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“Waitress, I'd like my breakfast served in bottles, please!”
“It's like DINNER in the morning!”
Breakfast, or as the French would say, Le Reacquisition, is a meal containing one or all of the following: vodka, gin, tequila, rum, beer, or Scotch. A popular variation mixes equal parts vodka, gin, rum, tequila, and triple sec with 1 1/2 parts sour mix with a splash of orange juice.
The History of Breakis Fuast
Some claim that breakfast was invented during the Prohibition era of the Depression 1930s, as a way of simultaneously violating the law and taking in nutrients that were unavailable due to food shortages. A lemon slice was often added to breakfast glasses at this time in a courageous and pathetic attempt to fool the authorities.
However, evidence suggests that breakfast was in fact invented in the early part of the first century A.D. by Jesus Christ, who turned water into breakfast (and then into water again, due to being a waster and having little else to do). Supporters of this theory purport Jesus' invention of breakfast was passed on to his disciples, finally explaining, among other far-fetched events, Peter's vision on the road to Damascus and the Third Epistle to the Thessalonians. Others claim that breakfast was invented by a bartender at the Oak Beach Inn waterfront nightclub in Babylon on Long Island, New York after a cataclysmic argument with his promiscuous wife.
The popularity of breakfast, which largely went unnoticed due to the inebriated states of its supporters, gained a surge of momentum after the theatrical release of Arthur in 1981. This trend was initially dismissed as a passing fad but became cemented in popular culture after the release of The Breakfast Club, an coming-of-age tale about Molly Ringwald and four other drunks passing around a bottomless flask in detention.
A balanced breakfast has a much higher alcohol concentration (~98%) than other meals because of the proportionally small amount of food. Because of strict alcohol laws in Mississippi, breakfast must be served by an old man wearing overalls. This is so that customers recieve the right physical sensation out of eating breakfast. Tonic water may be added, or in a separate glass, or a single glass with a single shot of breakfast. In a recent study, Harvard's School of Medicinal Statistics concluded in 1992 that drinking tonic water in the morning reduced body fat.
Breakfast: It's Not Just for Breakfast Anymore
Tests done in 1996 concluded that, with efficient enough hardware, single box of typical American cereal can be converted to a full day's supply of breakfast shots. Henceforth, breakfast is now often consumed 24-hours a day in the United States. This American breakfast is often altered in other countries, due to the presence of locally grown grains for breakfast distillation.
This growing trend was capitalized upon by the International House of Pancakes, an international chain that offered breakfast at all hours for affordable prices. Blue-collar workers, already the biggest consumers of breakfast nationwide, made IHOP a fixture in their trying lives, releasing stress and soot accumulated at the coal mine out through their glasses on days-long binge breakfasting.
Alaskan Stumbling Bear Breakfast
This variation on the less conservative Corn-Fed Kentucky Breakfast substitutes homegrown bourbon whiskey for a lighter triple-distilled Smirnoff. Many a satiated consumer of the Alaskan Stumbling Bear Breakfast would amble around their patios with a pair of binoculars for the remainder of the day, attempting to pinpoint the location of their Russian neighbors.
The Big Lebreakfast
Southern Baptist Redemption
Breakfast without any Coca-Cola but plenty of rum. Served with a hefty portion of soul.
Traditional American breakfast
Breakfast taken with a dose/jigger of hallucinogens. Jerry Garcia claimed to start every day with a cosmic breakfast, carefully balanced to ensure an equal ratio of whiskey to LSD.