Ritchie Blackmore

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Ritchie Blackmore.
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Blackmore performing in 2009

“You can't fire me!”
~ Donald Trump on Ritchie Blakmore
“Hey Nonny Nonny, Hey Nonny Ney!”
~ Ritchie Blackmore's answer to any question put to him.

Richard Hugh "The Black Liver" Blackmore, (also known as Richard Hugh "YOU CAN'T FIRE ME" Blackmore) is an English guitarist, farmer and the inventor of the chicken-powered automatic gun. He has been a founding member of both Deep Purple and Rainbow. He is also known for firing every member of the band Rainbow and almost everyone he wishes to fire. He is the original Donald Trump.

edit Biography

edit Early life

Blackmore was born in Camelot, England, but moved to Heston at the age of two (amazing how he knew where to go at such an early age).

He got his first guitar from his epileptic grandmother that used it for dark rituals that involved blood, dead ravens and nachos.He was influenced by early rockers like Oscar Wilde and Chuck Norris. With Jon Lord, Jon Bon Jovi and John Wayne he co-founded the hard rock group Deep Purple. Around the same time he also invented the famous chicken-powered automatic gun.

edit Deep Purple

The name for the band came one night in a pub when Ritchie had a fight with some guy. Some guy punched him in the eye, and it turned a purple colour. Being that some guy actually pushed his eyeball in, the doctor who examined him said it was "really deep".

They released their first album Shades of a very, very deep purple colour in 1968. After The cook of Taliesyn and Purple jeep they released In doc which was about Ritchie Blackmore's frightening experience of being stuck in his doctor's anus for two hours. This album turned from a pop-oriented sound of the previous albums (which sucked) to the hard hardness that is hard rock. The album Machinebed was released in 1971, and contains the famous fried chicken recipe Bloke on Water which was about some guy drowning. The name Machinebed came from Ritchie Blackmore's frightening experience of being stuck in a vibrating bed for two hours. In 1975 Blackmore left the band to form Rainbow

edit Rainbow

Rainbow band

Blackmore, center, with Rainbow in 1977

After Deep Purple, Blackmore formed the Hard rock band Rainbow. The name of the band Rainbow came from Ritchie Blackmore's frightening experience of falling into a hole while chasing a rainbow and being stuck in there for two hours. An elf Ronnie James Dio saved him using his special powers to get Blackmore out of the hole.

The band's debut album, Ritchie Blackmore's Rainbow, was released in 1975. The style was different from Deep Purple's because Blackmore and Dio experimented with medieval and hospital themes, which combined with Blackmore's love for classical music and microwaves produced (much like the atomic bomb or Steven Segal) something unique.

Blackmore took a shitload of LSD and fired every single original band member, minus Dio, shortly after the album was recorded and recruited a new lineup to record the album Rainbow Rising.

For the next album, he took a a smaller dose of LSD, so he kept drummer Cozy Powell and Dio and replaced the rest of the band (again). After the albums release and supporting tour, Ronnie James Dio left Rainbow due to "creative differences and really bad coffee".

Blackmore continued with Rainbow and the band released a new album entitled Down To Earth. The name of the album came from Blackmore's frightening experience of falling from the third floor of a building. He broke all three of his legs. He was found by some guy two hours later. He went back to Deep Purple in 1984

edit Deep Purple again

Run forest

Blackmore (center) shortly after a live performance with Deep Purple in San Francisco, 1985

In April 1984 the album Perfect Strangers was released. It was about Blackmore's frightening experience of meeting two stranger who drugged him and did some freaky stuff to him while he was under narcotics. He woke up two hours later with a strange taste in his mouth. So, after a few more albums, he left Deep Purple (again) and reformed Rainbow (yes, again)

edit The second Rainbow

Ritchie Blackmore reformed Rainbow after leaving Deep Purple a second time in 1993. In 1995 they released Stranger in Us All which was about Blackmore's frightening experience of having a doctor's head stuck in his anus for two hours. He hired a hermaphrodite named Joe Lynn Turner whom was apparently gayer than him.

edit The Blackmore's Night

In 1997, Blackmore created the Disco group Blackmore's Night. The name came from Blackmore's frightening experience which he had one hot summer night that lasted for two hours. Not much is known about this incident, but it has been suggested that Michael Jackson has something to do with it, but this is highly unlikely, because Ritchie Blackmore is almost definitely not a teenage boy.

edit Tributes

Redneckwedding

He and bandmate Candice Night have had a relationship since 1989 and have been living together since 1991. They got engaged in 1994 and eventually married on October 5, 2008.

Over the years, most of Blackmore's former bandmates have paid tribute to him on specially designed records or included hidden references to him in their lyrics. In 1997, 15 of his former 'fired' bandmates got together to record the Album "Long Live Everything But Ritchie Blackmore". Track listing given below:

  1. Nick Simper - 'Listen , Learn, Sign On'.
  2. Roger Glover briefly featuring Nick Simper - 'Might Just Take Your Job'
  3. Rod Evans - 'Chasing Royalties'
  4. Ian Gillan - 'Never Again'
  5. Glenn Hughes - 'I Can't Do It White'
  6. David Coverdale - 'Contracts Don't Mean A Thing'
  7. Mickey Lee Soule - 'Still I'm Sad - And Unemployed'
  8. Ronnie James Dio - 'If You Don't Like Rock 'N Roll Anymore, Then I'm Leaving'
  9. Graham Bonnett - 'Love's No Friend and Neither Is Ritchie Blackmore'
  10. Cozy Powell - 'Since I've Been Gone, Things Have Never Been Better'
  11. Don Airey - 'Difficult To Please'
  12. Joe Lynn Turner - 'Can't Let You Go, Give Me Another Chance Please, Please, Please, I'll Even Carry Your Bags And Shine Your Shoes Sir'
  13. Jon Lord - 'Dead Or Alive Couldn't Care Less'
  14. Ian Paice - 'You Really Are A Nasty Peice Of Work'
  15. Doogie White - 'Cold Hearted Bastard'

Ironically, the album features a hidden bonus track featuring Blackmore himself, playing an unaccompanied accoustic version of Deep Purple's 1971' 'I'm Alone'

edit Personal Life

When Blackmore was 3 years old, his father took him to the corner of the room and left him there. He emerged from the same corner 20 years to the day later an embittered man. He fired his parents almost immediately and attributes this incident as the cause of why he's such a moody bastard. Ritchie has been married 48 times and is the father of 320 known children. It is reported that his Child support payments single handedly maintains the British economy. All of his previous wives were fired as were at least 75% of his children, the wheareabouts of the other children are unknown. Ritchie's seemingly blessed life took a downturn when he married an American Jew and was sent to Auchwitz where he was forbidden from playing anything but 'hey nonny nonny' music for the rest of his life.

edit Interests

Apart from firing people, Ritchie has many outside interests away from the music industry.

He was President of the 'Canvey Island Independence committee' for 12 years until he actually went there and observed that Canvey Island was actually a shithole.

A life long football fan, he played for Chelsea in a brief but colourful career that spanned between 3pm and 3:07pm on October 26th 1996 after a controversial penalty decision in which the fiercely competetive Blackmore had garotted Sunderland's Goal Keeper with the A string of his guitar, he refused to leave the field and instead continually played the Deep Purple song 'Mistreated' in protest until he was physically removed from the pitch by 3000 very pissed off Sunderland supporters. He then proceed to buy a seat on the board of the FA and subsequently fired the offending referee and gave all the Sunderland team life time bans which resulted in their relegation.

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