Road kill

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Roadkill or Bushmeat (calque from the French viande de brousse) is the term commonly used for meat of terrestrial wild animals, run over for fun or by mistake throughout the humid tropics of the Americas, Asia, and Africa. Wildlife crossings were created to allow animals to travel over or underneath roads. They are most widely used in Europe, but have also been installed in a few U.S. locations and in parts of Western Canada. As new highways cause habitats to become increasingly fragmented, these crossings could play a crucial role in protecting endangered species.(as soon as animals learn how to use them.)

Alternatively it is a high class cuisine enjoyed by pillars of society such as Rednecks, Trailer Trash, Pikeys, Lowlifes, Bankers, and Top Gear Presenters.

Contents 1 History 2 Evolution 3 Uses 4 Fun Recipe 4.1 Roadkill Stew

edit History

Roadkill has dates back to the days of the horseless carriage, as newly invented roads were ill-explained to animals. Many theories have arose why animals tend to cross roads. Sigmund Freud hypothesized this in his book "Some times a bunny is just pavement". In this highly acclaimed manuscript he explored the tendency of albino Peruvian three toed prairie lions to stand in the path of large motor vehicles when near the end of their life cycles. It created a precedence in the animal kingdom that spread like wild fire. In response to this the united nations soon formed laws preventing Vehicle assisted suicides among woodland creatures.

In 1945 the American Auto Industry started designing larger vehicles to combat the loss of human life in vehicle/animal accidents. In 1964 the National Brewers Association released a study that concluded drunk drivers were not nearly as dangerous as, deer who ran in front of drunk drivers causing them to swerve into oncoming traffic. Further studies released in the late 1980's found that unsafe road conditions were caused by a lower I.Q. among road construction crews. It explained how confounded by the presence of animal carcasses on the road way they would just pave over them.

edit Evolution

The evolution of road kill has progressed greatly in recent years as highway speeds restrictions have been relaxed. This has led to faster animals, as it is a hell of a lot harder to find the sweet spot on the front of a 2010 corvette traveling at 97 miles per hour. In the 30's an animal sometimes had to wait ten or twenty minutes to get struck by a model a ford that lacked the turning radius to swerve. This has also had its drawbacks in the animal kingdom as some species unable to evolve at a fast enough rate, are left with finding other ways to commit suicide. Some species such as the Dodo bird simply had to rely on heavy smoking and binge drinking to end their tenure on earth.

edit Uses

This form of Passive Eugenics leads to many fine rewards. The meat of roadkill is a favored ingredient in cuisine in many third world nations. This is also true of the Southern United States were it is a staple to a well balanced diet. In the case of word roadkill as a slang word in modern English, it refers to someone who died, by abrupt and spectacular means. This creates a great spectacle for bored motorists and pursuing paparazzi. Some news outlets will pay thousands of dollars for pictures of a drunken celebrity in some state biological or anatomical disorganization. Hundreds of thousands if you can capture those final blood curdling moments on video. Remember to stay vigilant your moment could come soon. If its only a dead squirrel, well, if its warm its edible( unless its winter than its just a mystery).

edit Fun Recipe

Large animals including deer, moose, bear and elk are frequently struck in some parts of the United States, as well as smaller animals such as armadillos, raccoons, skunks and birds. Fresh kill is preferred and worms are a concern, so the kill is typically well cooked. Advantages of the roadkill diet, apart from its low cost, are that the animals that roadkill scavengers eat are naturally high in vitamins and proteins with lean meat and little saturated fat, and generally free of additives and drugs.

edit Roadkill Stew

What you’ll need:

• One pound Velveeta cheese
• One can Crushed tomatoes and peppers
• One dead skunk OR One live raccoon, A Buick, and a driveway
• ½ cup diced onions
• ½ cup chopped jalapenos, use habenaros if the meat is crawling( that will kill what ever is inside!)
• One teaspoon minced garlic

Directions:

• Cut the Velveeta into cubes and add the tomatoes.
• If you choose a live raccoon now would be the time to run it over with the Buick.
• Blow the skunk/raccoon skin off with a blowtorch.
• Leave skunk/raccoon to cool down.
• When they are cool enough, clean the rest of the skin with a steel wool.
• Eviscerate the Roadkill and split it.
• Put all the good roadkill parts in a jar, with the fresh peppers, herbs and oil.
• Leave this for half an hour in the sun.
• Put in meat grinder (add not so good roadkill parts and a dash of raw anger)
• Fry the sausage or beef, along with the onions, jalapenos, and garlic. Crumble and drain on paper towels.
• Microwave the cheese and tomatoes on high for about one minute. Stir. Return to microwave until completely smooth and melted. Add the remaining ingredients and mix well.