From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“I think you just need a hot chocolate and a lie down, dahling.”
“I'll tell you what - I'm bloody sick of this political correctness, I am. I hear these hip-hop artists rapping and it's 'nigger' this and 'nigger' that. Yet whenever I shout it at my nephew's football match I get arrested. You couldn't make it up.”
Richard Littlejohn (born 1954) is an English author, broadcaster and journalist. He is noted for his columns in various British conservative magazines such as The Daily Mail and comics such as The Sun and is universally accepted to be a festering, suppurating arsehole.
Littlejohn has nevertheless managed to make successive governments see sense and change their policies with his well-researched, well-argued and highly sophisticated critiques of their policies. He is deeply attached to Britain which is why he lives in Vero Beach, Florida in the United States — which doubles as a superb place to experience the things he writes about first-hand. Littlejohn maintains a fanbase of two consisting of himself and liberal politician Nick Griffin but is generally regarded by most of his fellow right-wingers as an embarrassment and precariously close to falling off the graph of right-wingery, hopefully breaking something on the way down.
In his column, Littlejohn regularly attacks homosexuals, meterosexuals, heterosexuals, gays, muslims, blacks (whom Littlejohn refers to as 'shit-skins'), the French, French gays ("le boys"), the Germans, German gays, the police but not Sting, bum-boys, police bum-boys, Tony Blair, John Prescott, Gordon Brown, The Queen, The King, Polly Toynbee, liberals, socialists, the liberal-socialist King, pooftahs, the rich, the poor, the dispossessed, huddled masses yearning to be set free, the frightened, the brave, the greedy, the meek, the mild, the clever, the stupid, the "so-called" clever, the "so-called" stupid, you, your mum, your "momma", the Irish, the Polish (especially those Gordon Brown has given all our jobs to), people with brown eyes ("When I look into their eyes I might as well be looking up their arse. They shame our Aryan brothers. Sieg Heil!"), Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grub (who's certainly a chocolate-stabber), Postman Pat (a socialistic pawn of a communistic civil service) and above all the loony left.
The only person he likes is something he calls "the ordinary man on the street," a hypothetical entity characterised, curiously and coincidentally, by having exactly the same political and social opinions as Richard Littlejohn.
Have you ever walked-past a homeless man or woman and not kicked them (perhaps even given them a penny)? Have you ever seen a prostitute plying her trade and not attacked her with a stout stick? Did some dark-skinned foreigners move into your street and instead of demanding they practice their pagan rites in private and keep away from your children and bins, did you perhaps welcome them and offer them tea? Then Littlejohn has issues with you. And even if you've never done any of these things, why aren't you out there now stopping others from doing them? You're to blame for terrorism (you and the gays).
edit "Allegations" of homophobia
Littlejohn continues to bend over backwards to oppose homosexuality, no matter how difficult it may be for some to swallow, as it were. He has often provocatively opposed our seriously gayed-off society. At a recent dinner party, he caused a scuffle by asking mob boss Tony Soprano, "Tony, are we run by a gay mafia?" following revelations about his associate Vito. In March, Littlejohn was spotted nudging a Morrissey lookalike on a bike off the road, then slowing down and laughing as the man fell off.
edit Carefully thought-out consistency
One of the reasons Littlejohn commands such respect is his disinterested and consistent application of deeply-held core beliefs and refusal to submit to cheap short-term point scoring. Examples of this stoic attitude can be seen below:
British women married to Iraqis should be left to rot in their adopted country, with their hideous husbands and their unattractive children which is why I support fully the American plans to install an elected government in Iraq because these noble people have suffered enough and are clearly as good as us..er....
Does anyone really give a monkey's about what happens in Rwanda? If the Mbongo tribe wants to wipe out the Mbingo tribe then as far as I am concerned that is entirely a matter for them which is why I'm furious that we're selfishly not getting behind Israel in it's battle for survival as though it's none of our business or something! How dare we presume that just because it's thousands of miles away...erm...er..
I'll tell you what I'm sick of: feminism. All these women - femi-NAZIS I call them - who want to overturn hundreds of years of social norms and harassing traditional men as "sexist" in the name of some kind of spurious "equality" which is really about feminising men and, by the way, have you seen the way them muslamics treat women? Appalling! Women in the muslamic world have no rights and are treated as second class citizens and these backward people won't join the modern... erm....
edit Other work
In 2003, Littlejohn started his own T-Shirt range featuring his "MAKE POOVERY HISTORY" slogan. Sales have been slow but they have proved fairly popular with London cabbies and Al-Qaida members.
Littlejohn also wrote the subversive novel To Hell In A Handcart. This best-selling novel wittily pulled-apart the notion that foreign people could possibly live in Britain using devastatingly-realistic characters and scenarios. The Blair government was rocked to its very foundations by the book's unanswerable accusations and promptly resigned a decade later. Asked to defend his novel against fellow-writer Will Self, Littlejohn took Self down a peg or two with Wildean quips like "You used to take drugs, druggie!". Self was forced to admit that Littlejohn's prose had put him in mind of Tolstoy, that or Janet And John.
Since he was "around twelves", Littlejohn has been working on his autobiography. Originally titled My Struggle, he later revised this to Just An Ordinary White Man On The Street. Littlejohn refuses to declare when the autobiography will be finished but has already released a mocked-up piece of cover art (see: above left) which has been described as "childish", "bizarre", and "lacking in self-awareness to an incredible degree". Its author dismissed these criticisms as "jealousy from knock-kneed pooves" and claims that "my autobiography, when released, will shake this country to its very foundations. Real People will take back the streets, march on the queer-run BBC, turn-over the printers at The Guardian, smash the windows of the muslim-owned businesses and carry me aloft on their shoulders into..." At this point we shut the door in his face and went to the pub.
In 2007, Littlejohn fronted the hard-hitting Channel 4 documentary The War On Britain's Jews? in which he demanded to know why there wasn't a war on Britain's Jews. He concluded it was due to "political correctness gone queer" and ended the show by attacking Rabbi Lionel Blue with "a baton I bought before Blair banned it" for being part of the BBC; this lead to the camera crew having to restrain the "angry and emotional" Littlejohn.
- ↑ Throughout the Littlejohn household