Rick James Version of the Bible
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Oh he's a MAN!!!!”
|Part of a series of articles on|
The Rick James Version of the Bible is a funky and soulful translation of the Holy Bible, devised and executed by master theologian Rick James, and his heavenly associate, Dr. Charlie Murphy (with introduction by His Holiness, the Dalai Lama). First published in 1981, it was the first printed edition of the Holy Book that could be readily absorbed and understood by speakers of Jive. It was also noted for being the first Holy Book to contain the famous Biblical Messiah Black Jesus. Many famous people have derived inspiration from the pages of this work, including MC Hammer, Dave Chapelle, and Li'l John.
The RJV has recently been in conflict with a newer translation by Bill Cosby known as the Bill Cosby Version of the Bible. Supporters of the BCV argue that the RJV does not use proper English, while supporters of the RJV argue that the BCV is too assimilationist, not provocative enough, and contains too many advertising spots for Jell-O Pudding. They also believe the phrase "Jammin' on the One" sucks ass. This split over biblical translations is one of the major divisions in contemporary Black Christianity.
Below is a list of several excerpts from this master work:
(1:1) At da damn start uh dis bitch, God made His-self some fly-ass crib, and one fo' our asses, too. 'S coo', bro. Den, He dun made all da little animals and niggas and black Adam and black Eve.
(1:2) But dat shit wuz all fucked down; it wuz darka' dan Charlie Murphy’s ass. So, as God wuz illin’ by de pool,
(1:3) He dun said, "Turn on de damned lights! Right on!": and dat shit happened likes DAT, bitch! Right on!
(1:4) Now God could see shit, and He saw dat it dun be da shiznit, and den He separated da light and da dark. Ya' know?
(1:6) And it be da SHIZNIT! Right on!
(3:1) Now Moses wuz tendin' de flock uh Jedro his fader-in-law, de priest uh Midian, and he led da damn flock t'de far side uh de desert and came t'Ho'eb, de mountain uh God.
(3:2) Dere da damn fine angel uh de LORD appeared t'him in flames uh fire fum widin some bush. Lop some boogie. Moses saw dat dough de bush wuz on fire it dun did not burn down.
(3:3) So's Moses dought, "I gots'ta go upside and see dis funky sight—why de bush duz not burn down."
(3:4) When de LORD saw dat he had gone upside to look, God called t'him fum widin de bush, "Moses! Right on! Moses! Right on!" And Moses said, "Here ah' am. WORD!"
(3:5) "Do not mosey on down any closer," God said. "Snatch off yo' sandals, fo' de place where ya' is standin' be holy ground."
(3:6) Den he said, "I's gots'ta be de God uh yo' Big Daddy, de God uh Abraham, de God uh Isaac and da damn God uh Leroy." At dis, Moses hid his face, cuz' even he wuz afraid t'look at God.
(3:7) De LORD said, "I gots indeed seen de misery uh my sucka's in Egypt. Man! ah' have heard dem cryin' out cuz' of deir slave rollrs, and ah' am concerned about deir sufferin'.
(3:8) "So's I gots mosey on down waaay down t'rescue dem fum de hand uh de Egyptians and t'brin' dem down out uh dat land into some baaaad and spacious land, some land flowin' wid booze and honeys—de crib uh de Canaanites, Hittites, Amo'ites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites.
(3:9) "And now de cry uh de Israelites gots reached me, and ah' have seen de way de Egyptians is oppressin' dem. WORD!
(3:10) "So's now, go. 'S coo', bro. ah' am drowin' ya' t'Pharaoh t'brin' mah' sucka's de Israelites out uh Egypt. Man!"
(3:11) But Moses said t'God, "Who am I, dat ah' should go t'Pharaoh and brin' de Israelites out uh Egypt?"
(3:12) And God said, "I gots'ta be wid ya'. And dis gots'ta be da damn sign t'ya' dat it be I who gots sent ya': When ya' gots brought da damn sucka's out uh Egypt, ya' gots'ta wo'ship God on dis mountain. 'S coo', bro."
(3:13) Moses said t'God, "Suppose ah' go t'de Israelites and say t'dem, 'De God uh yo' faders gots sent me t'ya',' and dey ax' me, 'Whut be his dojigger?' Den whut shall ah' tell dem?"
