Reynalton

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Ross kemp reynalton
Typical resident.

Reynalton is a small settlement near the village of Kilgetty in the county of Pembrokeshire, Wales.

edit Economy

edit Places to Eat & Drink

Reynaltonwell
The village well donated in 2007 by the people of Somalia.

There are very few places to eat and drink in Reynalton. In 2007 the people of Somalia held a Rock concert in which they raised enough money to donate a well to the people of Reynalton. Initially the introduction of the well was seen as a success as it meant the people of Reynalton no longer had to walk 20 miles to get water. However upon completing the well, the people of Reynalton realized they had in fact drilled straight into the sewer line, causing countless people to die from E. Coli and other lovely bacteria.

Being the small village that it is, most residents have never even seen a MacDonalds happy meal in their life, they are seriously missing out.

edit Tourism

Despite its small size Reynalton has a thriving tourist industry mainly due to it's status as the most boring place hospitable[citation needed] to mankind. Many tourists choose to stay at either the Croft or Beach Dean Caravan Parks. The Croft Park or "Croft" as it's known in local street parlance is one of the few places local kids can play without the fear of being abducted and abused by the "man in the white van". Here there is a custom built BMX racing track with jumps and a shop which sells absolutely nothing.

edit Employment

Those very few people in Reynalton who do have jobs usually work outside of Reynalton in towns, 100 miles up the road, with a very select minority catering to shops that might average 2 visits per day. Most residents consider mowing their lawn every month and doing other household chores that normal people do without complaint counts as full-time work. This is despite the rather obvious handicap that they do not get paid for it.

Other residents merely consider standing in line at the welfare office as full time work, considering the line is often long enough to make it a 9am-5pm job, complete with a pay cheque at the end.

edit Crime

In 2001 a garden gnome was stolen and a flower bed trampled in downtown Reynalton. A man was later apprehended and stoned to death by men in white coats with pointy hoods. Reynalton also has a reputation for its many illegal moonshine breweries. In recent years this has industry has declined as the younger generation now buy their alcohol from Tesco or the Coop.

edit Climate

According to the Köppen climate classification, Reynalton has a 'Shit Climate', it usually rains but occasionally it will snow, this usually lasts for approximately 40 minutes each year. When it does snow, the village grinds to a halt and local children immediately congregate at the bus shelter to have a 'snowball fight' but this usually only lasts 15 minutes as either all the snow has melted or people have become bored out of their minds. Occasionally it is reasonably sunny in Reynalton and this is when the the old people decide to make the annual migration out of their houses to buy supplies for the other 364 days they are confined to their houses.

Reynaltonparliament
The Reynalton Parliament.

edit Government

The government of Reynalton have very little money. Even before the economic downturn they purchased all of their tea and biscuits from Lidl. The village does not have a parliament building as such, instead the village elders congregate every Wednesday in a wooden shed known as the Village Hall. Here they decide how many daffodils they should plant next season and whose turn it is to make the shortbread.

edit Prostitution and Drugs

Reynalton has one of the largest underground drug networks in the world. Common drugs include India Pale, Bitter, Real Ail and the most dangerous of all, Home Brew. Home Brew is uncut, pure beer made in the local cribs (or sheds as they're known in local street parlance).

edit Communication

Internet access is almost non existent in Reynalton and broadband access is extremely rare. It is usually quicker to send a telegraph than an email.

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