Richard Bachman

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Richard Bachman
Richard Bachman--Stephen King's better half?

In a shocking confession, best-selling horror maestro Stephen King has admitted to having shared "home, hearth, and bed" with another writer, Richard Bachman, for several years during his marriage to wife Tabitha. Having nearly died following his having been struck by Bryan Smith, who, although driving, was involved with his dog, Smooches, and claims not to have seen King, who was walking alongside Route 5 while reading a novel, King decided to "come clean" about his relationship with Bachman.

edit Close Relationship Admitted

Without commenting on whether he and Bachman shared an intimate relationship, King admits that "we were closer than brothers; it was as if we were the same person." Tabitha, too, has declined to comment on whether her husband's "friendship" with Bachman included sexual dalliance. "Let's just say that Stephen and Richard were closer than Stephen and me" is all she will say.

edit Initial Attempt at Subtrefuge

At first, King claimed that Bachman was merely a "penname," which he'd used, according to the notoriously unreliable online encyclopedia Wikipedia, to determine whether his books "would sell without having his name on them" and because King "worried that many of the non-horror novels he wanted to write would clash with the expectations of his fans." His explanation suggested that the apparent similarities between King's works and Bachman's resulted simply from the fact that King and Bachman were the same writer by different names.

However, after his near-fatal accident, King decided that "God told me to be honest about my relationship with Richard." King first told Tabitha, and then he informed the public through a press conference in Bangor, Maine, his hometown.

edit A Ménage a Trios?

Bachman is rather reclusive, and it is not known whether he still shares bed and board with his more famous friend. Fans speculate that he, Stephen, and Tabitha may be involved in a ménage a trios. "They're kinky," a neighbor said, citing the lesbian "marriage" of one of King's daughters, Naomi, to a former university professor, Unitarian minister Thandeka.

The Rev. Dr. Thandeka says the fact that Bachman's semen has been found in the Kings' bedsheets doesn't necessarily mean that Bachman has had sex with her father-in-law. "Believe me, if Richard's semen were to be found in my bed, it wouldn't mean he'd been intimate with me, and it doesn't mean he's been intimate with Dad [i. e., Stephen King]. Maybe he's banging Tabby, or maybe he had a wet dream, or maybe he was masturbating and became a little too exuberant. Like shit, semen happens."

edit Bachman's Books

Bachman is the author of seven novels, all of which are successful, but none on the huge scale of King's works:

  • Rage (1977)
  • The Long Walk (1979)
  • Road Work (1981)
  • The Running Man (1982)
  • Thinner (1984)
  • The Regulators (1996)
  • Blaze (2007)

edit Bachman's Alleged Death

In a foreword to The Regulators, King claims that Bachman died of cancer in late 1985 and that his widow, Claudia Inez Bachman, found the manuscript in 1994 while preparing to move into a new house. He says that she asked him to help her find a publisher, which he did. Neither the widow nor Tabitha will comment on King's allegations. However, the local postmaster contends that mail addressed to Richard Bachman, including royalty checks from his publisher, is still delivered to King's Bangor residence "and not to the dead letters department" of the local post office, and declares that "opening another person's mail is a felony."

A close friend of the King family says that "Bachman is alive and well and living with Stephen and Tabby." He is terrified to admit that he is alive, however, because, for personal and financial reasons, King "wants him 'dead.'" The friend observed that Smith, who struck and nearly killed King while dallying with his dog Smooches, "died on September 21, 2000--Stephen's birthday." This source believes the "coincidence too ironic to be coincidence" and notes that King also anonymously purchased the car that struck him "so he could have the pleasure of destroying it with a sledgehammer, as a character in King's novel Misery used a sledgehammer to break the ankles of a writer who wanted to abandon her." (King was convinced to allow the vehicle to be crushed in a junkyard instead.) "Maybe," the friend confides, "Richard doesn't believe in coincidence; maybe he gets Stephen's messages loud and clear."

If Bachman didn't die, who is buried beneath the headstone that bears his name? "Stephen's not saying," the friend declares, "and neither am I!"

edit See also

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