Ridge Racer

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“THE LAST CORNER!!!SO FREAKING INTENSE!!!”
~ Colonel Intense on this article.
“I'm not sure why, but when my boyfriend plays this game, he always has a bulge in his pants”
~ Short-sighted girlfriend on Ridge Racer 7.
“Do I get a piece of the action? Anyone?”
~ The brake pedal on this article
“Maybe, I can go round this 90 degree turn sideways...”
~ Amateur motorist after playing Ridge Racer.

Ridge Racer is a series of simulation games, a lot like Gran Turismo made by Namco and publishedby Namco with no goal whatsoever other than to simply empty out the pockets of the players who play the game. It is also one of the first games that didn't use some shitty 2D sprites or shitty boxy 3D graphics, In fact, it was actually quite good compared to other games, even Gran Turismo. The only reason why some people still play this game is because it has a hentai racing star know as Reiko Nagase as the mascot.

edit Features

The biggest selling point of this is the hentai star drift mechanics that, if applied in real life, would have you killed. It also has Xevious written everywhere. Apart from that, the rest is a top down shooter including the loading screen. The game also features the worst soundtrack ever which caused some controversy (see below).

edit Sales

The game sold one copy. Everybody else waited for emulators and roms to wank get legally from The Pirate Bay. This game has an official size of 6kb and the save game file is 1gb which is just a tad bit bigger than the game. There is also a soundtrack (also obtainable via The Pirate Bay) which is basically a 30s sound loop. All of the people who currently have the digital download are currently sueing the online stores that they got them from in an attempt to get their money back. As we all know, their efforts are futile but they are still there.

edit Controversy

Because the series was so incredibly bad, in more than one way, the games were subject to so much criticism that, in some states and countries, the games were banned from the public and only Hitler can play them.

edit The hentai star Poster girl

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The hentai star Poster girl

The games have a highly sexualised idol (See right) which got all men rushing back to the game shop to simply see how fit she was, increasing sales by up to 20,000+ copies per minuite and also sparked off the Rule 34 movement again. Her rivals to her extremely high throne were Ai Fukami and Hitomi Yoshino. They were both extremely unpopular and, in the end, they were both killed off completely. Now, there are no challengers.

edit The Earache Symptom

Due to the fact that this game contained one of the worst soundtracks in videogame history many peoples ears started to bleed when the word go appeared across their screens, causing parents and their young ones to reconsider their purchase. It was so bad that there's a warning label that appeared on the title screen of every game in the series.

edit The whole RIIIDGE RAAACER!!!!!! issue

This undoubtedly came from Ridge Racer 64. What happened here was that people got so gassed on the game that they started to repeat the title sequence of the game. To this day, such a statement has become incredibly popular amongst bangouts and first timers alike.

edit Criticism

Car-crash-tree

This is what happens when an amateur motorist gets their hands on Ridge Racer

Due to the fact that when people tried to recreate the insane dirfting stunts that they had seen in the games, insurance firms all over the world received many, many claims. This could be the reason of the rising insurance premiums that are haunting yobos all over the world. The Japanese looked in horror as amateur motorists attempted to go sideways round a 90 degree turn and, after their pathetic efforts, ended up sideways in a tree. When people found out that this was in fact the cause of the premiums rising, the games were removed from several more stores worldwide. Namco's reputation was in tears. In all, the ratings dropped dramatically, Konami overtook them in terms of sales and the game was rated M for mature. In fact, the games reviews were so bad that everyone turned to getting SEGA's alternative. But there was none.

edit Ridge Racer Vs Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing

Due to supreme levels of high criticism, The series was ranked as low as BROTRR. As soon as Namco realized this, a small scale war started out between Stellar Stone (BROTRR) and Namco in a competition to make the worst game ever. Ridge Racer was using it's non-existent physics engine while BROTRR was using an alpha test of a game. What we saw was two equally bad games on a shelf but what went on behind closed doors was a totally different story.

As Namco was comfortably sitting on the top of the worst tree, in a lab in America, Stellar Stone were making an attempt to knock Namco off their throne. First, there was the blackmail. Such text would feature words and phrases like "Your games are actually good compared to ours." Namco, foolishly, took no notice of these messages and hid them in a secret drawer. The blackmail started turning to threats, not only to Namco, but also to the entire Japanese public. The worst of the threats was "We'll beat you at your own game." Namco instantly responded with this message:

"If you think that you can beat us at our own game, then we challenge you to a game of Tekken on January 26, 2003. If we win, you guys can go fuck yourselves. If we lose, then you can continue with your one in a million project. Polite as ever

Masaya Nakamura CEO of Namco."

Unfortunately, the representatives for Stellar Stine because they were too busy watching Super Bowl XXXVII so, by default, Namco had won. It was all over...

For about 5 minuites. In a day, Stellar stone were back continuing on their insane mission and then it came out: Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing. Namco's reign of bad games was all over. Stellar Stone had won. Ironically, Stellar Stone closed it's doors 3 years after the release of BROTRR. After that, and currently, Ridge Racer remains on top, and still remains on top.

edit Namco's Response

Now, because there was no alternative, Namco had to think of something new and fresh so, after months in a secret Japanese laboratory, they done it; Ridge Racer 6. The world was shocked, and they had a good reason to be. Not only was it a brand new Ridge Racer, but it was on the XBox 360, the second worst console of our time. XBox fanboys stood well clear of this game but still, people bought the game and they thought that the events listed above would happen again. They were wrong. It turned out to be the best racing game the world ever saw, completely surpassing FORZA in every way, shape and form. But there was another problem. PS3 Fanboys complained that there was no port of Ridge Racer 6 so Namco made Ridge Racer 7. A PS3 exclusive that completely surpassed Ridge Racer 6 in every way shape and form. Thus meaning that it was better, not only than FORZA Motorsport, but it also surpassed the mighty Gran Turismo. God was shocked. And now, they're working on a sequel called Ridge Racer Unbounded. Satan was shocked.

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Ridge Racer is part of Uncyclopedia's series on Mass Media.
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