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“A rich person is defined as anyone who makes more than minimum wage. Unless they're me.”
Rich people are the cornerstone of all modern social groups. Poor people are often jealous of rich people, there is no reason for this.
According to Guardian and Nigel Nicholson, it is not as good to be rich as it seems. You may feel overwhelmed with feelings of guilt that others don't have as much as you, or paranoia that others envy you, according to the paper. Sometimes it leads to panic reactions, like philanthropic urges, which psychologists can teach you how to overcome with relaxing exercises.
How to identify rich people
- Eats at fancy restaurants every day.
- Has more than one house.
- Travels in limousines.
- Has a hat (the larger the richer--well, that rule only applies if the hat is not a sombrero).
- Carries around a very small and grotesquely deformed dog in their purse.
- Has a giant turd in a glass display case on their mantle above their pristine fireplace.
- Smokes cigars.
- Owns several women made out of gold.
It should be noted that rich people have a strong dislike of not just physical labour, but of doing any work at all. Since they do not work and are very wasteful of their money (buying things like gold-embroidered toilet paper) it is unknown how they remain rich. Recent research has shown that it might have something to do with the pact between the banks, the stock market, satan, and the Easter Bunny. Other prominent theories include the 'fuck him he's just a fucking asshole theory', the 'he is has more than me therefore evil theorem', and the 'he's not rich everybody else is just poor axiom'.
How to identify an un-rich person
- Frequently urinates in a toilet not made out of gold (or a hole in the ground.)
- Can afford to eat (horse shit) only once a day.
- They do not fuck their mothers... well, not too often anyways.
- Is despised by pigeons and their shit.
- Smell funny.
- Has less than $1,000,000.
- Does not own a Rolls-Royce.
- Eyes do not glow when the word "stocks" is mentioned.
How to ingest
One way rich people benifit society is their high nutritional value. Un-rich people can eat them to get the nutrients that dog food just wont give you. The proper way to ingest the rich person is to kick them square in the crotch (if male), or headbutt thier ovaries (if female). While in pain and bewildered you claw open thier stomach NO TOOLS YOU'RE UN-RICH GOD DAMMIT. When they realize what is happening they will offer you money to have you stop. This is a common trick but if you accept this bribe you may turn into a rich person yourself and because you would be among un-rich people af the time you will quikly become their prey.
Since "eating people" is discouraged in so many countries today, it could possibly result in your being rejected by your friends (in case you have any) but since most un-rich people don't have any friends you will probrably be okay with this.