(3:14) God said t'Moses, "I's gots'ta be YEAH! WHAT?...OKAY!. Dis be whut ya' is to say t'de Israelites, dig dis: 'YEAH! WHAT?...OKAY! gots sent me t'ya'.' "
The 10 Commandments
- I be da damn LORD, bitch, who brought y'all niggas asses out da land uh Egypt t'be yo' God. You's best not try t'be testifyin' t'no oda' Gods but me. No' be ya' gonna make any idols t'wo'ship and shit. Man!
- Duzn't ya' fuckin' swear by mah' dojigger in vain. 'S coo', bro, ah' ain't gonna hold dem fuckas innocent who put swears next t'my dojigger.
- Bitch, rememba' de Sabbad day and keep it holy. Slap mah fro! Dat means no hustlin', no pimpin', and ah' fuck yo' hoes fo' free.
- Hono' yo' momma and yo' Big Daddy. And while ya' at it, hono' yo' baby's Big Daddy too, bitch. Lop some boogie.
- You's best not be caught after murderin'.
- You's best not cheatin' on yo' bitches wit' some greasy, nasty-ass hoes, unless of course yo woman is a nasty-ass ho.
- You's best not be snatchin' shit down if it ain't yo's t'snatch. Lop some boogie.
- You's best not be lyin' and shit. Man!
- You's best not covet yo neighbo's crib, ya' best not covet yo' neighbour's bitch - no matta' how damn fine she be.
- You's best not covet yo neighbo's dey gimp, no' dey ho, no' dey ox, no' dey ass, no' any damn doodad dat be yo' neighbo's, and ya' best not be doin' 'em, eider. Ah be baaad...
2 Samuel L. 11:1-13
(11:1) And Kin' David dun look out uh his fly-ass crib and he dun saw da most damn fine bitch he eva' saw, so cut me some slack, Jack.
(11:2) And he wuz likes, "Homies, who be dat fine bitch out dere?"
(11:3) And dey wuz likes, "Dat fine bitch be Bad-sheba, but she already married, dawg. What it is, Mama!"
(11:4) But David dun didn't care none. He wuz likes, "Get dat bitch upside here, nigga, so's I kin dun do her. Ah be baaad..."
(11:5) And so's David dun dun did Bad-sheba. WORD!
(11:6) But he dun knocked ha' all down.
(11:7) So's David wuz all likes, "Shit! Right on!" and dun popped some cap in ha' hubby's ass.
(11:8) And it dun wasted likes some mudafucka. WORD!
(11:9) So's God wuz angry and shit and he dun sent his bruda Nadan. 'S coo', bro.
(11:10) And Nadan wuz likes, "Whut's yo' 'suse, bitch?"
(11:11) And David wuz likes, "Cocaine's some helluva drug. What it is, Mama!"
(11:12) So's Nadan wuz likes, "Dat ain't no 'suse fo' doin' 'noda bruda's ho! Right on! You's've sinned against da damn LORD, bruda bitch! Right on! Now yo' kid gonna die! Right on!"
(11:13) And David wuz all likes, "Whuteva, nigga, ah' dun hate kids anyway. Slap mah fro!"
(2:2) "Where be Jesus, all ya' bitch-ass niggas? We dun witnessed his shiny-ass blin' down in de sky and shit. Man!"
(2:3) And dis gots all types uh shit stirred down in Jerusalem, and Herod, dat mudafuckin' mudafucka went mudafuckin’ ape shit. Man!
(2:4) And he be all likes, "Whut de fuck be dose dree nappy bitches rapin’ bout? Where da damn fuck's mah' ho? Where’s dis little Jesus bitch?"
(2:5) And, so, his nigga, Donnell Rawlin's, dun tell dat mudafucka Herod,
(2:6) "Damn, nigga. WORD! Pay attenshun. De prophet dun said it wuz gonna be in Bedlehem. WORD!"
(22:34) But when da Pharisuckas dun heard dat Jesus had fucked down da mudafuckin' Saddufuckas, dey gadered down dey ho'ny selves togeder. Ah be baaad...
(22:35) One uh dem, some cocksucka lawya (damn him! Right on!), ax'ed dat homie Black Jesus some mudafucka quesshun, tryin' t'fuck Him down,
(22:36) "Head homeboy bruda, which commandment dun be da shiznit in da Law?"
(22:37) And, lo, He dun say t'dat damn mofo, "Shit, mudafucka, ain’t ya' heard? You's best love da damn Lo'd yo' God (dat me) wit all ya' damn mudafuckin' body, else ah' dun go and pop some cap in yo ass.
(22:38) "Dat be da shiznit. Man!
