Richard Littlejohn
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“I am unable to give you an opinion on Mr Littlejohn due to my not bothering to learn English and spending all my time living off his taxes and selling drugs to HIS kids”
~ An Asylum-seeker. on Richard Littlejohn
“I'll tell you what - I'm bloody sick of this political correctness, I am. I hear these hip-hop artists rapping and it's 'nigger' this and 'nigger' that. Yet whenever I shout it at my nephew's football match I get arrested. You couldn't make it up.”
~ Richard Littlejohn on race relations
“This is offensive to me because Richard Littlejohn is my friend.”
~ Nobody
Universally accepted to be an arse, Richard Littlejohn (Pron: kŭnt) is primarily known for his columns in various British conservative magazines such as The Daily Mail and comics such as The Sun. Popular with nobody really, since even his fellow rightwingers hate him, Littlejohn has nevertheless managed to make successive governments see sense and change their policies with his well-researched, well-argued and highly adult critiques of their policies. He is deeply attached to Britain which is why he lives in the United States (actually Florida, a swear word for Littlejohn as a result, and home of the other rednecks).
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[edit] Targets
In his column, Littlejohn regularly attacks homosexuals, meterosexuals, heterosexuals, gays, muslims, blacks (whom Littlejohn refers to as 'shit-skins'), the French, French gays ("le boys"), the Germans, German gays, the police but not sting, bum-boys, police bum-boys, Tony Blair, John Prescott, Gordon Brown, The Queen, The King, Polly Toynbee, liberals, socialists, the liberal-socialist King, pooftahs, the rich, the poor, the dispossessed, huddled masses yearning to be set free, the frightened, the brave, the greedy, the meek, the mild, the clever, the stupid, the "so-called" clever, the "so-called" stupid, you, your mum, your "momma", the Irish, the Polish (especially those Gordon Brown has given all our jobs to), people with brown eyes ("When I look into their eyes I might as well be looking up their arse. They shame our Aryan brothers. Sieg Heil!"), Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grub (who's certainly a chocolate-stabber), Postman Pat (a socialistic pawn of a communistic civil service) and above all the loony left. The only person he likes is something he calls "the ordinary man on the street," a hypothetical entity characterised, curiously and coincidentally, by having exactly the same political and social opinions as Richard Littlejohn.
Have you ever walked-past a homeless man or woman and not kicked them (perhaps even given them a penny)? Have you ever seen a prostitute plying her trade and not attacked her with a stout stick? Did some dark-skinned foreigners move into your street and instead of demanding they practice their pagan rites in private and keep away from your children and bins did you perhaps welcome them and offer them tea? Then Littlejohn has issues with you. And even if you've never done any of these things, why aren't you out there now stopping others from doing them? You're to blame for terrorism (you and the gays).
[edit] "Allegations" of Homophobia
Littlejohn continues to bend over backwards to oppose homosexuality, no matter how hard it gets. He has caused controversy with his refusal to make a distinction between those really funny camp homos who have lots of female friends and those who are reasonably normal and are rightly hated by all.
He has on occassion provocatively opposed our seriously gayed-off society. At a recent dinner party he caused a scuffle by asking mob boss Tony Soprano the question, "Tony, are we ran by a gay mafia?" following revelations about his associate Vito. In March Littlejohn was spotted nudging a Morrissey lookalike on a bike off the road, then slowing down and laughing as the man fell off.
[edit] Catchphrases
Littlejohn is well-known for deploying various catchphrases in his writing. They include:
- "You couldn't make it up!"
- "It's flavour of the month!"
- "what is that stench? its fantastic!"
- "It's the Cannon and Ball Show!"
- "Loony-left councils"
- "They want to force your kids to..."
- "Why should I care what goes on in ungo-bungo land?"
- "I'm a reasonable man, but..."
- "I've tried everything doctor - this thrush ain't budging!!"
- "I'm not a racist, but..."
- "I dont give a shit about Jihad."
- "I'm a total prick, so..."
- "I am not a homophobe. I've nothing against gays except for the way they push their engorged, veiny wilburs up other men's chocolate funnels AAARRRGGGHHH!! DIRTY! WRONG! SCRUB THEM WITH A WIRE BRUSH AND BLEACH!"
- "I was unable to speak out against the matter as I had a cock in my mouth at the time."
- "I'm not advocating the mass murder of ethnic minorities, but..."
[edit] Carefully thought-out consistency
One of the reasons Littlejohn commands such respect is his disinterested and consistent application of deeply-held core beliefs and refusal to submit to cheap short-term point scoring. Examples of this stoic attitude can be seen below:
British women married to Iraqis should be left to rot in their adopted country, with their hideous husbands and their unattractive children which is why I support fully the American plans to install an elected government in Iraq because these noble people have suffered enough and are clearly as good as us..er....
Does anyone really give a monkey's about what happens in Rwanda? If the Mbongo tribe wants to wipe out the Mbingo tribe then as far as I am concerned that is entirely a matter for them which is why I'm furious that we're selfishly not getting behind Israel in it's battle for survival as though it's none of our business or something! How dare we presume that just because it's thousands of miles away...erm...er..
[edit] Personal Life
Despite the opinions expressed in his columns, Littlejohn is a staunch and vocal (jis nemegsta pistis) supporter of Gay Rights and increasing the UK's immigration quotas. He believes that this will bring-about a conservative revolution because "The British People Can Only Take So Much (trade mark)."
For similar reasons he donated half of the royalties from sales of his book To Hell In A Handcart to the Islamist terrorist group Hezbollah. This enabled Hezbollah to buy an extra pencil. However, it was a cheap pencil and the lead snapped in half.
Married to fellow Daily Mail columnist Melanie Phillips, whom he met as a student at the Zurich Institute of Lesbonics. His unusual taste in clothing and ambiguous aroma brought him to the attention of the British public in London's swinging sixties.
He has nine daughters, all called Horatio, and is unable to sustain an erection unless the ghost of Joseph Goebbels is depositing a large quantity of runny scat in his mouth. He can also be witnessed on alternate Friday afternoons frantically flogging his tiny Horace over the current issue of Teletubbies magazine in the W H Smiths at Charing Cross Station.
[edit] Other work
In 2003, Littlejohn started his own T-Shirt range featuring his "MAKE POOVERY HISTORY" slogan. Sales have been slow but they have proved fairly popular with London cabbies and Al-Qaida members.
Littlejohn also wrote the subversive novel To Hell In A Handcart. This novel wittily pulled-apart the notion that foreign people could possibly live in Britain using devastatingly-realistic characters and scenarios. The Blair government was rocked to its very foundations by the book's unanswerable accusations and promptly resigned. Asked to defend his novel against fellow-writer Will Self, Littlejohn took Self down a peg or two with Wildean quips like "You used to take drugs, druggie!". Self was forced to admit that Littlejohn's prose had put him in mind of Tolstoy, that or Janet And John.
In 2007, Littlejohn fronted the hard-hitting Channel 4 documentary The War On Britain's Jews? in which he demanded to know why there wasn't a war on Britain's Jews. He concluded it was due to "political correctness gone queer".
[edit] Trivia
- Throughout much of Britain, "Littlejohn" has become recognised slang meaning "small prick."
- Littlejohn was offered a job with the UK Hitler Channel but negotiations broke down when they refused to produce an adaptation of his book Hitler: What The Reich Got Right!. Fox News were impressed by the book and plan to broadcast the resulting documentary later this year.
- Littlejohn taught Sun columnist/human sloth Jon "BNP Luvvie" Gaunt how to bum a man properly.
- Until 2007, there was a special "Asylum Seeker Tax" which only Littlejohn had to pay.
