From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“I miss the old days, everyone is too fucking plastic now. I'm not being funny, every fucking show I go to is riddled with goddamn retards in vinyl. Whatever happened to leather, lace and the BDSM shit I loved back at my Shotgun Messiah shows? Fucking poseurs nowadays. Probably never even heard of WAX! Trax I bet. Fuckheads.”
“And then YOU wept, assholes.”
Rivethead is a term commonly used to refer to one of the many creepy goths, and their boots, that were too cool to bother with the old-skool victorian "goth" look which they think looks too pussy or attempt to become Al Yankovic Quaeda. It is a well known fact that EBM originates in Nazi daycare camps, and was invented by a German soldier who took a bet that he could go a month without pleasuring himself with jewish donkeys. Since then the rivethead has eluded modern science by hiding under rocks and huffing kittens, providing them with energy to stomp on ravers and goths, and fueling their wars with rival underground mutants that originate from various toxic waste spills or nuclear mishaps. In 1993, rivethead sightings began to rise in popular metropolitan areas, forcing the American government and doctor who to acknowledge the threat that these creatures posed. In response to the increase in rivethead population, President "Badass" Clinton turned over control of an elite taskforce of urban soldiers to Al Jourgensen, who preceded
to take one thorough ass bite out of crime by doing all drugs in sight. By 1996, any Rivetheads that had not been slain had been deported to canada, or given jobs in Hollywood movies as overly aggressive supervillain extras who subsequently die in the first 5 minutes of the movie, thereby scrambling our brains with heroin. Through intense research, scientists have determined that all of the remaining population is sterile, due to their excessive genital piercings. After a review of their mating rituals, it seems that the rivetheads have just started using fuckmachines to reproduce. The result is this.
The most common theory of the origin of rivetheads is that in the first three seconds after the begining, Lord Satan jumped onto God's back and began to rape him with much vigor. When Satan pulled out, the mixture of divine blood and satanic semen fell to the earth and up popped Andy LaPlegua. On primal instinct, he began to bash in the heads of all the ravers in his sight and from their blood the species known as rivethead grew, and continues to grow today.
The typical rivethead can be recognized by their fruity-post-apocalyptic look. Although the intended use of the goggles is unclear, most believe that they are worn in an effort to ward off the powerful rays of our yellow sun (as it is very bright in god's anus, thus scarring their cornias). They may also use these goggles as a way of proceeding to their aquatic adventures. Rocketboots are also common, and if cornered, these ghastly apparitions have been known to fly to the safety of the local industrial club. Among many females in this scene and (unfortunately) some males, synthetic hair is common. This synthetic hair also gives them the ability to be elitist and arrogant cunts and make a Myspace, Vampirefreaks, and Dark Starlings account. You can find them under a username like "RazorBladeCandy," "NuclearWhatever," a random German phrase such as "Destroying New Buildings," or any random word with "cunt" at the end. You can usually find them saying how much of a bitch they are and how much better they are than you and they also refer to him/herself as "she" or "he" to make themselves have more of a "mysterious" and loner feel. But, they're just mad because they can't handle our Earth's yellow rays, so they take it out on us norms.
edit Breeding Habits
It has already been noted that rivetheads are impotent and unattractive, with serious genetic problems due to fallout, however their rarity is also partly due to an scarcity of females of the species. Given the difficulty of reproducing organically, it is more common for Rivetheads forsake human flesh in favor of cold, hard, electronics. It is not uncommon for a creature such as this to marry a washing machine or a flashlight. For these, the sound of an unbalanced load is often taken as an invitation to mate. Should you find a rivethead fondling the knobs of an appliance, or telling it that it's "well-oiled", it's best to back away. They can be jealous of their mates.
While rare, female rivetheads do exist, but are often mistaken for militant lesbians, causing the male to shy away in fear. This often forces the male of the species, when attempting to breed organically, to mate with female goths, or goths which he mistakes for female as it is sometimes hard to tell, particularly if wearing goggles or a gas mask. For some obscure genetic reason, the resulting offspring usually has synthetic, neon hair. It's likely the radiation.
However, should (for whatever reason) female rivetheads attempt to locate a male rivethead with which to breed, it should be noted that the scent of WD-40 or motor oil is highly attractive and makes an excellent lubricant.
It should be noted that beyond their healthy diet of Goths, Jews, dead babies, celebrity Lard, and ravers. Rivetheads can often times be found eating a special kind of snack called Rivetbread. Rivetbread is baked by the most powerful of all the dwarf bakers (see Christopher Reeves) of the underworld, and provides that necessary boost for rape, pillage, and otherwise wanton destruction.
edit Social Habits
Although rivetheads have no social lives outside of their small elite circles, preferring desolate abandoned warehouses to city streets, it has been observed that despite their extreme aggressive tendencies, they are actually quite avid internet nerds, lying about their penis sizes in online masturbation forums, and lying to themselves when they receive those annoying "would you like to increase your penis size" emails. Rivetheads are fluent in both German and Leet, and speak broken English only when completely necessary.
