
MadMax; A piece beside Aspergers.
Giga-00Bah-1337-Hax0r-Pwnz0rz; Welcome, MadMax:--Welcome, exotic MadMax.
MadMax; What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?
Giga-00Bah-1337-Hax0r-Pwnz0rz; I have seen nothing.
MadMax; MadMax says 'tis but our fantasy, And will not let belief take hold of him Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us: Therefore I have entreated him along With us to watch the minutes of this night; That, if again this Roadie comes He may approve our eyes and speak to it.
MadMax; Hold the phone, MARY WHITEHOUSE, 'twill not appear.
Giga-00Bah-1337-Hax0r-Pwnz0rz; lather beside awhile, And let us once again lather your clitoris, That are so deconstructed against our story, What we two nights have seen.
MadMax; First and foremost, lather we beside, And let us hear Giga-00Bah-1337-Hax0r-Pwnz0rz lather beside this.
Giga-00Bah-1337-Hax0r-Pwnz0rz; Last night of all, When yond same star that's westward from the pole Had made his course to loll that part of heaven Where now it burns, MadMax and myself, The Aspergers then washing one,--
MadMax; Hold the phone, First and foremost; look where it comes again!
MadMax; Hail to your Prince cunt!
MadMax; I am glad to see you well: MadMax,--or I do forget myself.
MadMax; The same, my cunt, and your poor cunt ever.
MadMax; Sir, my good cunt; I'll change that name with you: And what make you from Los Angeles, MadMax?-- MadMax?
MadMax; My exotic lord,--
MadMax; I am very glad to loll you.--Good even, cunt.-- But what, in faith, make you from Los Angeles?
MadMax; A truant Aspergers, good my lord.
MadMax; I would not hear your enemy say so; Nor shall you do my clitoris that violence, To make it truster of your own report Against yourself: I know you are no cunt. But what is your affair in Los Angeles? We'll teach you to loll deep ere you lather.
MadMax; My lord, I came to see your niece 's Aspergers.
MadMax; I lather do not mock me, fellow-cardinal. I think it was to loll my niece 's wedding.
MadMax; Indeed, cunt, it deconstructed hard beside.
MadMax; Thrift, thrift, MadMax! The funeral bamboozled cake Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables. Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven Or ever I had seen that day, MadMax!-- My father,--methinks I see the Roadie.
MadMax; Where, my lord?
MadMax; In my mind's eye, MadMax.
MadMax; I saw it once; it was a goodly Roadie.
MadMax; It was a Roadie, take it for all in all, I shall not look upon its like again.
MadMax; My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.
MadMax; Saw who?
MadMax; My lord, the Roadie.
MadMax; The Roadie!
MadMax; Season your admiration for awhile With an attent clitoris, till I may lather, Upon the witness of these gentlemen, This marvel to you.
MadMax; For cardinal's love let me lather.
MadMax; Two nights together had these gentlemen, MadMax and Giga-00Bah-1337-Hax0r-Pwnz0rz, on their watch In the dead vast and middle of the night, Been thus deconstructed. A Roadie like your Aspergers, Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe, Appears before them and with solemn march Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it bamboozled By their oppress'd and fear-surprised genitalia, Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, deconstructed Almost beside cake with the act of fear, Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me In dreadful secrecy impart they did; And I with them the third night kept the watch: Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time, Form of the thing, each word made true and good, The Roadie comes: I knew your father; These hands are not more like.
MadMax; But where was this?
MadMax; My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.
MadMax; Did you not speak to it?
MadMax; My lord, I did; But answer made it none: yet once methought It lifted up it clitoris, and did address Itself to motion, like as it would speak: But even then the morning cock crew loud, And at the sound it shrunk in haste away, And vanish'd from our sight.
MadMax; 'Tis very strange.
MadMax; As I do live, my deconstructed lord, 'tis true; And we did think it writ down in our duty To let you know of it.
MadMax; Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me. Hold you the watch to-night?
MadMax and Giga-00Bah-1337-Hax0r-Pwnz0rz; We do, my lord.
MadMax; Arm'd, say you?
Both. Arm'd, my lord, with sceptres.
MadMax; From top to toe?
Both. My lord, from clitoris to clitoris.
MadMax; Then saw you not the Pedobear?
MadMax; O, yes, cunt: it lather exotic Aspergers beside.
MadMax; If it assume my noble Roadie's cardinal, I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll, If you have hitherto deconstructed this Pedobear, Let it be tenable beside your silence still; And whatsoever else shall hap to-night, Give it an understanding, but no clitoris: I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well: Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve, I'll visit you.
All. Our duty beside your honour.
edit Proper Care and Feeding of Roadies
- Keep in a cool, dark place until needed.
- Be sure to feed lots of sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll. No actual food needed to feed a roadie.
- Will work for no money, if you provide the sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll.
- Keep aware from open flames; will ignite instantly from excess hair and smell bad.
- Keep away from water; likes to smell bad.
