Ringo Starr
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| |||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [Source] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||
“I carried The Beatles”
~ Ringo Starr on Himself
“Who?”
~ The Average Joe on Ringo Starr
“Do you Ringo?”
~ Ringo Starr on the popular biscuits ad
“I can outplay Ringo with only one arm!”
~ Lars Ulrich on Ringo Starr
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!"
~ Rick Allen on Lars Ulrich
“A recording contract!”
~ Ringo replies to a reporters question, "What sets the Beatles apart from other groups?"
Richard "Bernard-Matthew's" Starkey, more well known as Ringo Starr or The Best Drummer In The World Ever, or That Nose With A Guy Attached To It, was conceived and brought to this world in 1940. Famous for beating a slab of leather stretched across bowls (also known as "drums"), Ringo made his living by being a Beatle. No, not the bug, but a member of the infamous band called The Beatles. With his popularity, he scored with a Bond girl, Barbara Bach, showing the public that even Blue Meanies needed some love.
Contents |
[edit] Early Years
Born on July 7, 1940, Richard Starkey, stark naked, was announced as a healthy baby boy. However, as time crept on, this was proven to be wrong, and Richard spent many of his childhood years in the hospital suffering from diseases including hay fever, flu, yellow (submarine) fever, the black plague, cabin fever, chicken pox, small pox, mad cow disease, and chlamydia. However, young Richard benefited from these horrid stays, for he found his drumming talent one lonely evening after bashing his head (with blunt objects) to produce sounds in a rhythmic pattern. After release from the hospital, at the age of 15, Richard could barely read and write, and clearly quoted "Skool maks me sooper smartt!"
Amazingly surviving to see the light of adulthood, Richard, out of pure happiness and a little help from Samuel Adams, decided to use his talent for the forces of good and join a band. Given two band offers, one from the up and coming group of the mop-topped boys from Liverpool named The Beatles, and one from Rory Storm's Homeosexual Cupcake Parade, this had overwhelmed Richard and forced him to make a quick decision. His experimentation in the hospital (which left him brain damaged) also played a part in his quick choice. Richard chose poorly, and after re-thinking about living in the gutters on the streets of Liverpool, changed his mind and joined the lads, The Beatles. Richard (who had then decided to change his name to Ringo Starr, in a failed attempt to sound more cowboyish) had replaced Nipples McKree, the first drummer for the Beatles. John Lennon quoted about Ringo "He made sucking an art form."
Surprisingly, Nipples wasn't angry. As a matter of fact, he didn't take it in a bad way at all. It has been said that he even baked Ringo a congratulatory cake in hopes of becoming very good friends with him. However, a few days later, Ringo was found coughing up chunks of his small intestine, and rumors of a trial have not yet been proven.
[edit] Role In The Beatles
“Hi, I'm Ringo Starr, everybody's ninth favourite Beatle.”
~ Ringo Starr on Popularity
"Drummin’ ain’t easy," quoted Ringo, "having to move your hands and arms up and down for an hour or two. Wow! It’s a work out."
Ringo was considered the heart behind the Beatles music. As Harrison said "He keeps the beat up in the Beatles. Truly amazing drummin’. Now, where’s my bong?"
Supplying the beat and rhythm to all the Beatles songs, some say that if the bass, guitar, and vocals were taken away from any tune, you can still identify it with the drum beats.
For example:
-On the track I’m Only Sleeping the beat sounds like: Thump-thu-thump-thu-thump
-On the track Birthday it's more like: Thump-thump-thump-thump
-On the track What You’re Doing it’s a lot like: Thumpity-thump-thumpity-thump-thump
-On the track When I’m Sixty-Four the beat goes: Thumpthumpthumpthumpa chaka chak dong
And the infinite list goes on.
Many song contributions can be found made by Starr as well, including Don’t Pass My Pie on their Green Album, Octagonally Garden on the Abbey Knowed album, I Wanna Steal Your Man on their Beat The Beatles album, Yellow Bumblebee on the Revolting album, and many more. Ringo "sang" lead vocal on several songs, the Beatles being that popular that it didn't matter.
[edit] Lifestyle
Before settling down, Ringo led a simple and calm life. From living in the rolling hills to eating three meals a day, included with soda-pop filled condoms. From daily fishing to having a legion of beautiful women doing the Deed Of Darkness with him (so long as he wore a paper bag over his head), Ringo lived a normal life.
After the Beatles splitting, however, his lifestyle had dramatically changed. Among the more disgusting acts that he performed, these included scavenging for food in trash cans, using a credit card for spreading peanut butter (on cardboard, I might add), and bathing in the local church’s holy water.
[edit] Recent Years
When the Beatles split, Ringo was unaware of the fact that the other members had written him out of the testicles. However, as the former Beatles were making their solo records, they were all in need of a decent hot meal. Ringo was the only one available in such short notice, ingenuously cooking stew in his kettle drum. All was forgiven.
