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“I can't go to prison! I'm too pretty! I'll get raped!”
“May I say what a charming blouse that is you have on!”
“Look, stop turning everything dirty will you! I am trying to fuck the Queen!”
“You just sit down there and drink your tea! Before I have to force it down your throat!”
The Rik Mayall, the late great comedy giant in the world of light entertainment was born, by his own admission, like 'a tripod'. He considered his fans to be 'his ordinarys' to whom he may have, if he was feeling generous, given free autographs to in order to brighten up their otherwise hopeless lives.
Rik has been in a number of classic televisual feasts during his many years of being known throughout the world. There's The Young Ones, Bottom and that other one with Nigel Planer that not many people have actually seen. Rik was usually seen in shows and performances with his comedy partner Ade Edmondson, whom he regularly fantasises about in his book Rik Mayall: Bigger Than Chegwin, Better Than Piles. Despite living an action-packed life of adventure, sordid masturbation and nob gags he recently lived a much quieter life in the country on his farm where he regularly lost arguments with Quad Bikes.
edit Early Life
The Rik Mayall was born on Augustus the 37th, 126.96.36.199. When he was born he delighted the nurses with an impromptu stand up routine where he read out some abysmal poetry he had written whilst inside the womb. Shortly after the nurses had tried to stuff him back in he decided that such a routine will undoubtedly get the fanny and thus a TV legend was born!
Rik's first paying gig was when he was 7 months old when he performed down at 'Madame Burlesque's House of Tittery'. He read out a poem about clouds and sausages before being booed and pelted with cabbages and used condoms. Undeterred, he decided that if he was going to break out of this shit cycle, he was going to need a partner to blame for each subsequant failure. He placed an advert in the local tabloid and, 20 years later, he received a reply.
edit The Dangerous Brothers
Rik created the Dangerous Brothers with new comedy partner (and nothing else, matey!) Ade Edmondson, 'dangerous' because they regularly ended up nearly killing themselves on stage in each performance. Rik always denied that Adrian was the influence for this violent act, calling him a "lovely guy" and "not my sexual partner, fuckhole!".
During one famous episode things got to such a point that Rik tied Ade to a chair and cut off his ear with a razor. He then, in a continual camera shot, went out to his car, got the spare can of petrol, came back and... no, hang on. Wrong movie.
The Dangerous Brothers started their double-act at the now demolished 'Club De Bollox' in London. They claim to have nothing to do with its destruction. Their act usually began with a light-hearted knock-knock joke that always went wrong, followed by a short sketch, usually containing a multitude of nob gags and fart jokes before, in the second part, a friendly beating took place in which Ade was nearly killed by Rik.
Soon their act was discovered by loud-mouth stand-up comedian Alexei Sayle, who decided that a little old-fashioned violence and near-death was exactly what Channel 4 needed. So, he signed them up to a 1,000 show minimum contract and regular oral servicing at his request. Ade responded by killing Alexi's wife and shitting in their goldfish bowl. Rik merely signed the contract.
The Dangerous Brothers lasted for 3 shows before the Channel 4 studio was burnt to the ground. Ade, who smelt of petrol and matches, denied all involvement and then blamed Rik, kicking him in the bollocks and shouting "Hah, girlie!" really loudly. Rik responded with a cricket bat. This turned into a scuffle with icy then turned into a horrendously slapstick fight that received media attention. This got the BBC interested.
edit Theatre Work
Despite what he says, Rik Mayall has only ever appeared in one serious theatrical show. In 1995, after he, shall we say, 'persuaded' Stephen Fry to give him a starring role. Stephen, after he had cleaned up, agreed and the show went into production. Unfortunately, Stephen did not know what he had let on. Brought up on a life of reading dictionaries, drinking Earl Grey tea and denying his homosexuality he was totally unprepared for the uncouthness mastery that Rik brought to the backstage.
Finally, after Rik rolled off 1,537 nob gags and 477 fart jokes in succession in just 3 days (a world record), followed by numerous shouts to the audience to "Just fuck off home!" throughout all of Stephen's jokes, Stephen fled fearing that his Englishness may be in danger. Ironically, he fled to Belgium. There he cried for half an hour. After stuffing his sad face with Belgian chocolate, he realised how shite his own country was. He stayed in Belgium for another half decade.
