Richard The Turd

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Gloucester

Richard, Turd Earl of Gloucester

“A brilliant man, truly brilliant.”
~ Oscar Wilde

“We owe so much to him.”
~ a New York tramp on the corner of Gloucester and forty-second

Richard the Turd (1788 - 1827) was the Earl of the tramps between 1805 and 1827. He is probably the most notable tramp king as he is the only one who actually did anything that benefited other people. His unique name was given to him because of his pungent odour, not uncommon for tramps of his stature, although his was by all accounts the most impressive of the era.

Achievements

No-one is entirely sure how Richard the Turd came to power, although everyone agrees that his greatest achievements were made a mere two months after his coronation.

When Richard the Turd learned of the sad tale of a young boy named Jimbo, who had fallen from a great height and lost his legs, he made voluntary euthanasia legal among the tramp community. At that time, if you were volunteered for euthanasia by a family member, you were taken to a special clinic, or butcher's shop. There, you would be laid on a special table and the procedure would begin. The procedure involved smashing the patient over the head with a chair, then cutting them up into reasonably sized pieces and recycling them back into the community. The family would then be rewarded for their effort.

His second achievement was to introduce a caste system into the tramp world. This was so incredibly complicated that no-one could understand it, and so everyone spent so much time discussing it that they forgot their few differences and became the best of friends. This made a repeat incident of the 1762 tramp war impossible.

Death of a Hero

Unfortunately, not even Richard the Turd could live forever. After his death, people flocked to see his body, and then a ceremonial funeral took place, where Richard's body was taken to the nearest river and dumped, fully clothed (a great mark of respect among tramps), into its waters. He was then found by another tramp, Bill Gates, who used Turd's royalness to create Shit-o-Soft.

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