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Ross kemp reynalton

Typical resident.

Reynalton is a small settlement near the village of Kilgetty in the county of Pembrokeshire, Wales.

edit Places to Eat & Drink


The village well donated in 2007 by the people of Somalia.

There are very few places to eat and drink in Reynalton. In 2007 the people of Somalia held a Rock concert in which they raised enough money to donate a well to the people of Reynalton. Initially the introduction of the well was seen as a success as it meant the people of Reynalton no longer had to walk 20 miles to get water. However upon completing the well, the people of Reynalton realized they had in fact drilled straight into the sewer line, causing countless people to die from E. Coli and other lovely bacteria.

Being the small village that it is, most residents have never even seen a MacDonalds happy meal in their life, they are seriously missing out.

Every summer all the residents gather by the bus station and have a big barbecue. The tradition is to find all the local roadkill or other dead animals and cook it for a delightful feast.

edit Tourism

Despite its small size Reynalton has a thriving tourist industry mainly due to it's status as the most boring place hospitable[citation needed] to mankind. Many tourists choose to stay at either the Croft or Beach Dean Caravan Parks. The Croft Park or "Croft" as it's known in local street parlance is one of the few places local kids can play without the fear of being abducted and abused by the "man in the white van". Here there is a custom built BMX racing track with jumps and a shop which sells absolutely nothing.

edit Employment

Those very few people in Reynalton who do have jobs usually work outside of Reynalton in towns, 100 miles up the road, with a very select minority catering to shops that might average 2 visits per day. Most residents consider mowing their lawn every month and doing other household chores that normal people do without complaint counts as full-time work. This is despite the rather obvious handicap that they do not get paid for it.

Other residents merely consider standing in line at the welfare office as full time work, considering the line is often long enough to make it a 9am-5pm job, complete with a pay cheque at the end.

edit Nightlife

There is a big nightclub every Friday and Saturday night in the village hall. On the opening of the nightclub radio Pembrokeshire brought their best DJ down to play and it proved a great success with 6 people enjoying his music until the early hours of 7PM. You pay £8 to get in and drinks are free all night. Currently the 'DJ' only has one Scooter cd to play all night so donations towards more music I think he would be grateful for. You can dance all night long and then go back to any afterparty you choose in one of the Reynalton grottos. The nightclub is proving to be a great success with a Saturday proving to be one of our most popular nights with the record standing at 11 people including the DJ, 3 local parents to supervise and 2 bar staff.

edit Public Conveniences

In 2001 the local residents started a fundraising exercise to raise money for public toilets. By 2014 they had raised 76p which they decided would be enough to build the toilets. A loan was made to enable them to buy a plastic bucket which is placed in the bus stop and is emptied once a month by a resident on the rota. It has proved very successful with the local tramp using the toilet daily.

edit =History

In early years Reynalton was once a thriving town with shops, pubs and even a casino. Oil was once found in the village and it expanded the population to 25, although the oil couldn't be extracted due to the locals not allowing non locals in. Once the decline of the local Womens Institute the village went into a downward spiral and all the investment went so now it is virtually a ghost town. Plans are now being drawn to expand Reynalton to turn it into the thriving town it never was.

edit Crime

In 2001 a garden gnome was stolen and a flower bed trampled in downtown Reynalton. A man was later apprehended and stoned to death by men in white coats with pointy hoods. Reynalton also has a reputation for its many illegal moonshine breweries. In recent years this has industry has declined as the younger generation now buy their alcohol from Tesco or the Coop.

edit Climate

According to the Köppen climate classification, Reynalton has a 'Shit Climate', it usually rains but occasionally it will snow, this usually lasts for approximately 40 minutes each year. When it does snow, the village grinds to a halt and local children immediately congregate at the bus shelter to have a 'snowball fight' but this usually only lasts 15 minutes as either all the snow has melted or people have become bored out of their minds. Occasionally it is reasonably sunny in Reynalton and this is when the the old people decide to make the annual migration out of their houses to buy supplies for the other 364 days they are confined to their houses.


The Reynalton Parliament.

edit Government

The government of Reynalton have very little money. Even before the economic downturn they purchased all of their tea and biscuits from Lidl. The village does not have a parliament building as such, instead the village elders congregate every Wednesday in a wooden shed known as the Village Hall. Here they decide how many daffodils they should plant next season and whose turn it is to make the shortbread.

edit Prostitution and Drugs

Reynalton has one of the largest underground drug networks in the world. Common drugs include India Pale, Bitter, Real Ail and the most dangerous of all, Home Brew. Home Brew is uncut, pure beer made in the local cribs (or sheds as they're known in local street parlance).

edit Communication

Internet access is almost non existent in Reynalton and broadband access is extremely rare. It is usually quicker to send a telegraph than an email. Most of the houses have a plastic cup attached to string which links each house together and this is a very convenient form of communication. BT tried to install a phone line but the local elderly residents blocked their access to the village as the engineer wasn't a local.

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