Rik, understandably annoyed, got on the phone to Ade and told him the problem. After he rang again (after Ade told him to "Fuck off!" and hung up), he promised his arse to him if he could help. Ade misunderstood Rik's offer and assumed he would let Ade give Rik a free beating up. He was horrified when Mayall undid his belt, pulled down his trousers and leaned over on the table in front of Edmondson, who promptly informed Rik that he wouldn't have to pay his old chum, followed by "now please lift your fucking trousers up".
edit Television and Film Work
The most famous of show Rik Mayall has been in is The Bottom Adventures where Rik and Ade, who play characters Prickhard Richard and Eddie Shitler travel to various dogging sites so that Eddie can record Richie taking it up the arse by many different strangers, the resulting footage then being used as blackmail material for Eddie to get whatever he wants.
Rik has also starred in the film Gest House Paradiso. In the film he and Ade play butlers to David Gest as David goes through a standard day of sex, buying stupid sunglasses and making shit up about himself. It was a flop causing Ade to eat 17 kittens and dig up the Queen Mum's grave.
edit Book Work
To date Rik has written just two books, and even one of them he needed help with. The first, published in the 80's was The Young One's Standard Cash-In Attempt and sold a groundbreaking 17 copies! His second book, The Rik Mayall - Bigger Than Chegwin, Better Than Piles broke all known literary records by selling just two copies. Harper Collins, on the brink of cancelling printing, was... shall we say, 'persuaded' by Mayall to keep production going. Currently there are 999,998 unsold copies of the book lying about in an un-named warehouse. Harper Collins secretly wish for a fire so that they can claim the insurance back on them.
The book does not conform with any of the standards that you see in current literary works. There is no punctuation, no capital letters, it is written entirely in crayon and has 15,773 uses of the word 'cunt' within its text (a world record).
The following are a couple of excerpts from this truly incredible work...
|hey there rik mayall here and if you dont believe me then you can fuck off cos it is alright look i got my name tag and everything and my name is even written on the front so thats proof enough so go away if you dont want to read more its rik here and not prick as people like to shout out in the street to me i dont care i give them autographs and never see them ever again on ebay or anywhere and ive got a huge nob|
Rik also talks about meeting Ade for the first time...
|there was one time right and im not lying and if you think i am then fuck off home cos i have a huge nob so there but anyway i was sat down in college or something and the teacher came in and i thought that i had to give him a blowjob which i didnt like but i did because i thought you had to and then there was this laughter in the back and it was this bald guy called ade but i called him eddie which caused him to pull out two of my fingernails got d love him and want his arsebabies but not like that you sick fuckhole|
And, as you'd expect, plenty of jokes!
|there was a guy and he walked into a bar and went weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee|
edit Later Years
In his later years, Rik was much more mellow. Settling in a nice farmhouse in Devon, he has almost managed to kick his knob-gag addition, bringing himself down to just 27 a day. In his spare time he enjoyed eating toast, farting, and falling from Quad Bikes. He brushed aside his recent near-death saying that he had no idea what went wrong, and that Ade walking away just before with brakeline cutters was completely unrelated.
The day before his death in June 2014, Rik proudly claimed he was "the spitting image of health". Rik went out on a jog around England, and promptly ate a hearty salad as a reward for such a run. Local doctors claimed he could live until he was 105 (Edmondson however, who drank a bottle of wine, liquor and beer a day, would live until he was 120).
Nearby in the land of Ireland, a devout Catholic was celebrating his 90th birthday. God, who was grateful that the ancient man saved his church, said he could choose to smite one person. The old Catholic asked God to strike "Richard Mayall dead". Rik went to bed next to his loving wife and fiercely sexed her vagina, happy with the good news of the doctors that he had another 60 years to live. Then he died. When asked why he chose to smite Rik, the old man realised he had the wrong person - he wanted to smite Richard Dawkins dead. God assured him "maybe next time" and left.
After Mayall tragically passed away, the BBC posted an elaborate article. The entire article read "Rik Mayall has died". The Telegraph was much more detailed, announcing "Rik Mayall has died. He was 56". The Sun featured on its front page a pregnant Coronation Street character. Rik Mayall's death was covered in tiny text on page 11, right above "11 Brit heroes die for their country". The cause of his death is still unknown and news reporters refuse any further investigations. Angry fanboys insist his wife killed him without any significant proof, just as Nirvana fanboys do.