River Mersey

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River Mersey
Liverpool Waterfront from the Mersey, note the blue water, dyed for aesthetic reasons from its natural faecal brown colour .
Counties Greater Manchester Cheshire Merseyside
Source Stockport
Mouth Liverpool
Length 70miles/113km

The River Mersey is a river in the North West of England that forms a natural boundary between the traditional counties of Cheshire and Lancashire. For centuries, it has been the means of transporting raw materials northern England and equally useful as a dumping ground for all of the shit individuals and businesses alike wanted to get shut of.

The name Mersey derives from the Saxon word for “brown dysenteric stream”.

edit Course

edit Source

In 1855, explorer Dr David Livingstone (of “Dr Livingstone, I presume” fame) set out on an expedition to find the mythical source of the Mersey. Taking a train from Liverpool to Manchester and then a carriage to Stockport he found the source fairly quickly declaring it to be at the confluence of the Rivers Goyt and Tame, stopped for a sandwich and some tea in a nice little café on the outskirts of the town, then returned to Liverpool where he arrived by nightfall. Impressed with the ease in which he found the source of the Mersey, he decided he would next have a crack at the Nile which proved to be slightly harder.

edit Stockport to Warrington

From Stockport the river runs through Manchester and Salford (if it walked, it would get mugged) where it temporarily joins the Manchester Ship Canal, which was built by the cheapskate Mancunians who resented paying fees to Liverpool to get their raw materials unloaded and sent on to the mills where they were needed. Instead, they build a big canal and docks in Salford and Manchester to receive their ships directly. Unfortunately, the massive cost of the project meant it took them a century to pay for it, by which tome the mills were closing and there was no need for the canal any more, meaning they would have been better off just paying Liverpool to handle the ships. Scousers 1, Mancs 0.

Example alt text

Runcorn Bridge, like Sydney Harbour Bridge but not

The river works its way through Warrington, where angy locals shout abuse at the water, accusing the river of witchcraft due to their lack of understanding of the phenomenon of the reflection.

edit The Runcorn Gap

After the horrors of Warrington, things don’t get any better for the Mersey as they pass through the Runcorn Gap, a narrowing of the river with the towns of Runcorn and Widnes on either side. Historically, businesses in this area were enthusiastic dumpers of all sorts of lovely stuff into the river.

edit Estuary

The river begins to widen after this point into the Mersey Estuary, passing Liverpool John Lennon Airport. Liverpool decided they needed to name the airport after someone as everyone knows that people only fly to airports named after famous celebrities. Being only being only famous for football and The Beatles Liverpool decided to draw up a long-list of famous football related personalities and Beatles Members. Discounting footballers because whoever they chose would piss off half the city and cause much whining. As such, the short list consisted of the four Beatles with a tag line from one of their songs as follows:

The river eventually reaches the Port of Liverpool, where it opens into the Irish Sea. The port of Liverpool was once one of the largest in the world. Its demise led to mass unemployment amongst dock workers and prostitutes.


The infamous Ferret across the Mersey was a popular tourist attraction until the late 1970s and the only member of the Genus Mustela to be viewable from space.

Liverpool is the site where one can take a Ferry Across the Mersey to the Wirral, made famous by the Gerry & The Pacemakers hit, Ferry Cross the Mersey. Every time the ferry lands at the Pier Head, the song plays. Over and over and over. This is thought to be behind the high suicide rate amongst ferry staff.

edit Ecology

The River Mersey was famed for being completely devoid of life and smelling awfully bad. The dye manufacturers in the upper reaches of the basin pumped excess chemicals into the water, mercury came in from Stockport’s Hatters, the million kinds of shit produced in Manchester and Salford came next with the final insult of the horrors of the chemical industry in Widnes and Runcorn meant that by the time it reached Liverpool, it was illegal to refer to the river as “water” under the Trade Descriptions Act as the liquid flowing in the river contained none, just an horrific soup of shit and chemicals.

Happily though, because we import everything from China now, there is little industry on the river and life has returned. Even salmon can be seen in certain parts, actual live ones, not the tinned variety.

The river mersey also host many of the common forms of shopping trolleys (shoppin trollicus)such as asda and tesco.

edit See Also

  • Liverpool
  • Greater Manchester
  • Merseyside
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