Ringo appears on such albums as George Harrison’s All Bowels Must Pass(based on their shared stew experiments, in which George added spam to his- see:(George Harrison biography)and John Lennon’s John Lennon/Plastic Oh-No More Stew Band. All these references brought about rampant rumors that "Stu is alive!" (Stu Sutcliff, former band member who, just before the band became famous, disconnected his phone and moved to Spain in perpetuity). Later "Band With The Runs" had hidden explanations for Stu when held up to the light on a certain angle in the Southern Hemisphere. None were satisfactory to fans, even though this caused over 1 billion copies of "Runs" to be sold, bought by fans desperate for answers. Secret surveillance of one member began when public outcry for the resolution of the Stu question forced government action. Finally a sobbing Ringo was forced to admit to the world on live television that they, particularly he, was very hungry, and had had such bent experiences with stew. He was cornered by the ravenous press to relate every detail, such as: he, the cook of the house, had added cold turkey to the stew one particular night! Realizing that much of 70's music was influenced by artists inspired by their sufferings from poorly prepared stew, and not much else, just changed EVERYTHING. Illusions were smashed, not only about them, but us. We just went home and really wallowed for a couple of days, pulling the covers over our head, wondering if anything was real. Soon after getting out of bed, worldwide consciousness of Ringo's hunger began to spread. This awareness broadened to include other struggling drum..
(deep breath and hyperventriculation)
..mers and hungry children in Africa and Liverpool. With heartfelt encouragement, Ringo helped organize Spam Aid, which was formed with many famous artists and bands to record songs and have a huge concert with all proceeds for food going to Ringo, Africa, and Liverpool. "Do They Know It's Liverpool Shipping Industry Day" (Liverpool's biggest holiday), became Spam Aid's #1 hit, creating millions of dollars for food. Decent fast and fresh pizza delivery quickly appeared in the hungriest areas. At first delivery drivers had great difficulties getting to the neediest, due to lack of named roads and house numbers. Then cars began distributing pizza, ice cream truck style, with loudspeakers blaring a jingle. This soon became a problem when it was learned that the jingle (a catchy old tune Ringo was on) being broadcast didn't translate well at all. To the native populations it was understood as saying: "Come now let your babies drive your cars, then give them to Ringo Starr..." A few wreaked vehicles were mysteriously shipped to Ringo before these lyrical indiscrepancies were discovered. The bugs pertaining to the various delivery regions were worked out; even the difficulties getting pizza to Ringo were surmounted. During this time pizza delivery stores sprang up everywhere in the U.S., and Ringo was acknowledged as being the forerunner in the field, laying the groundwork to make this a popular, multi-billion dollar industry. Ringo was a hero! ------------------------------------------------------------- The offers stopped rolling in and Ringo soon went into human trafficking. After noticing, Ringo fled to the idea of making his own solo album "Ringo Needs Some Money". Even though the album had supplied him with the much needed vagina, Starr was still experiencing some heavy financial problems. Without enough money to even afford a recording session, Ringo’s dream of recording his next solo, "Ringo Needs Shoes", never came true.
And now, our poor Ringo still tries to remain in the public eye by appearing in cartoons such as The Simpletons and Future Drama, voice acting in kiddy shows like Thomas The Bank Tenor, and even acting in recent pornos like Ringo Barr and Starr Burst. Having his own band as well, the Almost Starrs group, Ringo has been rolling in the dough slowly and making a living as a has been.
Upon seizing absolute power as the president of Iran, Ringo immediately declared a jihad against The Who. Cheeky bastards. This is especially ironic, since Ringo's son, Zaqq al-Starqi, is currently the drummer for the band. Ringo also continues to taunt George W. Bush and the nation of Israel with his covert nuclear weapons program.
Recent plans have not been made for Ringo to come back to the music world. However he has been talking about starting up his own cooking show in-titled Ringo Cookin'.
[edit] No More Fan Mail....Peace & Love Peace & Love
In October 2008, Ringo made an unrehearsed and unscripted video blog entry on his website, asking fans not to send anymore fanmail or autograph requests to ANY address that they have. Sadly, Ringo neglected to mention that it was still OK to send fan mail to artists other than him, but the damage was done and the memorabilia business went into terminal decline within a matter of hours. Some celebrities such as British TV gameshow host Jim Bowen, saw a sharpe decline in fan mail, from two per year to none at all. Below is a transcript of Ringo's crack fuelled bollock ridden rant. "Hello commoners, this is Kingo Ringo, Peace & Love Peace & Love you fuckwits!!! Thank you for being loyal fans over the last 2 years and for buying all my albums, even the really shitty ones. Because of you, I now have a gazillion pounds in a Swiss Bank and I really don't need you anymore. Please do not send anything to any address that you have, anything you send after October 20th, will be tossed on and thrown away. I've too much to do and can't be arsed with your constant badgering all the time. So I played the drums in some band over 40 years ago, So fuckin' what, get a fuckin' life and move on!!!. Anyway you have been warned October 20th is the tossing date. Peace & Love, Peace & Love you Wankers"
Sadly, Ringo's attitude landed him in hot water as after throwing away three years worth of Council Tax bill's, thinking they were fan mail, he was sentenced to 25 years for tax evasion in 2011.
