Rex Tillerson

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Uncle Pennybags

Climate change report? I left it in my other tuxedo!

Rex Tillerson was the Secretary of State in the US reality TV show Make America Great Again, which started in early 2017, starring alongside Donald Trump. Previously Tillerson was the CEO of ExxonMobil from 2006 to 2016.

He is known for things other than being an Oil Tycoon, he once collected and then sold his Beanie Baby collection on eBay, making his first million. He has collected every Troll and My Little Pony figurines. He is a registered Brony, and into Japanese anime, manga, and stuff like that. He can fly planes and sail boats, but prefers to sail planes and fly boats because that's the kind of thing you can do when you're loaded.

edit Early life

Tillerson started life as a small child, having been born an infant, in Texas, U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A!, to Peggy Sue - a fictional character sung about by fellow Texan Buddy Holly - and Bobby Tyrannosaurus Tillerson.

At the age of 9 he invested in Chocolate Milk companies to make them support Strawberry Milk, so they had to breed Strawberry cows to make the Strawberry Milk. Sort of like the Chocolate Cows but more Strawberrier. During this time he oversaw the extermoonation of over 1 million brown cows just to make a point. According to internet conspiracy nutjob and "performance artist" Alex Jones it was Tillersons globalist elitist cows that started eating ground-up babies as part of their plans for the Moo World Order.

In High School, he was voted "Most Likely to be Appointed Secretary of State in an administration led by an orange buffoon" which closely edged out "most likely to substantially contribute to the end of the world by things pumped out of a toxic hole with little concern for those around it". However, the joke was on his fellow students, those things turned out to be exactly the same.

After High School Rex attended a clown college and majored in balloon animals. This became an invaluable learning experience for his post Exxon career.

edit Business Career


Rex's homework book. He got the job.

Coming from the state that is home to Dallas, Tillerson would inevitably end up in the oil industry after shooting J.R. and framing Kristin Shepard for the crime. There was speculation at the time that Tillerson was carrying J.R's child but this was not confirmed. Or Denied.

edit Exxon

Tillerson joined Exxon in 1975 and quickly rose through the ranks. In 2006 He became CEO, or Chief Environment Obliterator, of what is now known as ExxonMobile. Tillerson found himself to be particularly adept at making connections to the Middle East and Russia to complete his Oil Monopoly collection and drive out smaller oil companies out of business. CITGO even with their connection to 7-Eleven and Venezuela were laid low by Exxon eventually. He did wonderful work at Exxon, record profits, foreign relations, making deals none of it to do with oil at all.

edit Ties with Russia

At Exxon, Tillerson developed many ties with Russia. His favorite was a grey and purple diagonally striped one. His second favorite used to be a plain a pale pink tie, a gift from fellow tie enthusiast Mikhail Gorbachev, but had to get rid of it after an unfortunate gravy stain on it nearly caused a diplomatic incident.

edit Ties with Kurdistan

To disprove the completely lunatic conspiracy theory that Iraq was invaded purely for oil Tillerson signed an agreement to develop oil fields in Iraqi Kurdistan. That showed 'em!

edit Political career

edit Make America Great Again Reality TV Show


Rex undergoing intensive training for new job.

Rex came up with the idea of distracting the younger generation from spilled oil mishaps and ruining the environment by importing Japanese Anime, Manga, and Hentai to the USA. Japanese Catgirls and Neckbeards mistook the MAGA (Make America Great Again) for Manga and voted for Trump. People who supported Bernie Sanders got confused when they could not find the voting app on Facebook or Apple's App Store. Hillary Clinton supporters were too busy protesting for the rights of women, minorities, GLBTQ people and other groups and simply forgot to go out and vote for Hillary. The mistake MAGA for Manga was a brilliant strategy. Trump was being attacked by the news media 24/7 so much that he didn't have to spend any money on advertising. He'd simply tweet some insult and troll someone and get around the clock coverage for free. This too was Rex's idea.

edit Secretary of State

In early 2017, Tillerson gave up his job as CEO of ExxonMobile to join the Donald Trump administration to play the part of mean-spirited uncle in the Make America Great Again reality TV show.

edit Foreign experience


Russian hospitality for Rex.

Rex went to Russia and ended up owning the Russian version of Google, Yandex for $15K during a down market. He made friends with Russian leaders as they drank Vodka out of the bottle while watching bears dance. In the Middle East, he could not do that, so they all drank sweet tea while oppressing women and GLBTQ people, etc. He made these visits to expand the Exxon Empire, which was the basis for the Marvel Comics company Roxxon. In order to rule the world, he claimed, you have to cater the message to each nation and their religion, culture, laws, and language. Then you have to convince them that making a deal with you is in their best interests and their idea to make the deal.

Clearly, if one spreads enough wealth and money their way, they'll make a deal for an oil pipeline going to Exxon oil tankers to sell on the US market for a higher rate because of the lower cost of labour in foreign nations to pump the oil and load it on oil tankers. Then back in the USA, have robots unload the oil for free.

edit Relations with Donald Trump

Fantastic. Called Trump a Fucking Genius. Got fired in March 2018.

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