Richard M. Nixon
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|Richard M. Nixon|
|Vice President||Spiro Agnew|
|Term of office||January 20, 1969–N/A|
|Preceded by||Gerald Ford|
|Succeeded by||Lyndon Baines Johnson|
|Date of birth||N/A|
|Place of birth||N/A|
|Date of death||N/A|
|Place of death||N/A|
|First Lady||Patricia "Patty Cake" Nixon|
“They want the Dick, they love the Dick, they need the Dick.”
“You are a Dick!”
Richard M. "Tricky Dick" Nixon, also commonly known as Honest Abe, (Born in 1913, Is the 37th, and one of the worst/best Presidents of the United States. He served in that role from 1969 to 1974, just after his Emmy-nominated appearance as himself on Laugh In. Later in his career, he trained as a recording engineer; however, this effort would only result in oral 18.5 minute autobiography. He is the only President to resign from office during an episode of Chico and the Man.
Nixon's resignation came in the face of imminent impeachment related to 17 counts of Quaker-violating profanity, unleashed after dealing with Ivy League intellectuals; a crime which would later be covered up and blamed on Daniel Ellsberg, hippies, and Communists. He valiantly ordered federal troops to invade the secret Commie-Nazi headquarters at the Watergate hotel, and was also the only living man to be photographed wearing a suit at the beach. He later wrote the Nixon Doctrines, while opening a peaceful dialogue with Cambodia in 1970, and Chile in 1973.
Widely renowned as one of America's strongest leaders and an all around 'Dick', he was well-known for being a generally amoral individual. Despite this, he has a reputation as never being involved with any kind of criminal activity at all. Ever. He was responsible for the greatest quote since the days of the scriptures when he proclaimed "I'm not a crook" to a crowd of sobbing reporters.
All's Fair in Love...
After losing the presidential election of 1960, Nixon started doing drugs, like crack, cocaine, Vietnamese black tar heroin, whippets, weed, and freon. He also developed a well-known affinity for black culture (once you go black you never go back was his catch phrase). He kept getting his stuff from various well-known criminals, such as Henry Hill, Frank Sinatra, and G. Gordon Liddy (see Hellboy for further explanation). However, on March 22, 1962, the former vice president was caught snorting coke off of the back of a black gay stripper. Nixon was arrested and sentenced to one tenth of an hour in prison. Once he got out, Nixon was depressed beyond belief; his marriage to his always-excited wife, Pat, was crumbling, his reputation for truth and justice was in shreds, and, worst of all, nobody wanted him. Then he met Spiro and was inspired to move on.
Unable to accept the crushing defeat, he conspired with Pepsi-Cola, Cubans, the Mob, the CIA, FBI, Clint Murchison Sr., and gay anti-Castro Cubans to assassinate President Kennedy. He would not be prosecuted for this crime thanks to an agreement worked out with Log Cabin Republican leader J. Edgar Hoover.
On death row, however, he was visited by a charismatic loner, one Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Blofeld convinced Nixon to renew hope in the future by joining SPECTRE, and, after being released from prison by a SPECTRE-employed Japanese government official, Nixon quickly fell in love with Blofeld. After consummating their relationship, Blofeld left Nixon to attend to another one of his volcano lairs, but Nixon was soon inspired to run for public office; returning to the United States, he soon shot up in the political stratosphere and quickly became the Republican nominee for President in 1968.
Following secret SPECTRE instructions, Nixon ran on a platform that year of ending the Vietnam War; thus, when elected, he began to immediately escalate it. Using the most advanced weaponry possible, a policy of "Vietnamization" was initiated, a portmanteau of "Vietnam" and "Extermination."
The policy was successful, but not successful enough. In order to maximize both the cost of war and the destruction it caused, Nixon authorized super-secret wars simultaneously in Cambodia and Laos. The multiple wars were inevitably revealed to the public, but the difficulty in creating a portmanteau involving Laos or Cambodia with extermination led most to not care. Nixon also attempted to negotiate a peace with the North Vietnamese in Paris, but quit after he found out that only Democrats were allowed to sign peace treaties. Now shut up, damn it!
What Is It Good For?
Nixon soon learned playing war with real men was much more entertaining that the 12" GI Joe's he had previously played with. He soon declared war on New Mexico, threatening to "open a can" if the new Mexicans refused to return home. After a short geography lesson, Nixon revoked the declaration of war. When asked to apologize, Nixon offered a stern middle finger, but nothing more.
Brief Foray into Music
A life-long and avid piano player, Nixon composed the music for and wrote the lyrics to the 1966 Happening's hit See You in September. The song was originally called See You in San Clemente but due to his near-illegible hand-writing and the fact that the original lyrics were written on a napkin, the Happenings misread San Clemente as September. The rest, as they say, is in rest of this article.
Detente and China
Furthering his reputation for the promotion of world peace, Nixon set his sights on improving relations with the Soviet Union. To illustrate this new, un-warlike approach, a French name was chosen for the policy, Detente. Both sides had come to realize that while they held differing beliefs and cultures, underneath it all they were just human beings that wanted to be loved. The fact that the two countries had run out of money to spend on bombs was neither here nor there.
Meanwhile, the USSR and China had fallen out over whose country was the real socialist heaven of shared money and ideals. Basically, Mao missed Stalin. Their late night phone calls, the way they finished each other's sentences, their shared brutally oppressive sense of humor, all made the ongoing international communist revolution a real joy for them. Brezhnev could try as hard as he liked. It just wasn't the same.