(22:39) "Da mos'-shiznit be likes it, dig dis: You's best love yo' mudafuckin' neighbo' as yo'-self, else he dun go and pop some cap in yo' ass. So, pussy down, nigga! Right on!
(22:40) "On dem two shiznits depend da whole damn Law and da damn mudafuckin' Prophets. Dat why dat mudafucka Herod be so's fucked down. Now git along, bitch. Lop some boogie."
(13:11) Jesus stood down befo'e da damn crowd, lifted up His fist, and dusly cried, "LET THERE BE RAP! Right on!"
(13:12) And dey gadered togeda' and ax'ed Jesus, "Oh, Lo'd, whut be Dy greatest commandment?
(13:13) And Jesus answered dusly, "It be dis, dig dis: Be Waaay coo', and Get Laid."
(13:14) And da damn crowd wuz amazed by dis.
(13:15) Now, Judas, one uh de Twelve, wuz wid de disciples at da damn time. And as he heard dis doctrine, he dought, "Dere gots'ta be some way t'puh'vert dis, fo' it be not whut de Sanhedrin teaches."
(13:16) So's Judas came down fum de crowd, and wid him wuz two fruits, fum de tree uh de palm. WORD!
(13:17) And he said t'Jesus, "Lo'd, ah' have found dese fruits, which ah' do recon' is possessed by two demons. Whut should ah' do t'purify dem?"
(13:18) Jesus said dusly t'Judas, "I gots'ta show ya'."
(13:19)And He dun didst put dem t'His ears, and lo, He nodded His haid, sayin' dusly, "Wid some rebel yell, she cried, 'Mo'e, Mo'e, Mo'e'..."
(13:20) But he could not go on, fo' he wuz afraid, and he dun didst grow weak. Ya' know?
(13:21) And so's Jesus turned t'his disciples, tellin' dem, "Ax' whut ya' wish uh me; ah' am yo' servant. Man!"
(13:22) And Phillip dun did look t'Jesus and ax'ed, "Lo'd, whut do ya' dink uh homosexuality?"
(13:23) And Jesus dun didst look down on Phillip and He answered dusly, "You's gots seen fine honky chicks wuzhin' Mah' feet and partakin' uh Mine Sacrament, fo' honky chicks is naturally attracted t'Saviours. Whut part uh dis do ya' not ya' dig it?"
(13:24) And, behold, some man came fum de crowd, who wuz called da damn Dude, and he cried out,
(13:25) "If whut dis joker says be true, dan no honky chick should deny him. WORD! But who could be so's blind as t'recon' in de powa' of some man who claims he gots neva' touched some honky chick?"
(13:26) Now, when Jesus heard dis, He dun became angered.
(13:27) And He looked t'de Dude and He said t'him, "Nobody fucks wid de Jesus."
(13:28) And da damn Dude dun did reply, "Whut shall be done about it den? To whom shall be referred mah' punishment? See, ya' gots no powa' ova' me. You's is not God."
(13:29) And he began t'walk away. Slap mah fro!
(13:30) And, lo, Jesus struck de Dude waaay down wid his glare, cryin' out, "Nobody fucks wid de Jesus! Right on!"
(13:31) And Jesus wept. Man!
(13:32) And when He wuz done, He stood high among his disciples, cryin' out,
(13:33) "Dus gots all doodads been 'esplained; dus be my memo'y fo' all generashuns. No one fucks wid Mah' will."
(13:34) And dere wuz some great moment uh silence.
(13:35) Den Peter said t'Him, "Lo'd, since ya' gots now 'esplained all doodads t'us, tell us dis, dig dis: whut be de sin uh de wo'ld?"
(13:36) And Jesus dun didst look down on Peter and He answered dusly, "Hardcore Hallelujah! Right on!"
(13:37) And Peter replied, "Whut in de fuck duz dat mean?"
(1:1) At da damn start uh dis bitch, wuz de Wo'd, and da damn Wo'd wuz wid God, and da damn Wo'd wuz God.
(1:2) He wuz wid God at da damn start uh dis bitch, when God made Himself some fly-ass crib, and one fo' our asses, too.
(1:3) Drough him all doodads dun wuz made; widout him nodin' wuz made dat gots been made. WORD!
(1:5) De light shines in de shit, but da damn shit gots not overcome it, man! Dyno-MITE!
(3:1) Now dere wuz some man uh de Pharisees dojiggerd Nicodemus, some memba' of de Jewish rulin' council.