To attract mates, they drive down the street blairing the legendary "Closer" song by NINE INCH NAILS. Who the fuck would let these things in them? Cthulhu. That is who. Cthulhu, whores and heroin junkies.
To enter the rivethead nation, other than being born or blessed in (as with other gangs), the process sounds simple, but is one only true
noize musik fans rivetheads can endure. They must listen to all 25 hours of recorded material of the suspiciously named TG24. What is TG24 you may ask? It is 4 adults doing everything that is comprised of in every industrial recording ever made. In 25 hours. Chainsaws? Probably. Screaming. Most assurably. Discipline? O yes, you get it! Ian Brady? Unfortunately he could not make an appearance.
After about 2 minutes of the initial track, signs of weakness begin to reveal themselves in the initiate as he begins bumping into things and jumping up and down in agony. As the minutes drone on (as the song is mostly droning at first) discoloration of the pheces and urine may occur as well as outburst of pain at the ear-splitting assault. The initiate may pass out by the end of "Very Friendly" but those that persist on with this massive assault to both the psyche and ears are comforted by a slowed-down, repetitive mumbling of Genesis P-Orridge. They may go into a state of concentration on the chaos going on in their minds and stare at horror at the next 24 hours contained in the box.
After about 12 hours, anyone that is not dead is assumed to be hardcore enough to hear REAL SHIT. So the Merzbox is switched and a new assault of true electronic japnoise begins. This is where the initiates fate is decided. If he gets up and throws his headphones off, then ask "What the fuck, wheres the good shit?" then he is an elitist prick and may don his first pair of combat boots. If he continues on in a comatose state.....well, then he may be in a coma. If he enjoys it, he is shipped to Japan to live under a railway.
Women are gang-raped in. NO EXCEPTIONS.
While the only real band that a rivethead will listen to is Nine Inch Nails or anything else involving all-god TRENT REZNOR, here are some earlier bands. And no, none of these are made up.
- Throbbing Gristle (ever wanted to hear someone yell "I WANT DISCIPLINE" for 9 minutes straight with the reverb on? Well, you are in luck!)
- Pigface (super-group of every-fucking-body to ever apply the term industrial to their music)
- My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult (formed to do a soundtrack to a movie never made, shows their level of success)
- Sheep on Drugs (I really shouldn't have to explain this)
- Marilyn Manson and the Spooky Kids (soooo came out before NIN and Trent copied Manzin!)
- Einsturzende Neubauten (Apparently Germans like to smoke, blow up buildings and shriek into microphones while banging on metal)
- Kein Mitleid für Die Mehrheit OR KMFDM (translated: Kill Mother Fucking Depeche Mode!)
- Skinny Puppy (also known as Greyhound)
- Slick Idiot (don't ask)
- Revolting Cocks (don't ask, don't tell)
- Echo and the Bunnymen (synths + 80's = Industrial?)
- Gary Numan and the Tubeway Army (Same math as above)
- Tears for Fears (under the subgenre of GAY INDUSTRIAL)
- SPK (Simple Pie=Kake)
- Evil Mothers (They rape you in your sleep)
- Chrome (These guys are LEGENDS that never learned to play instruments and disappeared at the dawn of the electronic age, so you can get their entire catalog for 10 bucks here)
- 1000 Homo DJs (Did nothing but Black Sabbath covers and Ministry side-shit, but
it was all surprisingly good- just go listen to Black Sabbath)
- Bile (Played in a movie, did not get credit and have
onetwo good songs)
- Controlled Bleeding (Brass Knuckles + Vox + Drum Barrels and Throat singing =
- Prong (Lobster)
- Pop Will Eat Itself (and it did, now we have goddamn justin bieber)
- Saul Williams (industrial RAP)
- Meat Beat Manifesto (industrial RAP, just not as good as Saul)
- Psychic TV (The same lead singer as Throbbing Gristle, just he's had a sex change is all)
- Pearl Necklace (Seriously, don't ask)
- Kraftwerk (Germans who are so meticulous with their appearance, music and performance that they cannot be distinguished from their robot counterparts in the west world movie.)
This is just a VERY short list of the most "influential" bands in Industrial, as every industrial artist feels the need to either do a side-project or another fucking collaboration of some sort with somebody else in the community. This used to be just fine because everyone could just join PIGFACE and fuck off and put out records that 50,000
pissed off retards devoted fans would buy...that is until Dwayne Goettel of Skinny Puppy died (or maybe it was William S. Burroughs?) and from there it has been a slow decline into the same electronic beat shit that everyone from Velvet Acid Christ to Mindless Self Indulgence puts out, with the exceptions being COMBICHRIST, Aesthetic Perfection, OhGr and God Module.
No matter who you talk to in the community though, it is pretty much agreed upon three things:
1-Merzbow is a fucking idiot, 2-VNV Nation is
amazing DISREGARD THAT IT SUCKS COCKS!!! (serioulsy though, the previous two suck alot of balls.)
and 3-KMFDM forever sucks.
not be confused with Craig Rivet's head.