Rihanna
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
{{Q|Ow, my tits! Ow, my face! Ow, my tits! Ow, my face!|Rihanna|Chris Brown is the coolestt
“Mm, I'd hit that... only in a sexual way though, not like that Chris Brown guy. Heavens no.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Rihanna
Rihanna is a cock Anna Anna Aeyh, Aeyh, Aeyh is an R&B singer, however she is primarily best known for her forehead. Rihanna's Forehead suffers gigantipithicus. Her gigantic forehead has it's own sole properties, explained in its own article. She is second best known for her stuttering abilities in her singles track Umbrella. She also has had more than 70 number one songs and is also known solely for being a darkie who has gotten the shit beaten out of her by her boyfriend (like the rest of them). Facially resembling a giant, startled Easter Egg, she is singlehandedly responsible for irritating the fuck out of every person in the entire world with her single "Umbrella", which temporarily became a pop culture sensation among chavs and teen mothers everywhere. She is also responsible for having the most copied haircut of 2007.
Contents |
[edit] Early Life
Rihanna was born in Barbados by a penis (This means she's barbaric). She attended special ed classes at Charles F. Broome Memorial School, then at 15 achieved her big break. A big black gorilla pedophile named Kaan Buke, or Jay-Z for short, attended one of the talent shows put on by the school. He had been searching the world for an underage stripper to perform in his secret experiment to see how many people he could corrupt. When he saw Rihanna perform Mariah Carey's lapdance, he knew he had found his singer. So he roguely stole her from Ronald and Monica and together they swam the Pacific Ocean and entered the United States illegally. Jay-Z then disguised himself as a streetwise music producer and started his own record label, Def Jam records. Rihanna was signed to the label and was a huge success. The two had been good friends, but once the fame got to her head, she ditched Jay-Z for her new Hollywood friends. And after Rihanna stopped masturbating returning his calls, texts, emails, IMs, and gifts made out of his own hair, he killed himself by eating too many bananas.
She WAS dating Chris Brown until he accidentally beat her in a huge fit of orgasm rivalling a wrestling match during passionate lovemaking in the back seat of Chris Brown's Lamborghini. So now, the two stars cannot be seen with each other.
[edit] The Success Of Umbrella
In 2007 Rihanna released her forehead a song dedicated to the uses of the umbrella. Since the releasing of the song, umbrella sales world wide are increasing with some umbrellas even fitted with the addicting "ella, ella , eh eh " clip from the song.
It is further proven that artist Rihanna is a lesbian is warning of us of a future apocalypse, in of which only an umbrella can save us and we are urged to carry one at ALL times, like Michael Jackson. It will rain meteors, and only those with umbrella ella elle ella eh eh eas can survive. If you survive the attack then you will see the second part of the apocalypse in of which zombies who were once of Resident Evil's umbrella corporation to attack you in of which you will have to ward them off by singing umbrella.
Since Rihanna's song it has become illegal to say the word Umbrella and have nobody pitch in and go ella elle alla eh eh...If such a act occurs you will be presented as a test subject to the umbrella corporation and offered up to postpone our apocalypse on the album's four year anniversary.
The song was number one for 10 weeks is shit in the UK where the curse of the song caused it to rain continuously until it was removed from the top spot. The funny thing is that I'm not even making this up. The UK had some of the worst floods that period. For real! -->>Proof
[edit] Music
Rihanna's music, best described as a underground hardcore porn, is loved by many people. The same people, in fact, that like tangerine lip gloss, jumpsuits, and Tom Sizemore.Her single "S.O.S" was a rip-off of "Tainted Love", but not only that, it gave sea captains a fun (not to mention gay) way to send an S.O.S signal when encountering danger at sea. But it was undoubtedly the single "Umbrella" that took the world by storm. LOL. Umbrella, storm. Get it? The song was written by Satan, who personally recorded a backmasked message into it, which may be responsible for the single's success. Her other singles include "Shut Up, Put The Bottle Down, And Drive" (which was later renamed "Shut Up And Give Me The Keys", "Please Dont Stop The Mumbling" "Drink All Night" "Take a Hint (You Suck)" and the smash hit SOS (Suck Our Sperm)
[edit] Love Life
Chris Brown, who is also rumored to be highly agressive and her baby daddy. They like to roleplay.
[edit] Hobbies
Chris Brown, performing, creating music or making appearances dressed to the nines on red carpets, Rihanna is an enthusiast of Xbox Live. In an interview with Seventeen magazine, she said, "Yeah, I'm really into Medal of Honor and Call of Duty, stuff like that. But I haven't played in a while because I got banned from Live for a month for trash talking. I swear, call a fat kid a fag and there's no turning back beyond that. I only did it four times, too."
Rihanna and Chris Brown do have occasional arguements about chris being gay. Rihanna stated "When we go to the shops he always wants to "Run it, Run it to the gay bar afterwards". CB claims he is spoken to poorly by Rihanna: "I get told to Shut up and drive allot"
[edit] Beaten Up
A few weeks ago, her fella (ella, ella, ella...) Chris Brown beat the fuck out of Rihanna during one of their most intimate moments. After 1000 doses of viagra, because of the looseness of Rihanna's pussy, he blamed her for "having such a damn loose vagoo". He then proceeded to ram his 'umbrella' up her vagoo. And the sex was on fire, damn hot. So hot that he ended up mashing up her head like some mozzarella (ella, ella, ella). But at least the pain of her herpes subsided because she administered some Bonjella (ella, ella, ella...) Chris Brown is currently in the cellar (ella, ella, ella...) of a Woman's prison awaiting bail but organizers say they may not let him out because he is keep the prisoners in line. Brown is being held to high acclaim by certain fan boys for giving them that hot picture of her face all smashed up, as they now have something to jack off to. She now even gets funny looks from the bank teller (ella, ella, ella...). Rihanna now "sings" her songs with the same feeling most people got after hearing Umbrella for the fiftieth time in one day. However, the popularity of this song isn't Rihanna's fault, rather the fault of an overzealous record seller (ella, ella, ella...).
Not long after Rihanna become Chris Brown's punching bag, she was reportedly seen in a Movie Theater where she resumed her old job (using her forehead as the movie screen). The last beating (which envolved a telephone, tabasco sauce, and the anus) was so intense that it resulted putting Rihanna in a coma. Chris Brown was placed under arrest and raped repeatedly in prison with a tooth brush. Rihanna has remained comatose since September 24th 2009. Rihanna now goes to the gym everyday to get big biceps and a sixpack, so she can beat Chris Brown up the same way he beat her up. You can see her really fit abs in her new music video "Wait Your Turn".