(3:2) He came t'Jesus at night and said, "Rabbi, we know ya' is a head homeboy who gots come fum God. Fo' no one could puh'fo'm de miraculous signs ya' is hangin' if God wuz not wid him. WORD!"
(3:3) In reply Jesus declared, "I tell ya' de trud, no one kin see da damn kin'dom uh God unless he be bo'n again. 'S coo', bro."
(3:4) "How kin some man be bo'n when he be old?" Nicodemus ax'ed. "Sho' manly he kinnot enta' a second time into his mutha's womb t'be bo'n! Right on!"
(3:5) Jesus answered, "I tell ya' de trud, no one kin enta' de kin'dom uh God unless he be bo'n uh booze and da damn Spirit. Man!
(3:6) "Flesh gives bird t'flesh, but da damn Spirit gives bird t'spirit. Man!
(3:7) "You's should not be surprised at mah' sayin', 'You's gots'ta be bo'n again.' 'S coo', bro.
(3:8) "De wind blows whereva' it pleases. You's hear its sound, but ya' kinnot tell where it comes fum o' where it be goin'. So's it be wid everyone bo'n uh de Spirit. Man!"
(3:9) "How kin dis be?" Nicodemus ax'ed.
(3:10) "You's is Israel's head homeboy," said Jesus, "and do ya' not dig it dese doodads?
(3:11) "I tell ya' de trud, we rap uh whut we know, and we testify t'whut we gots seen, but still ya' sucka's do not accept our testimony. Slap mah fro!
(3:12) "I gots rapped t'ya' uh eardly doodads and ya' do not recon'; how den gots'ta ya' recon' if ah' rap uh heavenly doodads?
(3:13) "No one gots eva' gone into heaven 'sept da damn one who came fum heaven —- de Son uh Man. 'S coo', bro.
(3:14) "Just as Moses lifted down de snake in de desert, so's de Son uh Man gots'ta be lifted down,
(3:15) "dat everyone who recon's in him may gots eternal life."
(3:16) Fo' God so's loved da damn wo'ld dat he gave his only begotsten Son, dat whoeva' recon's in him shall not puh'ish but gots everlastin' life.
(9:35) De Saviour said t'dem, "Let no stone be untouched, and let no heart be unmoved, by de Wo'd ya' spread droughout da damn wo'ld."
(9:36) And da damn disciples said t'him, "Lo'd, how could we eva' reach de wo'ld? Fo' we is only mo'tal men. 'S coo', bro."
(9:37) And da damn Saviour said t'dem, "Do not be afraid. I, de LORD, gots'ta gude ya'."
(4:20) Da Savior entered da room, and he hadeth an aura. I'd seen it and behold, it was orange."
(4:21) And he decred that all men shall be united, and that it shall be imprintethed in thy black head ."
(4:22) And his Holiness looked down upon tha couch of his diciphles, and decreed "Fucketh thy couch, nigga, fucketh thy coucheth"."
(4:23) And behold, they turned over to the Darkness, held down his legs, an beteth on his legs, untill they lookethed like linguini."
(4:24) Then da savior decreed that, lo, thy never should have gaven thy niggers of thy Darkness currnecy."
(4:25) Thy Lord, being mercifull and kind, made an offering of peace to thy Darkness, offering the Stickies of Thy Icky, and lo, peace was again come to the land."
(21:6) Den, muhfucka says t'me, "I'M SUPAFLY TNT! I'M THE GUNS OF THE NAVARONE! Any muthafucka come t'me wantin' shit t'drank, I'm a give um some magic fuckin' wahtah make his ass feel good! Deep, wide 'n' a LONG TIME! WORD!
(21:7) Bitch ovacome dis shit, he gawn get it ALL! MAN! 'N' ah be his damn God, 'n' he gawn be mah BOY! 'S coo', bro!
(21:8) But dem muthafuckin' bitchass pussies, fuckin' faithless bastuds, nasty fuckas, drive-bys, billa bitin' faggot bitchass homos, da GODDAMN SAWCERUHS, peepa be grinin' out pitchuhs o' oda gods, and ev'ry muthafucka EVAH say some shit ain't true, dem muthafuckas gawn get gawn waaaaay down int'a LAKE A'FUCKIN' FIIIIRRE!! Shit be STANKIN' wit spray farts! Dis da secon' time deys gawn die! WORD! 'S coo', bro! MAN! OKAAAY!! RASTA! WWWHAT!? YEEEAAHH!! AMEN MUDDAFUCKA!!'