Nixon wisely chose to play off this inter-communist rivalry and opened personal relations with Red China. His main aim in doing so was to make Brezhnev jealous. Nixon took to this task with gusto. He learned how to use chopsticks and could perform a charming Chairman Mao impersonation. He also taught Chinese chicks his hippie peace sign. Some Chinese can still do their Nixon impersonation. Nixon flew to China in Marine One with a back-up chopper in tow, but was promptly jacked of both rides, forcing him to return dejectedly to America on a Greyhound bus.
The two countries flaunted their new relationship, playing ping pong together, deep into the long Beijing nights. Mao would bestow many exotic gifts on Nixon, who declared that his new pair of giant pandas were much more fun than those crummy Russian dolls, but never returned the two helicopters.
Nixon often said later, "Aw, fuck the choppers. They can just keep 'em." Another Quaker blasphemy. He said he loved China but that the food was only "okay".
In 1972, Richard Nixon's helter-skelter paranoia had taken full hold, leading him to seek new ways to eliminate adversaries. First, Nixon sent federal troops to invade the Commie-Nazi headquarters at the Watergate hotel in Washington. Then, his personal journal notes that on January 14th, 1971, he came up with a "clever idea," which would begin under the guise of a plumbers attempting to "plug leaks" in the local dam (coincidentally also called the Watergate Dam) which oversaw the mighty Potomac. The plumbers would, in fact, be plugging the leaks - but with C4 explosives laden with enriched uranium.
The operation was a success, and the dam exploded, killing nearly everyone in the surrounding area. It was the largest man made flood in the history of the nation at the time, and has only been surpassed recently when George W. Bush blew up the levees in New Orleans. Nixon's "Committee to Re-elect the President” leaked the rumor to Britain's Guardian newspaper that the dam deluge was really a humanitarian project called operation “money landery” to wash everyones dirty money and make it safe for America. It was Nixon’s belief that this torrent of now-clean money would break the nation free from stagnation.
Nixon was challenged, however, by former president Johnson just a few days after Nixon's own re-inauguration. On January 22, 1973, LBJ walked into the White House, jumped up and down on Richard Nixon's desk, pooped in Nixon's face, and drew a loaded gun on Secret Service agents. Predictably, Johnson was gunned down, resulting in yet another dreary Presidential funeral.
There was, surprisingly, an interesting point: Johnson, after leaving office, had killed the rightful Emperor of America, Brian Jones, and seized the title for himself. With Johnson dead, however, Nixon was free to claim the title for himself. And claim it he did; beginning on January 26, 1973, Nixon began telling his staff to call him His Imperial Majesty, and urged them to change his letterhead from "President of the United States" to "Emperor of the United States". He even convinced Chief Justice Warren Burger, who was already severely traumatized by the gun threats issued by Johnson if he didn't coronate him, to formally anoint him Emperor at the next joint-session of Congress; ironically, March 15. Needless to say, few were impressed by the bombastic display, but it did keep their minds off the busting of the Watergate dam—until word got loose.
While Richard Nixon was mysteriously absent at the time of the explosion, few believed he was directly involved in the scandal, and instead blamed people in his administration. It was not until a poorly edited tape was found in 1974 that a strong case could be put against him.
The tape began with Nixon discussing the plan with several other people, before it turned to a blue screen from where Nixon would later attempt to record over. The footage resumed with Nixon dramatically yelling, "What now, punk?", whilst holding a gun, still smoking from the fatal shot which killed one of the men in the room. Huh. Damned if this article wasn't accidentally erased by some Uncyclopedia secretary. What rotten luck!
This smoking gun was the conclusive evidence needed. At the same time, 17 charges of child molestation by Nixon also surfaced. Reporters started to investigate Nixon in the following months, and questioning his every move. During one press conference, amidst frustration, Nixon lost his temper at a crying baby one of the reporters had brought to the conference. Yelling, "Will somebody shut this little fucker up?!", he grabbed the baby and kicked him like a football into the wall, killing it instantly, right in front of news cameras. As word spread of its unearthing, Nixon quickly began resignation proceedings to avoid justice and ran away.
Three hundred dead babies were found in his garage two weeks later. His friends all said that they "...were communist... that (the babies) deserved to burn in hell for their un-American plots..." The babies weren't available for questioning, but some of them were scientologist, so it was O.K.
But Richard Nixon soon realized that he could not run forever, and as he reached the White House lawn he instead decided that a Presidential pardon would be the only way out of his troubles. Realizing that he had just given up this power by resigning, he instead began to blackmail Gerald Ford into doing the pardoning for him.
Nixon threatened to publicly release Ford's underground 1971 all-male pornographic film Not-So-Little Big Man, if Ford did not pardon him. He also made Ford swear to let him keep the powers of Emperor until his death; after that, he could banish the office. After thinking things through for about five seconds, Ford pardoned Nixon, but begged him to "please keep this between us".
Next Five Pardons
After receiving the pardon from Ford, Nixon decided to use the Constitution as "a blank check for all kinds of fun" and subsequently molested and murdered 5 more little boys and blabbered on NBC about the "imperial media" and its power in American society. President Ford then issued five more pardons for Nixon, and told Nixon, "This is the last one, I don't care if the whole world finds out about my secret hobby, I'm not saving your sick ass any more."
Upon receiving his final pardon, Nixon double-crossed Ford by releasing the film to all the national news stations, making Ford the laughing stock of the world and causing Carter to defeat Ford in the 1976 Presidential election.
In 1977, London comedian David Frost wanted to make Richard Nixon look like an asshole. Therefore, he interviewed Nixon and got Nixon to admit that he was involved in Watergate. Nixon then summoned an army of grues, who ate Frost the next day. This is all chronicled in the 2008 film "Frost/Nixon", starring Martin Sheen as Frost, Dick Cheney as Nixon, and Kevin Bacon as some other guy.