Reynalton

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 19:29, November 14, 2012 by Romartus (talk | contribs)

Jump to: navigation, search
Bloink1 solid
This article is a Dead End.
Please make this article less likely to trap people by adding appropriate links. (See here for instructions) If this page is not fixed in 30 days, it may become a candidate for deletion.

Reynalton is a small settlement near the village of Kilgetty in the county of Pembrokeshire, Wales.

Places to Eat & Drink

There are very few places to eat and drink in Reynalton. In 2007 the people of Somalia held a Rock concert in which they raised enough money to donate a well to the people of Reynalton. Initially the introduction of the well was seen as a success as it meant the people of Reynalton no longer had to walk 20 miles to get water. However upon assembling the well, the people of Reynalton actually realised that there was no water underground so they were fucked.

Reynaltonwell

The village well donated in 2007 by the people of Somalia.

Tourism

Despite its small size Reynalton has a thriving tourist industry mainly due to it's status as the most boring place hospitable to mankind. Many tourists choose to stay at either the Croft or Beach Dean Caravan Parks. As the people of Reynalton have such a poor reputation, the owners of the Beach Dean Caravan park have taken measures to keep locals away from their precious customers due to fears of contamination and cross breeding. They do this by not allowing locals into the caravan site and shouting abuse at those who dare to stray onto their land. Back in 2002 a small Child was struck by a man on a red ride-on lawnmower after he accidentally trespassed into the Beach Dean Caravan Park. The child was later awarded the LAD of Reynalton Award for his actions. The Croft Park or "Croft" as it's known in local street parlance is one of the few places local kids can play without the fear of being abducted and abused by the "man in the white van". Here there is a custom built BMX racing track with jumps and a shop which sells absolutely nothing.

Employment

Those people in Reynalton who do have jobs usually work outside of Reynalton in the neighbouring ghettos. There is a small farming industry in Reynalton although employment in this sector is usually limited to those of an inbred nature. As the average age of someone living in Reynalton is 103 most residents consider mowing their lawn every month a full-time job so very few employment statistics exist.

Crime

In 2001 a garden gnome was stolen and a flower bed trampled in downtown Reynalton. A man was later apprehended and stoned to death after being found guilty of being a twat. Reynalton also has a reputation for its many illegal moonshine breweries. In recent years this has industry has declined as the younger generation now buy their alcohol from Tesco or the Coop.

Climate

According to the Köppen climate classification, Reynalton has a 'Shit Climate', it usually rains but occasionally it will snow, this usually lasts for approximately 40 minutes each year. When it does snow, the village grinds to a halt and local children immediately congregate at the bus shelter to have a snowball fight but this usually only lasts 15 minutes as either all the snow has melted or people have become bored out of their minds. Occasionally it is reasonably sunny in Reynalton and this is when the the old people decide to make the annual migration out of their houses.

Reynaltonparliament

The Reynalton Parliament.

Government

The government of Reynalton have very little money. Even before the economic downturn they purchased all of their tea and biscuits from Lidl. The village does not have a parliament building as such, instead the village elders congregate every Wednesday in a wooden shed (also known as the village hall). Here they decide how many daffodils they should plant next season and who's turn it is to make the shortbread. Recently Reynalton has tried to gain independence from the rest of the United Kingdom stating that they "have a lot of natural resources and capital to run their own affairs". This argument was put down by the UK government and they stated that "Reynalton's only natural resource is cow pat and the GDP of Reynalton is equivalent to that of a Bulgarian rent boy".

Prostitution and Drugs

Reynalton doesn't actually have a red light district as such, in fact there's more chance of finding Mahatma Gandhi than a prostitute in Reynalton. The bored, disgruntled old men of Reynalton usually drive to Milford Haven (or "Milford" in local street parlance) in search for some pussy. It is estimated that 80% of the world's marijuana originates in Reynalton. Most is shipped directly to a local drug addict called Gethin who then tokes relentlessly.

Sport

The only form of sport available in Reynalton is Bowls. This is played every Thursday in the village Hall. To be eligible to play you must be a grumpy old bastard, hate youngsters and be sexually inactive for at least 50 years. Despite tough requirements the sport is thriving in Reynalton and 95% of villagers are members.

Communication

Internet access is almost non existent in Reynalton and broadband access is extremely rare. Due to this sad fact, by the time my pornographic videos have buffered I've already blown my load twice.

Conflicts

Reynalton has had a history of conflicts dating back to the the creation of the universe. Most recently NATO troops were deployed to Reynalton as a result of increasing tension and hostilities in the area. Back in June 2012, some local kids had a house party where several heavily intoxicated individuals destroyed part of the Great Wall of Reynalton and invaded a field. The Village Parliament was also breached by one person wielding a bottle of Budweiser. Despite the violence no fatalities were reported.

Challengerwall

Challenger 2 MBT advancing towards the Morris Minge Mansion during the battle for Reynalton.

Personal tools
projects