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“God will you ever just shut the hell up!?”
“If he shuts up, we won't be enlightened, you fucking bitch.”
“Would you like to accompany us to the upstairs office, Sir? There appears to be some items about your person which you haven't purchased....”
Richard Madeley (born sometime so boring no-one even cares) is a British television presenter completely innocent of shoplifting from Tescos and Siamese twin who was separated at birth from his other twin, David Walliams. Richard's head was attached quite fully on to the anus of David, almost completely inside you could say. It is due to this that he has such a strange attraction to both David Walliams and his secret gay partner Matt Lucas, rumour has it they have the best threesomes in England. Richard Madeley is also credited for coining the phrase "Brilliant." Richard Madeley has achieved extraordinary things, most notably, perhaps, being a prick but uncannily not possessing one.
edit Early life
Richard Madeley was never born, he simply appeared on David Walliams arse some day, and thus we have been burdened with him ever since. Once he was finally separated (after approximately 127 years) he lived a life of quiet solitude in a middle class house in Chichester or Windsor. Despite this, Richard will often nowadays pretend he came from a very working class background, and is often seen as saying "mate" to people he thinks necessary.
edit Richard and Judy
Last week it was claimed in a national newspaper that their relationship had been put under strain when Judy found out Richard frequently engages in sucking off Graham Norton in order to fund his Wine Gum Addiction. His addiction recently scaled to new heights as Richard was arrested from a near by Rowntrees factory for breaking and entering. He was for a time stuck in the actual Amy Winehouse song 'Rehab' but somehow managed to get ou of it.
Richard & Judy (currently in it's last series, thanks to the efforts of the families of people who had gone clinically insane by watching the show side effects include never being able to say anything "brilliant") is quite possibly one of the worst shows on television. The show went through two stages, the first being the pornography stage.
In an attempt to try and attract younger viewers, and make Richard Madeley look even cooler than he already was, the show comprised of nothing but sex scandals, affairs and Richard hitting on all the young women who came on the show. However, this stage soon ended when they realised only old 35-110 year olds watch the program, and Judy is Death in human form. This transformed into the nice book club stage, which is running up to this date. Nevertheless, Richard keeps it cool with the odd fist bearing, sexual innuendo or sometimes just a public spanking of Judy.
Since the show ran into a financial problem, it is only ever allowed to have 3 guests, Dr. Raj the token, Nick Ferrari (there for spurting out bigotist Nazi White/Male supremacist working class bile, which Richard is glad to lap up like David Walliams in a bath) and Vanessa Feltz who is so annoying even Richard Madeley hates her, but would never show it, as anything in his opinion is better than the sea hag he married in Judy.
Working with Judy for so long has left Richard sexualy unforfilled, Richard admitted the extent of his program live on national tv, "Frankly, I don't think that what we see on television is erotic enough. I haven't seen a sex scene on television recently that has remotely turned me on. And I've been there till 4am waiting for it." In order to keep a hold on Richard and so not allow him to leave the show, Judy is always trying to get pregnant to the extent that Richard has been driven to freeze his testicles off, in a desperate plea for help he shouted "I would douse my balls in icy cold water before intercourse.'”, Judy later thoroughly beat him.
In July 2008 Judy was absent from the show due to a minor opperation to install a penis on her knee. Richard did not notice her absence and infact talked to her throughout the show, he also thought Judy had returned and aged terribly on the 24th of July but it was just Emma Bunton.
edit David Walliams, Matt Lucas and the love affair with Little Britain.
Ever since the re-union of Richard Madeley and David Walliams on Richard Judy around 3 years ago, Richard has wished to be back at the stage where he was attached to his anus. Richard hid under the guise that he truly liked David Walliams comedy "Little Britain", however, it is simply a plot to return to where he originally came from.
The result of this plot has devastating effects on the show. It is a statistical fact (though there is no evidence) that 70% of an average Richard and Judy show today will be comprised to worshipping their leader david Walliams. When viewers thought it impossible for the show to get any worse, Richard and Judy did an impression of a sketch from the show Little Britain. The impression, acting and overall comic value was so poor, that there were 5703475 suicides that day, Pluto was named not a planet and Muslims started burning Richard & Judy flags. Due to this, they have slowed down on the excessive David Walliams/Little Britain love, so Richard Madeley is still a pretentious arse.
edit Ali G Impression
One day Richard was telling himself some jokes involving himself and laughing heartily when he thought "Hey, maybe there are still some people who don't know how much of a prick I am." He soon decided that he would do the worst impression ever done. When he had completed this impression the whole world cringed into itself, crushing the whole universe and giving Richard eternal life. He used this creating his suck-ass TV talk show and never leaving, even though Channel 4 hate him now.
over the years richard has invented many things including-
- the telephone- so he can talk to people and never let them speak
- the microphone- for obvios reasons
- the gun- so he can shoot anyone that interupts him
- the television- so he can watch himself
- the watershed- so people cant swear at him
- rape- he got bored
- mop hairstyle - he loved this and thought, for some preposterous reason it would look good on him.
note to reader: no hairstyle will ever suit him in his entire life. or anything else. ever.
“In the beginning television was without form and so the great richard created the chat show which begat the comedy chat show which begat stand up comedy which begat the stand up/sketch show which begat the sketch show which begat black comedy which begat drama which begat fantasy drama which begat....”
Richard created the "Madeley Church" as a counter attack on Channel 4 who were planning on cancelling the show. However Richard, who prefers to be known as overlord of the television world, worked out any termanation of his show could be classd as racism and thus saving his show forever and ruining the credibility of Channel 4.
This worked until 2009 when Channel 4 realised no one gave a damn about Richards beliefs and so cancelled the show, many people including the British Queen have praised this decision as "the greatist event in the history of the entire univeres EVER!".